I met my therapist today

[I told you I was trouble]

Actually, I'm sure I didn't process the emotional burden of cancer in a healthy way. I was manic cancer fighter. I was cheerful and cooperative and even though I cried a bit, mostly I was the "perfect" patient. I had a positive attitude and of course I inspired everyone around me.

I spent much of my time comforting those around me who reacted with sorrow or grief when they found out my diagnosis. It's what I do. It's what we were trained to do. I enjoyed being surrounded by love and compassion. It never occured to me that I should be scared, sad, angry or even concerned. I did a "handling" on myself and my cancer.

That's not normal kids.

It isn't normal, I agree completely.

I once flicked a heartbreaking loss off in a matter of a few days ("handled myself") when I should have grieved like a human being, and it kind of just sat there well hidden and waited (for decades) till I was able to process it, minus the cultic conditioning.

I actually took pride in showing the world how bloody clever I was and how I was able to "handle myself under extreme duress, using the tek" ... and normal people must have thought I was a very strange and weird person (and they were right).

I'm glad you are OK GT and I'm extra glad that you came back home (to us).

​

 

[SweetnessandLight]

I found this to be very interesting food for thought, and I've read the book on the Geography of Time, it was good!

http://youtu.be/isPj5KgpVqg

 

[sallydannce]

So, she told me that in the first two sessions she would do an assessment of my issues. It wasn't like any assessment I ever had in the cult. But in the first session, she sure has Itsa down pat. I couldn't believe how much I told her in one hour.

She took just enough notes to get me back on track when I lost my train of thought, which I tend to do much of the time. I was definitely VGIs at the end. Yes, I found myself thinking and talking in Scientologese and she didn't seem to mind.

I have so much hope about learning to love and forgive myself.

GT, I love you. There is so much I want to say but words are just banging around in my head, like inadequate chunks of man-made nonsense.

Your journey to love and forgive yourself is, imho, the most wonderful - but at times, gut wrenching - journeys one can take. It takes guts.

You have so much strength. Do you really get what you have done? You got your arse out of mind-numbing cult!

You remained a warm loving woman. Articulate. Kind. Compassionate. These are no small achievements GT.

I celebrate you! With your imperfections blending so beautifully with your perfections. A woman of substance!

 

[Cherished]

It's great to see you, GT. And I'm thrilled for you that you have found a counsellor who is so very helpful to you. Enjoy every moment. By going to her that first time, and every time, you are redeeming something that LRon took from you - the freedom to seek wise professional counsel when you need it (outside the CoS). It sounds like you are relishing retaking that freedom.

<3

 

[Good twin]

I had my second visit and she asked me an interesting question. She said "Have you ever thought about what your life would have been like if you hadn't grown up with a sick father, then joined a cult and then stayed in an abusive relationship?

It was her just sharing my own words back to me. It was her giving me permission to think about the thing I never allow my self to look at. "It's impossible to know the answer", I think "so why would I think about it?" But I realized I do think about it. It's all I think about. It's the imposture I've become. It's who I always pretend I am.

I was so proud of not being a victim, I pretended that I hadn't ever been victimized. I really truly walked around seeing a false world of my own creation. I know my life is not the worst a person could experience or survive. But everyone has trauma. After two visits with a psychologist I can admit that I've been hurt. It seems to me that by denying that hurt I have also continued to invite abuse into my life.

She also asked me if I could visualize a life that I chose instead of one I put up with. I have to admit I can only see glimpses. I told her that growing up and growing older for me has been a process of learning what I don't want in my life instead of discovering what I do want.

And yes Cherished. I marvel over the fact that she's licensed and regulated. She pays taxes on the money she makes and she doesn't ask me to pay for the furniture in her office. She probably has a life of her own when she leaves the office. There's no sooper seekrit upper levels if I pay the big bucks. (At least I hope not)

it's still a pretty big leap of faith to be there and she understands that. She UNDERSTANDS! Not ARC = U. She just really understands like an actual human being. It's mind blowing.

Thank you all for your good wishes and kind words.

 

[BardoThodol]

I had my second visit and she asked me an interesting question. She said "Have you ever thought about what your life would have been like if you hadn't grown up with a sick father, then joined a cult and then stayed in an abusive relationship?

It was her just sharing my own words back to me. It was her giving me permission to think about the thing I never allow my self to look at. "It's impossible to know the answer", I think "so why would I think about it?" But I realized I do think about it. It's all I think about. It's the imposture I've become. It's who I always pretend I am.

I was so proud of not being a victim, I pretended that I hadn't ever been victimized. I really truly walked around seeing a false world of my own creation. I know my life is not the worst a person could experience or survive. But everyone has trauma. After two visits with a psychologist I can admit that I've been hurt. It seems to me that by denying that hurt I have also continued to invite abuse into my life.

She also asked me if I could visualize a life that I chose instead of one I put up with. I have to admit I can only see glimpses. I told her that growing up and growing older for me has been a process of learning what I don't want in my life instead of discovering what I do want.

And yes Cherished. I marvel over the fact that she's licensed and regulated. She pays taxes on the money she makes and she doesn't ask me to pay for the furniture in her office. She probably has a life of her own when she leaves the office. There's no sooper seekrit upper levels if I pay the big bucks. (At least I hope not)

it's still a pretty big leap of faith to be there and she understands that. She UNDERSTANDS! Not ARC = U. She just really understands like an actual human being. It's mind blowing.

Thank you all for your good wishes and kind words.

GT,

When you wrote about inviting "abuse into my life" a little light bulb clicked on, sort of like going into the dank basement where the bulb's not all that bright to begin with, but at least you're able to avoid smashing your nose into a shelf.

Abuse. Click.

I think all of us feel abuse in our lives.

I certainly do.

Which begs the question: what would an abuse-free life be like? To live a life as close to abuse-free as possible, what would your persona and attitudes and mindset be like?

I thought about it, and suddenly the basement lit up like an amusement park harvesting the Hoover Dam electrical grid.

No sense offering a pedantic definition of "abuse," but it's fascinating how a random phrase can sometimes trigger enlightenments.

Why do we allow abuse into our lives when we don't really have to?

And how truly amazing we actually are--which makes abuse inexcusable and impermissible.

 

[Student of Trinity]

I had a brief brush with the counseling industry myself at one point, when I was very discouraged over my career. I saw two counselors for several sessions, and a couple more briefly while I was decided what route to go. Far from trying to get everybody onto drugs, the psychiatrists clearly indicated that medication was not appropriate in my case, and I went to talk to a couple of counseling psychologists.

I have to say that I was also extremely impressed. These people were very helpful to me, and not at all doctrinaire or controlling or creepy or anything. On the one hand they did mostly listen, and didn't impose any theories of their own onto my life. But on the other hand they asked really insightful questions, that I would not have come up with on my own. I probably wouldn't have gotten them from family or friends, either; and if I had, I probably wouldn't have taken them as seriously as I should have.

These people earn their fees, in my experience. It's not just about having been in a cult. Counseling works and it helps people.

 

[xstaffWPB]

Very awesome Good Twin! I admire your courage. I know after the endless "anti-Psyche" crap crammed down one's throat by the cult, it's not easy to then seek the help of a Therapist, Psychologist or Psychiatrist. It almost feels hypocrital to do so. I remember being so "anti-Psyche", that I actually picketted a Psych Institution right before I joined staff in 1978.

It wasn't until after leaving the cult that I finally seeked out their help. I was able, for the first time, to fully feel the pain and acknowledge being sexually abused as a child. I remember barely touching on that in a Qual Cycle at the Miami Org and actually being laughed at by Qual Sec.

I agree that having a viewpoint of "not being a victim" is, generally speaking, a healthy way to go through life. But until a person can actually feel and fully acknowledge times when they themselves were victims, it's about impossible to fully know and understand yourself.

Quite recently, my girlfriend was in Psychiatric hospital for 3 days. All the Scn anti-Psyche crap kicked in and I was sincerely worried for her safety there. When I actually went there to visit her during her stay, I was overwhelmed by the genuine kindness and compassion of every Nurse and staff member that I met and spoke with. It was so totally the opposite of the crap spewed by the cult.

I'm very happy that you have found someone you can talk with on such a deep, personal, and non-judgmental level. You so deserve that. g