DM Vicious?

Pixie

Crusader
Wow :omg:

Yes, when you're ready start your own thread for your story. It's very interesting. Thanks for sharing it :)

Thanks, yes, indeed, it's just trying to figure out where to start. It's difficult, to say the least, you don't realize just how much you've been sitting on until you actually have the space and know there's people to talk with and who will listen and really understand. I mean can you belive that I still have every write up we did during that period in a folder under my stairs, and it's been there for ten years. I am beginning to think that I am more traumatized than I first thought. I think I have been suppressing all this, too scared to talk, I even left the country! It's all there, sitting under the stairs, all the write ups I did telling McSavage what was going on, the way we were being treated, the way the staff were being treated, little did we know, he didn't give a dam.
 

everfree

Patron Meritorious
Thanks, yes, indeed, it's just trying to figure out where to start. It's difficult, to say the least, you don't realize just how much you've been sitting on until you actually have the space and know there's people to talk with and who will listen and really understand. I mean can you belive that I still have every write up we did during that period in a folder under my stairs, and it's been there for ten years. I am beginning to think that I am more traumatized than I first thought. I think I have been suppressing all this, too scared to talk, I even left the country! It's all there, sitting under the stairs, all the write ups I did telling McSavage what was going on, the way we were being treated, the way the staff were being treated, little did we know, he didn't give a dam.

Hi Pixie, welcome. Not only does Miscavige not give a damn, he is the one who sets the tone for the sometimes vicious treatment of staff, though some don't seem to need much encouragement to join in.

>I am beginning to think that I am more traumatized than I first thought.

I know for myself, I was kinda shell shocked when I first got out, not really sure what to make of my experiences in CofS. As time has progressed, over and over I've thought that I was completely past it, only to find that there was yet another "layer".

Being amongst others who have had similar experiences to your own is very therapeutic, I hope you enjoy yourself here.
 

Alanzo

Bardo Tulpa
Thanks, yes, indeed, it's just trying to figure out where to start. It's difficult, to say the least, you don't realize just how much you've been sitting on until you actually have the space and know there's people to talk with and who will listen and really understand. I mean can you belive that I still have every write up we did during that period in a folder under my stairs, and it's been there for ten years. I am beginning to think that I am more traumatized than I first thought. I think I have been suppressing all this, too scared to talk, I even left the country! It's all there, sitting under the stairs, all the write ups I did telling McSavage what was going on, the way we were being treated, the way the staff were being treated, little did we know, he didn't give a dam.

To him, per the ideal scenes he operates off of, what you wrote up were all plus-points.

To us, per the policies we were given and the ideal scenes we were operating off of, they were out-points

You have to assume that when things go on for years, and old people are trained and replaced with new ones that do the same old things - those actions in those write-ups were done ON PURPOSE and they must be forwarding an ideal scene.

KRs simply act as a steam valve for the public to feel like they had a way of "taking responsibility for it" and "getting it out of their universe".

KRs exist to keep you huffing and puffing on the hamster wheel a lot longer than you normally would.
 

Wisened One

Crusader
It's the truth. It was called the 'sin bin', that is what it was known by, by SO and non SO alike. Things were not going well for the orgs at all in this country and a huge Flag mission was sent down to 'sort it all out'. My husband and I were in total overwhelm, understaffed, homeless, there were staff sleeping in the Purif area. We weren't allowed on the dole as this was 'other fish to fry', we couldn't pay the rent as our wages wouldn't have bought a packet of cigs, we were exhausted, I had just finished the EPF and was sent back to my org as my replacement had blown, my husband was SO in a class V org but not allowed to be in any sort of relationship unless he was married and they had to be SO, we got married and got into more trouble, we sat for two days and two nights in Qual pasting bits of 'squirrel' shit into the tech and pol vols, when we questioned this of the CJC we got into more trouble, when we wrote it up to McSavage we were sent to a higher org and told to write up O/W's for five days into the early hours of the morning, we were NOT allowed to leave and ended up having to make most of it up as we were (at that time) very much on LRH's side and trying to 'protect' the tech, we were extremely dedicated and heartbroken at what was happening. We had to go back to find somewhere to live and were followed and harrased and chased in the street and screamed at, the the car (we were sleeping in at the time) door kicked in. I know it sounds crazy, why did we put up with it, we knew something was wrong at the top, but we didn't know the whole thing was a con, I only found that out last year after ten years out and I haven't seen my husband for over ten years. It just all came to a head, I was always told I was 'too woggy', constantly 'out 2D' if I talked with a man. A bad nightmare does't come close. I'll have to start a new thread some day when I'm clearer in my head as the traumas are only coming back to me now. Hope this helps. This IS true.

Oh God, Pixie. :no: Oh God. :no:

:hug: and more :hug:

You tell more of your story when you're ready. :yes:
 

Dulloldfart

Squirrel Extraordinaire
I'll have to start a new thread some day when I'm clearer in my head as the traumas are only coming back to me now. Hope this helps. This IS true.

Hey Pixie,

Thanks for your story. Keep writing. Just let it come out. Don't worry about creating a literary masterpiece. Just write down and post what you want to say in the order it comes out; it won't be in total chronological order, but that is not a problem. Let it come out in the order it comes out, and it will get clearer and clearer as you write it out and post it. Kind of like working something out in clay rather than going bananas trying to work it all out in your head first then getting bored silly making the clay pieces when it's pretty much straightened out in your mind.

Writing it down helps you to work it out. :)

Paul
 

Pixie

Crusader
Hi Pixie, welcome. Not only does Miscavige not give a damn, he is the one who sets the tone for the sometimes vicious treatment of staff, though some don't seem to need much encouragement to join in.

>I am beginning to think that I am more traumatized than I first thought.

I know for myself, I was kinda shell shocked when I first got out, not really sure what to make of my experiences in CofS. As time has progressed, over and over I've thought that I was completely past it, only to find that there was yet another "layer".

Being amongst others who have had similar experiences to your own is very therapeutic, I hope you enjoy yourself here.

Thank you so very much for that lovely welcoming response Everfree. Love the photo by the way, LOVE that photo!! :happydance: Yes, it makes a HUGE difference when people understand and come back with something articulate, it's the articulation that's difficult, I'm STILL scared of getting into trouble and I only found that out yesterday!! :ohmy: You're so right about those 'layers' you think you're 'just sooooo over it', then bang! I had been convincing myself for years I didn't care, it didn't matter, it was just another part of my life, but the more I read, the more I realize that it was that particular part of my life that's left me the way I am now:bigcry: :nervous: :angry: :happydance: :angry: :bigcry: This site is indeed very thearaputic, but I know it will take time I just have to be patient and try to stop 'running'. The 'urgency' to get things done NOW is still there, there's too much still there I realize and it just pisses me off. Why .. how can it be so hard to just let it all go?? It's like.. I can't get enough ex scn stuff into me, everytime I'm on the net, every spar moment, perhaps it's still a part of me in total disbelief. You're right about McSavage setting the tone, the more I see him now on You Tube the more it reminds me of quite a few of the SO and staff members I was in contact with everyday, it's like a lot of them were (aware or not) becoming him that's for sure. He's just so so creepy. A freak. I can't imagine how he sleeps at night. Thanks again for your support :hug:
 

Pixie

Crusader
Hey Pixie,

Thanks for your story. Keep writing. Just let it come out. Don't worry about creating a literary masterpiece. Just write down and post what you want to say in the order it comes out; it won't be in total chronological order, but that is not a problem. Let it come out in the order it comes out, and it will get clearer and clearer as you write it out and post it. Kind of like working something out in clay rather than going bananas trying to work it all out in your head first then getting bored silly making the clay pieces when it's pretty much straightened out in your mind.

Writing it down helps you to work it out. :)

Paul

Thank you so much Paul. Ok, well when not long after I got booted out, I left the country and 'went home', so tired, soo soooo tired and burned out. Found out I was very ill, had two tumours, got them removed, very close call, very traumatizing, that was seven or eight years ago, now I've just 'woken up', six months ago, and I want more time, had intended to have more time, to sort this part of my life out with the help of this site. I just found out this morning, that I now have another tumour back. I am beside myself and cannot cope, so I don't know now if I have the time, the inclination, or the head space for any of this. I just don't know what else to say, it's just one shock after the other. This, I guess for me, is what I need to get out first, where I'm at right now, then, when I get this sorted (hopefully), I can possibly work backwards:confused2: Sorry I don't mean to be negative, but I felt your compassion and with all this lovely encouragment on this site, I'm learning to just .. well trying to learn to express what's going on. Thank you for being there and thank you for listening.. :)
 

Pixie

Crusader
Oh God, Pixie. :no: Oh God. :no:

:hug: and more :hug:

You tell more of your story when you're ready. :yes:

Don't you think that it's a little like feeling sorry for yourself when there are people in the world in a lot worse state than you? I feel guilty talking about it, whining and complaining, I just don't feel I have the right. Tell me your thoughts on this please. There were people in the SO had a much worse time than me you know? I wish I could let it all go, I really do, it's just a pain, I mean spending ten years of your life trying to sort yourself and others out, only to find that you were gradually becoming worse and worse and worse until you could take no more.. another ten years using the 'tech' to sort your 'real life out' it's like going backwards instead of forwards, having to trawl through it all again to 'undo' the damage, isn't it selfish to want to do that? Now I'm ill again and can't help thinking that I'm pts, I mean I know it's a con, there's good and bad in us all, but it's there, in the back of my mind. It's just all so confusing. Part of me wants to 'tell my story', the 'other part' .. reminds me of another post I read earlier:giggle: hey perhaps there are a few of us in the one bod! .. the other part just doesn't want to 'go back'. It's like constant 'restim', I just don't know anymore. Anyway.. Thank you for the hugs.. love hugs.. right back at you Wisened One.
 

Pixie

Crusader
To him, per the ideal scenes he operates off of, what you wrote up were all plus-points.

To us, per the policies we were given and the ideal scenes we were operating off of, they were out-points

You have to assume that when things go on for years, and old people are trained and replaced with new ones that do the same old things - those actions in those write-ups were done ON PURPOSE and they must be forwarding an ideal scene.

KRs simply act as a steam valve for the public to feel like they had a way of "taking responsibility for it" and "getting it out of their universe".

KRs exist to keep you huffing and puffing on the hamster wheel a lot longer than you normally would.


Hamsters eh? Hmm.. indeed Alanzo, insanity gone completely mad. Going to have a peek at your blog this fine evening.. looking forward to it.. thanks for the reply.. :)
 

byte301

Crusader
Don't you think that it's a little like feeling sorry for yourself when there are people in the world in a lot worse state than you? I feel guilty talking about it, whining and complaining, I just don't feel I have the right. Tell me your thoughts on this please. There were people in the SO had a much worse time than me you know? I wish I could let it all go, I really do, it's just a pain, I mean spending ten years of your life trying to sort yourself and others out, only to find that you were gradually becoming worse and worse and worse until you could take no more.. another ten years using the 'tech' to sort your 'real life out' it's like going backwards instead of forwards, having to trawl through it all again to 'undo' the damage, isn't it selfish to want to do that? Now I'm ill again and can't help thinking that I'm pts, I mean I know it's a con, there's good and bad in us all, but it's there, in the back of my mind. It's just all so confusing. Part of me wants to 'tell my story', the 'other part' .. reminds me of another post I read earlier:giggle: hey perhaps there are a few of us in the one bod! .. the other part just doesn't want to 'go back'. It's like constant 'restim', I just don't know anymore. Anyway.. Thank you for the hugs.. love hugs.. right back at you Wisened One.

Pixie,

I am so sorry for everything that has happened to you. I don't think you should feel sorry for thinking of yourself at all. That is just a guilt trip we all seem to go on. You take care of yourself, Pixie, then you are in a position to help others.

You mentioned "other fish to fry" earlier. I used to hear that and that ppl were "too into their bodies". Pesky ppl wanting to eat and sleep all the time!
Bet Miscavige eats and sleeps any time he wants, huh? Bet he doesn't eat beans and rice either. Pretty sure LRH never missed too many meals!:angry:

I just get so disgusted when I hear stories like this. How anyone could take a group of really good ppl and treat them like they have is beyond the pale. I found myself actually crying when I read Mayo's account of LRH making that man push a peanut around on deck til his nose bleed while his family watched and cried. I was sick over that. This from a man I looked up to and thought was a humanitarian? That story alone made me want to take down the "Church". And it only gets worse. Ron's little mini me, Davey, is worse. I know a 12 yr. old girl that could prolly kick his ass. arghhhhhhhh

Pixie, You are in my thoughts and prayers.

byte301
 

sandygirl

Silver Meritorious Patron
How true!!!

Thought you might like part of this post from greatulin at OCMB:
Main highlights:
1. The security guard they hired last time was there again, he came out and spoke to one of us. He said they had not paid him from last time and if they don't pay him by the next protest he will be joining us

Some thing NEVER change!!!:duh:
 

Dulloldfart

Squirrel Extraordinaire
Thank you so much Paul. Ok, well when not long after I got booted out, I left the country and 'went home', so tired, soo soooo tired and burned out. Found out I was very ill, had two tumours, got them removed, very close call, very traumatizing, that was seven or eight years ago, now I've just 'woken up', six months ago, and I want more time, had intended to have more time, to sort this part of my life out with the help of this site. I just found out this morning, that I now have another tumour back. I am beside myself and cannot cope, so I don't know now if I have the time, the inclination, or the head space for any of this. I just don't know what else to say, it's just one shock after the other. This, I guess for me, is what I need to get out first, where I'm at right now, then, when I get this sorted (hopefully), I can possibly work backwards:confused2: Sorry I don't mean to be negative, but I felt your compassion and with all this lovely encouragment on this site, I'm learning to just .. well trying to learn to express what's going on. Thank you for being there and thank you for listening.. :)

Bummer. Well, fair enough, do what you have to do to sort out the physical stuff. I'm sure ESMB will be here whenever you're ready to tell more of your story. Good luck. :)

Paul
 

Royal Prince Xenu

Trust the Psi Corps.
It's the truth. It was called the 'sin bin', that is what it was known by, by SO and non SO alike. Things were not going well for the orgs at all in this country and a huge Flag mission was sent down to 'sort it all out'. My husband and I were in total overwhelm, understaffed, homeless, there were staff sleeping in the Purif area. We weren't allowed on the dole as this was 'other fish to fry', we couldn't pay the rent as our wages wouldn't have bought a packet of cigs, we were exhausted, I had just finished the EPF and was sent back to my org as my replacement had blown, my husband was SO in a class V org but not allowed to be in any sort of relationship unless he was married and they had to be SO, we got married and got into more trouble, we sat for two days and two nights in Qual pasting bits of 'squirrel' shit into the tech and pol vols, when we questioned this of the CJC we got into more trouble, when we wrote it up to McSavage we were sent to a higher org and told to write up O/W's for five days into the early hours of the morning, we were NOT allowed to leave and ended up having to make most of it up as we were (at that time) very much on LRH's side and trying to 'protect' the tech, we were extremely dedicated and heartbroken at what was happening. We had to go back to find somewhere to live and were followed and harrased and chased in the street and screamed at, the the car (we were sleeping in at the time) door kicked in. I know it sounds crazy, why did we put up with it, we knew something was wrong at the top, but we didn't know the whole thing was a con, I only found that out last year after ten years out and I haven't seen my husband for over ten years. It just all came to a head, I was always told I was 'too woggy', constantly 'out 2D' if I talked with a man. A bad nightmare does't come close. I'll have to start a new thread some day when I'm clearer in my head as the traumas are only coming back to me now. Hope this helps. This IS true.

That's off-policy. There is an HCOB that specifically allows staff and SO members to draw 'social security' payments. Although, once in the SO, because you had sleeping quarters (12 to a room), and you were getting fed (beans and rice) there was a strong cultural discouragement from the 'dole'.

I was living on the dole the entire time I was on staff. Some people used to write on their forms that they were undertaking 'voluntary work', although I do remember the C/S, KRing and cramming a guy because he was "remaining connected to an SP organization," and "committing the same overt repeatedly."
 

Pixie

Crusader
Pixie,

I am so sorry for everything that has happened to you. I don't think you should feel sorry for thinking of yourself at all. That is just a guilt trip we all seem to go on. You take care of yourself, Pixie, then you are in a position to help others.

You mentioned "other fish to fry" earlier. I used to hear that and that ppl were "too into their bodies". Pesky ppl wanting to eat and sleep all the time!
Bet Miscavige eats and sleeps any time he wants, huh? Bet he doesn't eat beans and rice either. Pretty sure LRH never missed too many meals!:angry:

I just get so disgusted when I hear stories like this. How anyone could take a group of really good ppl and treat them like they have is beyond the pale. I found myself actually crying when I read Mayo's account of LRH making that man push a peanut around on deck til his nose bleed while his family watched and cried. I was sick over that. This from a man I looked up to and thought was a humanitarian? That story alone made me want to take down the "Church". And it only gets worse. Ron's little mini me, Davey, is worse. I know a 12 yr. old girl that could prolly kick his ass. arghhhhhhhh

Pixie, You are in my thoughts and prayers.

byte301

Aaargh!! I know, that 'other fish to fry' statement used to really do my head in! Yes, how dare people want to eat and sleep all the time! :omg: That made me laugh! I haven't gotten around to reading Mayo's story, I'm behind on a lot of reading and have so much to cach up on. For sure, when you see stuff like that you wonder how the hell anyone can get over that kind of mental and physical abuse. Thank you so much for your kind reply and for keeping me in your prayers, that I appreciate more than you know. Read your earlier post, well done to you! You're a strong Warrior and a very brave soul. :thumbsup:
 

Pixie

Crusader
That's off-policy. There is an HCOB that specifically allows staff and SO members to draw 'social security' payments. Although, once in the SO, because you had sleeping quarters (12 to a room), and you were getting fed (beans and rice) there was a strong cultural discouragement from the 'dole'.

I was living on the dole the entire time I was on staff. Some people used to write on their forms that they were undertaking 'voluntary work', although I do remember the C/S, KRing and cramming a guy because he was "remaining connected to an SP organization," and "committing the same overt repeatedly."

Hello there Royal Prince. I get what you're saying, but there comes a point where you just don't have the fight left in you to start questioning what's policy and what's not. This was towards the end, we were .. my hubby and I SO posted in a Class V org so we didn't even have the money for beans and rice and were for a while sleeping in our car. When you've been fighting for years for what's on and off policy and no one seems to be caring enough to back you up, you just give up to an extent you know. KR's? Well I think I had enough of them to take down a whole forest!! Thanks for your reply.:)
 

Free to shine

Shiny & Free
KR's? Well I think I had enough of them to take down a whole forest!! Thanks for your reply.:)

You reminded me of something. I had a file of KRs from a certain situation that was around 2 foot high. The day I tossed them was a lovely day. Why keep that shit? It had thought "maybe one day there will be justice...?" Hey, aint gonna happen. Perhaps that was THE day I left for good. :D
 

Pixie

Crusader
You reminded me of something. I had a file of KRs from a certain situation that was around 2 foot high. The day I tossed them was a lovely day. Why keep that shit? It had thought "maybe one day there will be justice...?" Hey, aint gonna happen. Perhaps that was THE day I left for good. :D

Hey! You got to toss 'em out?! Good for you!! Two feet high!? Phew!! Go FTS .. Go FTS.. Go FTS.. :happydance:


Well I still have a fat folder of 'shit' under my stairs, it's been there for over ten years, though I might write a book about it all one day and kept it all for reference. Someday soon I may be able to take a peek at it again. But for sure, it's just all.. well .. shit :D
 

Free to shine

Shiny & Free
Hey! You got to toss 'em out?! Good for you!! Two feet high!? Phew!! Go FTS .. Go FTS.. Go FTS.. :happydance:


Well I still have a fat folder of 'shit' under my stairs, it's been there for over ten years, though I might write a book about it all one day and kept it all for reference. Someday soon I may be able to take a peek at it again. But for sure, it's just all.. well .. shit :D

Yeah that's what I realised. All the 'he said, she said' crap you can imagine. Absolutely awful and I shuddered thinking of reading it again. So many lies, so much hurt and distress. Excess baggage I had carted around for years, so out it went! :thumbsup:
 
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