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Everything. Everyone. Everywhere. Ends.


Con te partirò
Ever since I saw the final episode of the most amazing TV series ever made (IMO) - 6 Feet Under - I've been wanting to use this phrase:

Everything. Everyone. Everywhere. Ends.

The one big lesson I learned from watching 6 Feet Under is that no matter who or what you are, or even what you believe - everything comes to an end. It is the cycle of life. Without death there cannot be new beginnings and new life.

This year is rapidly coming to and end which means I am approaching my 10 year anniversary of leaving Scientology (which was March 2001). I've now officially been out longer than I was in. This 19 year period of having Scientology as a major part of my existence (either in Scn or recovering from it) is just under 50% of my life. This is far too long.

I started ESMB because *I* needed it. Some people think I did this altruistic thing only out of care for my fellows, and while there certainly was a part of me that wanted to help others (and I still do), I started it because I needed to speak freely and hear others speak freely about their experiences, their upsets, their joys and frustrations regarding their involvement in Scientology. I wanted to meet others and unburden myself and offer advice & encouragement to others and allow others that same opportunity.

ESMB has been successful beyond my wildest dreams. When I was planning the board I thought I might end up with 100 or so people (most of whom I already knew) and we would just hang around and shoot the shit without the constrictions and annoyances of ARS and OCMB (neither were very "ex" friendly at the time). I am very glad I did it and I'm happy that it has helped people and provided the opportunity for people to unstick themselves and move forward with their lives.

But now it is me that needs to move forward.

I've reached a point where I can no longer tolerate having Scientology define any part of me or be an active force in my life. I need this to end. I need to walk away and not look back. If I was just a member of ESMB I'd do a "goodbye" post and never log on again. But in my position I just can't do that.

Some of you know me and know that I've struggled with this decision for quite a long time. Had it not been for the arrival of Carmel, Feral, Scooter etc and the exciting things they were doing Down Under, I may not have done the last donation drive in October 09 and renewed the server for another 12 months.

For ESMB to be the kind of board I wanted it to be, it needs constant care, attention, love and maintenance. I have been very sloppy in these things for some time now and I feel the result of this is that the board is moving in a direction that is not under my control. And while I don't like it, I have no energy or determination left in me to try and change it.

ESMB is no longer the board I wanted it to be. I realise that this is mainly through my own neglect. I just don't have the stomach for it anymore. I have loads of unanswered PMs and emails that I can't even look at out of pure lack of interest. This isn't fair to those who want & need an active administrator - and especially one who cares.

So where does this leave us?

The hosting for ESMB is paid for until mid December 2010. ESMB will continue to operate until that time. You guys paid for it and you shall get what you paid for. I was always blown away by the generosity of ESMBers to pay for the hosting and shall always be grateful for it.

This leaves us with 4 months.

As I see it there are two options:

1. Someone takes the opportunity to start a new board and announces it to everyone and there will be a mass move across to the new "home". I know there have been people who have wanted to start a board of their own but felt it wouldn't be able to compete or didn't want to compete with ESMB. Now there is the chance for someone to build a better board and to learn from my mistakes.

If this happens I will leave ESMB up on a cheap shared server for archive purposes for a couple of years so that the data doesn't get lost. The board will be inactive but the threads will still be able to be searched.

2. Someone takes over from me as ESMB administrator.

While this seems to be the most obvious choice, it is not the easiest option. I've tried to hand over ESMB to a few trusted people in the past and so far have not been successful. One reason this is not an easy option is because there is not an abundance of candidates. First I have to know and trust them completely. The back end of ESMB is full of your personal data (email addresses, IP addresses, passwords, PMs etc) and I'm not prepared to give it to just anyone.

Another reason is that a new administrator mustn't have an agenda. I mean no disrespect to active FZers, but I think I'd be risking having a pro FZ agenda creep into the board if someone from that camp took over, where in the past I have tried to keep it neutral. The same goes for activists. I never wanted ESMB to be an activist board and I don't want that agenda to be driving the board either.

The last, and probably most important criterion, is that they should be an Ex Scientologist, or someone who knows Scientology as well as an ex. Again I mean no disrespect to Anons, but having no experience in Scientology and running a board for exes isn't a good fit.

Finally, (and this is proving to be the hardest to find) they have to WANT to do it. Nobody in their right mind would take on this job :) That I can totally understand.

This has been my dilemma for probably 18 months. I've always weighed up the pros & cons and it usually came out like this:

Emma has had enough (not that important) Vs Everyone who needs ESMB (very important)....... and that was enough to keep me going. But even that is not enough any more.

I'm really sorry. I know that will disappoint and even upset some people. I feel a bit like a home wrecker. This decision has not come easily for me. But like all big decisions in my life, once I've made it I'm unlikely to change it.

I'm quite emotional about doing this. ESMB is my baby and through its growth I have met some amazing people and witnessed incredible life changes as people began their recovery from Scientology. I wouldn't change this for anything.

ESMB has given me so much, sometimes I think I'm a fool to give it up. But in my heart I know it is the right decision for me....and probably me alone. It's selfish but I just can't adequately explain how much I need to let it go. I hope you can understand this, even in a small way.

If I started to thank all the people who have given me their love and support over the last (nearly) 4 years I'd be here all day and then risk leaving someone out. You know who you are. I'd have died a long time ago without you. Thank you.

I'll sign off from this post now before I get all emotional.

I do truly love each and everyone of you who have contributed to ESMB and wish all of you the best life has to offer.


Yeah I get what you are saying,
It feels better when the CofS no longer dominates your life.

Big Farmer

Patron with Honors
Thanks for setting this board up Emma. I do hope another person will pick up the baton and maintain this excellent resource, but finding someone as open minded and even handed will be difficult. Enjoy, your soon to be realised, new freedom.

EP - Ethics Particle

Gold Meritorious Patron
Life goes on...

Yeah I get what you are saying,
It feels better when the CofS no longer dominates your life.

I, and I am sure many others, "felt" this swirling atound in our individual and shared universes for a few months now... may I simply say, it's OK. :wink2: You are much loved and appreciated dear Ems. :hug::smoochy:

My thought is, that with this post and announcement, a chain of events will evolve that will be both exciting, positive, surprising and illuminating. :yes::thumbsup:

Mike horton, aka End Phenomena, Ethics Particle and EP


Gold Meritorious Patron
This is indeed bad news.

I do understand if you need to go, Emma, you've done a wonderful job.

I would like to say that I do not think ESMB should be allowed to die because Emma needs to move on. It is important to a lot of people. Some it has already helped as much as it is going to, but there are more people coming out of Scn every day that need this place to go and share viewpoints with others who have been through the same thing.

Secondly, it is a point of co-ordination for activism, even though that is not it's primary purpose, it has served well, simply because it has put ALL exes and critics in communication with each other and has done so in a friendly manner where people can take on what they feel is right when they are ready to.

It is not easy to mix freezoners, exes and critics in a harmonious group but ESMB seems to be the right formula and it is valuable.

I would very much like to see this board continue and I would be willing to contribute some time and effort to it.


Patron with Honors
Dear Emma

Thanks for your contribution and creation. This board had been very usefull to lot of us and I will miss it for sure though I didn't post on it for quite a while. Too bad you couldn't find a proper terminal to turn your administrator's hat over to.

I understand you need another game now and wish you the best in the future. Still I hope you'll find a candidate that will fill you're requirements before you let it go so it will continue to live.

There is one sentence that stroke me in what you just wrote : "ESMB is no longer the board I wanted it to be."

Could you please tell us more about your original purpose?




Bitter defrocked apostate
Dear Emma,

This board has been a fantastic place, where victims of the shipwreck that is Scientology could crawl ashore in safety, and in the mutual understanding of other victims.

I fully understand about your wanting to move on. It's probably not healthy to define ourselves as what we are not... at least, it can't go on indefinitely.

I can't help with the moderating (you don't know me, and I do have an agenda...) but I can help with the money, to keep things going beyond December. If that's of interest?

As for the community going off in a different direction to the one you anticipated or maybe hoped, that's life. Growth, and change. You've changed too. I say, why fight it? The board isn't just messages, it's a group of people, and people change, or move on... and this has been a time of unprecedented change, in how the world views L. Ron Hubbard and the things he left behind.

So, above all: thank you. And don't worry.


Diamond Invictus SP
I guess we can all just move over to Marty's board now. :whistling:

(just kidding) :coolwink::D:dieslaughing:

Thank-You so much Emma, especially for staying on as long as you have after wanting to leave. It's been my home for the past 14 months and was really something I needed in my life.

Forever Grateful

Good twin

Defining myself as an Ex was an important part of my recovery. The people I have met here have helped me expand my thinking and allowed me to explore who and what I am outside of my Scientology experience.

I didn't even know I could write until I came here. It had been thirty years since I had written anything other than a compliance report or a KR. Discovering that I love words and how they work for me outside the perameters of a starrate checkout, was HUGE. Thank you Emma and all of the ESMB community for that revelation.

I can understand wanting to keep ESMB open and active, but I really feel that ESMB as Emma intended it and created it, is over. Out of respect for Emma it's my opinion that we should all say our piece and tell what we have gained from our experience here and then move on. A new site could be created for the next generation of Exes, but our time has passed and we should move on.

Like EP I am excited about stepping out of my comfort zone and exploring the next chapter of emotional and spiritual growth in my life.

I don't think you can really measure the value of this experience we've shared here. I personally know of persons who visit regularly and never post and one who has never created a log in. Emma will never know how many she has touched and what she has accomplished.

I see no reason to keep ESMB going past it's natural expiration. There will be life after ESMB and it will be better because of ESMB.

Love you ALL!!! :smoochy:


Gold Meritorious Patron
Thanks for everything you have done here Emma.
Its sad but I'm happy for you too. When healing is done and there is a natural need to move on, it is a good thing. I will just miss your presence.

Bea Kiddo

Thank you Ems. This board came about at the exact right time my life. Right when I needed it. And it has helped me tremendously in overcoming the confusions and oppressions of the past in the SO and in Scn. To the point where it no longer defines me either.

I am infinitely grateful for this board, and I completely understand your decision.

All the best of luck to you!

(And don't disconnect! You still has friends, eh?)

Tiger Lily

Gold Meritorious Patron
“What you leave behind is not what is engraved in stone monuments, but what is woven into the lives of others.” -Pericles

Emma, it's obvious that this is hard for you. Please don't feel badly -- what you have done is immeasurable and it won't end here. This board will end, even if someone takes it over it will be moderated differently and it will change, but that's what life is about. This board has been a springboard for so many great things. You have provided a fantastic example of what an exes board can be, which will be the "gold standard" for other boards that come up. You have made it OK for people to speak out and to tell your their story, and that has given strength and courage and healing to so many and to the "Exes" movement in particular. Exes will take what they've gotten from here and use it in their own ways to help others. You are truly a great woman for what you've given here.

And . . . . I am so happy for you that you are ready to put Scientology behind you and to live your life fully. :happydance: You've provided that opportunity for so many others and now you get to enjoy it as well!

Thank you so much for what you did here for me and for so many others. I wish you the very best!



Wow, Emma.

First of all, congratulations on now having spent more time out than in. I know how you feel to want to just let it go now.

I'm too feisty to be the Admin and even if I were qualified, I can't commit to it anyway, but I am willing to help the new Admin if there is a way to divvy up the workload. Just to make it easier.

Because ESMB deserves to continue, and you, Emma, deserve to give yourself a monstrous pat on the back and do whatever you want with your life because it belongs to you.

Thank you. In the biggest way. :thankyou:


Patron with Honors
I've reached a point where I can no longer tolerate having Scientology define any part of me or be an active force in my life. I need this to end. I need to walk away and not look back.

I understand perfectly. Thanks for your efforts; and may the wind always be at your back.

EP - Ethics Particle

Gold Meritorious Patron
A "Call to Arms", if you will...

Excerpt from: Preface to the Instauratio Magna

Francis Bacon

That the state of knowledge is not prosperous nor greatly advancing; and that a way must be opened for the human understanding entirely different from any hitherto known, and other helps provided, in order that the mind may exercise over the nature of things the authority which properly belongs to it.


The requests I have to make are these. of myself I say nothing; but in behalf of the business which is in hand I entreat men to believe that it is not an opinion to be held, but a work to be done; and to be well assured that I am labouring to lay the foundation, not of any sect or doctrine, but of human utility and power. Next, I ask them to deal fairly by their own interests, and laying aside all emulations and prejudices in favour of this or that opinion, to join in consultation for the common good; and being now freed and guarded by the securities and helps which I offer from the errors and impediments of the way, to come forward themselves and take part in that which remains to be done. Moreover, to be of good hope, nor to imagine that this Instauration of mine is a thing infinite and beyond the power of man, when it is in fact the true end and termination of infinite error; and seeing also that it is by no means forgetful of the conditions of mortality and humanity, (for it does not suppose that the work can be altogether completed within one generation, but provides for its being taken up by another); and finally that it seeks for the sciences not arrogantly in the little cells of human wit, but with reverence in the greater world. But it is the empty things that are vast: things solid are most contracted and lie in little room.




Lord Chancellor

of England

1561 - 1626