Hello all. I have finally worked up the courage to make this first post. Take this first step. I have been lurking for several months as a guest on this and other boards. What finally brought me to the point of registering, after having read horror story after horror story of staff and public, was reading Feral’s and Ms. Pattycake’s stories. OMG. Many stories that I have read on this board and others have really touched me, but their stories actually caused me to take my first action and register so that I could participate, too. At least so that I could share my comments with others as I felt comfortable doing. I am slowly handling my “fear” considerations of what might happen if I “get caught.”
Just a brief introduction: I am a long time Scientologist, having taken my free personality test in November 1974 and getting started on the Comm Course right away. Once I had wins on the TRs, I felt it was the first time in my life I had actually communicated and been communicated to. I felt I was finally in present time. My life was wonderfully warm and fuzzy. I was so happy to have found this group of people. I will have to say that before I ever found Scientology, I already knew I was aware of being aware; I knew I was immortal; I had gone exterior many times before my introduction to Scientology under multiple different situations. On the TRs, I was introduced to a way I could actually communicate to another in the theta universe, even sometimes without speaking words in a telepathic manner. This was an ability I was already familiar with. I could feel a wonderful flow of communication, attention, admiration and theta. People liked me more and more; and I like them more and more. Even people at work and outside of Scientology liked me more than before and made that known to me. Before Scientology, people may have thought I was outgoing, but actually I was rather shy. I was now more in communication with my environment and others. This was good and was very encouraging and I felt I had found a new way of life. The grade chart pointed the way for me and Clear and OT was where I was headed.
Let me back up just a minute. Before Scientology, I was looking for something. Something more. I had graduated high school, gotten married to my high school sweetheart, gotten divorced, was a single person working day in and day out, goofing off evenings and weekends and I knew there had to be more to life than that. I was reading the Tao, B.F. Skinner, self-help books, the Bible, transcendental meditation, anything I could get my hands on to find out what more was available to me in life. There just HAD to be more than I could perceive at that moment. I felt I had found it in Scientology.
I joined staff a couple of months later on a 2 ½ year contract. It was wonderful and hard; I hated it and I loved it. I met my husband, we married and by the time I left staff 2 ½ years later I was 5 months pregnant. However, leaving proved to be very messy and I ended up being declared. Since I told someone I wasn’t going to re-sign when I was asked about it, but was going to leave, I got declared an SP based on the recently released HCO PL Leaving & Leaves. I experienced disconnection from all my newly made friends. Then, when I returned to the Church in the early 1980s, the MAA told me the SP declare was an injust action and it was rescinded. I got back on the Bridge after having done a set of lower conditions.
For the next 31 years I did training and auditing and eventually attested to New OTVIII. I was an FSM, VM and an OT Committee member. Then, I join staff again at a Class V org. My staff experience this time was not like it was for me in the 1970s. Something had drastically changed. It was hard and not pretty at all. The theta was mostly non-existent or came across as forced or false. I really couldn’t believe things had changed so drastically. In the 1970s, it was of the utmost importance for a person to get trained and audited; to actually go up the Bridge and training was very much pushed. Make auditors, get trained, be a Class VI. Even staff were trained and audited and went to do their OT levels. That did not seem to be the case with my recent staff experience. It was my perception that people were valuable as long as they had the money to contribute to the various entities, such as IAS, Super Power, Library Project, etc. Otherwise, they were kicked off to the side to fend for themselves, more or less. I personally did not witness the expansion spoken of in the recent international events I saw. It wasn’t happening at my org. I don’t know where it was happening, but not where I was. The org I joined back in the 1970s was huge. The org I had recently joined was small. I was very shocked. In the 30 intervening years what in the world had happened?! I couldn’t believe my eyes, but I knew I was capable of helping. I was certain of it at the time I joined staff again, but that turned out to apparently not be the case either.
Over the years, I mostly kept my mouth shut concerning the changes I saw happening with the Golden Age of Tech, the new definition of FN, the way the 6-month sec checks were being audited, the solo NOTS auditors dropping off the level, revision of the Basic books, etc. It became clear that these were things not to be questioned or there would be trouble. As my dad used to say, “Yours is not to question why. Yours is but to do or die.” Then, there was the militaristic way of handling public, as well as staff, especially OTs. This was especially baffling because as we move up the Bridge to OT, we are to be more trusted, right? It was hard for me to reconcile what was being said to what was being done. Then there were the mandatory meetings, mandatory attendance at events, the incessant call-in activities, heavy ethics handlings, insistence to come up with more and more money. The knowledge reports I wrote on the situations I observed seemed to go nowhere and seemed to have no effect. I saw no changes as a result of having written them. I saw my Scientology friends having grave financial difficulties, declaring bankruptcy, losing their homes and businesses. These were people who had contributed many 10s and 100s of thousands of dollars to the Church. I witnessed them having to endure heavy ethics handlings because they had no money to donate, no money to continue auditing on the Bridge. This was heartbreaking to me to see so much upset being created by, of all things, my church. I noticed that one (including me) didn’t say much of anything when they were witness to a staff member being yelled at in the hallway or being manhandled. Sometimes I was just stunned into silence thinking that this is just not the way a church should operate; not the way a church should treat their parishioners or their staff. A church, of all things, should not operate like this. Especially MY church, the one which has the tech to handle case on the planet and clear everyone. But, because I was so focused on achieving my lifelong goal of being OT, I kept the blinders on and my nose to the grindstone and minded my own business. My eternity was at stake, as you know, as was the relationship with my family and friends.
Since I left staff, much has happened with my viewpoint about the Church of Scientology proper. One day a few months ago, I was doing an internet search for something and bumped into an article I knew I shouldn’t read about Scientology. But I did anyway. Then, I read another and another and another and have been educating myself since that time on what I haven’t been allowed to look at for 35 years. I am still adjusting my viewpoints to this new information and sifting through and evaluating the information now available to me. I haven’t fully formed an opinion of how I really feel about LRH or the technology as yet. Right now, I feel parts of the tech are valid, workable and valuable, and will and do help mankind if applied per LRH. Other parts I have not made a decision about thus far. However, as far as Church management and the direction that has taken, I have experienced the bad effects of that from inside Class V org staff. I did not like what I saw and had to experience. I felt that it was very destructive of staff, public and the church. The destruction far outweighed the construction and I see the result now of an apparently crumbling church. I never, ever thought I would witness this in my lifetime. I never, ever thought I would feel about the church as I have come to feel now.
Once I realized that my viewpoint had changed, I knew, as a matter of personal integrity and truth, that I had to somehow speak to my closest family members about it. I started by gently speaking to each of them in a test communication cycle to see if I could find out where they stood regarding the church, the tech, LRH and what is currently happening with the church in the news. I knew there was something there preventing complete communication with me and I wondered if somehow this could be it. To my utter amazement, I discovered all three had been withholding themselves and their communication from me about this for fear they would have to disconnect from me if they communicated how they really felt! One had been withholding communication about this for as long as 14 years, another longer than that and another for a whole year. Wow! I couldn’t believe it. How happy and relieved I am to have regained the communication with them that I had been missing. It is a wonderful feeling to have my family back.
I cannot deny the gains I have experienced on my Bridge. I do not regret having done the Bridge that I have done. One of my friends, a Scientologist for longer than me, has disavowed the Church and the tech. I am not of that mind. Some are. As I said, I am relatively new to this research but I know what I know and know what the tech has done for me. And what it has not done for me.
This introduction has not been as brief as I had originally envisioned. I am happy to make my introduction to you, nonetheless, and hope to hear from you, too. I appreciate you being here and sharing your stories. It is valuable.
Love,
IM
Good for you on investigating the Co$. Many more will investigate and find their way - out!
I just finished reading this. 
to you!
