i am not a scientologist.

VaD

Gold Meritorious Patron
I had been wearing this identity "I'm a Scientologist" for too long.
Now I simply say, I am NOT a Scientologist".

Not that I'm an Independent Scientologist, not that I'm a FreeZoner (to me being a Free "Zoner* is just the same oxymoron as "Independent Scientologist" because how can one be FREE in the *zone*? :duh:)

To me now having been in Scientology is like having been at school. I was there, I learned there, I left there.
I still know, am friendly and can and communicate/deal with my classmates (they are not "ex" to me). I don't need to argue with them. They are what they are. I am what I am. Each one of us can have a life he wants.

Little of my life story:
Read Dianetics in August 1993.
Joined S.O. in Moscow (Walter Cotric was CO) almost immediately after being offered in March 1994.
In SO in Moscow worked in New Era and then (having redone EPF in 1995) worked as a Qual Word Clearer/FDSer (my favorites job there, BTW)
In 1997 was selected with another SO Member and sent to USA (LA) to get trained for SuperPower. There it turned out that the intenton was to get more people to Gold (we got confused as it was quite opposite to our intention "to get trained and get back to Russia to audit staff SuperPower", as we were told by then CO Richard Fear and his Deputy Zee Fear).
In Sept 1997 I went to Flag where got some training and sec checks... They turned me down ("not qualified"). There I was under Gold office FLB (William Tucker was D/CO I). In January 1998 they returned me to LA.

(Sorry, I'm using too much of Passive Voice... Well, that's how it's in S.O.... You are passive, "they" are active)

On January 16, 1998, I landed in Gold Office WUS, under Joanne..(? - forgot last name).
Then (couple months later) went to MEAM (Metroplitan Equipment Acquisition Mission - group set up in LA by LRH to acquire stuff for Gold/Int). There I worked until January 2003. Then decks (out-2D). Then Comm Ev. Then PAC RPF (from March 2003). Then RPF's RPF (August). Offloaded and sent back to Moscow on September 11, 2003.
That was the end of my Sea Org career (but as usually with a program to return. via PRF... being OTIII and Class IV).


Sorry, hard to write all-in-one. Will return with more of "how it was" vs. "how it is".
Please do comment. I like this wonderful community.

To underline again: i'm not a scientologist.
 

GreyWolf

Gold Meritorious Patron
Thanks for the general write-up. It helps us to know you better. Write full story as you can and I will certainly read it.
 

VaD

Gold Meritorious Patron
Re: My family
In September 2002 my mother died. I found that out 3 days later. I was in LA, working my ass off for Gold, and somehow nobody could relay me the message.
I didn't even see my mother since 1997 (after I left for USA). AND - don't get me wrong. I LOVE my mother. (And i don't mean "loved"). And I tried to get LOA to go home(BEFORE that - many times). But NO! "You have to do sec check!" (and... "there's no auditor who can do it for you now").
When I came back home (being offloaded from S.O.) in September 2003, several days later (on 21st) my brother died. My ONLY brother.

I'm not sure you understand what my condition was. I was totaly ruined. And I don't mean that it was a "ruin" found by $cientology.

But, No! I thought that it was a Scientology to be addressed there as an answer. I decided at the time to "flourish and prosper" and make money to "return my freeloader debt" and do everything to get back into good standing (like do conditions and so on) which meant "do conditions to S.O. from below Liabilty). How stupid is that????

Side note:
NONE of my family members or relatives or classmates or friends (from before $cn) have been scientologists and haven't been interested in it. I was a black sheep. Nevertheless, none of them was challenging me for being one.
It was only me who was full of anticipations that they would. And *I* was the one who was thinking of strategies and tactics of "how to befriend again".
 

VaD

Gold Meritorious Patron
Thanks for the general write-up. It helps us to know you better. Write full story as you can and I will certainly read it.

I won't be able to write a "full story". I'm not a writer and I won't be one.
All I'm capable of is to speak my mind.
 

VaD

Gold Meritorious Patron
Those later years (from September 2003 and up until Febuary this year) I had been "a Scientologist"... What it meant to me it was that "Scientology is the only answer".

Now, having gone through a number of stages/phases of leaving Scientology, I have finally come to a "feeling" (seems to me that there is no word I can say here that would be correct. "Feeling' which is closest to my meaning) that i am not a scientologist.

Such "feeling" gets me BEYOND any realm any scientologist can ever experience. I'm as relaxed as never before (in and with $cientology).

Couple days ago I mentioned about "the dude" (from "the Big Lebowski"). That's how I feel - about $cn and all the hustle around it.

P.S. I believe that it was "ethics tech" that got me ever rationalizing, so I was correspondent to what LRH had said. Now I say loudly and proudly FUCK his "ETHICS TECH"
 

VaD

Gold Meritorious Patron
There were some arguments between me and some other posters about my earlier posts and phrases like:
"I'm NOT a victim", or
"I AM responsible".

Well, it might sound like that from LRH... I'm sorry if it sounds so. The thing is that I'm not using *his* words. They don't belong to *him*. And never belonged.
I use the words that I know.

And when I say "i am not a scientologist" I give *my* idea, not his words.

I'm NOT a victim!
I AM responsible for what has happened to me!
And - I'm NOT a Scientologist.

Those three go together (I'm not even an "EX-...").

I've been there, done that.... It's GONE!

My life isn't connected to "Scientology", my being "for" or "against" it.
My life is MINE!
FULLY, COMPLETELY and TOTALLY!


Hint:
You are what you want to be.
To be ____ or not to be ____ is YOUR choice.
 

R6Basic

Patron Meritorious
Vadim, I am really glad you found your way out of Scn. and found this board. I like your view points and knowing some of your back story helps.
 

Mystic

Crusader
MeGawhd, Vadim, I think your English writing is most excellent. I've always been impressed with how intelligent the Russians are ever since I was introduced to Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky back when I was just a kid in Texas. The only Russian author I've ever read was Елена Петровна Блаватская, Helena P. Blavatsky. I read her Isis Unveiled and Secret Doctrine back in the early '90s. Man could she ever write in English! Throughout her writings every now and then she would apologize for her lack of skills in the English language, and there I was in awe at her writing skills. Very humble lady.
 

VaD

Gold Meritorious Patron
I want to explain here what I meant by OUT.

When joined in 1994, I saw this group as quite MORAL (it's in my "Life History of 1994 when I joined).
And it's good to be among *moral* staff member and public. And be yourself moral among others like you.

LRH well desribed difference between being morals and ethics.

What do we have common among Scientologists and independents and Freezoners? - Being MORAL. Morals.

All Scientology *Ethics* is BS!

That's what I mean by being OUT.
I don't want morals being represented as ethics (but that is STRAIGHT out of LRH's writings - initially he proclaims that he *finally* separated ethics from *morals* but just after few days his *ethics* is the worse than any *morals* had been anywhere before - like chainlockers, deprivations of sleep, and so on).

There's no Scientology that can repair that. Hubbard didn't live up to his own expectations (as he has given himself in his affirmations). He was "moral" (in front of others) but NOT "ethical" (with himself and his own family)...

Therefore, I'm OUT.

I'm not *for* those who believe his BS. I'm not *against* them.
Everyone has his own right to accept or reject.

Re: talking to dedicated Scientologists.
I found it useless (except seeding the plant into their blinded heads that "Maybe Scientology is not the ONLY answer?").
At this point I DON'T want to help them (only children if so).
In fact, I don't want to help anyone.
All I want is that people see the world in front of their eyes WITHOUT ideas of Scientology (like I'd been seeing thoughout this long period).

Again, I thank you this great community which can understand me more than anyone in Scientology.

P.S. My thoughts are not well-equiped with good grammar. If there are people who need clarifications, please ask. I don't insist that "what I said, you have to digest'. I'm willing to clarify anything you don't understand.
I would be as happy as any other if my thoughts were magically converted into the best statements. It just hasn't happened. And I try to do better. I learn.
 

VaD

Gold Meritorious Patron
MeGawhd, Vadim, I think your English writing is most excellent. I've always been impressed with how intelligent the Russians are ever since I was introduced to Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky back when I was just a kid in Texas. The only Russian author I've ever read was Елена Петровна Блаватская, Helena P. Blavatsky. I read her Isis Unveiled and Secret Doctrine back in the early '90s. Man could she ever write in English! Throughout her writings every now and then she would apologize for her lack of skills in the English language, and there I was in awe at her writing skills. Very humble lady.

Mystic, I look at every comment of yours as something very valuable.
This one I take as a VERY VALUABLE COMPLIMENT!!!
 

Nicole

Silver Meritorious Patron
Vadim, you wrote, that you are not a writer. But you are one. You write, and write, and write.... Writing can free ......
I am having only a few from outside, but I see how you awake and how you grow. It is good to see this. Go on.:clap:
 

VaD

Gold Meritorious Patron
Vadim, you wrote, that you are not a writer. But you are one. You write, and write, and write.... Writing can free ......
I am having only a few from outside, but I see how you awake and how you grow. It is good to see this. Go on.:clap:

I wrote quite many things to myself. I was not comfortable to share them with others.
When you ask me do that, I become uncomfortable. It's like "I'm not Pushkin! What more can I say?""

But, thank you, sauerlaenderin for helping me speak freely!

I DO need that! I DO want that!
 

VaD

Gold Meritorious Patron
continue..

It's been too hard for me to explain how "I'm a Scientologist"....
Now it's hard for me to explain how am not.

I can explain it through experiences, through feelings but it's very hard to explain it through words. I can explain it through "it's like..."

It's like you see what you see (and there is nothing between you and it),
It's like you make love and FEEL there will be nothing to you for that,
It' like you don't practice any practices and just enjoy having it this way,
It's like you are the one with those you deal with,
It's like there's nothing between you and anybody else (meaning NOTHING, not even this),
It's like you can take it all the way,
It's like there's NOTHING there - between you and this world.

It's like you are YOU (and quite sufficient without anything attached)
It's like you CAN what you want and are never upset about the fact that somebody else did better than you (source of competition)

That's what I feel. :omg:
 

VaD

Gold Meritorious Patron
Oops, sorry!

It seems I've described you myself. WITH my feelings.

There are YOUR points and there are MY points.

"It's like..." was my personal. Not yours. You've got to see for yourself!
 

AnonyMary

Formerly Fooled - Finally Free
It doesn't make sense but - i'm NOT a scientologist.

Oh. it makes perfect sense! This thread and all your posts are thoughtful and well stated. Your anguish about your inability to be with your mother because of LRH's 'ethics' is so understandable and certainly a natural reponse. There will be some who know this more acutely from similar experiences, like Marcus concerning his brother. One cannot know the depth of pain in situations where the connection was stopped intentionally and covertly. I pray you will find more peace as you go along on this new adventure as a non-scientologist! Your delight in being free is delightful!
 

Mest Lover

Not Sea Org Qualified
The Sea Org Lies.
The people that send you there lie to get you there.

When they control you they lie to you in order to keep you there.

Hidden nameline: The Sea Disorganization.

I thought I might at least get to sail again, it runs in my family on both sides. Fat chance! Never held the main sheet once!

I bet if I asked anyone of my "crew members" what a Tiller, Heading up or down, Jibing et al was they would have had no clue.
 

Nicole

Silver Meritorious Patron
I think writing is your way, to go around with your past and your time were you was a Scientologist. Now you are not a Scientoligist. You must not tell the public everything what happen, maybe a diary helps. In a few days, years, month,... you can read again your thoughts and see how your live changed to anything better.

Maybe you should think about it, what it means not beeing a Scientologist. I mean how should your life be in 1 month or maybe in 10 years. You are having now the chance to create your life.

The board does help you, but sometimes is it usefull to talk with a real person. I don't know if you are having a friend, maybe one of your old friends. In Germany (in Russia?) exist advice centers they are specialist on sects. Maybe you can go there and talk with people.

But you are now free and I am sure you will find your way to get lucky.:yes:
 
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