Since thetans can assume beingnesses at will, I have decided to come here and post under a different screen name than I normally use in forums. I have no idea what my screen name means, it just is what it is.
The quick version of my story is this:
Many years back (in the 80's), my father got into Scientology while I was a child. It was his decision to explore it. He is the type of guy who must walk the road less traveled. If everyone is going down road 1, he'll take road 2. This permeates about every facet of his life. Additionally, he must be the greatest guy in the room. This also permeates his entire life. If you are in a position to "one up" him on a subject, he will (likely without even thinking - some demon circuit or something) try to say something to prove to you he did it better than you or will. If he knows he cannot trump you, he will avoid the subject on which he feels inferior.
I believe Scientology, for him, is that road less traveled. It makes him feel like he's got something the other homo saps don't have. A little secret that he can behold and use to hold his nose just a touch higher than everyone else's in the room.
Over the years, I've seen him grasp onto various works with relentless vigor, invalidating conflicting views in the interim, only to shortly after dissent from the work and grab something else. Kevin Trudeau's Natural Cures was one such thing. The Atkins diet was another. I've seen him jump ship from "truth" to "truth" too many times to count, each time with the resolve of one whose finally discovered the "truth".
But, he's grasped onto Scientology now for 25 years and is currently auditing OTVII.
I love my father for the man that he his. But I am also very observant and I see what I see.
Backing up a bit, naturally, as his child, I was introduced to Scientology. I have no major ruins that I am aware of. I didn't drag myself to the door after being run over by life - I was enrolled as a young child onto the "How to achieve effective communication course". It was a bright orange little book, mostly likely Div 6 stuff. I was likely 8 or so at the time.
Fast forward sometime, my mother is introduced into the church, grabs onto it too and eventually is trained into a class V auditor. She joins staff and audits for a few years. These few years were during my early teens. It was determined by her - I didn't really have a viewpoint either way - that her being on staff was REALLY screwing up her ability to effectively be a mom. During this period, I am told now, I was quite the asshole to most people I regarded. This was likely the normal teen hormone cycle that happens to puberty teens, but perhaps this lack of a mother did play a factor.
Long story short, she departed staff in violation of her contract and was loaded with freeloaders debt, despite the money she generated for the church using the training she was now responsible to pay for herself. She came back into being a regular mother and the rest is history as regards her involvement with Scientology. She hasn't been back since.
To this day, she states (in summary) that the training did FAR more for her than the auditing. Key to Life was a waste of time. The auditing that she did audit, did in fact produce some strange things. She has told me some of the stuff she's encountered (many years after the fact) with PCs, how they boiled off charge, came up the tone scale as per the tech, etc. She has some reality on her own past lives, being able to recount several facsimiles from them. She admits that they may be dub-in, but they are definitively there. She views the world, even today, largely as a result over her training - recognizing serfacs in people she is around, etc. Yet, she has remained a blown Scientologist for well over a decade now. She regards most of the tech as having worked or at least indifferently, yet has a made a decision to no longer be involved and I respect that.
Fast forward several years, my father is still gung ho about LRH and Scn. He remained a stuck clear for several years and is told that being a clear long term is a bad place to be. WHY THE HELL ARE WE CLEARING THE PLANET THEN?
Anyway, he finally decided to do the eligibilities, solo nots, and route onto OT1. During this time, the MAA and he decide that my mother is an anchor and is to be separated from. There was one minor adultery incident between he and another woman during this time, so the primary overt was his. He is now currently married to her. She is many many years his junior. This undoubtedly reinforces his desires to be the best one in the room. His wife is no challenge to him.
So, my parents divorced. My father moves out and engages upon the OT levels.
There isn't much to say beyond this point as regards their history except that from my viewpoint, he has been satisfied and a full on board Scientologist ever since. His young wife has managed to do TRs and Objectives only over the last 9 years of their relationship, while he has soared up the bridge.
Additionally, due to his wife's youth, she was ripe age for children. He, already having had 2 sons, didn't want to have more kids. He has successfully convinced her that in lieu of children, he will be able to give her her "eternity" instead. She was 26 at the time and is now 34 or 35. Prime time to have kids is OVER and to date, she has done NOTHING on her own bridge except TRs and Objectives.
OK - where do I fit in?
Scientology, while having produced a few new viewpoints within me, has never delivered anything to me even close to commensurate with the negativity I've experienced from them. My experience with the org, on the whole, has been being bombarded with promo down every comm line I have, despite having dealt with Addresso clerk after Addresso clerk about it. They tell me the problem is solved, yet it continues. I am not very high on the bridge at all - yet in the time I've been associated with it, I've seen enough that just doesn't add up to make me question the true motives of the place.
I did Student Hat some time ago. The biggest win was getting through the course. There is definitely some good stuff on the course, undoubtedly. However, I have concluded based on experience that if I applied all the tech to the letter, I'd never turn a single page of a book. Secondly, when on course, I will pass/fail "meter checks" completely independent of whether I have an MU. I've passed with with knowing MUs (that I was currently working through) and I've failed them, only to invent a "list" of words that I already know, despite looking for non existent MUs, just to satisfy the sup. I've F/Ned everything on an M4, only to fail a spot check on that same thing later on. I've flubbed M9s, only to be forced to find an MU which doesn't exist. I've determined the best way out of this pickle is to just pick an easy word so as not to get on a chain. So, in my direct observation, much of the study tech is bogus. Every time I fidget, I need to do demos right? C'mon!
I've done TRs and Objectives. The TRs were OK. The objectives did nothing for me. I was only 13 at the time, but looking back, I feel nothing of value from that course, though I attributed some successes in my life to it later on - rightly or wrongly, I do not know.
I did the PTS/SP course too. Despite my agreement with the basic premise, summarized as sticking to your own judgment, using your own counsel, not letting others hold you down, etc - much of what I read I disagreed with at the time and still disagree with. Primarily those HCOBs regarding one's opinion of Scientology directly. I never agreed with the illness = PTS idea, and frankly, the third party law, while I do see how it applies in some cases, CERTAINLY doesn't apply in all quarrels. Again, my biggest win on the course was just FINISHING IT.
I got married shortly after and embarked upon a 5 year absence from the org while I lived life. In recent times, my life allowed me the opportunity (sparing the boring details) to enroll onto the PRO-TRs course.
This brings me up to about 6 weeks ago. My first experience back in the org in some 5 years is to start a routing form at the receptionist's desk. If I recall, the first stop is to see the reg. So I saw the reg, the course was already paid for, etc. No big deal. However, it turns out that with the release of the basics, I must now read DMSMH as a prereq. I was ARC broken about this because I had told them about my coming for a couple months and was never told about this, despite my having begun that very extension course previously. The quickest way through, was to just agree to finish it there. So, the reg said I had to buy the "book" course for $50. Whatever, I paid the bucks and went to study.
At the end of the day, I went home and felt very bad about the whole thing. Bypassed charge perhaps. I WAS ALREADY ON THE EXTENSION COURSE AND IT WAS PAID FOR! Why did I just pay another $50 for nothing new?
So, I called the reg the next day and told him the deal and demanded the money be credited to my account, well aware that refunds are like pulling teeth around there. So, fine, it was supposedly done. I also said, that I am not going into the org to finish the course, but would just do it from home via the original extension course. This was met with some CI (counter intention), but all in all, a surmountable obstacle.
Three weeks went by and I worked on the course. However, as a side note just to put this into context, I was laid off from my job about a year prior to this and had just finished up a professional certification at school that I had worked on up to this point, full time. So, in the end, money was running tight. I had decided to do this course quickly in the interim right after finishing my cert and before starting a job, because a) the org is over an hour from my house, and b) I know once I get a job, doing it full time is out of the question.
So, this DMSMH course effectively extended my runway to completion by AT LEAST a week.
So, during this three week period, while working on this course, I am struggling internally with the idea of what is the most ethical decision. Do I do this course, despite the added length or do I just fuck it and go out and get a job to get some income coming in? I had basically decided to do the latter, but was struggling to come up with much anything. I did have one opportunity come up that was basically an on call type of job. In other words, I'd have to be available to accept the work on a fairly quick notice.
In the academy at the org, your schedule is HOLY. Having to CSW left and right for schedule changes and constantly deal with their CI on it effectively led me to the decision not to even worry about this course anymore. My wins in SCN to this point have been minor to nil, so the inherent self motivation is just not within me.
So, I take this job for a couple weeks, only to find that the work is just not steady. I spent most of my time without work. So, I reevaluated and decided to pull out of the job and do the course after all. Additionally, the main thing I had just completed my professional cert on is a highly seasonal industry and it was currently at the height of the busy season, so I figured no one would have the time to look at incoming resumes. So, this course became the best option to keep me busy and relatively "on purpose" long enough to bridge the gap from PT to when my industry would potentially begin to hire again.
So, I finished DMSMH and back in I went. A couple days before I went back in, I had written an e-mail to the reg explaining what had happened to me over the last several weeks since we'd last spoken, etc. I had mentioned a few other PTPs that were going on that I was working through.
Well, when I get back, short story shorter, they route me up to HGC to do a PC routing form, do OCA testing IQ testing, etc. I did it all - though was never shown the results. Shortly after, I was called into the D of P who explained to me that it was recommended that I do 2 intensives of "life repair" to handle my area before beginning the course.
Money being as tight as it was, I knew this wasn't even remotely an option. I said that to the D of P and was told that I could explain it all to the reg. So, I was routed back down to the reg. The hard selling wasn't that bad because I KNEW that I wasn't going to pay the money and he sensed that I wasn't going to budge an inch. I was showed the usual references about how the reason I am having problems is because I am not in session, etc. I was asked about my credit availability, etc. The answer remained a steadfast NO. Apparently, this life repair didn't affect my ability to go on course, so I went up on course and officially began the ProTRs. Full time.
I had a good go for about three weeks until I came across a passing reference to the term "between lives area". So, I looked it up and WHOA. Spinning circles of pictures, a moving chair, force fields and shit. WAY beyond my reality. But, OK. I went on and came across a passing mention of the Helatrobus civilization. Fine - I looked it up. We're talking alien civilizations here. This was my first exposure to this side of the thing - and these terms are not OTIII stuff. These terms are in the basic books (History of Man) and the regular tech dictionary.
This began my "WTF" is going on attitude. I discovered this board and have done a bunch of reading, completely against the will of the church and my better PTS/SP completion self. However, everything else in life, I research both sides of the thing. So, I went against the tech and it was been eye opening to me to see the other viewpoint. I haven't decided to agree either way just yet, but I do SEE the viewpoint.
But, I continued on course and came across a couple points in Dianetics 55. First of all, it states very conclusively that a single command "Be three feet back of your head" will instantly clear 50% of the people. A "one shot clear". This sounded great!!! But, why had I never heard of it? So, I raised my hand and asked the sup and was shown a reference where it states that the "one shot clear" is impossible. YOU JUST SAID IT WAS POSSIBLE IN THIS BOOK AND HAD BEEN CONCLUSIVE. Data evaluation teaches that when two datums clash, at least one is false. Which one is false? Either way leads to no good. Either a), the one shot clear is possible, but was later determined to not make enough money and so was abandoned or b) he said something in the book that was untested and apparently untrue and held it out as truth.
Then, a few pages later, I came across a description of the abilities of a Clear. A clear would be able to leave his body at home, go the library sans body, and read the periodicals on the table, recall the personality of the librarian, etc. I KNOW DAMN WELL that my OTVII father cannot read the book on my desk without using his eyes. This must be yet another lie. I do not see this as being true.
My basic lack of wins, my VERY smart mother pulling out, my OTVII dad who is a great guy, but basically just a regular dude. I see nothing worth envying within him and no greater abilities than other generally capable people, the other OTs that I've observed, the stat driving madness, the hard sell reging, the relentless mail promos, emails, phone calls, are enough to make most people question it. But I continued. Until I ran across this blatantly FALSE stuff in there recently REreleased again (to sell more) basics books. If these things are false, what else is false?
So, as it stands, I am currently still (yes, I am going in tomorrow) working on the PROTRs course full time. I am just about to finish the theory before going into the clay table processing and the ultimate TRs.
After reading some of what I've read, my ARC for the church has dropped very much. The viewpoint makes A LOT of sense. I am not being third partied and am not PTS, I am merely using my own awareness and perception to see what I see and I find myself quite confused right now.
The easiest thing to do is to just continue with this course until its done. It'll make my dad suspect little, it'll be off my plate (end of cycle) and I can gracefully bow out for a while, while I figure out more about this. Or I can just leave NOW, blow the course, and deal with my dad's crap about it, be flooded (comm lines) about it, etc.
So that is where I stand with SCN at the moment.
The quick version of my story is this:
Many years back (in the 80's), my father got into Scientology while I was a child. It was his decision to explore it. He is the type of guy who must walk the road less traveled. If everyone is going down road 1, he'll take road 2. This permeates about every facet of his life. Additionally, he must be the greatest guy in the room. This also permeates his entire life. If you are in a position to "one up" him on a subject, he will (likely without even thinking - some demon circuit or something) try to say something to prove to you he did it better than you or will. If he knows he cannot trump you, he will avoid the subject on which he feels inferior.
I believe Scientology, for him, is that road less traveled. It makes him feel like he's got something the other homo saps don't have. A little secret that he can behold and use to hold his nose just a touch higher than everyone else's in the room.
Over the years, I've seen him grasp onto various works with relentless vigor, invalidating conflicting views in the interim, only to shortly after dissent from the work and grab something else. Kevin Trudeau's Natural Cures was one such thing. The Atkins diet was another. I've seen him jump ship from "truth" to "truth" too many times to count, each time with the resolve of one whose finally discovered the "truth".
But, he's grasped onto Scientology now for 25 years and is currently auditing OTVII.
I love my father for the man that he his. But I am also very observant and I see what I see.
Backing up a bit, naturally, as his child, I was introduced to Scientology. I have no major ruins that I am aware of. I didn't drag myself to the door after being run over by life - I was enrolled as a young child onto the "How to achieve effective communication course". It was a bright orange little book, mostly likely Div 6 stuff. I was likely 8 or so at the time.
Fast forward sometime, my mother is introduced into the church, grabs onto it too and eventually is trained into a class V auditor. She joins staff and audits for a few years. These few years were during my early teens. It was determined by her - I didn't really have a viewpoint either way - that her being on staff was REALLY screwing up her ability to effectively be a mom. During this period, I am told now, I was quite the asshole to most people I regarded. This was likely the normal teen hormone cycle that happens to puberty teens, but perhaps this lack of a mother did play a factor.
Long story short, she departed staff in violation of her contract and was loaded with freeloaders debt, despite the money she generated for the church using the training she was now responsible to pay for herself. She came back into being a regular mother and the rest is history as regards her involvement with Scientology. She hasn't been back since.
To this day, she states (in summary) that the training did FAR more for her than the auditing. Key to Life was a waste of time. The auditing that she did audit, did in fact produce some strange things. She has told me some of the stuff she's encountered (many years after the fact) with PCs, how they boiled off charge, came up the tone scale as per the tech, etc. She has some reality on her own past lives, being able to recount several facsimiles from them. She admits that they may be dub-in, but they are definitively there. She views the world, even today, largely as a result over her training - recognizing serfacs in people she is around, etc. Yet, she has remained a blown Scientologist for well over a decade now. She regards most of the tech as having worked or at least indifferently, yet has a made a decision to no longer be involved and I respect that.
Fast forward several years, my father is still gung ho about LRH and Scn. He remained a stuck clear for several years and is told that being a clear long term is a bad place to be. WHY THE HELL ARE WE CLEARING THE PLANET THEN?
Anyway, he finally decided to do the eligibilities, solo nots, and route onto OT1. During this time, the MAA and he decide that my mother is an anchor and is to be separated from. There was one minor adultery incident between he and another woman during this time, so the primary overt was his. He is now currently married to her. She is many many years his junior. This undoubtedly reinforces his desires to be the best one in the room. His wife is no challenge to him.
So, my parents divorced. My father moves out and engages upon the OT levels.
There isn't much to say beyond this point as regards their history except that from my viewpoint, he has been satisfied and a full on board Scientologist ever since. His young wife has managed to do TRs and Objectives only over the last 9 years of their relationship, while he has soared up the bridge.
Additionally, due to his wife's youth, she was ripe age for children. He, already having had 2 sons, didn't want to have more kids. He has successfully convinced her that in lieu of children, he will be able to give her her "eternity" instead. She was 26 at the time and is now 34 or 35. Prime time to have kids is OVER and to date, she has done NOTHING on her own bridge except TRs and Objectives.
OK - where do I fit in?
Scientology, while having produced a few new viewpoints within me, has never delivered anything to me even close to commensurate with the negativity I've experienced from them. My experience with the org, on the whole, has been being bombarded with promo down every comm line I have, despite having dealt with Addresso clerk after Addresso clerk about it. They tell me the problem is solved, yet it continues. I am not very high on the bridge at all - yet in the time I've been associated with it, I've seen enough that just doesn't add up to make me question the true motives of the place.
I did Student Hat some time ago. The biggest win was getting through the course. There is definitely some good stuff on the course, undoubtedly. However, I have concluded based on experience that if I applied all the tech to the letter, I'd never turn a single page of a book. Secondly, when on course, I will pass/fail "meter checks" completely independent of whether I have an MU. I've passed with with knowing MUs (that I was currently working through) and I've failed them, only to invent a "list" of words that I already know, despite looking for non existent MUs, just to satisfy the sup. I've F/Ned everything on an M4, only to fail a spot check on that same thing later on. I've flubbed M9s, only to be forced to find an MU which doesn't exist. I've determined the best way out of this pickle is to just pick an easy word so as not to get on a chain. So, in my direct observation, much of the study tech is bogus. Every time I fidget, I need to do demos right? C'mon!
I've done TRs and Objectives. The TRs were OK. The objectives did nothing for me. I was only 13 at the time, but looking back, I feel nothing of value from that course, though I attributed some successes in my life to it later on - rightly or wrongly, I do not know.
I did the PTS/SP course too. Despite my agreement with the basic premise, summarized as sticking to your own judgment, using your own counsel, not letting others hold you down, etc - much of what I read I disagreed with at the time and still disagree with. Primarily those HCOBs regarding one's opinion of Scientology directly. I never agreed with the illness = PTS idea, and frankly, the third party law, while I do see how it applies in some cases, CERTAINLY doesn't apply in all quarrels. Again, my biggest win on the course was just FINISHING IT.
I got married shortly after and embarked upon a 5 year absence from the org while I lived life. In recent times, my life allowed me the opportunity (sparing the boring details) to enroll onto the PRO-TRs course.
This brings me up to about 6 weeks ago. My first experience back in the org in some 5 years is to start a routing form at the receptionist's desk. If I recall, the first stop is to see the reg. So I saw the reg, the course was already paid for, etc. No big deal. However, it turns out that with the release of the basics, I must now read DMSMH as a prereq. I was ARC broken about this because I had told them about my coming for a couple months and was never told about this, despite my having begun that very extension course previously. The quickest way through, was to just agree to finish it there. So, the reg said I had to buy the "book" course for $50. Whatever, I paid the bucks and went to study.
At the end of the day, I went home and felt very bad about the whole thing. Bypassed charge perhaps. I WAS ALREADY ON THE EXTENSION COURSE AND IT WAS PAID FOR! Why did I just pay another $50 for nothing new?
So, I called the reg the next day and told him the deal and demanded the money be credited to my account, well aware that refunds are like pulling teeth around there. So, fine, it was supposedly done. I also said, that I am not going into the org to finish the course, but would just do it from home via the original extension course. This was met with some CI (counter intention), but all in all, a surmountable obstacle.
Three weeks went by and I worked on the course. However, as a side note just to put this into context, I was laid off from my job about a year prior to this and had just finished up a professional certification at school that I had worked on up to this point, full time. So, in the end, money was running tight. I had decided to do this course quickly in the interim right after finishing my cert and before starting a job, because a) the org is over an hour from my house, and b) I know once I get a job, doing it full time is out of the question.
So, this DMSMH course effectively extended my runway to completion by AT LEAST a week.
So, during this three week period, while working on this course, I am struggling internally with the idea of what is the most ethical decision. Do I do this course, despite the added length or do I just fuck it and go out and get a job to get some income coming in? I had basically decided to do the latter, but was struggling to come up with much anything. I did have one opportunity come up that was basically an on call type of job. In other words, I'd have to be available to accept the work on a fairly quick notice.
In the academy at the org, your schedule is HOLY. Having to CSW left and right for schedule changes and constantly deal with their CI on it effectively led me to the decision not to even worry about this course anymore. My wins in SCN to this point have been minor to nil, so the inherent self motivation is just not within me.
So, I take this job for a couple weeks, only to find that the work is just not steady. I spent most of my time without work. So, I reevaluated and decided to pull out of the job and do the course after all. Additionally, the main thing I had just completed my professional cert on is a highly seasonal industry and it was currently at the height of the busy season, so I figured no one would have the time to look at incoming resumes. So, this course became the best option to keep me busy and relatively "on purpose" long enough to bridge the gap from PT to when my industry would potentially begin to hire again.
So, I finished DMSMH and back in I went. A couple days before I went back in, I had written an e-mail to the reg explaining what had happened to me over the last several weeks since we'd last spoken, etc. I had mentioned a few other PTPs that were going on that I was working through.
Well, when I get back, short story shorter, they route me up to HGC to do a PC routing form, do OCA testing IQ testing, etc. I did it all - though was never shown the results. Shortly after, I was called into the D of P who explained to me that it was recommended that I do 2 intensives of "life repair" to handle my area before beginning the course.
Money being as tight as it was, I knew this wasn't even remotely an option. I said that to the D of P and was told that I could explain it all to the reg. So, I was routed back down to the reg. The hard selling wasn't that bad because I KNEW that I wasn't going to pay the money and he sensed that I wasn't going to budge an inch. I was showed the usual references about how the reason I am having problems is because I am not in session, etc. I was asked about my credit availability, etc. The answer remained a steadfast NO. Apparently, this life repair didn't affect my ability to go on course, so I went up on course and officially began the ProTRs. Full time.
I had a good go for about three weeks until I came across a passing reference to the term "between lives area". So, I looked it up and WHOA. Spinning circles of pictures, a moving chair, force fields and shit. WAY beyond my reality. But, OK. I went on and came across a passing mention of the Helatrobus civilization. Fine - I looked it up. We're talking alien civilizations here. This was my first exposure to this side of the thing - and these terms are not OTIII stuff. These terms are in the basic books (History of Man) and the regular tech dictionary.
This began my "WTF" is going on attitude. I discovered this board and have done a bunch of reading, completely against the will of the church and my better PTS/SP completion self. However, everything else in life, I research both sides of the thing. So, I went against the tech and it was been eye opening to me to see the other viewpoint. I haven't decided to agree either way just yet, but I do SEE the viewpoint.
But, I continued on course and came across a couple points in Dianetics 55. First of all, it states very conclusively that a single command "Be three feet back of your head" will instantly clear 50% of the people. A "one shot clear". This sounded great!!! But, why had I never heard of it? So, I raised my hand and asked the sup and was shown a reference where it states that the "one shot clear" is impossible. YOU JUST SAID IT WAS POSSIBLE IN THIS BOOK AND HAD BEEN CONCLUSIVE. Data evaluation teaches that when two datums clash, at least one is false. Which one is false? Either way leads to no good. Either a), the one shot clear is possible, but was later determined to not make enough money and so was abandoned or b) he said something in the book that was untested and apparently untrue and held it out as truth.
Then, a few pages later, I came across a description of the abilities of a Clear. A clear would be able to leave his body at home, go the library sans body, and read the periodicals on the table, recall the personality of the librarian, etc. I KNOW DAMN WELL that my OTVII father cannot read the book on my desk without using his eyes. This must be yet another lie. I do not see this as being true.
My basic lack of wins, my VERY smart mother pulling out, my OTVII dad who is a great guy, but basically just a regular dude. I see nothing worth envying within him and no greater abilities than other generally capable people, the other OTs that I've observed, the stat driving madness, the hard sell reging, the relentless mail promos, emails, phone calls, are enough to make most people question it. But I continued. Until I ran across this blatantly FALSE stuff in there recently REreleased again (to sell more) basics books. If these things are false, what else is false?
So, as it stands, I am currently still (yes, I am going in tomorrow) working on the PROTRs course full time. I am just about to finish the theory before going into the clay table processing and the ultimate TRs.
After reading some of what I've read, my ARC for the church has dropped very much. The viewpoint makes A LOT of sense. I am not being third partied and am not PTS, I am merely using my own awareness and perception to see what I see and I find myself quite confused right now.
The easiest thing to do is to just continue with this course until its done. It'll make my dad suspect little, it'll be off my plate (end of cycle) and I can gracefully bow out for a while, while I figure out more about this. Or I can just leave NOW, blow the course, and deal with my dad's crap about it, be flooded (comm lines) about it, etc.
So that is where I stand with SCN at the moment.
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