I'm having a difficult time adjusting, although it's already been a year since I quit working for the Church of Scientology. Things that happen to me now- arguments, bad news, random waves of depression- are now all experienced differently. Usually on top of whatever thing that is happening, my first thought will flash into my head, and the second is always "I never would have thought that as a Scientologist," followed by "I feel so socially incompetent right now," followed by some grief, and then anger, and then a really good feeling hits - that all of those thoughts and emotions are MINE, and no one else's, and although things hurt at the moment, I can make them okay again. I'm not as stuck anymore.
Last night I got into an argument with a longtime friend and roommate of mine. We typically have little tiffs over things like how often we hang out, how when we do hang out we never actually do anything, etc. Last night we got into it again, but something happened with me: I could NOT hide my anger with her. I could NOT pretend like everything was OK. I could NOT "Keep my TRs in." I was provoked, and I just LET IT HAPPEN.
I COULD control what I was saying and was able to express myself without slinging every slur and accusation I was thinking at her. I could NOT stop from raising my voice or crying.
Most of the crying came from realizing I felt like she was attacking me when she merely tried bringing up an issue. This is something that goes back to being a child and a teenager - my parents never asked me to change something or do something differently - I was ALWAYS attacked, whether it be an ass-beating, a slap across the hand, or a bout of screaming at me while I just sat there and took it. The feeling of being attacked when criticized was something that was deeply ingrained already, but then backed up and solidified in me as a Scientologist. My thought process was "I'm a Scientologist and am trying to improve my life and the lives of others to save this God-forsaken place." If anyone criticized me for my involvement, or told me I had vanished from their lives because of it, or I didn't keep up my end of a bargain because I was too busy on post, I interpreted it as a direct attack on me, and a direct attack on Scientology. Therefore, they were wrong, I was right, and I didn't waste my time on those who criticized me.
Regarding my friend and I, I think it just comes down to the fact that we both have issues of our own, some that make us both very hard to be friends with at points. She is afraid to bring up issues because I get upset and take it as an attack, or I shut down and don't talk about things. She is insecure and tests me, and tends to assume the worst in me, no matter how much effort I put into trying to fix it. And sometimes we just have miscommunications- our inner demons interpreting what the other has said for us.
It's all very fascinating, the stuff of communication. And it's all very fascinating, knowing I will never not have any personal demons. I can tame them, or handle them, or nurture them, or ignore them - or not. I won't ever be pretending that they have been audited away. I won't ever pretend that a demon that has been handled can't come back.
I am a WOG. I am a real life, breathing, shitting, eating, blinking, fucking human being. And despite the uncontrollable emotions, traumas that have scarred me, weird things my body does, and the pain that comes from falling on my face, I am TOTALLY cool with being alive, and owning my emotions. It is pretty awesome.
Seeing beyond it, and communicating with reality (even if it just is the heat of the moment)is a major part of living your life. From what I have seen, it is almost as if "scientologists" go into a cocoon of propitiation towards life...like "i'm entitled to not have to suffer the slings and arrows of life coz I am cool with L. Ron" kind of thing. But it stops all personal growth,
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