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Funny Scn stories

Discussion in 'Stories From Inside Scientology' started by Voltaire's Child, Dec 7, 2007.

  1. Voltaire's Child

    Voltaire's Child Fool on the Hill


    I was thinking it could be fun to post humorous anecdotes from when we were in CofS. Some would be about things that we did or saw when on staff, but there could be ones from when the person was public, too.

    Mick had posted a neat one a few weeks ago.

    I can't possibly top that one but I will post an anecodote that might be kinda fun anyway.

    My husband John was a course supv. And he used to do "Chinese Drill" with us at beginning of staff study.

    He always did "Standard". Never got beyond that one. I used to say "When do we get to do another word?" And he'd smile and say "when you really know that one."

    So we'd Chinese Drill "standard".

    So anyway, one day he came down for staff study himself and I had to starrate him on some bulletin. I was casting about for a cool word to spot check him on and without thinking I said "What is the definition of standard?"

    Well, his eyes lit up with this sort of unholy glee and he said with no comm lag: "Standard, a definite level or degree of quality that is proper and adequate for a specific purpose."

    And everybody started cracking up.

    Ok, that's kind of little but if you'd have been there, you guys might have been amused.

    Now YOU try one.
  2. Voltaire's Child

    Voltaire's Child Fool on the Hill

    Oh come on, now. There must have been some funny cute stuff that happened when some of you guys were in...

    Don't make me have to tell you another John story! :p
  3. Tanstaafl

    Tanstaafl Crusader

    Sorry, Fluff - it was mostly bloody miserable! :D
  4. Voltaire's Child

    Voltaire's Child Fool on the Hill

    OMG! You're Tanspaarkle now...
  5. Tanstaafl

    Tanstaafl Crusader

    I'm starting the feel the same way about ESMB! :melodramatic:
  6. Dulloldfart

    Dulloldfart Squirrel Extraordinaire


    Pic 1: Peter Hill with me on the front steps of Stonelands, SO berthing place.
    Pic 2: On stage. From left to right: Hazel Grafton; Peter Hill; me; David Flood; Carol Beatty; Anna Angel?.

    On Sea Org Day in 1974 or '75 we had the whole day off. Remarkable at
    the time. We put on a whole costume musical called "Treasury Island".
    It took place at Stonelands, a large stone Elizabethan mansion where
    the SO crew lived, about four miles from SH. There was a large
    ballroom there, with oak-panel walls and a large stone fireplace, which
    normally was a men's dorm. I slept in there with about twenty other
    guys for seven years.

    All the furniture was removed; a stage was built about two feet off the
    ground with rudimentary stage lighting installed; Alex Smith painted a
    large backdrop; chairs were imported; and we had a show for a couple of
    hours with an audience of about 100. There were some other items in
    addition to Treasury Island.

    There were also games and a roast pig barbecue and soccer and other
    goodies to pretty much fill up the day with fun.

    This was the best SO Day I experienced in 23 years.

    Treasury Island was a take-off of Treasure Island. It was basically
    about a Sea Org reg tour to a remote Pacific island to collect some
    money from a prospect and get it counted on the Gross Income stat for
    that week before 2 PM.

    I arrived late on the scene, about a week before the event. Someone
    had just discovered that I could write, and asked me to contribute.
    Things grew from there and come the night I ended up directing and
    performing six original songs that I had written. Oh, I sing too. Or
    I did.

    My character was the Head Cannibal. My costume consisted of some
    leaves sewn onto a pair of brief shorts, so it looked like I was
    wearing only leaves about my loins. And make-up to darken the skin all
    over. And a large circular-ish metal object on a chain around my neck,
    that went well with the native mock-up. I had hair then too.

    Sitting in the front seats of the audience were all the senior execs
    from the GOWW, as well as from FOLO UK and AOSHUK and SH FDN. My post
    at the time was Flag Banking Officer AOSHUK, and almost everyone knew
    me as a strait-laced kind of guy. It made for an interesting first
    appearance on stage.

    There were about ten characters total. The songs were performed mostly
    offstage with me directing, with me as lead and a chorus of four or
    five. There was a piano and a piano-player, but we had had no
    rehearsal, and the guy didn't really know the tunes ahead of time. So
    we sang them a cappella. Rehearsal was very skimpy! None of us were
    professional or even very experienced singers, but it all went over
    very well indeed.

    The first song was an introduction. To make it all simple, with very
    limited rehearsal time, and because I was lousy at writing melodies, I
    used well-known tunes and just wrote fresh words. What follows is just
    a few fragments from memory--I never kept a copy of the script. I
    think we managed to mimeo it off at the time. I'm sure there's one
    floating around somewhere in someone's treasured memorabilia.

    Song 1. Sung to the tune of "The British Grenadiers", one of the most
    recognizable regimental marches and still a much-loved patriotic
    British song (as some web-site says about it).

    We came out here on a Rush P.O.*
    To get GI** uptrending
    If we go home with the GI down
    We'll be had for over-spending
    Whatever may occur today
    We're going to see it through
    So come what may
    We'll win the day
    We're a loyal Sea Org crew

    (another three or four verses, now forgotten)
    (some syllables have to be extended to fit the music but I haven't
    bothered to reproduce that)
    *Rush PO = Rush Purchase Order, a basically-illegal way of spending
    next week's income
    **GI = Gross Income

    Part of the accompaniment was some people singing "" to
    simulate a drum beating in time with the music. Now that I think of
    it, the first verse was me bom-bomming my way through the melody to
    simulate a marching band. A bit of a skimpy marching band.

    At the end of the song, the rhythmic beat kept going, but segued into a
    "chhhsh" kind of noise, like a snare drum. It would have been better
    with real drums, but what the hell!

    Once this was going ahead and I was confident the rest of the chorus
    could keep it going, I left the group at the side of the stage (and
    off-stage), and crept around the back. My intent was to stick my head
    up over the back of the stage and make an appearance that way. I stuck
    my head up, but no-one could see me, so I gradually stuck my head and
    shoulders up until I got an audience reaction. I looked left and right
    in an exaggerated fashion to make sure the coast was clear, then stood
    up. I had to stand there for about a minute until the laughter had
    almost died away, then I thumped loudly on the stage with a big stick I
    was carrying. More laughter... Thump! Quiet. Then the rest of the
    cannibal band came on stage, equally sillily made-up. One cannibal
    (Dave Flood) was wearing dark glasses. Very authentic. More
    laughter... Thump!

    The snare drum was still going, so I used that for rhythm and launched
    straight into my introductory song.

    It was "I'm a Cannibal", sung to the tune of Monty Python's "I'm a
    Lumberjack". I would sing a line or two, then the Cannibal Chorus
    would repeat them, just like in the Lumberjack song, or as best as I
    remembered it.

    I'm a cannibal, and I'm OK
    I eat human bodies
    Nicely cooked o'er a big log fire
    With lovely bloody toddies


    (Another few verses I forget).

    Later there were another four songs, but I sang them offstage and I
    don't remember them now.

    Other cast members I recall were Chris Burton as Ben Gun, and Mark
    Gardner. I don't remember Mark's character, but he distinguished
    himself by performing drunk and falling off the back of the stage. It
    wasn't scripted, but no-one seemed to notice. Except Mark.

    I had all my attention on the songs, and others had written the
    dialogue anyway, and I don't remember a single line of it apart from
    Hazel Grafton running on-stage shouting, "Help, help, I've been
    GRAPED." Someone said, "Surely, madam, you mean 'raped'?" "No, no
    there was a BUNCH of them." It's not even particularly funny, but
    since it's all I remember after thirty years I added it to this
    historical record.

    The whole day went very well. We put the beds back into the ballroom
    that night so we could sleep, then completed the move back the next
    morning. It was Sunday, so we didn't have to be on post until noon.

    And that was my introduction as a performer to the world. And to me
    too, astonishingly. I had never done anything remotely similar this
    lifetime, except to sing a few quiet songs with a guitar in front of
    three people at most a few times.

    JustSheila likes this.
  7. Tanstaafl

    Tanstaafl Crusader

    Nice one, Paul!

    Personally, I thing the "graped" joke is really funny if delivered well. :D
  8. Div6

    Div6 Crusader

    You're not such a dull old fart after all...

    Sounds hilarious. I think every org should have a performance space....
  9. Leon

    Leon Gold Meritorious Patron

    In South Africa the thing you guys call a "tennis shoe" or "sandshoe" or something like that - you know, a sort of rubber and canvas shoe - is known as a "Tackie". Everyone calls it that and by extension even car tyres get called tackies.

    OK. That's the preamble. You need to know that.

    There was this very well known celebrity type who was getting his Grade One. On it there is a process "Get the idea of attacking".

    Fast forward to punch line. The dude spent three hours or more dutifully getting the idea of a tackie, alternating with somehow getting the idea of a no-tackie, and the process going absolutely nowhere. LOL

    Eventually the auditor packed it in and left it to the Dof P to sort out.
  10. tessa

    tessa Patron

    Ah i have a good one that happened to me in PAC.One high finance terminal really well indocrinated and tough had decided that i needed a sec check.I had a counter intention to that and i was sure i needed some corrective audidind before that anyway i was determined not to get the sec checks from this guy.He pulled me in the auditing room set the e meter ,checked my metabolism and procceded to give the first command! And wow his denture slipped off his mouth Ha!Ha!:eyeroll: I knew at that moment i had won he was so embarassed lost all his altitude.He said to me something along this line we wont have the session today and let me go and did not bother with me again.Guys it really happened and i still get to laugh when i think of it.He was so determined but not more then i was!:yes: tessa
    Clay Pigeon likes this.
  11. Bea Kiddo

    Bea Kiddo Crusader

    Nice one!!!:thumbsup:
  12. Voltaire's Child

    Voltaire's Child Fool on the Hill

    Paul, Tessa, Leon.

    Great stories. Love the musical. "I'm a cannibal and I'm ok..."

    too funny...
  13. Voltaire's Child

    Voltaire's Child Fool on the Hill

    There was one time when I was mission staff, I was giving an exam in the courseroom.

    For some reason, John had decided to pick that particular moment to, on the floor above us-right near the door leading the the courseroom steps-, to do a ballad with the missionholder's dog- who I think was part hound.

    So the two of them were howling and howling, sort of musically.

    Couldn't give the exam- pc couldn't concentrate.

    I went upstairs and asked them, well, I asked John (the dog had a limited vocabulary. Besides, he was talked into the whole thing by John) just what he thought he was doing...we were trying to give an exam.So I got them to stop and then was able to give the exam.

    I was annoyed at the time, but later on saw this as all pretty funny.
    JustSheila likes this.
  14. Good twin

    Good twin Floater

    another funny one

    An old hsdc auditor told the story of a pc who was given the command "Scan through the incident and say what is happening as you go through it."

    The Pc with eyes shut says over and over "What is happening, what is happening".

  15. Alanzo

    Alanzo Bardo Tulpa

    At least he is under the control of the auditor!
  16. m-face

    m-face New Member

    Nothing really funny happened to me, but i do remember one event i was sitting in the way back against the wall and another staff member (I think she was the D of T) was sitting in one of those fold up chairs against the wall as well. The auditorium was silent watching the video and then all you heard was a big crash and I looked over and the chair had broken out from underneath her and she was layed out on the ground. I could not contain my laughter entirely and let out a few snickers. I could never look at her again without restimulationg that memory in my beloved bank without laughing.
  17. Wisened One

    Wisened One Crusader

    LOL and Welcome, M-Face :welcome:
  18. Little Bear Victor

    Little Bear Victor Silver Meritorious Patron

    One of my favorites was a success story that one gal was telling the whole Int Base, some 600 people at the time, at graduation. She had completed the purif and as part of her success story she said ''I turned on flushes in places where the sun had never shone!''

    You can imagine the crowd reaction.
  19. Voltaire's Child

    Voltaire's Child Fool on the Hill

  20. GoButtonIsBlowButton

    GoButtonIsBlowButton Patron with Honors

    Laffs at FCDC

    Lots of fun, before J&D got enforced. Many would-be comedians on staff.

    There was a black body router, Steve (?) Jones, a young, very upbeat guy, who used to do this bit called "James Brown Goes Clear". He'd grab a broom handle for the microphone, and do a killer imitation of Brown, saying "DA DA DA DA DA! Get on The Bridge!! DA DA DA DA Do it right now!! DA DA DA DA Pick up the cans!! Got a F/N DA DA DA DA!" and then culminate in a classic Brown "Yowwwwwwwwwwww!" Broke me up every time!

    There was this very controlled, somewhat serious auditor Tom (?) Walmer, who hated the smokers in the org (most of us). He even wore a button that said "Yes, I DO mind!" To make a long story short, he had all these plants in his auditing room to make things look nice. POT PLANTS (no, not potted plants... pot plants!!). He simply disagreed with the drug policy on pot... very matter of fact. He told me it never came up in session. He got away with it for quite a while, and was actually a very good auditor!

    Rick Green, now working for WISE's Hollander Consulting, was a laff riot. He had such a way with words. When he was briefly a reg, he used to ask the prospect to "stroke me a check". One day Franks and a couple of other high-ups were huddled in the reg area trying to figure out how they were going to get some good music for a mandated Birthday for LRH. Finally Franks asked if anyone knew anyone who could play some classical music. Rick waited for the right moment, and then said, "Well, I know this chick who plays the skin flute." The laughter didn't stop for half an hour.