I Stood Tall (My story)

StickbyMe

Patron with Honors
Thanks so much for writing that.

I think your story is full of reality and in fact many others out there will identify with it. I was young when I joined and I remember that unique comradeship and excitement at 'helping save the planet'. I also remember the dashed hopes and the disappointment when it finally hits home that all is not as we thought.

The loss of innocence and the exploitation of the young is horrendous to me now.

I don't think you should be ashamed of those dreams, it was an (apparently) noble purpose. Just the wrong vehicle.

And your thread title is great!

Thank you. It means a lot to hear that. I can't believe what a great community this is.

And I totally forgot to mention that at 6'6" I still totally stand tall.
 

Adam7986

Declared SP
Hi SBM,,

thank you. That was awesome. It brought tears to my eyes. My recruiter ended up on the RPF. I started to doubt myself right about then. He was the HAS AOLA.

I remember all the people that were my friends leaving the SO. I remember how I used to cry.

I didn't used to tell people about scientology, but I do now. I tell them to stay away. I tell them how horrible it feels to have your emotions screwed with so bad. to be so heavily brainwashed.

Your story spoke to me. I was 15 when I went in. I spent my 18th birthday routing out. Me and my dormmate went out 2D. It was awesome, but we got caught and ratted out by some prick there. I didn't realize why they offloaded me so quick until a few years later when I realized I was still a minor and he was not.

I want to cry right now thinking about all the friends that came and went.

I know the crazy eyes you are talking about. There's a kid I knew, about my age he holds a pretty high post on sr hco pac. He was a stuck up prick when I was with him at flag. I bet he's great at emotionally abusing his staff.

Every time my parents say he tell's them how great my brother is doing I cringe and don't have the heart to tell them about the times my senior would tell my parents how great I was doing and shortly after they left scream at me for wasting time on post while talking to them. I was 16 being yelled at for talking to my parents.

Dammit man. You're making me cry again.

If you ever want to have a chat I bet we'd get along great. FB, Skype, texting, phone call. Whatever dude. I'd love to talk to someone with such a similar story to mine.
 

StickbyMe

Patron with Honors
If you ever want to have a chat I bet we'd get along great. FB, Skype, texting, phone call. Whatever dude. I'd love to talk to someone with such a similar story to mine.

Adam, I'm sorry for what you went through. I'd be happy to talk to you sometime. Now that I'm really confronting this part of my past, I'd like to get to know more people like myself.

I'll PM you my gmail information if you like. I'm reading your story right now, so we'll have something to talk about.

No more need for tears, my friend. As the song goes, "We broke down the walls of darkness; we stand tall."
 

BunnySkull

Silver Meritorious Patron
Did I miss something? Im curious how you went from gung ho Scientologist (even after leaving the SO) to realizing it's a dangerous cult? In your post it kind of went from talking about how you planned to pay off you FReeloader debt, and avoiding South Park to now your friends not knowing you CoS and it being a sham.

What made you change your opinions or thinking about Scientology?
 

StickbyMe

Patron with Honors
Did I miss something? Im curious how you went from gung ho Scientologist (even after leaving the SO) to realizing it's a dangerous cult? In your post it kind of went from talking about how you planned to pay off you FReeloader debt, and avoiding South Park to now your friends not knowing you CoS and it being a sham.

What made you change your opinions or thinking about Scientology?

I'm not sure I can explain it. It wasn't some life changing event. The thing is in order to be there you have to have 100% faith that you are doing the right thing. You are constantly bombarded with these ideas that the world is going to shit and we are the only ones who can save it. This is the most sane group on Earth, they tell you. You have to believe it all the way. When you leave, little chinks start to appear in the wall and eventually it crumbles. That's how it went for me. Nothing Earth shattering, just all the little cracks eventually added up.

There's a PL by LRH called Keeping Scientology Working. He talks about how you can't be open-minded about Scn. If you're there, you have to be there full on. He was right. The minute you start to question, it leads to more questioning.

As for the danger, I didn't get the worst of it. I came out a little older, a lot skinnier and pretty confused about life. Nobody broke my fingers or spit on me. Our crew at EUS wouldn't have done that, I think. Maybe a couple. But I would wager that most exes are more like me than you think. Maybe because they haven't suffered the atrocities, they aren't so motivated to post about their experiences. Most of us didn't get beaten up or thrown in the hole or RPFed. Most of us just fizzled out and went home and tried to move on with things.

I still haven't shaken it all. There have been times I would have liked to talk to a therapist, but I find the idea difficult, due to my time in Scn. I don't like painkillers, even ibuprofen and I still eschew scented products. I wonder if I'll ever really throw Hubbard's yoke off my back.
 

Adam7986

Declared SP
Bunny,

It happened similarly for me too. I went through what I went through. I paid some on my freeloaders debt and even bought a few releases. It was a real gradual transition for me. It wasn't until I started studying cognitive dissonance and other parts of psychology that I started to understand what was happening in Scientology. There was no super dramatic event that caused it. I had been kicked out of the Sea Org about 6 years before I started to question Scientology, 7 years before I started to watch the South Park, 8 years before I started to read up on Anti Scn stuff and then 9 years before I finally read the OT materials and said f*ck this sh*t.
 

Adam7986

Declared SP
Wow SBM you're like my long lost twin. I swear. We have such similar stories. I have not seen a single person that's story hits as close to home as your's does. I wish I had met you while you were in the SO, but I was at PAC Base and then at FLAG for a while.

You seem like a cool dude, smart too.

You should study up on psychology like I did. Start with Cognitive Dissonance and move onto the other stuff.

If you have the patience read up on Cognitive Dissonance here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_dissonance
 

Outethicsofficer

Silver Meritorious Patron
I'm not sure I can explain it. It wasn't some life changing event. The thing is in order to be there you have to have 100% faith that you are doing the right thing. You are constantly bombarded with these ideas that the world is going to shit and we are the only ones who can save it. This is the most sane group on Earth, they tell you. You have to believe it all the way. When you leave, little chinks start to appear in the wall and eventually it crumbles. That's how it went for me. Nothing Earth shattering, just all the little cracks eventually added up.

There's a PL by LRH called Keeping Scientology Working. He talks about how you can't be open-minded about Scn. If you're there, you have to be there full on. He was right. The minute you start to question, it leads to more questioning.

As for the danger, I didn't get the worst of it. I came out a little older, a lot skinnier and pretty confused about life. Nobody broke my fingers or spit on me. Our crew at EUS wouldn't have done that, I think. Maybe a couple. But I would wager that most exes are more like me than you think. Maybe because they haven't suffered the atrocities, they aren't so motivated to post about their experiences. Most of us didn't get beaten up or thrown in the hole or RPFed. Most of us just fizzled out and went home and tried to move on with things.

I still haven't shaken it all. There have been times I would have liked to talk to a therapist, but I find the idea difficult, due to my time in Scn. I don't like painkillers, even ibuprofen and I still eschew scented products. I wonder if I'll ever really throw Hubbard's yoke off my back.

Nice posting.

The damage isn't always obvious as in blunt force trauma, it is actually quite insidious and by and large more dangerous than one thinks. It is the likes of what you describe in your last paragraph that many of us deal with even years later.
 

Mary

Patron with Honors
I'm not sure I can explain it. It wasn't some life changing event. The thing is in order to be there you have to have 100% faith that you are doing the right thing. You are constantly bombarded with these ideas that the world is going to shit and we are the only ones who can save it. This is the most sane group on Earth, they tell you. You have to believe it all the way. When you leave, little chinks start to appear in the wall and eventually it crumbles. That's how it went for me. Nothing Earth shattering, just all the little cracks eventually added up.

There's a PL by LRH called Keeping Scientology Working. He talks about how you can't be open-minded about Scn. If you're there, you have to be there full on. He was right. The minute you start to question, it leads to more questioning.

As for the danger, I didn't get the worst of it. I came out a little older, a lot skinnier and pretty confused about life. Nobody broke my fingers or spit on me. Our crew at EUS wouldn't have done that, I think. Maybe a couple. But I would wager that most exes are more like me than you think. Maybe because they haven't suffered the atrocities, they aren't so motivated to post about their experiences. Most of us didn't get beaten up or thrown in the hole or RPFed. Most of us just fizzled out and went home and tried to move on with things.

I still haven't shaken it all. There have been times I would have liked to talk to a therapist, but I find the idea difficult, due to my time in Scn. I don't like painkillers, even ibuprofen and I still eschew scented products. I wonder if I'll ever really throw Hubbard's yoke off my back.

Thanks so much for the posts. I suspect you have great potential and will put all that creative energy and abilities to very good use for whatever excellent cause that you choose. Re-joining the human race can be very rewarding and lots of fun.:)
 

Cherished

Silver Meritorious Patron
This is a great thread. Thanks for sharing your story, StickbyMe. I was never in Scn, and I'm committed to helping end the abuses of the CoS, but it's great to read a story of someone whose experience in the church - and in the Sea Org! - overall was positive. Or at least had lots of positives in it.

I love your optimistic outlook and the way you seemed to bounce through those times - at least that's the tone now.

I had a bbq with friends on the weekend and one asked me if scientologists are crazy. I was able honestly to say that lots of the former members of the church that I've met are really terrific people. Most don't know what happens at the core (the SO). That holds true. But most of the former SO that I've met I've also liked or even really liked. Your story takes this a bit further. It says that there are pockets or parts of the Sea Org where it's possible for people to be feeling pretty okay about what's happening. Perhaps even happy.

I'd love to know when you routed out.

Stick around. I like you. :)
 

StickbyMe

Patron with Honors
I had a bbq with friends on the weekend and one asked me if scientologists are crazy. I was able honestly to say that lots of the former members of the church that I've met are really terrific people. Most don't know what happens at the core (the SO). That holds true. But most of the former SO that I've met I've also liked or even really liked. Your story takes this a bit further. It says that there are pockets or parts of the Sea Org where it's possible for people to be feeling pretty okay about what's happening. Perhaps even happy.

I'd love to know when you routed out.

Stick around. I like you. :)

Thanks Cherub. You're absolutely right. It's not that hard to be happy in the Sea Org. Even the big names that have defected recently were happy for a long time before they left. Or they wouldn't have stayed for so long. As for what happens at the core, there are a few misguided souls that make it miserable, but I didn't know a single SO member who joined out of a desire to get rich stealing from people, and I never saw a hand get raised.

One of the most genius things LRH did was tell us that SPs were insidious. They could supposedly be convincing enough to rise to the top of the ranks. That is very helpful when you are asking yourself "How could my friend who has been serving since he was 16 years old be an SP?"

As for when I routed out, around 2006. It's sad that there aren't more of my comrades in arms here on the forum. Most are still in. I just found out one girl went BACK in after leaving. I'll be here when they're ready.
 

Kookaburra

Gold Meritorious Patron
Thanks Cherub. You're absolutely right. It's not that hard to be happy in the Sea Org. Even the big names that have defected recently were happy for a long time before they left. Or they wouldn't have stayed for so long. As for what happens at the core, there are a few misguided souls that make it miserable, but I didn't know a single SO member who joined out of a desire to get rich stealing from people, and I never saw a hand get raised.

One of the most genius things LRH did was tell us that SPs were insidious. They could supposedly be convincing enough to rise to the top of the ranks. That is very helpful when you are asking yourself "How could my friend who has been serving since he was 16 years old be an SP?"

As for when I routed out, around 2006. It's sad that there aren't more of my comrades in arms here on the forum. Most are still in. I just found out one girl went BACK in after leaving. I'll be here when they're ready.

Thanks for the story, SBM. It seems very representative of many peoples experiences in the SO. Some shitty times, some good times, mostly dedicated young people working their asses off for a cause, getting nowhere, seeing the outpoints, never getting auditing, often in ethics trouble, friends disappearing....this has happened to thousands of us.

It is good that you are now talking about your experience. This board is a good place to sort out the residual effect of Scn and come to terms with that part of your life. It is good that you can now tell people that you were in Scn. And answer that inevitable question, "How could anyone be stupid enough to get into Scn?" I don't know how many times I have had to explain just how that happens to some stranger at a demonstration.

You can be here for others escaping from the cult. Every story of those who came before helps them. Use your experience to warn young people what to look out for and how not to get sidetracked from their life.

Thank-you for writing your story.
 

BardoThodol

Silver Meritorious Patron
Educational systems are designed to condition a child so he/she becomes a "productive member of society." In the USA, we're conditioned to be good workers, compliant members of the military/industrial complex.

Learning how to think or analyze has little to do with the experience-- despite claims otherwise.

While reading what you wrote about Delphi, it occurred to me how thoroughly they were indoctrinating students into the totalitarian ideal of obedience.

You must follow the rules!

Really all about making OTs Scientology style: accept what you're told, never question it, your needle is floating, now you're OT.
 

BardoThodol

Silver Meritorious Patron
StickbyMe,

Reading your OP reminded me of how much fun falling in love can be. I've had some wonderful experiences in life; falling in love was always near the top.

Odd how the church discourages falling in love. How falling in love becomes "out 2D."

Absolutely nuts.

All those hormones dancing around, wanting to party, and the church says, "bad dog."
 

Arthur Dent

Silver Meritorious Patron
Hey Stickbyme,
Welcome!! So glad to hear your story. Makes me wanna print it out and hand it out to all those Div 6ers in front of orgs everywhere. Yours was a very real, average Joe, account of the day to day and I think it's very valuable. (no offence meant there, I hardly think you're an average Joe!) I mean that it didn't involve corporal punishment and abuse but accurately shows the futile mind-set and the extreme emotional highs that are quite the trap.
Best of luck to you!
 

Ladybird

Silver Meritorious Patron
StickbyMe,

Reading your OP reminded me of how much fun falling in love can be. I've had some wonderful experiences in life; falling in love was always near the top.

Odd how the church discourages falling in love. How falling in love becomes "out 2D."

Absolutely nuts.

All those hormones dancing around, wanting to party, and the church says, "bad dog."


Hell+Fire.gif
 
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StickbyMe

Patron with Honors
Reading your OP reminded me of how much fun falling in love can be. I've had some wonderful experiences in life; falling in love was always near the top.

You kind of hit the nail on the head. Regarding the poster who asked how I went from leaving but wanting to stay in to becoming a disillusioned ex:

I fell in love with Scientology. I gave it my heart. Regardless of everything I did, it didn't last. When you first break up with somebody, you still love them. It's only as time goes on that you can see how awful they really were. You ask yourself, how could I have spent my time with somebody who was so awful to me? How could I have loved them like that? And eventually you get to the point where you don't want to check their facebook and you don't want to call them when you feel sad.

There's nothing harder than having felt love like that and not feeling it anymore. Maybe that's why we're all so angry.
 
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