Dave
Patron
From the time I was a baby my dad filled my head with stories of L. Ron Hubbard.
He told me of fantastic gains mom had with auditing and I heard how he told my mom "I'm going to buy this book, Dianetics, (from an ad in his Sci-Fi Mag), and I'm going to cure your eczema"
The story goes that he did both. LRH was my dad’s hero and soon became mine. We didn't have a Santa Claus; we had the Old Man of the Mountain and LRH
When dad told me that Arthur Hubbard had gone clear, he was reading some magazine and I was 7 and I remember thinking I had 3 years to be the youngest clear on the planet. Dad also told me that Hubbard only needed 10% of the population clear to turn the trick, save the planet essentially.
I wanted to be the youngest clear on the planet. Irony of ironies it seems that I had already been cleared in my previous life. But that understanding would come much later.
My one Scientology friend and me would play what would you do if you were OT? And talk of space ships depositing theatens in hail and the reasons we can’t get off planet.
I was 7 years old. My best friend was Andy Bagley’s son Conan. Andy was a bit of a celebrity in the Scientology Portland Org area during the 60’s.
We were talking about implant stations and History of Man alien stuff at that age. To me being OT meant I could control a paper airplane and fly it around. I was told at that age that this was a prison planet and that we could not leave this solar system, that when we die we are captured again and re-trapped life after life in a never ending story of stagnation. This is what Hubbard meant to change. This is the freedom I sought and why nothing else mattered.
That was the prize, to rejoin the rest of Galactic humanity. This was my reality at 7 years old. These were my dreams and nightmares.
I went about my life, always feeling I knew something others did not. I remember in 6th grade wanting to clear my 6th grade class but I knew that they didn't even know there was a problem. Truth is I was always an outcast, a loaner and not popular.
Unfortunately I also had too much and too little information. Dad had a lot of first edition books, PABS and such around. I knew the game was to run bank as pictures but my hidden shame was I could not see pictures. I didn’t have a bank. How could Dianetics work on me? How could I be saved?
Based on my inability to see pictures (and being depressed a lot) and having access to a scale which had on one side a pcs visuals in auditing and on the other side the condition of the case.
At the top was no pictures. That meant no case
At the bottom was no pictures. which meant the case was occluded or BLACK 5 OCCLUDED CASE
Since I had never had auditing, and I certainly did not feel any clear, I figured I was a black 5. That of course meant I was some evil bastard on the whole track, or at least that is how I interpreted it. That was a withhold since I was 12 years old. I was really an SP, The tech wouldn't work for me, and I was in effect forever doomed.
And yes I had all of this figured out on my own by the time I was in Junior High School. My best friend and only Scientology friend told me about his auditing, and how he could look at pictures like a card catalogue, and my brother, same story and here I am with no pictures. DOOMED
I didn't dare trust myself yet there was no one I could tell. I tried to tell a Scientologist that ran a meeting at my parent’s house. I waited for him to finish and politely told him I could not see pictures. He said "of course you can, close your eyes, look at a cat... see?", and then went away leaving me looking at a black spot where I was told a cat would be.
That is the last time until now that I have mentioned this little withhold. It has become irrelevant.
I had myself so convinced that I was an SP, that when I would read that part in the ethics book, that if I thought I was SP then I most certainly was not? It was not relief.
I calculated it this way.
Since I knew that if I thought I was SP I could not be SP,
And an SP will deny at all costs being SP,
So I figured that I was sort of outsmarting myself into believing I was SP
So I could convince myself ultimately that I was not SP
To cover the fact that I really was in fact SP.
If that sounds simple you try it. Just remember SASST
"I could not be" that denial was itself condemnation. I had convinced myself to doubt myself to prove to myself that I was not and therefore I was...
This was real for me. This was my childhood.
So here I was a child Scientologist, in the 60's, who had no recollection of past life clearing. In fact I should mention that I had such doubt that when Hubbard published the Natural clear material, I was on the RPF at the time, and I stood reading it after a muster, and all I can remember is reading the past life clear and my jaw dropped. I was thinking both, Oh my god that is what happened, and that is impossible, and then asked myself an auditing question "when" and it came to me. 1947. But I was not born until 55 and even dianetics was 50. So that made no sense.
It was only later that I ran into an obscure PAB from the late 40s that talked about a clearing technique that as-ised the entire whole track without inspection. Not the pictures but the mechanism itself. He claimed that he never could train any one else to do it so dropped it a valid processing. He also claimed that he had done this a few times and that he had made sure to keep track of those people. Sort of a one shot clear or along that sort of line.
I can tell you that is not true in my case. I am fairly sure that I walked into Hubbard’s office one day when he was being a swami dude and I walked out completely different in a way I could not handle and soon died. No one helped me understand what had happened and it was devastating.
Just try to think without your pictures. This life I learned to operate on KNOW but I could never explain how I knew. I had no data or pictures just certainty. That’s kinda messed up.
Since I have no whole track to stick pictures on it seems I have to create pictures but that doesn't help auditing does it.
After about 30 years I finally figured out that what I needed was to get my body old enough to audit without any serious trauma, run some rudiments, and do my OT3. I finally figured out that I had been in the non-interference zone for nearly 40 years.
This story is getting long and I am not even in High School. But this is also still the 60s and this story has yet to get started.
This is most certainly to be continued.
He told me of fantastic gains mom had with auditing and I heard how he told my mom "I'm going to buy this book, Dianetics, (from an ad in his Sci-Fi Mag), and I'm going to cure your eczema"
The story goes that he did both. LRH was my dad’s hero and soon became mine. We didn't have a Santa Claus; we had the Old Man of the Mountain and LRH
When dad told me that Arthur Hubbard had gone clear, he was reading some magazine and I was 7 and I remember thinking I had 3 years to be the youngest clear on the planet. Dad also told me that Hubbard only needed 10% of the population clear to turn the trick, save the planet essentially.
I wanted to be the youngest clear on the planet. Irony of ironies it seems that I had already been cleared in my previous life. But that understanding would come much later.
My one Scientology friend and me would play what would you do if you were OT? And talk of space ships depositing theatens in hail and the reasons we can’t get off planet.
I was 7 years old. My best friend was Andy Bagley’s son Conan. Andy was a bit of a celebrity in the Scientology Portland Org area during the 60’s.
We were talking about implant stations and History of Man alien stuff at that age. To me being OT meant I could control a paper airplane and fly it around. I was told at that age that this was a prison planet and that we could not leave this solar system, that when we die we are captured again and re-trapped life after life in a never ending story of stagnation. This is what Hubbard meant to change. This is the freedom I sought and why nothing else mattered.
That was the prize, to rejoin the rest of Galactic humanity. This was my reality at 7 years old. These were my dreams and nightmares.
I went about my life, always feeling I knew something others did not. I remember in 6th grade wanting to clear my 6th grade class but I knew that they didn't even know there was a problem. Truth is I was always an outcast, a loaner and not popular.
Unfortunately I also had too much and too little information. Dad had a lot of first edition books, PABS and such around. I knew the game was to run bank as pictures but my hidden shame was I could not see pictures. I didn’t have a bank. How could Dianetics work on me? How could I be saved?
Based on my inability to see pictures (and being depressed a lot) and having access to a scale which had on one side a pcs visuals in auditing and on the other side the condition of the case.
At the top was no pictures. That meant no case
At the bottom was no pictures. which meant the case was occluded or BLACK 5 OCCLUDED CASE
Since I had never had auditing, and I certainly did not feel any clear, I figured I was a black 5. That of course meant I was some evil bastard on the whole track, or at least that is how I interpreted it. That was a withhold since I was 12 years old. I was really an SP, The tech wouldn't work for me, and I was in effect forever doomed.
And yes I had all of this figured out on my own by the time I was in Junior High School. My best friend and only Scientology friend told me about his auditing, and how he could look at pictures like a card catalogue, and my brother, same story and here I am with no pictures. DOOMED
I didn't dare trust myself yet there was no one I could tell. I tried to tell a Scientologist that ran a meeting at my parent’s house. I waited for him to finish and politely told him I could not see pictures. He said "of course you can, close your eyes, look at a cat... see?", and then went away leaving me looking at a black spot where I was told a cat would be.
That is the last time until now that I have mentioned this little withhold. It has become irrelevant.
I had myself so convinced that I was an SP, that when I would read that part in the ethics book, that if I thought I was SP then I most certainly was not? It was not relief.
I calculated it this way.
Since I knew that if I thought I was SP I could not be SP,
And an SP will deny at all costs being SP,
So I figured that I was sort of outsmarting myself into believing I was SP
So I could convince myself ultimately that I was not SP
To cover the fact that I really was in fact SP.
If that sounds simple you try it. Just remember SASST
"I could not be" that denial was itself condemnation. I had convinced myself to doubt myself to prove to myself that I was not and therefore I was...
This was real for me. This was my childhood.
So here I was a child Scientologist, in the 60's, who had no recollection of past life clearing. In fact I should mention that I had such doubt that when Hubbard published the Natural clear material, I was on the RPF at the time, and I stood reading it after a muster, and all I can remember is reading the past life clear and my jaw dropped. I was thinking both, Oh my god that is what happened, and that is impossible, and then asked myself an auditing question "when" and it came to me. 1947. But I was not born until 55 and even dianetics was 50. So that made no sense.
It was only later that I ran into an obscure PAB from the late 40s that talked about a clearing technique that as-ised the entire whole track without inspection. Not the pictures but the mechanism itself. He claimed that he never could train any one else to do it so dropped it a valid processing. He also claimed that he had done this a few times and that he had made sure to keep track of those people. Sort of a one shot clear or along that sort of line.
I can tell you that is not true in my case. I am fairly sure that I walked into Hubbard’s office one day when he was being a swami dude and I walked out completely different in a way I could not handle and soon died. No one helped me understand what had happened and it was devastating.
Just try to think without your pictures. This life I learned to operate on KNOW but I could never explain how I knew. I had no data or pictures just certainty. That’s kinda messed up.
Since I have no whole track to stick pictures on it seems I have to create pictures but that doesn't help auditing does it.
After about 30 years I finally figured out that what I needed was to get my body old enough to audit without any serious trauma, run some rudiments, and do my OT3. I finally figured out that I had been in the non-interference zone for nearly 40 years.
This story is getting long and I am not even in High School. But this is also still the 60s and this story has yet to get started.
This is most certainly to be continued.
