Carmel
Crusader
Since my brother Gerry turned up here at ESMB, I've been looking at what has occurred within my family, as a result of my/our involvement with Scientology, in regard to 'disconnection'. None of us have 'formally' disconnected from another in the family, over Scientology, but emotionally we did. This has also extended to some of our friends.
As a very "dedicated Scientologist", I was in another world. It was a world that I believed my non scio sibblings and non scio friends didn't, couldn't, and wouldn't understand......I excluded them from it.
Except for my first couple of years within the ranks, it seemed I was in constant battle. I was stressed, unhappy, and yearning for something I thought could and should be. For years I had terror stomach, and pretty well lived on coffee and cigs. I had few to no friends who I could really talk to about what was going on in my heart. I couldn't really talk to Tim my husband - If and when I told him what was going on, he'd say "fuck them, leave staff!", and I didn't want to hear that. If and when I'd talk to all but one of my scio friends about what was going on, they'd say stuff like "write it up" or "aren't you being critical?", and I didn't want to hear that either. I did have a couple of brothers in Scn who I could talk to about it all, for a few years, but after a time, that fell by the wayside. I didn't/couldn't tell my non-scio sibblings what was going on because I knew they had concerns, if I did their reaction would have probably been shock, they would have told me to get out, and I didn't want to hear that either from someone who didn't understand or wouldn't accept why I was putting up with it all in the first place.
When it came to my life, aside from my sons, the vast majority of my attention and focus was on Scientology (and/or my purposes within it). I had non-scio business associates, and non-scio friends throughout my time in Scientology. I've always had a good social life, and have played the game of the 'social butterfly' pretty well. For me though it was always like "water water everywhere, but not a drop to drink", as far as my idea of real friendships went. I always had to wear some bloody hat, or be on guard to some extent and put on a front (or at least thought I had to). I so wanted to have friends I could trust, friends who I could be totally 'hat-less' with, but I didn't have them for the majority of the time while I was in Scn.
I couldn't talk to those who were "in" (for the most part), and I couldn't talk to those who weren't (especially my siblings). I hated putting on a front for my family. I loved them. I wanted to share with them and I wanted them to understand, but there was no way that they could. To save myself the hurt of "having them but not having them", it was easier to cut them off, emotionally, and avoid regular contact - It was kinda easier to be in a spiritual and emotional 'hermit mode', than to deal with a disappointment and a yearning for something I could 'never have'.
Since Scn (this past year), I have been able again to be 'hat-less' with many. I've been free to put the cards on the table again in regard to my heartfelt feelings about all this crap and angst. Whether on the net, or in real life, that emotional barrier I did have with just about everyone, has been breaking down.
I didn't really know it, but I had disconnected from my friends and family in an emotional and spiritual sense, and to the point where there was pretty well a disconnection in life because of the barrier I kinda 'had to' put there, to cope with it all.
Prior to Scn, this wasn't the case. Post Scn, it's not the case either. The 'disconnection' I'm talking about was emotional and spiritual, it manifested in various ways in life, and was prevalent most of the time during my involvement with Scn. It seems to me that it's one of those things inherent to one's involvement in Scn, for those who were/are 'dedicated'.
It's a sneaky one I reckon, and one worth looking at. For me it happened gradually, and I haven't seen it at all for what it was, until I've been looking at it in these last few days.
Whatever!
As a very "dedicated Scientologist", I was in another world. It was a world that I believed my non scio sibblings and non scio friends didn't, couldn't, and wouldn't understand......I excluded them from it.
Except for my first couple of years within the ranks, it seemed I was in constant battle. I was stressed, unhappy, and yearning for something I thought could and should be. For years I had terror stomach, and pretty well lived on coffee and cigs. I had few to no friends who I could really talk to about what was going on in my heart. I couldn't really talk to Tim my husband - If and when I told him what was going on, he'd say "fuck them, leave staff!", and I didn't want to hear that. If and when I'd talk to all but one of my scio friends about what was going on, they'd say stuff like "write it up" or "aren't you being critical?", and I didn't want to hear that either. I did have a couple of brothers in Scn who I could talk to about it all, for a few years, but after a time, that fell by the wayside. I didn't/couldn't tell my non-scio sibblings what was going on because I knew they had concerns, if I did their reaction would have probably been shock, they would have told me to get out, and I didn't want to hear that either from someone who didn't understand or wouldn't accept why I was putting up with it all in the first place.
When it came to my life, aside from my sons, the vast majority of my attention and focus was on Scientology (and/or my purposes within it). I had non-scio business associates, and non-scio friends throughout my time in Scientology. I've always had a good social life, and have played the game of the 'social butterfly' pretty well. For me though it was always like "water water everywhere, but not a drop to drink", as far as my idea of real friendships went. I always had to wear some bloody hat, or be on guard to some extent and put on a front (or at least thought I had to). I so wanted to have friends I could trust, friends who I could be totally 'hat-less' with, but I didn't have them for the majority of the time while I was in Scn.
I couldn't talk to those who were "in" (for the most part), and I couldn't talk to those who weren't (especially my siblings). I hated putting on a front for my family. I loved them. I wanted to share with them and I wanted them to understand, but there was no way that they could. To save myself the hurt of "having them but not having them", it was easier to cut them off, emotionally, and avoid regular contact - It was kinda easier to be in a spiritual and emotional 'hermit mode', than to deal with a disappointment and a yearning for something I could 'never have'.
Since Scn (this past year), I have been able again to be 'hat-less' with many. I've been free to put the cards on the table again in regard to my heartfelt feelings about all this crap and angst. Whether on the net, or in real life, that emotional barrier I did have with just about everyone, has been breaking down.
I didn't really know it, but I had disconnected from my friends and family in an emotional and spiritual sense, and to the point where there was pretty well a disconnection in life because of the barrier I kinda 'had to' put there, to cope with it all.
Prior to Scn, this wasn't the case. Post Scn, it's not the case either. The 'disconnection' I'm talking about was emotional and spiritual, it manifested in various ways in life, and was prevalent most of the time during my involvement with Scn. It seems to me that it's one of those things inherent to one's involvement in Scn, for those who were/are 'dedicated'.
It's a sneaky one I reckon, and one worth looking at. For me it happened gradually, and I haven't seen it at all for what it was, until I've been looking at it in these last few days.
Whatever!