I introduce myself

My life is very busy. I have a little breathing space right now so I thought I would try to properly introduce myself. Unfortunately, I cannot be as frank as I would like to be since (as I have stated elsewhere) my husband is still dedicated, on staff, trying to finish OTVII and get on and through OTVIII.
I got into Scientology in 1979 as a result of falling in love with the man who is now my husband. It seems that I have past-life experience with the subject, but the this-lifetime impetus was my husband. I knew that he was a Scientologist, so I read Dianetics. I found it interesting.
I joined staff when I was partway through the HQS course at my local CC. My husband had FSM’d me there rather than the local org as it was rather nicer and he (correctly) assumed that I would not enjoy the atmosphere of the org. I was trained as a course supe. The D of P was my best friend from uni who I had got in. At some point we realized that, despite being very recent recruits, we were two of the more highly trained people in the building.
Unfortunately, the CC was dismantled in the general debacle of which I understood very little at the time. Fortunately, we (my husband and I)were overseas in a country where there was no Scientology during that whole contretemps which was lucky for me. (Remember in the early 80’s , there was no internet and the Japanese had only recently invented the fax machine.) I attested to past-life clear in 1983 on a trip from afore-mentioned foreign country (AFMFC).
The next year on return from AFMFC I stopped in LA while my husband was at Flag. (He had begun Solo NOTs in 1981 ( before we were married) and is still not finished (although he did attest to it at one time and has dropped off the level several times due to finances and so on). He is a very bright, high IQ man who earns a good living in his profession and is highly educated. Of course, I am somewhat biased in my opinion.)
At AOLA I somehow managed to get through OT III in about 6 weeks, despite (according to the current standards) not being Clear, and being very poor. I remember struggling to walk back to where I lived with some groceries and a very kind couple giving me a lift. They noticed my clear bracelet just when I got out of the car and were very pleased and surprised to see that they had given a lift to a pre-OT. Can you believe that a) I got into their car and b) they turned out to be Good Samaritan scios? My third world sandals were held together with tape, as I recall. Bless you, whoever you were! I made some money to support myself by supeing in the Solo One course room at some amount of $s per hour. The SO Supe had a medical condition and needed time off in the middle of the day. I was 26 or 27 years old and probably appeared younger. One day the RTC turned up and I realized that they were looking for a uniformed body in the course room. I rushed over in my not-quite-knee-length-white shorts and yellow and white form-fitting T-shirt and reassured them of my credentials. I mention what I was wearing because at the time I was quite naïve as to what effect it might have had and to demonstrate how the RTC would not have been able to spot me in the crowd – despite the inevitable clipboard.
On my return to my city of origin I was roll-backed (had no idea what that meant) and declined to join staff at the org since the CC was no more. I had to write O/Ws until I was unconscious. On the other hand I sup’ed up in the CLO because they needed someone and I was available and willing. Except that there was a bunch of stuff (I realize now) that was actually verboten to moi, since I was not SO. No matter, I recall it not at all.
I languished for a bit, had a baby, LRH died just before that. My husband attested to OT VII. When our daughter was less than a year, we returned to AFMFC and worked on a translation cycle that was later declared an OP. Oh well. I trained to Class lll somewhere in here, too.
I returned to university and finished my degree. Was encouraged to go on to graduate school by my profs. Didn’t.
Go back to AFMFC for several years. Am awarded KTL/LOC at Flag. After noticing that those around me seem to think it normal to spend the rest of their natural lives on this cycle, I decide to break agreement with this and get the fuck through it. To the delight and surprise of the supe, who thought I was “just a fucking public” as he described me to prospective twin – we blow past everyone to finish.
A number of years later, my husband and I receive an inheritance from husband’s mother and spend it on the ship doing a debug. One of our dogs gets frostbite on his ear and is forever neurotic after his experience in the kennel. Our daughter survives better and forgives me years later for leaving her with non-scio friends for the duration. I decide that I need to get a job and go back to the uni for a teaching degree. Despite the very-bad –job market and extreme difficulty getting into teacher’s college I a) get a not-bad job and b) get into teacher’s college on my very first try.
Do teacher’s college. Get work straight away despite all odds. Start earning serious money. Get to Flag for handling. Do OT 4 and 5. Am present when TC (who is in my HGC ) attests to OT VI and does the massive Flag grad event. Attest to OT IV and go on to V. Finish V within minutes of my tech estimate.
Continue to get educated. Am promoted to school librarian. Transfer to school where I can be bilingual librarian and am closer to home. CSW to my public school board for a few extra days off in the summer so that I can get on to VI and VII. Approved by my wog –ridden , psych – driven public school board. In the meantime I have gone out-2D and have had marriage counseling to handle. Get onto VI A and have huge wins on the books (yet again). This is in my spring break. In summer I arrive and find – I am not Clear !!!. Well. There is no evidence in my folder to that effect. Despite the fact that I have done very well on my OT levels, have no somatics and etc. Here is where it starts to go seriously awry.
I do not agree with my programme. I like my auditor very much but I sense that even she is having difficulty with the current programme. I am routed to Qual for education on the subject. I study the material s and write a good essay on why I can’t be clear according to the references I have studied. But, bloody hell, I am an academic. I have no problem assuming an alternate viewpoint to my own. I try to go with the flows. Maybe I am clear and maybe I am not. Just answer the questions and see where it goes. By the time we get to NED, I am bored to tears. All I wanted was to get on to VII. I had no problem with V. I had no problem with III and only a slight glitch with IV. I go through four auditors. Now I just want out.
When I leave Flag, I know that it is very likely for the last time. No one knows this except for me. I leave with an incomplete programme. I leave “on chaplain lines”. If there is a department of compassion in the COS, it is the chaplain. I forget his name now but he was an old-timer and he made me feel that one day it would be OK. Tears stream down my face as I leave for what I suspect is the last time.
Anyway, In PT this is how it is. I have an excellent job and make very good money. I live in a run-down house on a desirable property close to a major urban centre in North America. I am not sure if I will try to continue on the Bridge or not. I am currently (like Alex) on an extension course. Since I am also doing a master’s degree as well as working full time, I am able to fend off enquiries from everybody as to why I am not making faster progress. I get up at 5:30am.and often do not return home until after 6:00 pm from my WOG job, educating children in the public school system. And then, I go online to study for my Master of Library and Information Science (MLIS).
None of the children that I serve have any idea of what religion I belong to. About half of my colleagues know that I self-identify as a Scientologist -- and that is my constitutional right to do so. As I have stated before, the children come first. And unlike TC, I realized from the outset that the parents have the right to look after their own children, except in clear cases of abuse, where I have a legal obligation to report to the authorities.
I hope that the above is sufficient to allow me to post on this board with some degree of authenticity. I know that Zinj has already (tactfully) expressed his dismay at my being “in a position of public trust”. To you, Zinj, I state categorically, that I have NEVER disseminated to a colleague or family that I have been connected to through my job. I am very evasive on the topic, and refer everyone to ‘books or the internet’ knowing full well what they will find there. I have always felt that if you are looking for a spiritual path, then you will find it. Or not. There is more to my story pre-Scientology that led me there but I have said enough for now.
The bottom line for me is that I love my husband and do NOT want to lose him. Maybe posting to ESMB will lead me to losing him at last. I have always said that the person comes before the religion or the system or the state . . . but that may not be true for him in the end. In which case I hope you all stand by me . . .
 

Free to shine

Shiny & Free
OH yes, we will stand by you. I am sure my use of "we" is ok, judging by my time here. :)

Thanks for your heartfelt story. I never tire of hearing the truth that cannot be publicly told, the real feelings of fellow travellers. :)
 

nexus100

Gold Meritorious Patron
It appears you have a pretty good track record of making things happen the way you want. So you can continue that, or do something else. What do you want to do?
 

ozzie

Patron with Honors
Sounds like a lot of us - still connected so got to be careful - it sucks and I feel so very sorry that such has to occur.

I just don't understand why these people put Scn over their loved ones - I just don't!

Ozzie:no:
 
The bottom line for me is that I love my husband and do NOT want to lose him. Maybe posting to ESMB will lead me to losing him at last. I have always said that the person comes before the religion or the system or the state . . . but that may not be true for him in the end. In which case I hope you all stand by me . . .

Firstly, kudos on the grad program. Best of luck on it.

Secondly, just hold your position. If your husband is as intelligent a man as you think him to be he will respect you and your views. If on the other hand he "caves in" to Co$ pressure, that will be his choice, not yours; nor would such a position be a credit to an "OT".

Welcome "out". :)


Mark A. Baker
 

Free to shine

Shiny & Free
Thank you. It means a lot to me to know that you are out there.

It is a very, very difficult and heartrending situation to be in. I am not a stranger to it. The pull between love and integrity, both of which are vital. It seems you have done it well for a long time.

I do feel that the next few months hold a lot of change and cracks in the public face of Scientology. Eventually even the most dedicated will have to face some truths. In the meantime the best thing we can do as individuals is work at both those things - love and integrity, especially towards ourselves. :)
 
Goodness, Nexus, you are very quick off the mark. I would like to finish my current degree. I have a specific career goal which I am working on -- to open a new school library. I am ethically pursuing this goal although it requires some politics.

I want to stay married to my husband and if he wants to pursue OT VII and OTVIII, that's OK as long as we are not left in financial ruin.

I would like to see my daughter complete her academic goals and get started on her life goals -- no matter that she is taking some detours.

Recently I had a comm cycle with a class 9 auditor who said I might be concerned about my future eternity -- and I was able to laugh at that and say that my own eternity was not something I care about.

And it isn't. I don't want to be begging on the street at the end of my life. And if I am, I hope to starve to death with dignity.

I still have a multiple lifetime viewpoint. So I believe that my basic purpose, which is to enable the the individual to understand information and use it to create new information, will inform and inspire my next life.

However, that may not be the case. So this lifetime, I try to inspire the young people I meet in the course of my work, from many backgrounds, to look at all the information they can access. To understand that some of it is disinformation (try researching Martin Luther King online). To create their own understanding and their own knowledge.

Young people today live in a truly different world than I do. My daughter once called me from Corsica to ask me to check the ferry schedule to the mainland of Italy. This was perfectly normal information-seeking behaviour for her. Completely insane to me. I had to laugh.

Does this answer your question? At all? I have no aspirations to go beyond OTV. The prospect bores me. I hate being bored.
 

Alan

Gold Meritorious Patron
It is a very, very difficult and heartrending situation to be in. I am not a stranger to it. The pull between love and integrity, both of which are vital.

It seems you have done it well for a long time.

I do feel that the next few months hold a lot of change and cracks in the public face of Scientology. Eventually even the most dedicated will have to face some truths.

In the meantime the best thing we can do as individuals is work at both those things - love and integrity, especially towards ourselves. :)

Beautiful FTS - :thumbsup:

Welcome to one of the great re-alignments of life Mme la Bibliothécaire! :happydance:

Alan
 
Thank you Alan and thank you FTS. Some things that my husband has said to me recently make me wonder if he is not starting to see the cracks -- without even having the benefit of all you amazing people on ESMB.

He is such a being of integrity -- which is why I love him.

I have been asking him since he got to Flag if he has any idea why the Freewinds has delayed sailing. It would be much less expensive for us were he to do OTVIII at Flag. But either he has no idea or he is suppressing the knowledge from me. I think he has no idea.

I have tried to hint to him that it is very likely that the "maiden voyage" will occur at Flag -- but I can't bring myself to tell him why!!

Oh dear! What a silly problem.

For now, I just continue to let him go his way. He continues to let me go mine -- he says that not going back for auditing is what I should do until/uless I am ready. He is fine with my paying tuition and other expenses incurred by distance -running habit.

Again, thank you all. I don't think I could have originated on any other board than this.
 

nexus100

Gold Meritorious Patron
Goodness, Nexus, you are very quick off the mark. I would like to finish my current degree. I have a specific career goal which I am working on -- to open a new school library. I am ethically pursuing this goal although it requires some politics.

I want to stay married to my husband and if he wants to pursue OT VII and OTVIII, that's OK as long as we are not left in financial ruin.

I would like to see my daughter complete her academic goals and get started on her life goals -- no matter that she is taking some detours.

Recently I had a comm cycle with a class 9 auditor who said I might be concerned about my future eternity -- and I was able to laugh at that and say that my own eternity was not something I care about.

And it isn't. I don't want to be begging on the street at the end of my life. And if I am, I hope to starve to death with dignity.

I still have a multiple lifetime viewpoint. So I believe that my basic purpose, which is to enable the the individual to understand information and use it to create new information, will inform and inspire my next life.

However, that may not be the case. So this lifetime, I try to inspire the young people I meet in the course of my work, from many backgrounds, to look at all the information they can access. To understand that some of it is disinformation (try researching Martin Luther King online). To create their own understanding and their own knowledge.

Young people today live in a truly different world than I do. My daughter once called me from Corsica to ask me to check the ferry schedule to the mainland of Italy. This was perfectly normal information-seeking behaviour for her. Completely insane to me. I had to laugh.

Does this answer your question? At all? I have no aspirations to go beyond OTV. The prospect bores me. I hate being bored.

You, my dear, are heavenly. My very best wishes and hopes!
 

GreyLensman

Silver Meritorious Patron
Thank you Alan and thank you FTS. Some things that my husband has said to me recently make me wonder if he is not starting to see the cracks -- without even having the benefit of all you amazing people on ESMB.

He is such a being of integrity -- which is why I love him.

I have been asking him since he got to Flag if he has any idea why the Freewinds has delayed sailing. It would be much less expensive for us were he to do OTVIII at Flag. But either he has no idea or he is suppressing the knowledge from me. I think he has no idea.

I have tried to hint to him that it is very likely that the "maiden voyage" will occur at Flag -- but I can't bring myself to tell him why!!

Oh dear! What a silly problem.

For now, I just continue to let him go his way. He continues to let me go mine -- he says that not going back for auditing is what I should do until/uless I am ready. He is fine with my paying tuition and other expenses incurred by distance -running habit.

Again, thank you all. I don't think I could have originated on any other board than this.

Thanks for posting your story. I've enjoyed your postings to this board. Welcome.

I too did OT III as a past life clear. I found that even my OT VIII FSM was still worried about his eternity, where I had complete reality that I'd already solved mine once and I could certainly do it again.

The cracks are slowly widening. There's a good chance he's smart enough and true enough to himself, your husband, to come to his own conclusions. I hope so.

I wish you the best in working this out.
 

duddins

Patron Meritorious
Welcome to the board Mme!

Thank you so much for sharing your situation. As you can see, you are definitely not alone with your situation.

I must say that I have never been exactly in your shoes, because I am a surviving ex Sea Org member, and when I left, I was the last of my family to go. But I can certainly understand just how difficult your situation is and admire your courage to reach out.

It is nice to have another public school educator here on the board! I teach High School science in Southern California. I totally understand that challenge!!!!!!

Mme, you are doing great things......working on your Masters is no small accomplishment.

You have my support and if you need a place to vent and seek advice, there is no other place like ESMB!

Welcome again! :yes:
 

The Oracle

Gold Meritorious Patron
Welcome to the board.

Well done on all of the personal improvements you have managed to accomplish and complete over the years.You obviously have a happy marriage with evolution!

T.O.
 

sallydannce

Gold Meritorious Patron
A warm welcome Mme! :flowers:

Thank you for sharing all of the above.

IMO, the fact that you, I and many others, are in the position that we may lose the one's we love because of a "church" is just plain wrong. Ultimately disconnection (or the threat of it even) only does more harm than good which violates the old "greatest good..." indoctrination.

We retain the right to change our mind about which religion we believe in. We retain the right to freely express our opinions. The right to explore knowledge and assess it, with free will. Nothing should be allowed to interfere with these things.

To be torn between love and retaining our rights is :no: :no:

My former religion was meant to represent goodness, love and lightness. Instead because I change my mind about my participation, I find the complete opposite (it was actually always there to see but I confess to blindness). There is NOTHING loving about pressurising a man/woman to leave their wife/husband (even if subtly done) because their spouse changed their mind.

There is nothing loving about a "church" which only wants members who are removed from the realities of life or ex-members who are silent. (what is this "church" so afraid of?) People have different views - that's what makes the world so colourful, what makes life's journey so fascinating.

Recently I said to my loved one, "you know the church will put pressure on you to leave & divorce me, you ready for this?" My loved one said "I will walk out if anyone even hints at that. That's not acceptable to me."

My loved one will have his integrity, all the values he was raised with by his fine parents, tested to their fullest. I feel for him. I really do. I hate this situation.

Enough from me for now.
I send you my best wishes. :rose:
 

Mary

Patron with Honors
Just read through your posts Mme la Bibliothécaire.

Amazing story! Thank you so much for the communication. :rose:
 

sandygirl

Silver Meritorious Patron
Facinating read Mme-Welcome!!!

I am so happy to read a story from someone working in Education! I never shared the church's views about the system and did not give in to pressure NOT to send my children.

Your husband sounds like a wonderful man and it is quite awful that you have to keep your feelings secret from him.

I'm looking forward to more of your story.
 

Div6

Crusader
Welcome, Madam Librarian. May I call you Marion?

I think your husband is on the cusp. He has seen "outpoints" and the explanations given are suspect at best. The problem is that he is heavily invested, and he is a believer.

As a point of reference I have done OT I - IV in the Freezone, as well as all 3 L's. There are a few competent Nots auditors, and Solo Not's C\S'es. So leaving the "org" is not necessarily "loosing ones eternity".

And a point re: "Class IX Auditors". Class IX Auditors are just Class IV's that have done the NOTs delivery course. They have NOT done the SHSBC nor the Class VIII course. So don't be all starry eyed over the IX designation. It's no stellar accomplishment.

Lastly, Zinj has been dubbed "The Master of Inval and Eval" for a reason. He has never "done" any auditing or training, but finds himself compelled to attach to ANY discussion of Scn on the internet. He is capable of case gain, and even ethics change, but has no personal desire to do Scn. Just so you can put his comments in "context".

We are here for you.
 

Free to shine

Shiny & Free
Lastly, Zinj has been dubbed "The Master of Inval and Eval" for a reason. He has never "done" any auditing or training, but finds himself compelled to attach to ANY discussion of Scn on the internet. He is capable of case gain, and even ethics change, but has no personal desire to do Scn. Just so you can put his comments in "context".

What an incredibly condescending attitude!
I doubt you mean it that way Div6, but that's how it comes across.
 
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