ESMB Therapy for those truly still recovering

Terril park

Sponsor
You know, sometimes I think either a good boxing class, or kick boxing or punching bag would help me. I am trying this visualiztion and it isnt yet getting me relief, but boy if there was a punching bag...now that might be something.

Sometimes I think we have to get really PISSED OFF and punch things to really let out the physical side of the rage.

I have been thinking of doing this lately. After you feel all recovered from your injury, maybe it is something to consider....or if you are a runner...take it up. My friend is a runner and she swears that it unleashes her rage like nothing else.

I've not read Steve Hassan, but I'm suprised to see him advocating what is in effect creative processing, lifted from Magick. Its a powerful technique. I've seen a UK magician or something do it on TV with great results.

Try varying the mock up in whatever ways seem appropriate, or even innapropriate.
 

Voltaire's Child

Fool on the Hill
I agree, Dart. A staff member I knew who was sitting in judgment over me was very out 2d and responsible for someone else going out 2d. I didn't gloat when I found out, but it sure made me realize that we all have failings and that when we judge others, we often aren't looking at our very own failings.
 

Royal Prince Xenu

Trust the Psi Corps.
yea....I sure wish I had done that more. But if I felt 'fear' of getting into trouble, I can only imagine what a staffer or SO felt should they speak up. You are one of the few possibly .....

Never! I grew up abused and yelled at. At about 16 I finally realized I was big enough to fight back, and from that day on I took shit from nobody.

When an exec yelled at me, I had two standard responses. Give it all back, or pull the rug out from under them by asking "Are you done yet?"

I remember my first KR. There was some event coming up and as usual SO staff expected all Class IV resources. I got abused for allocating "my" resources to "my" org, and so I wrote my first KR on an SO exec. I later communicated properly with him and got rid of the bpc, but I made it very clear that the resources that I controlled were for my org, not for anyone else.

I had a rotten boss elsewhere who accused me of saying things about him behind his back. I assured him, "The reason you hear me saying things behind your back is because I raise my voice so that you CAN hear them!" :angry:

This guy was such a dickhead, that it was impossible to comm your way out of a problem, so I used to just bypass him. He was vindictive and played favorites with the staff. As you can guess, I didn't rate very highly on his personal scale.
 

sallydannce

Gold Meritorious Patron
Firstly thank you BoldGirl for starting this thread. Hassan knows his stuff for sure. His work has truly got my wheels rolling in the right direction. :)

Secondly I want to give Pixie one mighty big hug. :bighug:

I can't begin to know the shock that you went through with this insane level of interference in your private life. Your innocence, your loyalty, your purity, tampered with. What happened to you is what I simply call a mind fuck. I make no apologies for the language either.

Good for you Pixie getting this out in the open. Way to go!

I would now like to share an experience that has hang around in my head for many years. It is once again to do with the 2nd dynamic.

I had just joined staff at a class v org. I had met a scio man prior to joining staff and we were madly in love. He was on staff also. We were both dedicated staff members.

We had talked about having sex - was it okay per policy - & had read the 2nd dynamic rules policy carefully. Together we decided that with the love we had, we could have sex without damaging anyone or anything & we would not violate policy.

Looking at even that now makes me cringe. Imagine consulting a friggin' book to see if it was okay to have sex. How nutty was this I ask myself.

Okay so a few weeks goes by. He gets a rash on his private parts. He goes to the doctor - it is nothing. A heat rash or something innocent. He gets cream. It's all fine.

Next thing it is all around the fucking org. Tim (not his real name) has a sexually transmitted disease and he probably got it from "her". And stupid comments about "this is what happens when you go out-2d". Out 2D? WTF!!!!!!!!

Next thing I am hauled into the ED's office and she starts screaming at me. I stayed calm and asked her what the hell was going on. She said to me "you must have known that Tim had a sexually transmitted disease and YOU HAD SEX WITH HIM. YOU ARE DISGUSTING! Like a slut. I am so disgusted in you. Very disappointed. I had such high hopes for you."

I was shocked to the core.

This is how it would go now:

I would tell her that she had just used up her only opportunity to ever dish out her lies, her poisonous crap, to me. I would tell her that no one, but NO ONE tells me how I can and cannot live my life and experience intimacies. I would tell her that her opinion of me means NOTHING to me.

"Whoever the hell you think you are, you need to get a grip on reality!"

Then I would walk out of her sad pathetic ED office and walk down the hall, push the button for the elevator and ride down. I would walk out into the street and never look back.
 

Pixie

Crusader
Firstly thank you BoldGirl for starting this thread. Hassan knows his stuff for sure. His work has truly got my wheels rolling in the right direction. :)

Secondly I want to give Pixie one mighty big hug. :bighug:

I can't begin to know the shock that you went through with this insane level of interference in your private life. Your innocence, your loyalty, your purity, tampered with. What happened to you is what I simply call a mind fuck. I make no apologies for the language either.

Good for you Pixie getting this out in the open. Way to go!

I would now like to share an experience that has hang around in my head for many years. It is once again to do with the 2nd dynamic.

I had just joined staff at a class v org. I had met a scio man prior to joining staff and we were madly in love. He was on staff also. We were both dedicated staff members.

We had talked about having sex - was it okay per policy - & had read the 2nd dynamic rules policy carefully. Together we decided that with the love we had, we could have sex without damaging anyone or anything & we would not violate policy.

Looking at even that now makes me cringe. Imagine consulting a friggin' book to see if it was okay to have sex. How nutty was this I ask myself.

Okay so a few weeks goes by. He gets a rash on his private parts. He goes to the doctor - it is nothing. A heat rash or something innocent. He gets cream. It's all fine.

Next thing it is all around the fucking org. Tim (not his real name) has a sexually transmitted disease and he probably got it from "her". And stupid comments about "this is what happens when you go out-2d". Out 2D? WTF!!!!!!!!

Next thing I am hauled into the ED's office and she starts screaming at me. I stayed calm and asked her what the hell was going on. She said to me "you must have known that Tim had a sexually transmitted disease and YOU HAD SEX WITH HIM. YOU ARE DISGUSTING! Like a slut. I am so disgusted in you. Very disappointed. I had such high hopes for you."

I was shocked to the core.

This is how it would go now:

I would tell her that she had just used up her only opportunity to ever dish out her lies, her poisonous crap, to me. I would tell her that no one, but NO ONE tells me how I can and cannot live my life and experience intimacies. I would tell her that her opinion of me means NOTHING to me.

"Whoever the hell you think you are, you need to get a grip on reality!"

Then I would walk out of her sad pathetic ED office and walk down the hall, push the button for the elevator and ride down. I would walk out into the street and never look back.

:omg: Wow Sallydannce!!!! My good god, they were so so fucked up on the 2D thing weren't they, my impression was that they couldn't stand to see people truly in love. This was just pure harrassment in the extreme, and yes, the gossip, the rumours, from those 'holier than thou'. It makes me sick to my stomach. How humiliating that must have been for you both, how evil they were, how truly truly evil. I am so sorry you had to go through this too.

Thank you for that acknowledgement, it means a lot, it was really hard for me to write that, it scars me to this day. And what Alan wrote in his thread about lron explains a lot about how it affected me too, for years and years and years, until I came here on this forum in fact, and also why this was never ever picked up on a meter, because I was so collapsed in on myself, I could not, did not function for years after that. It was that incident that turned me into a cold hard bug eyed robot. Every emotion I had had been squashed flat, murdered.

It was a crime of magnitude, to purposely split two people up that were happy, upstat in their courses and deeply in love, yet I too was branded a slut, a whore and 'out 2D'. And then to have to read and re read and M9 'Pain and Sex'?????????? Oh god it makes me so angry and I still get pains in my stomach even thinking about it. Why oh why did I let them do that to us? Fear, just fear. :no: :bigcry:
 

sallydannce

Gold Meritorious Patron
Pixie, Tim & I were both humiliated but we both stayed for many years after this happened. We were both so heavily under the mind control.

I wrote about Hubbard not being able to experience love on another thread earlier today - Long road out of scientology thread.

I now firmly hold the position that because Hubbard was a psychopath he was threatened by anything that came close to love. This mentality permeates through the entire group. It is like some invisible virus in the air. It infects even decent men & women because he was a "powerful" psychopath.

Time after time I saw couples being hammered for one reason or another. I thought nothing of it - until I started to wake up.

Here's some good news as an ending to my wee story - I ended up marrying this man Tim. Now don't blush here Pixie, but Tim & I had wild sex as a married couple. That was until we got a divorce because he decided to join the sea org...oh fuck it just goes on & on...
 

Pixie

Crusader
Pixie, Tim & I were both humiliated but we both stayed for many years after this happened. We were both so heavily under the mind control.

I wrote about Hubbard not being able to experience love on another thread earlier today - Long road out of scientology thread.

I now firmly hold the position that because Hubbard was a psychopath he was threatened by anything that came close to love. This mentality permeates through the entire group. It is like some invisible virus in the air. It infects even decent men & women because he was a "powerful" psychopath.

Time after time I saw couples being hammered for one reason or another. I thought nothing of it - until I started to wake up.

Here's some good news as an ending to my wee story - I ended up marrying this man Tim. Now don't blush here Pixie, but Tim & I had wild sex as a married couple. That was until we got a divorce because he decided to join the sea org...oh fuck it just goes on & on...

:omg: :omg: Jesus Christ!!!!!!!!!!!! You're right, it just gets better and better, or worse and worse!!! I'm shocked!! I don't know what to say!! Well at least you two got the 'wild sex' out of the way, that in itself!!!! I would have loved to have had any sex with my friend, it was sooooo difficult twinning with him, we used to take our shoes off and our feet would just sit on top of the others foot. We never played 'footsie' as such, but we needed just to touch each other and this was the only way we could until we got off the bus at night and hid in a shed. Total madness really.

We could have taken more chances for sure but we were both just too scared, we were young too, we were training and there was the feeling that a lot of the SO felt trapped and didn't like the fact that you had any freedom at all so we were all kind of treated with a little contempt. Oh I don't know, if we wrote the whole story in book form we'd have to write it as fiction cos no one would believe it. :no:
 
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