Hello all, it's been a long time. The last time I posted here my life was falling a part. I was in a bad relationship, poker was getting shut down and I lost most of my friends from my inability to pay my rent. When I started taking Zoloft I went through so many changes that it was much to process and I didn't write, although I believe it would have helped me to do so. A big part of me stopping writing here is I found my mom had seen my posts. She said I was a liar, only highlighting the bad, etc. I saw the truth in that, and it made me doubt myself. I wanted to write when I could be sure of myself. I didn't want to write to get pity or to only say one side of the story. I want to write to make a difference. To transmute the pain into something better.
I have a lot to stay and it's a bit overwhelming. I started to and I feel like I have to write a whole book in this short time period and I just end up stopping. So what I will do now is just say where I'm at.
I've learned that I'm a narcissist and I have borderline personality disorder. I hate labels like this and each person is infinite shades of gray, but I feel these best describe me. I never properly bonded with my mom, or with anyone. In fact the wall I had built was so large it took my life falling apart for me to realize I needed help. I was lucky to have friends who supported me and chipped away at my wall. Eventually I did open up and feel love, although briefly. Having an actual connection with someone was very scary for me. I am a liar, but only when I feel that fear of abandonment. That fear that if I let someone know what I'm really like they would hate me and leave me forever. The worst things were the ones even I couldn't accept. That I was manipulative, selfish, etc. In spite of those qualities, I didn't go around intentionally trying to hurt people, I only lied to protect myself. Unfortunately eventually I'd always end up hurting people when I showed them some of the real me and shared my pain. I really can't put to words how painful and hard it was for me to accept myself, and to share that with other people. It was like a brick wall, and I have to admit external influences helped me smash it. I don't think anyone can do it alone, because the very cure has to do with having a good connection with another person. This is part of why I forgive my mom.
There was a point where I was about to be homeless. My friends had set me up with a girl and I couldn't relax and enjoy myself. More of the same that I experienced with my ex. So much pain with no pleasure in sight and I was ready to kill myself. What was the point of life if I was never going to enjoy it? I'm incredibly reserved about acting out on my emotions but I can't express the innate urge to cause harm to myself that I felt at that point, and if something further happened I'm positive I would have taken my life. By some miracle a man came into my work shortly after the experience with that girl talking on the phone about a child who had been abused. At that point I had decided that I was done hiding myself, that I was going to be open and say anything, but I needed help. I told him I'd been abused and we talked a bit and I explained my situation. He said the words I'll never forget "Well, abuse comes in many different forms, but from the sounds of it you have been abused and you're a survivor. I'd like to be a part of your support group if that's ok.". At the time I had no support. He helped me get a place and not be homeless and gave me work. He was the head lawyer for the state for 25 years and had helped many children and was well connected. I did odd jobs for him for 3 years making minimum wage until I was finally able to get a bottom level job working as a student assistant. Not a state employee technically yet but I had my foot in the door. I was riding my bike 8+ miles a day working the job and then taking classes hoping they would see my knowledge (I'm very good with computers) and I could get actual full time employment. When I wasn't working I was drowning my pain with pot and alcohol and even cigarettes (something I never thought I'd do as my parents smoked and I found it disgusting) Within 2 months they promoted me to one of the best positions in the state, System Software Specialist with full benefits and 70k a year which was a record. I just recently passed probation so I'm set for life as far as that goes.
I'm set to see a therapist on Monday. I'll admit I am stubborn and I have been trying to fix myself alone, I don't have a lot of faith in therapy. I have experimented with drugs too. Anyone who knows the desperation of being stuck with pain will understand my willingness to try it, and I was against psychiatric medicines (I talked with a psychiatrist and after 30 minutes they prescribed me lithium). I read about studies using mushrooms to treat ptsd anxiety and depression but I was scared of trying them. I was scared some of the old emotions would come back. Even with all the work I had done with cognitive behavior therapy, meditation, exercise, etc, some deep fears just would not leave me. When I finally tried mushrooms it was a revelation. I reached a state of relaxation and peace I didn't know was possible and after that my personality had changed. I was permanently more relaxed. A much better alternative to the Welbutrin I was on at the time (which was mild compared to Zoloft). It's only part of the puzzle though, the trick is to learn what is stopping you from reaching that state while sober. Funny enough my tolerance to drugs is incredibly high, probably because Scientology is like a drug in itself and my brain was already used to the highs and lows. I still haven't been with a girl since my ex although I've had a couple brief experiences. I decided I was not ready for a relationship until I fixed myself and I made that clear to the girls I was with. It's been hard to go out and socialize and put myself in situations where I can meet people but I have slowly improved in all areas.
My goals now are to get clean from drugs. At least to the point where I'm somewhat balanced, I'm not aiming for perfection. Mostly that is cutting out pot, I'm not too crazy with alcohol and I don't find it too hard to quit smoking cigarettes. My life is much more balanced now compared to where I used to be, but I still have a lot of work to do. I do yoga, I lift weights, but I still struggle with painful emotions that cause me to act out. They just aren't as extreme as before.
Well I have much more I could say but this is a start at least.
Here's a pic of me at my first rave, a way I found I could socialize with mostly loving and non-judgemental people. I've yet to find a social group that I feel I truly belong too, but even though a lot of these guys are misfits they at least accept me.
Edit: Oh, I'm the guy on the right.
I have a lot to stay and it's a bit overwhelming. I started to and I feel like I have to write a whole book in this short time period and I just end up stopping. So what I will do now is just say where I'm at.
I've learned that I'm a narcissist and I have borderline personality disorder. I hate labels like this and each person is infinite shades of gray, but I feel these best describe me. I never properly bonded with my mom, or with anyone. In fact the wall I had built was so large it took my life falling apart for me to realize I needed help. I was lucky to have friends who supported me and chipped away at my wall. Eventually I did open up and feel love, although briefly. Having an actual connection with someone was very scary for me. I am a liar, but only when I feel that fear of abandonment. That fear that if I let someone know what I'm really like they would hate me and leave me forever. The worst things were the ones even I couldn't accept. That I was manipulative, selfish, etc. In spite of those qualities, I didn't go around intentionally trying to hurt people, I only lied to protect myself. Unfortunately eventually I'd always end up hurting people when I showed them some of the real me and shared my pain. I really can't put to words how painful and hard it was for me to accept myself, and to share that with other people. It was like a brick wall, and I have to admit external influences helped me smash it. I don't think anyone can do it alone, because the very cure has to do with having a good connection with another person. This is part of why I forgive my mom.
There was a point where I was about to be homeless. My friends had set me up with a girl and I couldn't relax and enjoy myself. More of the same that I experienced with my ex. So much pain with no pleasure in sight and I was ready to kill myself. What was the point of life if I was never going to enjoy it? I'm incredibly reserved about acting out on my emotions but I can't express the innate urge to cause harm to myself that I felt at that point, and if something further happened I'm positive I would have taken my life. By some miracle a man came into my work shortly after the experience with that girl talking on the phone about a child who had been abused. At that point I had decided that I was done hiding myself, that I was going to be open and say anything, but I needed help. I told him I'd been abused and we talked a bit and I explained my situation. He said the words I'll never forget "Well, abuse comes in many different forms, but from the sounds of it you have been abused and you're a survivor. I'd like to be a part of your support group if that's ok.". At the time I had no support. He helped me get a place and not be homeless and gave me work. He was the head lawyer for the state for 25 years and had helped many children and was well connected. I did odd jobs for him for 3 years making minimum wage until I was finally able to get a bottom level job working as a student assistant. Not a state employee technically yet but I had my foot in the door. I was riding my bike 8+ miles a day working the job and then taking classes hoping they would see my knowledge (I'm very good with computers) and I could get actual full time employment. When I wasn't working I was drowning my pain with pot and alcohol and even cigarettes (something I never thought I'd do as my parents smoked and I found it disgusting) Within 2 months they promoted me to one of the best positions in the state, System Software Specialist with full benefits and 70k a year which was a record. I just recently passed probation so I'm set for life as far as that goes.
I'm set to see a therapist on Monday. I'll admit I am stubborn and I have been trying to fix myself alone, I don't have a lot of faith in therapy. I have experimented with drugs too. Anyone who knows the desperation of being stuck with pain will understand my willingness to try it, and I was against psychiatric medicines (I talked with a psychiatrist and after 30 minutes they prescribed me lithium). I read about studies using mushrooms to treat ptsd anxiety and depression but I was scared of trying them. I was scared some of the old emotions would come back. Even with all the work I had done with cognitive behavior therapy, meditation, exercise, etc, some deep fears just would not leave me. When I finally tried mushrooms it was a revelation. I reached a state of relaxation and peace I didn't know was possible and after that my personality had changed. I was permanently more relaxed. A much better alternative to the Welbutrin I was on at the time (which was mild compared to Zoloft). It's only part of the puzzle though, the trick is to learn what is stopping you from reaching that state while sober. Funny enough my tolerance to drugs is incredibly high, probably because Scientology is like a drug in itself and my brain was already used to the highs and lows. I still haven't been with a girl since my ex although I've had a couple brief experiences. I decided I was not ready for a relationship until I fixed myself and I made that clear to the girls I was with. It's been hard to go out and socialize and put myself in situations where I can meet people but I have slowly improved in all areas.
My goals now are to get clean from drugs. At least to the point where I'm somewhat balanced, I'm not aiming for perfection. Mostly that is cutting out pot, I'm not too crazy with alcohol and I don't find it too hard to quit smoking cigarettes. My life is much more balanced now compared to where I used to be, but I still have a lot of work to do. I do yoga, I lift weights, but I still struggle with painful emotions that cause me to act out. They just aren't as extreme as before.
Well I have much more I could say but this is a start at least.
Here's a pic of me at my first rave, a way I found I could socialize with mostly loving and non-judgemental people. I've yet to find a social group that I feel I truly belong too, but even though a lot of these guys are misfits they at least accept me.
Edit: Oh, I'm the guy on the right.
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