Hi Folks on ESMB

Dark Phoenix

Patron Meritorious
Welcome Dark Phoenix! I like so much of what you have said already. I love it that there are so many cat avatars. And I am going to grow old as one of those old ladies with too many cats but I am currently living with only 2(but they are so sentient).

It has been interesting to read what you were saying about the staff being so creepy. (and what others have said about it). Are you sensitive to people's energies? It took me years away from $cn to acknowledge how much I could sense about a person just by perceiving their energy. Creepy seems to be the quickest one can perceive among the bad energies. I am glad it helped you stay away from the church. My first encounter with a scilon was a very charismatic fellow college student.................boy did I get sucked in, and thought that orgs would be filled with people like him.

I look forward to what you have to say.

Thanks for the welcome BlackCT!

What I can offer on the subject of being sensitive to people's energy is really just my own interpretation of how this applies to me personally. It's just my own attempt to make sense of what this means for me and not in any way a metaphysical analysis of the phenomenon.

Firstly, where you say 'sensitive to people's energy', I would say 'sensitive to peoples behavior'. The information we're receiving about a given individual is via the observable behavior and disposition. I think some of this might happen at an unconscious level and this may be why we say that we 'sense' a particular thing about a person, a something we can't quite put our finger on, if you will.

I've come to believe that hyper sensitivity is at least partially an innate in that the predisposition is already there, and when such an individual finds themselves in a certain situation, this innate sensitivity gets triggered. So this led me to look at it in terms of what it's survival value could be. Sure enough, growing up in a household where an alcoholic father might explode into anger at any given moment, and where a manipulative, passive agressive mother had a tendancy to use her children as either scapegoats or allies in whatever tactic took her fancy to 'get one up' on her abusive husband, I could see the survival value in an ability to be finely tuned to every nuance, however slight and obscure, of the behavior of my parents. That way I could be more prepared to strategise my escape or my defense or whatever was most fitting for situation. My ability to detect a near neglible change in a persons mood was the work of this survival dependant to all and any behavioral cues.

However, when this gets carried into adulthood, it doesn't always work to ones advantage. You may find yourself in an environment that does demand such sensitivity but it persists all the same. You may find yourself constantly reacting to everything that goes on around you, a human sponge soaking up way more than is necessary. This can become extremely draining.

No doubt there are people who are similarly senstive to others and it was wasn't the result of surviving the trials of an abusive household.
But, like I said at the begining of this post, this is how it makes sense to me.
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Dark Phoenix

Patron Meritorious
Dark Phoenix, I found your story not only moving, brave, honest and forthright, but also important.

I also identify with your story. I, too, suffered earlier abuse (albeit of a different kind) or... deprivation, did volunteer work, and thought Scientology offered something that addressed my needs.

In my experience a lot of otherwise smart and intelligent people get drawn into Scientology because they are emotionally vulnerable and needy. People who were "uneasy," and who had COS conduct "set bells ringing in [their] head," but nonetheless got involved, and indeed deeper involved, because the COS provided a sense of being appreciated, of being needed, of having a purpose, of for once, finally, belonging to something. Xenu knows that is why I got involved, and stayed involved, off and on, for so many years.

I was lonely.

In the past here I have used the word "weak," to my sometimes regret. But I don't use the term "weak" as a pejorative or to be judgmental, but merely to be descriptive. In the same way one might say a steel girder in a bridge failed because it was "weak." You don't "blame" the girder, you simply recognize it for what it is. (I guess a Scientologist would say you "as is" it.) I've accurately described myself as having been "weak" in precisely the same way. I was lonely, weak and needy. There, I said it.

Being at the Org was better than being in my apartment alone, again, after a long, hard day of work.

Finally, I'll note that there is a lot of scientific literature and evidence to the effect that someone who was victimized at a young age, as you were by your father, and I was albeit in a different way, is unfortunately a "perfect victim" for the future. I saw it all of the time when I was in Scientology. I also saw it all of the time when I was the first male volunteer at my local shelter for battered women.

The difference between the shelter for battered women and the COS was, of course, this. At the battered woman's shelter we would see a woman who had been victimized (typically molested) when she was a child who was re-victimized (that is, had the crap kicked out of her) by a perceptive predator when she got older. We would try to help her not repeat the patter. (Actually, my job was to play with the kids and provide at least one male role model who wasn't a monster.)

At the COS we would see a person who had been victimized (typically deprived emotionally in some way) when she was younger and, being perceptive predators who had been taught and drilled to "find the ruin," we would re-victimize that person to the greatest extent possible -- drain her bank accounts, have her mortgage her home, load up her credit cards and then, if at all possible, Ron be praised, have her sign a billion year contract.

And then we would be proud of ourselves because our stats were up.

Thanks for sharing this Kha Khan. You've put across a great deal of courage and humility here.

The human condition is rife with finding ourselves in some situation, at one time or other, where we tolerate the bad as a means to holding on to the good. Responsibilty for ourselves certainly has it's own proper place but we also need to allow ourselves some consideration too; we're all just trying to survive.

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Dark Phoenix

Patron Meritorious
FWIW, I agree. If you consider the history of Dianetics and Scientology, in the early days they attracted a lot of otherwise healthy, well-adjusted, educated and successful people -- college educated, professionals, some doctors, lawyers, etc. As time passed... not so much.

As a practical matter, the target audience, particularly for staff, historically moved from "making the able more able" to find a needy, damaged person, "find the ruin," and then get him to cough up money to cure the ruin, and/or sign him up for staff. Seriously, what other enterprise do you know of where recruitment is based on "find the ruin?"

I would like to add another factor. I do so with some trepidation, but in my experience this factor has a major, albeit often unexplored, impact on behavior, social relations and recruitment in Scientology.

That factor is sex.

From your avatar you appear to be a physically attractive female. Now in my experience as a man, the presence of physically attractive females can discombobulate even healthy, well-adjusted men. That is the nature of the beast.

But in Scientology? Forget about it. "Discombobulate" doesn't even begin to describe the effect.

In my experience Scientologists are just horribly screwed up in the area of sex and sexual or (hopefully) romantic relationships. The Sea Org 2D rules. The Class V Org 2D rules. The 2D rules that technically don't apply to non-staff public, but do apply if one ever wants to do OT levels without a billion humiliating sec checks, or if an "up-stat" gets upset because you broke up with her and writes a KR on you. [Not that there is any sort of story behind that.] No masturbation. Dear Xenu, have you ever read the "Pain and Sex" HCOB? If that doesn't screw a person up, they weren't human to begin with.

And can you imagine, as in one case I am aware of, being required to read the "Pain and Sex" HCOB when you are 14 a year old male?

Then you throw a physically attractive female into the equation? Again, forget about it. A perfect recipe or ill-disguised and ill-suppressed frustration and dysfunction.

Given the fact that they were dysfunctional to begin with (they were, after all, Scientologists), no wonder they had a difficult time talking with you.

Final story. I once made the mistake of showing a female friend of mine, a woman on OT VII, a passage in one of Ron's Mission Earth books that disparaged oral sex. You guessed it, thereafter her husband wasn't getting any. Hopefully he never learned that I was the person he had to thank.

But seriously, one's sex life with one's husband is limited and defined not by what is in the red-on-whites or the green-on-whites, but by the passage in a novel?

Interesting post, Kha Khan.

There doesn't seem to be any natural instinct to escape some level of Scientological subversion. It's quite frankly anti-human.
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Hey DP, after our "chat" I went back to re-read your intro, and have now realised that I didn't say g'day here! :ohmy:

Me bad, but it wasn't really my fault! :no: I think it was Zinj, and GoodTwin and Alanzo bein' distractin', making me laugh, and putting me into "being entertained" mode, that made me lose my place. :whistling: They do that often! :coolwink:

Anyways, bloody glad to meet ya and to have you here, girl! :thumbsup: Welcome! :D

Dark Phoenix

Patron Meritorious
Hey DP, after our "chat" I went back to re-read your intro, and have now realised that I didn't say g'day here! :ohmy:

Me bad, but it wasn't really my fault! :no: I think it was Zinj, and GoodTwin and Alanzo bein' distractin', making me laugh, and putting me into "being entertained" mode, that made me lose my place. :whistling: They do that often! :coolwink:

Anyways, bloody glad to meet ya and to have you here, girl! :thumbsup: Welcome! :D

No worries Carmel, thanks for the greeting!:thumbsup:
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Tiger Lily

Gold Meritorious Patron
Hi Dark Phoenix,

Love your S/N :)

Sorry for the belated welcome -- Summer's busier for me and I got into a mode of just watching the threads I was already on and missed your intro.

I remember having the same thoughts about people on staff being a little "off" but justified it quickly by deciding that they were the "elite" of the planet and I just wasn't on their wavelength yet.

I sure do understand that desire to belong somewhere.

It's great to have you here!