Lurker5
Gold Meritorious Patron
Prt 5 How I did NOT Become a Scn'ist
Well, Mest, I guess I am not on the same page as you. You find something dirty in that? I said I'd be vague about some things - and that was one.
OK for you. Not sure how I am supposed to take it - your comment - though. If you are making fun of me, shame on you. If you are kidding, well then you are way to 'mesty' for me - LOL. Either case, I go on -
Dick Head took me to the basement, through a door, and inside a windowless dank dark room with a long table, where Joe was sitting. There was a guard at the door (and still I don't remember a uniform, but he must have been in one because I knew he was a guard.) His wife the E/O was towering above Joe in his chair, his chin on his chest, head all the way down. A glaring smirk was on her face - and she was looking at me ! She wasn't wearing no wifey hat at that moment. The shame was so thick in that room, you could have cut it. I hated her in that moment. Who would do this kind of thing to the person they love? Shame a person like this - it turned my stomach. I thought I was going to vomit. He was in RPF (I think), unclean, unshaven - - locked up. He was locked up and guarded so he couldn't get out.
I looked at Joe. He couldn't bring himself to look at me. There was this long silent moment. His fingers were nervously fiddling on top of the table. My heart went out to him. I wanted to reach out and stop those nervous twitching fingers - and say to him "Let's go". A million thoughts in my mind - I'd have to bring him home, and my landlady would have a fit. But I could explain it, I would have to help him out - get him on his feet, Could I do that? Well, you are going to have to - and as I made up my mind, my hand began to reach for those fingers. The whole time I am also thinking, Will they let us out of here? This is America - no gulags here - but I wasn't so sure anymore. I was really afraid we'd never get out - and visions of me running for the door, fighting my way out, screaming - would the street be able to hear me ? - and of my landlady wondering where the hell had I disappeared to - had I been kidnapped ?
Did anyone even KNOW I was at scn ctr?
My hand was reaching for his fingers, the words were on my lips to say -"Let's go" - and he in that momment looked up at me, sighed in a resigned way, and said, I guess I have some things to do to get back on track - or course - or whatever. I knew I had lost him. He wasn't leaving. So now it was just me. I still had to get out. And I was NEVER coming back.
I have wondered - to this day - did they do that on purpose? LOL. To get rid of me? Show me that? Him in RPF (or whatever that was)? WTF ? How did they think I was going to react to that? Who were these people? It was so Evil. I was so afraid.
I had to hear him out, acknowledge him, do all the things my courses had taught me to do. And I did that like a good little soldier.
But I wasn't done yet. THEY were not done with me yet. They stilll had to sell me something. So into the reg office I was routed. And a gang of guys hulked over me, telling me I needed to take this $900 reading course because I did not know how to read. I almost burst out laughing in Dick Head's face. I don't know how to read - hysterical. No, I don't want to take that class. They pressured, I resisted, and it went on and on and on. Finally I pointed to the cheapest class on the list that I had not already taken. I don't remember how much it was, maybe $75 at the most. That one, I said. I want to take that one. I didn't even know what it was, don't remember the name of it. Didn't care then, don't now. Buying it was my ticket out the door. I was willing to pay that. Figured it was a cheap ticket out too.
So I wrote my check, got out the door, got home and told my landlady that if anything from scn showed up in the mail for me, to write 'deceased' on it and send it back. I was not kidding around. I was dead serious, and she was very concerned, and asked me if something had happened. I did not want to talk about it. And I never did. I don't think she did as I asked ('deceased'/return), but threw all of it (scn lit) away instead.
About a week later she shows up at my door with a hand written letter from Joe in a scn envelope. She didn't toss it. She figured I would want to read it. She was right. I did. He really got to me, tore my heart out. He took it all on himself, apologized to me, asked me to come down to talk. I wanted to go, was on my way to deciding to go, just to talk to him, to tell him it wasn't his fault - I was the one who had gotten him in trouble. He did not do anything to me. He did not owe me an apology, I owed him. And he had not chased me out of there - THEY did ! It was Dick Head and his wife who had horrified me into fleeing scared half witless, terrified of scn. It was so freaking Evil.
I was on my way to tell him, when I noticed the carbon on the back of the letter. The letter had a carbon copy - they made him write it, copy it and send it to me to get me down there. Probably using tone scale - ha ha. ARC - whatever.
And to this day, I think he folded that carbon backwards so it would show on the back of the page, so that I would know - and NOT come down. Maybe I give him too much credit. My fantasy - Hey, let me have it.
I have been buying books, watching docs, reading stories, all anti - ever since. I think I knew/felt scn was the antichrist long before Bent Corydon let that out that LRH thought he was. (It was Bent, right, his book - that gave up that secret ? -I think it was.)
After reading "Blown for Good" (which brought all this up for me big time) I started doing online searches again on scn. It had been years since I'd done that. I think only Clambake was around before. Now I found all these ex sites. It has been wonderful. The internet is wonderful -
Except for one thing - When I bought Tom Cruise's unauth'd bio BECAUSE it had stuff in there about scn, I went on line to search then too. I accidentally landed on a real scn site, for just a brief moment, until I realized-and got out of there like I'd been burned. Next thing I know I am getting mailings. Volumes of it. I'd been dead all those years, then one mistake online and they have my number again ! EEEEK !
I guess they still have my file, lol, and still think of me as a scn'ist ! I am not a scn'ist. Never was, never will be.
They call me too. I told them to stop, and when they did not, I stopped answering that phone. That is my telemarketer phone - LOL. Worth every penny, the games I play with my answering machine and that phone
Once years ago, and a number of years after all that, my ex-landlady, a friend for life, came to me and told me her grand-daughter was in love with a scn'ist and they wanted to marry. I told her that if her grand-daughter's religion meant anything to her, and I knew it did, she should not get involved with a scn'ist. My ex-landlady/friend told me he was a very nice young man, and that he said that scn accepts all religions, no one has to give up their religion. I told her that was a lie. And I told her, making her swear she'd never tell who told her, my name could never come up, that I believed scn could be the antichrist (if there is such a thing).
That young woman married someone else of her own religion. The nice young man probably married a nice young scn'ist. I hope he and his wife got out.
Oh and one more really weird thing. This was a few years after my 'experience' in scn, when really, I just put all that out of my mind and got on with my life. Scn was in a deep dark hole somewhere in my mind, me not ready to pull that skankiness out yet and look at it. My friend, remember the one who took me down there? She had another friend, who lived somewhere outside of Atascadero, CA. I was going to be in the area, and I was invited to stay at her place, even though I hardly knew this person, my friend's friend. She gave me directions, and told me that if I was stopped by a guard, to just tell him I was visiting her. Her place was way outside Atascadero, in the middle of nowhere. No one stopped me on my way in. But once in her little trailer, the guard did come by. He was of average height, dark hair, in western ranch clothes - and very skinny. Reserved, not talkative at all. Dark and brooding, you might say. She invited him in, introduced us - I don't remember the name really, but Gene or Pat comes to mind - it was a non generic name, I recall - you know a guy or girls name.
Maybe those two names come from my later reading, about Pat Broeker, and Gene - who was the doctor. So maybe my mind lands on those names - yet maybe one of those wasn't really his name at all, and I am squashing later info from some book into my memories, making a false memory - on the name of the guy. Memeories are like that, and that could be the case here with mine on this (any of this). I really don't remember it all that well. But he guy did have a generic name.
You know where I was, huh . . .
Yeah, no shit, BUT I had no clue.
She asked this guy if he wanted to eat with us. Yes, and he scarfed down her homemade pizza. Shoveled it in. Now this woman was a wog, of that I am absolutely sure. She did not have much money. She was raising a kid on her own, and lived in this trailer on a ranch in the middle of nowhere. After the guard left, she told me he was always coming over to check on her. She believed he just wanted to eat. She invited him to eat everytime he came by. He never turned her down. She laughed and said she believed they must be starving him 'over there'. I thought it was all very unusual. Who lives like that, on a ranch with guards? I thought it might be someone famous, like an old retired actor or something. So I asked her, Who lives there? Oh just some old guy, I see him sometimes sitting back there, really long white hair, in shorts.
Even when I read about LRH's death it took me a long time to connect the dots. I think I was reading another anti book when it dawned on me.
I can't ask this woman anything more on it, as I lost touch with her when she married a few years later and moved some place unkown. I am no longer in touch with the friend who first walked me through the doors of the local scn. I wonder if she ever figured that out.
I also went online after reading BFG, and tried to find Joe the Goodman. Always wondered if he got out. Hoped he had. There he was with a Facebook page. This was just before they had all that security flap. Now people can close off their personal info. His wasn't at that time. He listed his religion as scn.
Bummer. But he looked happy. It was him, in the pictures posted. Maybe he is just a public now, or is out, but hasn't told scn yet. Definitely he wasn't staff anymore - his info gave me enough to know what he was doing, for a living - and he was on his own.
And I always hope - of course - that couch sleeper got the hell out. And the girl who got dragged out to have dinner with her estranged mom.
That's all I can remember right now. And this is all true, except where I changed names and places - a few things - to cover my identity.
If anyone recognized them self in here - like Dick Head or Tallen Stately, my apologies. That is how is was for me. I hope you both got out too.
My hopes for the cos ? - May it implode - and soon. But more likely - hopefully, at the very least - it will be opened up like a can of worms and aired out. Then if it goes on, maybe it can do that like a real church and not some fascist regime, enslaving and harming its followers.
When I walked away, I wondered, do I toss out everything I found there as tainted goods? Or do I test each thing out, and keep what is good, and toss the rest. That is what I ended up doing. And lots of it sticks, just not the way LRH intended.
I have no problem with folks who want to do it on their own. I don't GET IT, but go ahead. It is your life and if it floats your boat, hallelujah. I also think it takes times, lots of time, to get deprogrammed. But the person has to come to that on their own - and let that happen. Give the newbies-out lots of time, space and patience. Let them do it on their own in their own way. If they do. And if not, as long as no harm is done to anyone, who cares.
But be careful people. It was rotten at it's core - and set up with intent to decieve. Be very very careful - It can all come back, in the blink of an eye.
Well, Mest, I guess I am not on the same page as you. You find something dirty in that? I said I'd be vague about some things - and that was one.
OK for you. Not sure how I am supposed to take it - your comment - though. If you are making fun of me, shame on you. If you are kidding, well then you are way to 'mesty' for me - LOL. Either case, I go on -
Dick Head took me to the basement, through a door, and inside a windowless dank dark room with a long table, where Joe was sitting. There was a guard at the door (and still I don't remember a uniform, but he must have been in one because I knew he was a guard.) His wife the E/O was towering above Joe in his chair, his chin on his chest, head all the way down. A glaring smirk was on her face - and she was looking at me ! She wasn't wearing no wifey hat at that moment. The shame was so thick in that room, you could have cut it. I hated her in that moment. Who would do this kind of thing to the person they love? Shame a person like this - it turned my stomach. I thought I was going to vomit. He was in RPF (I think), unclean, unshaven - - locked up. He was locked up and guarded so he couldn't get out.
I looked at Joe. He couldn't bring himself to look at me. There was this long silent moment. His fingers were nervously fiddling on top of the table. My heart went out to him. I wanted to reach out and stop those nervous twitching fingers - and say to him "Let's go". A million thoughts in my mind - I'd have to bring him home, and my landlady would have a fit. But I could explain it, I would have to help him out - get him on his feet, Could I do that? Well, you are going to have to - and as I made up my mind, my hand began to reach for those fingers. The whole time I am also thinking, Will they let us out of here? This is America - no gulags here - but I wasn't so sure anymore. I was really afraid we'd never get out - and visions of me running for the door, fighting my way out, screaming - would the street be able to hear me ? - and of my landlady wondering where the hell had I disappeared to - had I been kidnapped ?
Did anyone even KNOW I was at scn ctr?
My hand was reaching for his fingers, the words were on my lips to say -"Let's go" - and he in that momment looked up at me, sighed in a resigned way, and said, I guess I have some things to do to get back on track - or course - or whatever. I knew I had lost him. He wasn't leaving. So now it was just me. I still had to get out. And I was NEVER coming back.
I have wondered - to this day - did they do that on purpose? LOL. To get rid of me? Show me that? Him in RPF (or whatever that was)? WTF ? How did they think I was going to react to that? Who were these people? It was so Evil. I was so afraid.
I had to hear him out, acknowledge him, do all the things my courses had taught me to do. And I did that like a good little soldier.
But I wasn't done yet. THEY were not done with me yet. They stilll had to sell me something. So into the reg office I was routed. And a gang of guys hulked over me, telling me I needed to take this $900 reading course because I did not know how to read. I almost burst out laughing in Dick Head's face. I don't know how to read - hysterical. No, I don't want to take that class. They pressured, I resisted, and it went on and on and on. Finally I pointed to the cheapest class on the list that I had not already taken. I don't remember how much it was, maybe $75 at the most. That one, I said. I want to take that one. I didn't even know what it was, don't remember the name of it. Didn't care then, don't now. Buying it was my ticket out the door. I was willing to pay that. Figured it was a cheap ticket out too.
So I wrote my check, got out the door, got home and told my landlady that if anything from scn showed up in the mail for me, to write 'deceased' on it and send it back. I was not kidding around. I was dead serious, and she was very concerned, and asked me if something had happened. I did not want to talk about it. And I never did. I don't think she did as I asked ('deceased'/return), but threw all of it (scn lit) away instead.
About a week later she shows up at my door with a hand written letter from Joe in a scn envelope. She didn't toss it. She figured I would want to read it. She was right. I did. He really got to me, tore my heart out. He took it all on himself, apologized to me, asked me to come down to talk. I wanted to go, was on my way to deciding to go, just to talk to him, to tell him it wasn't his fault - I was the one who had gotten him in trouble. He did not do anything to me. He did not owe me an apology, I owed him. And he had not chased me out of there - THEY did ! It was Dick Head and his wife who had horrified me into fleeing scared half witless, terrified of scn. It was so freaking Evil.
I was on my way to tell him, when I noticed the carbon on the back of the letter. The letter had a carbon copy - they made him write it, copy it and send it to me to get me down there. Probably using tone scale - ha ha. ARC - whatever.
And to this day, I think he folded that carbon backwards so it would show on the back of the page, so that I would know - and NOT come down. Maybe I give him too much credit. My fantasy - Hey, let me have it.
I have been buying books, watching docs, reading stories, all anti - ever since. I think I knew/felt scn was the antichrist long before Bent Corydon let that out that LRH thought he was. (It was Bent, right, his book - that gave up that secret ? -I think it was.)
After reading "Blown for Good" (which brought all this up for me big time) I started doing online searches again on scn. It had been years since I'd done that. I think only Clambake was around before. Now I found all these ex sites. It has been wonderful. The internet is wonderful -
Except for one thing - When I bought Tom Cruise's unauth'd bio BECAUSE it had stuff in there about scn, I went on line to search then too. I accidentally landed on a real scn site, for just a brief moment, until I realized-and got out of there like I'd been burned. Next thing I know I am getting mailings. Volumes of it. I'd been dead all those years, then one mistake online and they have my number again ! EEEEK !
I guess they still have my file, lol, and still think of me as a scn'ist ! I am not a scn'ist. Never was, never will be.
They call me too. I told them to stop, and when they did not, I stopped answering that phone. That is my telemarketer phone - LOL. Worth every penny, the games I play with my answering machine and that phone
Once years ago, and a number of years after all that, my ex-landlady, a friend for life, came to me and told me her grand-daughter was in love with a scn'ist and they wanted to marry. I told her that if her grand-daughter's religion meant anything to her, and I knew it did, she should not get involved with a scn'ist. My ex-landlady/friend told me he was a very nice young man, and that he said that scn accepts all religions, no one has to give up their religion. I told her that was a lie. And I told her, making her swear she'd never tell who told her, my name could never come up, that I believed scn could be the antichrist (if there is such a thing).
That young woman married someone else of her own religion. The nice young man probably married a nice young scn'ist. I hope he and his wife got out.
Oh and one more really weird thing. This was a few years after my 'experience' in scn, when really, I just put all that out of my mind and got on with my life. Scn was in a deep dark hole somewhere in my mind, me not ready to pull that skankiness out yet and look at it. My friend, remember the one who took me down there? She had another friend, who lived somewhere outside of Atascadero, CA. I was going to be in the area, and I was invited to stay at her place, even though I hardly knew this person, my friend's friend. She gave me directions, and told me that if I was stopped by a guard, to just tell him I was visiting her. Her place was way outside Atascadero, in the middle of nowhere. No one stopped me on my way in. But once in her little trailer, the guard did come by. He was of average height, dark hair, in western ranch clothes - and very skinny. Reserved, not talkative at all. Dark and brooding, you might say. She invited him in, introduced us - I don't remember the name really, but Gene or Pat comes to mind - it was a non generic name, I recall - you know a guy or girls name.
Maybe those two names come from my later reading, about Pat Broeker, and Gene - who was the doctor. So maybe my mind lands on those names - yet maybe one of those wasn't really his name at all, and I am squashing later info from some book into my memories, making a false memory - on the name of the guy. Memeories are like that, and that could be the case here with mine on this (any of this). I really don't remember it all that well. But he guy did have a generic name.
You know where I was, huh . . .
Yeah, no shit, BUT I had no clue.
She asked this guy if he wanted to eat with us. Yes, and he scarfed down her homemade pizza. Shoveled it in. Now this woman was a wog, of that I am absolutely sure. She did not have much money. She was raising a kid on her own, and lived in this trailer on a ranch in the middle of nowhere. After the guard left, she told me he was always coming over to check on her. She believed he just wanted to eat. She invited him to eat everytime he came by. He never turned her down. She laughed and said she believed they must be starving him 'over there'. I thought it was all very unusual. Who lives like that, on a ranch with guards? I thought it might be someone famous, like an old retired actor or something. So I asked her, Who lives there? Oh just some old guy, I see him sometimes sitting back there, really long white hair, in shorts.
Even when I read about LRH's death it took me a long time to connect the dots. I think I was reading another anti book when it dawned on me.
I can't ask this woman anything more on it, as I lost touch with her when she married a few years later and moved some place unkown. I am no longer in touch with the friend who first walked me through the doors of the local scn. I wonder if she ever figured that out.
I also went online after reading BFG, and tried to find Joe the Goodman. Always wondered if he got out. Hoped he had. There he was with a Facebook page. This was just before they had all that security flap. Now people can close off their personal info. His wasn't at that time. He listed his religion as scn.
Bummer. But he looked happy. It was him, in the pictures posted. Maybe he is just a public now, or is out, but hasn't told scn yet. Definitely he wasn't staff anymore - his info gave me enough to know what he was doing, for a living - and he was on his own.
And I always hope - of course - that couch sleeper got the hell out. And the girl who got dragged out to have dinner with her estranged mom.
That's all I can remember right now. And this is all true, except where I changed names and places - a few things - to cover my identity.
If anyone recognized them self in here - like Dick Head or Tallen Stately, my apologies. That is how is was for me. I hope you both got out too.
My hopes for the cos ? - May it implode - and soon. But more likely - hopefully, at the very least - it will be opened up like a can of worms and aired out. Then if it goes on, maybe it can do that like a real church and not some fascist regime, enslaving and harming its followers.
When I walked away, I wondered, do I toss out everything I found there as tainted goods? Or do I test each thing out, and keep what is good, and toss the rest. That is what I ended up doing. And lots of it sticks, just not the way LRH intended.
I have no problem with folks who want to do it on their own. I don't GET IT, but go ahead. It is your life and if it floats your boat, hallelujah. I also think it takes times, lots of time, to get deprogrammed. But the person has to come to that on their own - and let that happen. Give the newbies-out lots of time, space and patience. Let them do it on their own in their own way. If they do. And if not, as long as no harm is done to anyone, who cares.
But be careful people. It was rotten at it's core - and set up with intent to decieve. Be very very careful - It can all come back, in the blink of an eye.
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