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I still have nightmares, a year later.

I left Scientology as a staff member about a year ago, and I still have weekly nightmares about being back on staff. Sometimes they are about things I experienced while on staff, and sometimes I find myself back on staff knowing that I had once left. I generally feel a lot of anxiety in these dreams, I start to freak out and cry because I know that my life is over, and I wonder how could I ever be back here again. I probably have 1-3 nightmares a week that revolve around being on staff. I wish I could get these out of my head.
 

Free to shine

Shiny & Free
Hi... you're not alone in this, there are quite a few stories and threads that deal with the after effects of such a high stress environment. Perhaps do a search on "nightmares" here and see what comes up.

Your life is not over, it is just beginning anew, and now you can actually choose what to do, what to think about, to relax, to eat well, to laugh and to live.

Don't be scared to get professional help as well, this is Post Traumatic stress stuff and even if a counsellor doesn't know all the ins and outs, a supporting ear can help a lot.
You are not alone.
 

JennMint

Patron
I am so very sorry that you are going through so much. You are definitely in my thoughts. I hope that, in time, you are able to find some peace.
 

Sharone Stainforth

Silver Meritorious Patron
What Free to Shine said is good advice.

When I left as a child, I suffered nightmares for many years on and off. I think it's perfectly natural after the traumas you have been through.

Then I didn't have them for years, having blocked them from my mind. Six years ago after an encounter with an e-meter, I started having the night mares again. PSTD is far more prevalent in Ex scientologists than one could possibly imagine and it takes a lot to recover from.I was very ill for about a year and it took all my strength and determinism to conquer this, initially it would have been very easy to give up, but something I learned long ago was I was not prepared to give Scientology the satisfaction.

Stay strong, avoid stress. Do get outside help, even if it is just talking to other people who have suffered similar or the same problems. Better yet, get some professional help, not all psychiatry or main stream counseling is the big ogre Scientology makes you believe.But do be very careful not to get counseling from bogus Scientology practitioners who advertise their "expertise" as bonafides in our society.More scientology under any other name is not going to help your condition.

I also personally recommend long walks in the countryside, observing nature can be very uplifting and a stress reliever. It might not be for everyone, but one of the biggest helps for me was facing my fears head on, initially this was even more stressful but as time has gone on, those fears have subsided. Protesting against Scientology, which was my biggest and deepest, darkest fear has had remarkable results in my healing.

Something I have always had trouble with is reaching out to people for help. This was ingrained in me as a child, not to put "entheta" on other people's lines. This is also a method of control and stops you seeking help when it is most needed.

There are many people who will help you, don't be afraid to ask for help.

I wish you all the best.

Sharone
 

GoNuclear

Gold Meritorious Patron
I left Scientology as a staff member about a year ago, and I still have weekly nightmares about being back on staff. Sometimes they are about things I experienced while on staff, and sometimes I find myself back on staff knowing that I had once left. I generally feel a lot of anxiety in these dreams, I start to freak out and cry because I know that my life is over, and I wonder how could I ever be back here again. I probably have 1-3 nightmares a week that revolve around being on staff. I wish I could get these out of my head.

You're not alone. I got out of the Navy over 30 years ago, and still have dreams from time to time of being back on watch in the engineroom of a submarine, complete with all the heat, minor steam leaks, noise, piping, etc. and the stench of the lube oil used for the shaft and main engines. And its not even like that was a bad deal for me at the time, but it did make an impression.

Pete
 

GoNuclear

Gold Meritorious Patron
I left Scientology as a staff member about a year ago, and I still have weekly nightmares about being back on staff. Sometimes they are about things I experienced while on staff, and sometimes I find myself back on staff knowing that I had once left. I generally feel a lot of anxiety in these dreams, I start to freak out and cry because I know that my life is over, and I wonder how could I ever be back here again. I probably have 1-3 nightmares a week that revolve around being on staff. I wish I could get these out of my head.

I've done numerous song parodies about Scientology, so I have one for almost every occaision. Check this one out.

Pete

[FONT= "arial"]
My Time On Staff
(Parody of The Way We Were, apologies to Barbara Streisand)

Memories,
Playing havoc in my mind,
Stinking rotten foul memories,
Of my time on staff.

Inval’s recalled,
EO’s chewing my behind,
Taught to betray one another,
In my time on staff.

How was I so simple minded then?
I believed Ron’s every written line.
If I had the chance to do it all over again,
I would flee, and stay free.

Memories,
Of such sorrow and regret,
Just too painful to remember,
Yet I simply can’t forget.

But my declare,
I remember with laughter,
Whenever I remember,
My time on staff,
My time on staff.
[/FONT]
 

FoTi

Crusader
I left Scientology as a staff member about a year ago, and I still have weekly nightmares about being back on staff. Sometimes they are about things I experienced while on staff, and sometimes I find myself back on staff knowing that I had once left. I generally feel a lot of anxiety in these dreams, I start to freak out and cry because I know that my life is over, and I wonder how could I ever be back here again. I probably have 1-3 nightmares a week that revolve around being on staff. I wish I could get these out of my head.

You might try B1, along with Vitamin C and either Peter Gillham's Calm or Cal Mag.

I use this once in a while and it always works for me.
 

Emma

Con te partirò
Administrator
10 years away from staff & I still have nightmares. They aren't as bad or as often as they used to me but I still get them. They usually involve me getting somehow sucked back in to this group and winding up on staff again (even though I know all that I know now).

Keep reading, keep posting & slowly your mind will sort it out. It does take time though. I'm sorry this is happening to you.
 

Smilla

Ordinary Human
Dreams are often a person's mind attempting to integrate unusual, or perhaps traumatic experiences, so they are not a sign of pathology unless they are seriously intrusive and unpleasant. They are attempts at self-healing.

If they become intrusive and disturbing to the extent that they are dreaded, or leave you feeling disturbed or upset upon waking, I would consider some non-intrusive, person-centred counselling. I went that route, and it helped me a lot. I still have the dreams occasionally, but not at the same intensity, and they're not as upsetting. Nowhere near.
 

Whitedove

Patron Meritorious
Same here. I've been out for what now? 11-12 years and I still get nightmares.

I guess it is our subconscious helping us understanding our feelings about what happened to us.

I would not call them nightmares but more like bad dreams, the fact that I am trapped. I want to cme back home but I cant because I dont have money or not enough time. There is all kind of scenarios in my dream but they all have thi similarity. Being trapped and not being able to get away for different reasons.

If you read Steven Hassan book 'combatting cult mind control' often people developed anxiety and/or depression after they leave a cult. I have GAD which is generalized anxiety disorder and mild depression and am very sensitive to stress now. But it took me 10 years to accept it and to accept my limits now. I will never be like I was but I am ok with who I am now. And what my limits are.

Anyway, I think many of us here do get nightmares. It is a common trait between ex $scientologists. So you are not alone. :hug:
 

rich

Silver Meritorious Patron
Don't take the seratonin re-uptake inhibitors for nightmares. They are unnatural and a drug. God will work it out for you, given time.
 

Whitedove

Patron Meritorious
Hi... you're not alone in this, there are quite a few stories and threads that deal with the after effects of such a high stress environment. Perhaps do a search on "nightmares" here and see what comes up.

Your life is not over, it is just beginning anew, and now you can actually choose what to do, what to think about, to relax, to eat well, to laugh and to live.

Don't be scared to get professional help as well, this is Post Traumatic stress stuff and even if a counsellor doesn't know all the ins and outs, a supporting ear can help a lot.
You are not alone.

You are right FTS, PTS is also very common. I had counselling and I mentioned my involvment with $cientology but somehow it was never approached as if not that important. And, it is one huge reason I am the way I am now.

I tried to find a counselor where I live for people like me but unfortunately I have not find any.

There is sooooooooooooooooooooooo much I could tell a counselor. Although, thank god for a place like this (it helps) but we need special counseling to really help us heal faster. I believe
 

Whitedove

Patron Meritorious
Don't take the seratonin re-uptake inhibitors for nightmares. They are unnatural and a drug. God will work it out for you, given time.

I am not advocating anti-depressants but dont put all the apples in the same basket.
Some people dont have a choice. Most people dont need them but some of us do.
My reaction to the stress I went through was so high that it affected me mentally and physically and without an AD I would of not been able to function.

But as I said, this is really a case to case situation.

BTW, I am no zombie or weired or different. It just calm my nervous system that went out of control with all the stress I went through. I was already more fragile even before scientology. scientology just made it worst and finally all hell broke lose.
but I dont recommend it unless a person have no other choice.
 

Smilla

Ordinary Human
Don't take the seratonin re-uptake inhibitors for nightmares. They are unnatural and a drug. God will work it out for you, given time.

Some people need them, and there's absolutely no shame in that.

The key phrase here is Quality of Life. If a person is so unhappy or anxious that their quality of life is rock-bottom, medication is an option that can, and probably should be considered, alongside anything else that might help.

There are no hard and fast rules here - everybody is different, and what works for one, might not work for another.

It's a good idea to examine every option.
 
When I think back to the errors and crimes I don't get upset amymore.

The way I got over it was to put things in perspective.

In 1941-1942 the city in the video was under attack. To make things worse, the country's own leader was one of the most repressive tyrants in history.

But the grandparents of these kids in this video fought to protect their homeland.

They suffered over one million casualties just defending this city.

And they did it not for the leader, but for their children and future generations.

Here is that future generation; I think it was worth it.

http://youtu.be/KgoapkOo4vg

Put on the Ritz and go and enjoy life.

The nightmares will fade.

The Anabaptist Jacques
 

Smilla

Ordinary Human
I am not advocating anti-depressants but dont put all the apples in the same basket.
Some people dont have a choice. Most people dont need them but some of us do.
My reaction to the stress I went through was so high that it affected me mentally and physically and without an AD I would of not been able to function.

But as I said, this is really a case to case situation.

BTW, I am no zombie or weired or different. It just calm my nervous system that went out of control with all the stress I went through. I was already more fragile even before scientology. scientology just made it worst and finally all hell broke lose.
but I dont recommend it unless a person have no other choice.

Whitedove: I greatly admire your honesty and courage in speaking about your struggle, and I wish you all the good that life can give.
 

Whitedove

Patron Meritorious
Whitedove: I greatly admire your honesty and courage in speaking about your struggle, and I wish you all the good that life can give.

Thank you Smilla :hug:

The reason I am talking about it is because there might be someone out there that might need a similar kind of help but wont do it because of the hate of psychiiatry in scientology.

I want to show them it is OK to seek that kind of help if that is what they need.

As I said, unless absolutely necessary, I dont recommend ADs. I recommend therapy yes. But if your mind and body are out of control than chances are ADs are the solution.

Thank you for your kind words Smilla. :)
 

NoName

A Girl Has No Name
BTW, for the benefit of the OP and any lurkers - I went to a counsellor (psychologist who can't legally prescribe). The papers I got from the office explained a referral process for medications, if they were needed. I told her I wanted counselling, but did not want to take medications of any kind. She was extremely respectful of that, and the topic of medications never came up again. We did mostly talk therapy & cognitive behavrioral problem solving type things.

I only bring this up to point out that no one will force you into anything against your will. A decent therapist will respect your wishes if you don't want drugs.
 
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