I'm done

Free to shine

Shiny & Free
It is a funny thing, but I have a tendency to log into ESMB as daily habit and get a bit anxious if I don't. I am in a very real sense addicted.

Now it is not necessarily a bad addiction, but right now I am supposed to be sketching out an essay on Ezra Pound and Imagism. But here I am bearing my soul.

The board being down and my resulting undertone of anxiety brought it home to me that I need to change this, I accept that I am an addictive personality, but I am sure that I need to wean myself off of the need to stay connected to the who engrossing scientology game even though I have changed teams, it is still same essential 'need' that is being fed by this maintained connection.

I was just thinking about this, I am passionate about the T.S. Eliots, the Ezra Pounds, Yeats, Brezeska, Vorticism and the whole modernist movement. once I get the money and another book out of the way I aim to do my MA in Medieval and Renaissance studies.

So what the fuck am I doing faffing around within the ruins of my former life in a nutty cult run by a psychopathic midget?

I suppose it is at least in part the same reason that once successful family men and women sleep in cold damp doorways and give blow jobs to perverts in order to pay for their next fix.

I am still trying figure this 'need' thing out.

Ethercat marked the moment of my exiting Scientology, maybe she will now mark my exiting the more peripheral yet no less seductive ex-scientology movement?

The need to "move on" has been discussed before and it's a very interesting one. Who is the judge for timing the interest in any subject?

For those of us who were exclusively involved with scientology for decades, coming to understand why that happened and learn and heal from it can also take decades. That may seem a depressing thought but I don't see it that way. I am hungry to learn, and what better subject than our own roots and thought processes?

It's the reason I have spent so much time here, though the passion did move from self understanding towards activism and sharing experience with others. Just when you think you are over it, you read something else and another jigsaw piece you didn't know about falls into place. As you grow and change yet another layer of indoctrination can be revealed and it hits you out of left field. I think that in part explains the need ... for me it's the need to understand those hidden things, combined with a passionate desire to see some justice done.

For sure normal daily life and other challenges are just as important, and many people find their answers and move on as a natural process. But if you have to internally fight that, then IMO there is a reason, and what harm does it do to stick around? You can't just dismiss a large portion of your life, well not very successfully anyway. Scientology influenced who we are, what we experienced and as long as they are still hurting people I for one am sticking around.
 

still here

Patron with Honors
There have been some wonderful posts here, and I agree with FTS, that when Scn has been a large part of your life, it can take a long time to move it into history, and leave it there.

As has already been said, that should not mean moving friends, people we loved etc into history.

I believe that for 30 something years, I did leave it all behind and moved into life.

My husband called part of that early process - "re-entry" back into mainstream life, and it often felt like it, a shock to do "normal" things, have lots more cash, have success and life, friends, leisure, possessions and jobs that paid so well!

However, lucky as I was to have a partner who was also an Ex Scn and we spent years discussing every angle, looking at psychology and getting our lives on track - I fully appreciate having read this forum, (that I happened across one night recently), how very difficult people find it.

I can only offer my own experience, and part of what really helped me and my partner was to locate and and take a long, cold look at the hook..

This can be very painful but it is what was used to get us into Scn - not all regges/div 6 were skilled at finding our "ruin", some of us already knew what we felt was hindering our lives or making them less than perfect (and perfectionism does play a part sometimes) some people no doubt had truly altruistic desires to save the planet.... but we usually knew what it was, from needing to be accepted, have a group or family, that wanted us, to a special problem with our confidence, relationships, trying not to be gay etc etc etc.....

I believe that to start the release process, you must find and confront that issue (YOUR issue) then work out why it is there maybe, where it originally came from, and how you will resolve that issue without Scn - which was never going to resolve it anyway, really. There ARE ways in the real world.

I know you may not all agree and I stress again, this was my experience and it helped.

It was not easy, and everyone needs help along the way - sometimes good professional help, or sometimes just acceptance, that we are none of us perfect, we are what we are, and acceptance is eventually a happier route...

Many people here need support and reassurance and only they will know when they can move on. when they reach that point - they should move on.

Given with good intentions....
:unsure:
 
Good post! I enjoyed it.

For myself, there is the group thing, communicating with others who have similar experience, unique and different from other friends I enjoy.

Like war veterans who are glad its over, they still enjoy the company of those they served with because they understand.

And I still have someone I'd love to see out and enjoy that same level of understanding with, so ESMB gives me a way to do something about it or at least vent.

Perhaps when the Cof$ is just a big Ooops for Man and its activity is over, I'll feel differently.

But for now, my life is fuller with the experience of ESMB.

Yeah, me too! :sad: So maybe this fills some waiting time in a creative and positive way, by encouraging, supporting, and maybe even helping others.

Maybe I won't be around when my special person gets out...or won't talk to me and let me know I was "right" about him and the damned CULT... but maybe one of you will be.

I see it as a kind of pay it forward thingie. Plus, I LOVE you guys! :happydance:

Many conversations here are witty, and fun, and deep, and thought provoking. It's not always about COS, but when it is, there are probably not more knowledgeable discussions anywhere else on the planet than here. :thumbsup:

Cheer up, everyone...it will all be all right, just wait and see! We are on the side of the Angels, plus we got soul! :biggrin:

http://youtu.be/_DBl5gAs6WI
 

palehorse

Patron
<Gulp>

I just got here, after many years out of the Trap. I cannot believe how long the recovery process is, and I cannot blame anyone for throwing in the towel.

Just remember, the worse SPs are still in control.

Palehorse
 

FoTi

Crusader
<Gulp>

I just got here, after many years out of the Trap. I cannot believe how long the recovery process is, and I cannot blame anyone for throwing in the towel.

Just remember, the worse SPs are still in control.

Palehorse

Welcome Palehorse.....:welcome2:

Maybe you could introduce yourself in the New Member Introductions section.....that way people on ESMB would see that you have arrived.

Also, we love to hear stories.....maybe you could post your story on the My Story Inside Scientology section.
 

PirateAndBum

Gold Meritorious Patron
Well, I'm very late to the thread. Having read 37 pages, there's not really anything much I can add that others haven't already said far more eloquently than I.

But I want to say, THANK YOU Emma. This board has helped me more than anything else in leaving Scn.

I'm sure this board will continue on. It is unique.

Love you Emma. :kiss:
 

RBMM

Patron
Thank you Emma, whomever you are. Great service you provided!

I'm fairly new but I'd be willing keep it alive, and cover the costs. That is if I prove myself over the next 6 months that my intentions are good.

However I would want to make the following changes:

- Close the site from public access/viewing and limit it to the current membership base.

- With the help of the current forum members, purge out possible or probable OSA user accounts.

- Only allow new members who have left CoS using a submission process whereby all forum members can vote to allow the incoming member based on their own collective intel of the ex-CoS incoming request.

- Probable server move to more 'cooperative' country and more database security measures.

These four points might seem odd and I know this forum does offer great value to the general public. But there is also value in having 'safe haven' for CoS victims without the OSA present to re-victimize them. It's not ideal, but better than no venue at all.

That being said, I guess it's just as easy to start a brand new forum and invite people over based on the same approach. It's just nice though to retain the database of current threads and user accounts and ideally the domain name.

Thanks again for creating this forum. One person can handle only so much weight and stress. Go sit down, take your shoes off, and enjoy the freedom. David will be arrested within one year anyway, mark my words. $100 bet to anyone. And I gamble based on intel, not hunches.
 
Thank you Emma, whomever you are. Great service you provided!

I'm fairly new but I'd be willing keep it alive, and cover the costs. That is if I prove myself over the next 6 months that my intentions are good.

However I would want to make the following changes:

- Close the site from public access/viewing and limit it to the current membership base.

- With the help of the current forum members, purge out possible or probable OSA user accounts.

- Only allow new members who have left CoS using a submission process whereby all forum members can vote to allow the incoming member based on their own collective intel of the ex-CoS incoming request.

- Probable server move to more 'cooperative' country and more database security measures.

These four points might seem odd and I know this forum does offer great value to the general public. But there is also value in having 'safe haven' for CoS victims without the OSA present to re-victimize them. It's not ideal, but better than no venue at all.

That being said, I guess it's just as easy to start a brand new forum and invite people over based on the same approach. It's just nice though to retain the database of current threads and user accounts and ideally the domain name.

Thanks again for creating this forum. One person can handle only so much weight and stress. Go sit down, take your shoes off, and enjoy the freedom. David will be arrested within one year anyway, mark my words. $100 bet to anyone. And I gamble based on intel, not hunches.

Your suggestions would kill this board.

They sound like solutions the Church would use.

We don't need to figuratively A to J people who come here.

We want the public to see these stories.

And we are so over the OSA button. Sure some may be here, but who cares?

What makes this board so great is that the hearts and minds are open to anybody and people can say anything and think anything they want.

Anything less than that and we may as well be back in the Church.

The Anabaptist Jacques
 

Lone Star

Crusader
Thank you Emma, whomever you are. Great service you provided!

I'm fairly new but I'd be willing keep it alive, and cover the costs. That is if I prove myself over the next 6 months that my intentions are good.

However I would want to make the following changes:

- Close the site from public access/viewing and limit it to the current membership base.

- With the help of the current forum members, purge out possible or probable OSA user accounts.

- Only allow new members who have left CoS using a submission process whereby all forum members can vote to allow the incoming member based on their own collective intel of the ex-CoS incoming request.

- Probable server move to more 'cooperative' country and more database security measures.

These four points might seem odd and I know this forum does offer great value to the general public. But there is also value in having 'safe haven' for CoS victims without the OSA present to re-victimize them. It's not ideal, but better than no venue at all.

That being said, I guess it's just as easy to start a brand new forum and invite people over based on the same approach. It's just nice though to retain the database of current threads and user accounts and ideally the domain name.

Thanks again for creating this forum. One person can handle only so much weight and stress. Go sit down, take your shoes off, and enjoy the freedom. David will be arrested within one year anyway, mark my words. $100 bet to anyone. And I gamble based on intel, not hunches.

Several of your proposals are pretty damn stupid if you ask me. Who in the hell do you think you are advocating the closing of this site to public access and viewing? How do you expect ESMB to help and educate people who may not be in a position to join it yet?

Absolutely stupid, stupid idea. :duh:

If I didn't know any better I would say that you are OSA.
 
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R2-45

Silver Meritorious Patron
How would making this board private and limited to the current userbase be a good thing?


It's easy to start your own forum. Best of luck vetting OSA ops.


Anyway, I think you better think this through a few more times.
 

Smilla

Ordinary Human
Thank you Emma, whomever you are. Great service you provided!

I'm fairly new but I'd be willing keep it alive, and cover the costs. That is if I prove myself over the next 6 months that my intentions are good.

However I would want to make the following changes:

- Close the site from public access/viewing and limit it to the current membership base.

- With the help of the current forum members, purge out possible or probable OSA user accounts.

- Only allow new members who have left CoS using a submission process whereby all forum members can vote to allow the incoming member based on their own collective intel of the ex-CoS incoming request.

- Probable server move to more 'cooperative' country and more database security measures.

These four points might seem odd and I know this forum does offer great value to the general public. But there is also value in having 'safe haven' for CoS victims without the OSA present to re-victimize them. It's not ideal, but better than no venue at all.

That being said, I guess it's just as easy to start a brand new forum and invite people over based on the same approach. It's just nice though to retain the database of current threads and user accounts and ideally the domain name.

Thanks again for creating this forum. One person can handle only so much weight and stress. Go sit down, take your shoes off, and enjoy the freedom. David will be arrested within one year anyway, mark my words. $100 bet to anyone. And I gamble based on intel, not hunches.

My suggestion would be that you start up a new board and limit it's membership to just yourself and maybe a couple of goldfish.
 

Claire Swazey

Spokeshole, fence sitter
I'm familiar with fora where people vote on members and which are hidden from view. They have their niche. They end up being more for the individuals to communicate with each other than anything else.

That's not what ESMB is about.

Given those proposed limitations, those who want to find out more about the subject, about TC, about the cult, to find lost friends and family, to decompress, to recover after the incredible stress they endured- they just wouldn't be able to.

And since those are the things that ESMB does, then it would be the worst possible change(s) imaginable.

I wonder why anyone would even propose those sorts of changes? What would you hope to accomplish? How could that possibly be helpful or constructive?
 

R2-45

Silver Meritorious Patron
I'd be a bit concerned about the welfare of the goldfish. They need regular feeding.

How about a couple of mirrors and a rubber fish suspended on a wire from the ceiling of the cave?





Edited to add: This comment of mine might seem cruel and insensitive, but some of us have grown quite fond of this place. Your suggestion reminds me of somebody asking, "Hey, can I touch your eyeball?" with a straight face.

I apologize if my comment seems snarky but I decided to allow it to remain with this disclaimer attached. Please don't take it the wrong way. :)
 
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Lone Star

Crusader
Okay, I've calmed down now. Those proposals were just so nutty. Suspiciously nutty at that.

Anyway, as far as fears of OSA are concerned.....I'll just communicate the ESMB Battle Cry....FUCK OSA!!!!

They are afraid of us, not the other way around. :thumbsup:
 
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