Irayam: my story in Scientology

Irayam

Patron with Honors
Part 1

My story is nothing special, quite standard, in fact… Like its technology, the journey in scientology is also standard for the majority of the people.
OK, let’s go:
We are in 1978, I live in Lausanne, Switzerland and I am 21 years old. A friend of mine announces me that he will start a very special course in few days and because of this course he has to stop smoking pot for a week. Yes, I know, some people see cannabis as a dangerous drug but remember: it’s 1978 and I’m 21 years old. Furthermore, pot has never been harmful to me and I consider it as less dangerous than alcohol or tobacco. Anyway, this is not the place for a debate on this subject.
So this friend, let’s call him Steve, tells me that he will stop smoking and I’m very surprised because he’s smoking quite a lot, at least more than me. He says that an organization based in Bern sets up this course, it’s about communication, it will take place in a hotel downtown and will last for a week. He does not add much more details and I don’t ask further questions as I’m not very interested in such a course.
During his one week course, my friend speaks to me about the exercises of the course, the famous TRs. He’s very enthusiastic; asks me to do TR 0 with him, in his room, to see how fantastic it is. I’m not very convinced, but my friend seems so well and happy…
Some days after the completion of his training, Steve starts to speak about dianetics. I’m more interested in this subject than about the TRs. Steve has a book, DMSMH, “you want to read it?” Yes, yes, I’m interested! I take the book, leaf and say “OK, thanks”. “It’s 20 bucks…” What! “Hey, wait a minute; I was thinking that you will lend it to me!” This was the first ignored alarm bell! And I was even not yet in contact with a “real” scientologist. Steve was student at that time and has been convinced by the Bern’s Org that selling books could pay for his bridge.
Anyway, I bought the book from my old friend, a little astonished, and start to read it. And read, and read, and read! I was really fascinated by this book. I realized, later, that only few people had read it and were interested. The majority of the scientologists that I known found it difficult to read and had abandoned after few pages (there are some MUs here, huh?) But I was reading it everywhere: in the train to and from my work, at the lunch break and during the evenings.
During that time, I went for a workshop at the Geneva’s Org. I really enjoyed these two evenings, learn about some basics like ARC triangle and buy a book: Scientology a new slant of life. I had the feeling that I was discovering something new and that I was part of a great group of caring people. Steve and I were interested in parapsychology, were science-fiction fans and were listening jazz-rock music; we were enjoying especially Chick Corea’s music. These facts were amongst major contributors to the fact that scientology was appealing for us.
After a few weeks, Steve told me that he will start a new course (HQS) at the Fribourg’s mission. I’m also interested to do some training but I wonder if I can start directly with the HQS or should I start with the communication course. It’s Saturday and Steve tell me to phone to the Fribourg’s mission and ask them. And I phoned…
On the phone, the guy is very nice and says that there is no problem to start with the HQS since what is covered in the communication course is also part of this more advanced course. When can you come at the mission? “Well… I don’t know, maybe next Saturday?” “You could come tomorrow?” “Hem… It’s Sunday and I have other things to do” (in fact I have nothing special but it’s too quick for me). And guess what? Yes he handles me and I was at the mission on Sunday… (Second ignored alarm bell here!)
At the mission, I speak with the ED who spends few minutes to find a ruin on me (just to be sure!) and pay for my course. I was about to start when the reg told me that I have to do a very short course first, the mini tape course… I explain that I know how to use a tape recorder but needless to say that I have to buy and do this useless course first! It’s cheap and very short but I’m a little angry anyway.
With Steve, we are now both on HQS course; we are going every Saturday and Sunday afternoon to the mission of Fribourg. I like the TRs, we are so happy with these TRs that, for fun, we were continuing TR0-bullbait in the train back home. Imagine the face of the other passengers in the train! I like also the people, staff or public, present at the mission but I dislike the environment. The mission is in a modern building with a strange smells of drugs or vitamins. It’s composed of two distinct flats: one course room and one administrative part where the reception and several offices are located. I dislike also the pictures of LRH everywhere on the walls. And, as an agnostic person, I dislike the cross and the religious side of scientology. The ED tells me that it’s not a religion but an applied religious philosophy. He‘s also adding that the religious varnish is only for tax purpose in USA! Yes, scientology and dianetics were still pseudo sciences at that time, not yet a pseudo religion!
This is at this mission that I see my first OT! Maïna is a woman about 40 years old. If I remember well, she was OT7. The old OT7, wow! I will see somebody who is cause on everything! My God!
Well… She looks so normal! I’m in the course room, watching her (yes, I know, flunk!). She replaces the sup for a short time, scratching her leg (what? Not at cause on her body?) She’s looking for some papers and don’t find them (what? Not a perfect recall? Third ignored alarm bell!) I should have leave at that time.
But I stayed. For twelve years.
This is also with Maïna that I experienced my first serious reg cycle. She wants to sell me some intensive of auditing and I’m a little astonished by the prices. She serves me the usual selling arguments like the freedom has no price, etc. But I’m a little reluctant to buy. I have also a very good argument: If she is cause over the MEST as an OT7, why is she does not show me her abilities? I tell her “just move this mug without your hands and I’ll buy everything!” or “tell me what I’m thinking right now” Her answer is that it would not be real for me, I’m not ready to see an OT in action, I will find plenty of rationale to explain her abilities!! After a while, with the promise that I could ask for a refund at any time (what a bunch of liars!), I agree to buy cheap objective auditing hours for few thousands francs but did not start them right away. I do not remember there were many other reg cycles during this period at Fribourg.

Steve and I continued to go on weekends on the HQS at Fribourg, but with less enthusiasm. The most enjoyable moments were the breaks were we were all going in a nearby coffee shop to drink wonderful strawberry milkshakes (what a win!).
After some months, Steve and I are convoked by the ED. I don’t remember how, but the staffs at the mission have discovered that we are still smoking pot, after the course… It’s like an earthquake for them. We have to stop immediately and do the sweat program. At that time, the purif is not yet available, but the sweat program is quite similar: running, taking a lot of vitamins, eating fat free food, but no sauna.
We agree to stop smoking and to do the sweat program. We were planning three weeks of vacation on a small Greek island, and we decide to do the program during these vacations. So we are, at the airport, our backpacks full of huge bottles of vitamins and calmag (a little nervous to be searched at the Greek customs…).
After a week of real vacation (i.e. smoking and eating nice fat Greek food) we start to run and to take the vitamins. The mission was supposed to send us the instructions for the program at a post office on a nearby island, but we didn’t even try to go at that post office. We are running without preparation, on a sunny Greek island and it is August… We are eating mainly fruits and are hungry… I resist the torture for three days and then decide to stop. It does not matter if I have to wait my next lifetime and have a clean body to be audited! Steve resists one more day and decides to stop also. The only win, if it is one, is that we quit smoking pot. Back in Switzerland, we are no more on course. There is no pressure from the mission to continue our training. There is no harassment, probably because it’s 1979 and it’s a small mission.

To be continued...
 
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Pliny Younger

Patron with Honors
Welcome

Irayam,

Welcome, I remember the time frame and the sweat program well, :)

I look forward to more of your story.
 

Tim Skog

Silver Meritorious Patron
Good story Irayam, can't wait to read the rest of it. I did the old sweat program also and got up to running for a full hour for eight miles and I was still a heavy cigarette smoker at the time. I spent about a month or so on the program and completed it. Later when the Purification Rundown came out, I was told I had to do it even though I had done the old Sweat Program and had attested to the EP that was the same EP for the Purif. I was on staff, so I didn't have to pay, but it still irked me to have to do it.
 

Irayam

Patron with Honors
Good story Irayam, can't wait to read the rest of it. I did the old sweat program also and got up to running for a full hour for eight miles and I was still a heavy cigarette smoker at the time. I spent about a month or so on the program and completed it. Later when the Purification Rundown came out, I was told I had to do it even though I had done the old Sweat Program and had attested to the EP that was the same EP for the Purif. I was on staff, so I didn't have to pay, but it still irked me to have to do it.

Thank you Tim,

Yes, it looks like scientology is a never ending story. There is always new "breakthrough", new revised tech...

Best regards,
Irayam
 

pollywannacracker

Patron Meritorious
Yes, it looks like scientology is a never ending story. There is always new "breakthrough", new revised tech...


That is the "gotcha sucka" creedo of Scn. Always revise so you can sell more of the same to the fully indoctrinated. That was my EP for the Co$. :eyeroll:
 

AnonyMary

Formerly Fooled - Finally Free
Part 1------ To be continued...

Hello Irayam! Welcome and kudos for posting the beginning of your story here. :clap::clap:

Waiting for the rest....... :yes:

Mary McConnell

-------------------------------------
May those that love us, love us.
And those that don't love us,
May God turn their hearts.
And if He doesn't turn their hearts,
May He turn their ankles
So we will know them by their limping.
~Irish Blessing
 

HappyGirl

Gold Meritorious Patron
:welcome: irayam! I got into Scn because I was visiting my brother and he had an old copy of Dianetics and I read it straight through and loved it. I also wanted to find some pot and he told me he had friends that were Dianetic auditors and gave up pot, so maybe I could get some from them. Hahaha! I never got around to asking them for it, I got Dn auditing from them instead. :) They also did the TR drills in their home. I also did the sweat program - I was on the pilot program for it.

Please continue your story! :drama:
 

dontscamme

Patron Meritorious
Irayam said:
My story is nothing special, quite standard, in fact…

Although your story will no doubt have many similarities to some others, it is still unique and well worth reading.

I explain that I know how to use a tape recorder but needless to say that I have to buy and do this useless course first! It’s cheap and very short but I’m a little angry anyway

I would have been angry too. I never took a tape recorder course. Don't know how common this was.

After a week of real vacation (i.e. smoking and eating nice fat Greek food) we start to run and to take the vitamins. The mission was supposed to send us the instructions for the program at a post office on a nearby island, but we didn’t even try to go at that post office. We are running without preparation, on a sunny Greek island and it is August…

That part is definitely unique and very interesting.

Hem… It’s Sunday and I have other things to do” (in fact I have nothing special but it’s too quick for me). And guess what? Yes he handles me and I was at the mission on Sunday…

I can definitely relate to that.

Thanks for your story thus far. Will be awaiting subsequent installments.
 

GreyWolf

Gold Meritorious Patron
Yup. Dianetics was what first made me a scientologist too! Good post. I am waiting for more.
 

Irayam

Patron with Honors
Hi All,

Thank you for reading and for your comments so far.
so here is the next part of my story...

Part 2:

Shortly after, my friend Steve still in contact with the Bern’s Org is handled to become staff member. He left Lausanne and moved to Bern. After some weeks, he phones me and asks me to come for a visit. I naively thought that it was to see him. But as soon as arrived at the Org, I spent the afternoon in one office with Claudia, a tough Swiss German girl who tried to handle me to become staff member. I didn’t want to be a staff; I was happy with my job and my life. But after several hours I eventually agreed that it was only my reactive mind which did not want to become a staff member. First I wanted to sign only a 2.5 years contract but since I want to become an auditor, I had to sign a 5 years contract. I was not happy because I knew already that the staff’s salary was very low and the hours of work were very high. I was sad also for my parents because they worried a lot about scientology even if I was only a public; so if I was to become staff they will be even more upset. As I was supposed to give a six months leaving notice at my current work, I returned to Lausanne and continued my nice wog life.
Sometimes after “my” decision to become staff at Bern’s Org, something new and very important for the expansion of scientology in the area arrived in Lausanne. Two OTs settled in town! Olivier and Annie Dufour were just arrived from Paris and were willing to open a mission and start to audit people! With three other guys interested in scientology, we phoned and asked if we can come for a visit, Olivier and Annie invited us for a dinner. Their apartment is empty except for 2 or 3 chairs, a table and plenty of boxes yet to open. We spent a very nice evening; full of laughs, Olivier and Annie are two wonderful persons. I am reconciled with scientology and regret having already signed a contract with Bern. I would have preferred to work with these two great people in my city. But for me a contract is a contract and I never thought for one second to break it.
We are now at the end of February 1980; I’m supposed to be at the Bern’s Org on March 1st to start on staff. I load my car with a few belongings and hits the road with Steve’s brother, Chris, who has also signed as staff member.
At Bern, I will live with Steve who rents a room in a small two bedrooms apartment with two other staff members. At the Org I start the staff status course and inherit the garbage as cleaning station. Most of the people in Bern do not speak French and I don’t speak German. The communication is not very efficient!
I will stay only three months on staff but it was very long for me. My best salary for a week has been 30 Swiss francs (highest ever!) and the worst ones were zero francs (quite a lot of time…). Compared to Steve’s brother, I’m lucky. Chris has nowhere to live and is sleeping in the course room. When I think that this guy is still in scientology now and even worse is SO, I’m very sad for him. I have also some savings so I can pay for my half room rent, buy food and gas for my car that I use to go back in Lausanne during my free time on weekends.
My parents are very upset with this situation, especially my mother. She even becomes physically ill. Because of this circumstance, I’m declared PTS and must return to Lausanne to handle my parents. I’m so happy!! I have a good reason to leave and not return on staff.
I don’t try to handle my parents as they are also so happy that I’m returning to a normal life with a normal job. After a while I phone to Bern to announce that I will not return on staff. Of course I have small freeloader debt to pay and a program to complete in order to be a scientologist in good standing again; It’s OK with me, I agree with this idea. I don’t want to stop scientology; I want to be a public.
So here I am, back at my parents, looking for a job and going to the new mission of Lausanne in order to complete my program. I feel very good at the mission, the two or three staff members who are working with Olivier and Annie are great and I feel almost like a veteran when I help the new public students who are on courses. During the evenings when I’m not at the mission I frequent often a bar where I met Cathy, who will later become my wife. She’s a teacher at elementary school and we are speaking in this bar several evenings a week till the closing time. Although I am a very bad FSM (as full of doubts), Cathy likes straight to scientology. The first time I spoke about the ARC triangle, she was fascinated and I had no difficulties to lend her a book.

To be continued...

Best regards,
Irayam
 

Irayam

Patron with Honors
Part 3

We are now in love and I’m so happy! Cathy wants to see the mission and she starts the communication course. After a while, we decide to live together, I have a good job and we have a nice flat. Several months pass in a pure happiness. I have completed the program; I’m again a scientologist in good standing, have a nice girlfriend and after having contracted a little credit, I’m on the purif and have few hours of auditing on my account. I start again the HQS, more seriously at this time. Some other months pass, Cathy and I are both on course and audited.
In fact, Cathy is even more enthusiastic than me and around 1983, she announces me that she wants to be staff… For sure, for me, I will never be staff again. I try to warn her about the future of our couple if she decides to go on staff: low salary, a lot of working hours, few days off, etc. I see a lot of difficulties for us but I can’t say no. Especially when we talk with the ED, Olivier, I don’t want to be seen as a bad scientologist, of course. And I must say that at that time, the mission is working well; the staffs have almost a decent pay (around 300 Swiss francs per week) and they have a day off each week. What I fear the most are the high working hours. So it’s decided: Cathy will be staff! This is the beginning of a long way down.
We are in 1984. I take another credit in order to pay for training and auditing. I’m on the student hat and start the grades. In September, Cathy and I decide to marry. Auditing is OK, but never really satisfactory. You know probably this feeling that the next step will be THE step… The EP of the grades are not lasting, are more feelings than facts. I have lost that feeling I had at the beginning, you know: that scientology is so mysterious and special. Cathy is HES now and she’s very successful on her post. The mission works also very well; they make between 50’000 to 100’000 Swiss francs a week. After a while, the mission becomes a class IV Org and move to another building. I take again a new credit to pay for auditing hours. And the days go by, courses, auditing, more credits, and long waiting hours for my wife when she’s regging publics at the end of the evenings… (We have only one car!).
At the beginning of 1986, I’m ready to go to Copenhagen for the CCRD. I don’t feel really like a clear as described in Book One! But I’m on dianetics auditing and the C/S announces me that I have to do the CCRD. So I buy a train ticket to Denmark and arrive at the Nordland Hotel by a cold evening of January.
As I’m the husband of a staff, I succeed to rent a bed in a staff’s room at a cheap rate. We are maybe 10 to 12 people who are sleeping in a big room under the roof of the building. The following morning, I’m ready to start my rundown when the reg tells me that I have to first buy the Sunshine RD since I have to do it right away after my potential clear attest. Standard regging technique, isn’t it? I don’t know how to find the money; I have already a lot of debts and am alone in a foreign country. By chance (?!) a Swiss guy is present at the org and, with the kind help of the reg, he is able to lend me the money for the sunshine rundown. So the following day I go in session for the CCRD. I don’t really remember details about this RD but I finally attest clear. And it is still not that famous step I expect since the beginning of my auditing sessions! Considering what could happen if I originate that the state of clear is not as brilliant as it should be (start again the grades? find more money?!) I decide to say nothing, to continue and start the Sunshine RD the next day.
During my first night as a clear, a funny (?) incident happens. Suddenly, in the middle of the night, the door of our dormitory is violently opened and a security guard shouts “everybody out! Quick! Fire in the hotel!” First I think “Oh no! They are doing security drill in the middle of the night, poor staffs!” But after one or two minutes I start to smell the smoke… The wall of fire! So early after clear!! Everybody is running downstairs in smoky corridors and we are finally all outside the Nordland in the snow, in the middle of a January night in Denmark! A room is on fire with high flames coming out from the window. We spent the rest of the night in a kind of police casern. The following morning I have to find a place in order to have enough sleep for my Sunshine RD session. The rundown is as boring as it can be in the cold and wet Copenhagen streets. After this, I take the train back to Lausanne, “clear” and frustrated.
Back in Switzerland, the life goes on. I become Book One auditor and start to audit public PCs for the Org when I’m not on course in the evenings. I receive a small amount of money for my auditing hours but I have a lot of debts, maybe four or five bank credits and I need to find more money to buy the Academy levels, as I still have the goal to be a class IV auditor. The Org is working with a credit bank (I think that some guy at the bank is scientologist) and one day, the money is here, on the table. Well not exactly the money, but a new credit contract. Just sign here, one tells me! All the papers are ready, with my name and address and the amount of money needed for the Academy levels. Is that not funny? You even don’t have to ask for an additional credit, the staff members really take care of you!

To be continued...
 

dontscamme

Patron Meritorious
The following morning, I’m ready to start my rundown when the reg tells me that I have to first buy the Sunshine RD since I have to do it right away after my potential clear attest. Standard regging technique, isn’t it?

CoS registrars are easily the most aggressive sales people I have ever seen, and I've seen used car salesman, carnival barkers, Jehovah's Witnesses, door-to-door peddlers, and radio and TV pitchmen by the thousands.

I don’t really remember details about this RD but I finally attest clear. And it is still not that famous step I expect since the beginning of my auditing sessions! Considering what could happen if I originate that the state of clear is not as brilliant as it should be (start again the grades? find more money?!) I decide to say nothing, to continue and start the Sunshine RD the next day.

This kind of realization is why I left the CoS as a public member in less than six months. It became obvious that anything less than wonderful results was going to be my fault and cost me more trouble and money than it was worth.

You also feel trapped into generating your own "successful Scientologist" mindset after paying so much, especially if you incurred serious debt for the privilege.

The wall of fire! So early after clear!!

:lol:

Well not exactly the money, but a new credit contract. Just sign here, one tells me! All the papers are ready, with my name and address and the amount of money needed for the Academy levels. Is that not funny? You even don’t have to ask for an additional credit, the staff members really take care of you!

The Swiss are known to be very resourceful bankers. (I know, in this case, it was really the CoS at work, as per usual in any country).

To be continued...

:drama:
 

Irayam

Patron with Honors
CoS registrars are easily the most aggressive sales people I have ever seen, and I've seen used car salesman, carnival barkers, Jehovah's Witnesses, door-to-door peddlers, and radio and TV pitchmen by the thousands.




:drama:

Yes , I agree that, at least, the CoS registrars are successful... :bait: In 1988, I've been trained on the Hard sell techniques used by them. At that time, I have tried to increase my salary and have leave my job and started to work for two scientologists who were running a company which was selling natural products from bees (royal jelly, pollen) supposed to increase the health. I did it for a year but was feeling bad to hard sell very expensive products to people, often old persons with a low income. I even had credit bank contract with me for those who had not the money in cash...:duh:

Irayam
 

Irayam

Patron with Honors
Part 4

The months pass and a surprising incident happened in May 1987. The kind of incident that makes me think I was really very easy to handle and I had lost all critical sense. On a Tuesday evening, I’m on course at the Org. My wife is in training at Flag and the guy at the FSC in Lausanne, Patrick Robert, announces me that she’s on the phone and wants to speak with me. It’s around 10:30 pm and she starts to ask me to come to Flag. I have nothing to do at Flag and don’t want to go, but after some minutes she says I have to go to Flag in order to save our marriage and that if I don’t go, it will be the end for us. She’s very serious. Not only I have to go to Flag, but I have to be there before Thursday 2 pm…!! I have no money for the plane ticket, no money for the accommodation, no visa and, of course, I have told anyone at my work. I eventually accept to go and the guy at FSC says that he will arrange everything. The following morning, Patrick Robert and I are in his car on our way to Bern to get a visa at the US embassy. Then, I take the train from Bern to Zürich airport. Meanwhile, somebody from the Lausanne Org phones to my work to say that I need to go to Florida in order to save my marriage… (Can you imagine that?). I arrive just in time at the airport and, once in the plane, I’m thinking “but what am I doing here?”
After a stop at New York, I arrive at Tampa airport. The van from Flag is here and my wife is welcoming me. Once arrived at the Fort Harrison I start the routing form and ended up in the office of one of the MAA of the base. At the end of the interview I find myself with a program to handle my PTS condition as it seems that I’m PTS from my parents at least. I have to do a Div 6 course first (up and down in life? I’m not sure now, but did some drills with Amanda Ambrose, a so nice lady) then write some O/Ws write up and then I have to do the PTS/SP course. I will stay 3 weeks at Flag; celebrate my 30th Birthday while been full time on course (the saddest of my Birthday celebration so far…).
As my departure to Florida was so sudden, I told nobody where I am. Even not to my parents. I had few communications with them because of scientology. It was always painful to talk to them about scientology; they were so worried for me. But at Flag, one morning the MAA asked me to phone to my parents in order to appease them. What happens is that my boss who was without news from me since my departure phoned to my parents to ask them if they knew something about me. Imagine the anxiety of my father and my mother when they learned that their only son has disappeared into the nets of scientology in the USA! So I had to phone them to say that I will soon return; that I’m only doing a course and that it’s related to the improvement of my marriage. I will learn from my father, years later after my blow from the cult, that he went to the Org of Lausanne to talk with Olivier, the ED, while I was at Flag. He did something spectacular in order to be listened to. As he was waiting for his appointment with Olivier (no, the Director is busy right now. No the Director is in session now, he will see you later, etc. etc.), he began to be angry. There was a very nice glass table at the Org reception… So suddenly, my father stood up, took the table and holds it above his head and shouted “If I don’t see this famous Director right now I threw the table across the room!” One minute later he was in Olivier’s office; so you know now why I had to phone to my parents…. Thank you dad! I’m so proud of you!
I finally attested the SP/PTS course, end the ethics cycle and returned to Switzerland with the feeling that my wife wanted to be SO. She did not say so, but I could feel it. That means the end of our marriage because I don’t want to be a slave. This is how I was looking at SO, even at that time, when I was scientologist. In fact, close to the end of 1987, she announces me that she wants to divorce because I’m not enough involved in the planetary dissemination (what a strange reason for divorce…). She wants to go to the east countries of Europe and open missions. I agree to divorce also because she wants children but not me. I’m a little afraid to take responsibility to raise children, especially with a woman who is working so much and earn a very low salary. We will eventually be divorced by the end of 1989.

To be continued...
 

Irayam

Patron with Honors
Part 5

During the summer of 1988 all the scientologists of Lausanne were invited to the official opening of the Narconon center of Les Plans sur Bex, somewhere in the mountains, not so far away from Lausanne. It was situated in a wonderful “chalet” and everybody was very enthusiastic. I was so interested that I proposed to come for a week in order to help them. So, during my two week vacation, in August, I was a volunteer staff at Narconon. It has been a very nice experience. I almost decided to be staff there! The people, staff or “students”, were nice persons, the ambiance was full of fun and I felt in love with an adorable HES…
Oh no! Not a staff again! I promised to myself that I will never be in love with another staff! Fortunately, she was not in love with me. I was so sad but, even if I was miserable for about a year, at the end, it has been a good thing for me. I could have been back on staff for the love of her.
1989 has been a horrible year. At that time I had around 80’000 to 90’000 Swiss francs of debts and a lot of difficulties to pay back. These debts were composed of three different credits. A big one was about 50’000 francs and two other were of 20’000 francs. These two credits were made with other scientologists who were guarantor for the money and they eventually had to pay the credit for me… But I had some payments overdue with the 50’000 francs credit too and the bank finally asked for the total repayment of the money. So here I was, almost divorced and with an attachment of earnings leaving just enough money for living…
But I was still going on course; still wanting to be an auditor. But I was less and less enthusiastic. At the beginning of 1990, I started to think about my situation. Was I happier than before scientology? Was I more able? The stable datum was that I was financially ruined. Furthermore, a big change happened in my life since my divorce some months ago, I was no more the husband of a staff! Let me explain this: it’s not easy to leave scientology. Especially when you are married with a staff and when all your friends are scientologists. It means that once you are out of the group, you will be alone. Not only you lose your couple and your “religion” or your hope in life, your “raison de vivre”, but you have no one to comfort you. Fortunately, I have a very good friend that I know since the secondary school: Jeff. Of course, I tried to disseminate him, but he was never interested. He was also never negative on scientology and since I was not an extremist, we stayed friend. I have also my friend Steve, with whom everything started. He was on staff for some years but he also eventually blows some years ago. So little by little, I started to envisage blowing.
The funny thing, at least for me, was that I continued to go on course once I decided to leave (I was on level 0 at that time). I was almost done with the level 0, maybe one or two weeks more on course and I decided to finish it first. I remember that I was more “myself” during that time, less guilty. For example one evening, after the course, the staff asked the students some help for an “all hands”, stuffing envelopes or something like this. I decided to stay for a half hour and was doing a good job. Then I got up and said goodbye to everyone. One staff accused me of leaving so early, while the work was not finished. Few months earlier, I would feel guilty and would have felt bad. I just responded to the girl that she should be rather satisfied with my additional work for the Org, because I could have just leave at the end of the course and also that she should say “thank you for your help” rather than criticize me. No more fear to be seen as low on the tone scale (I was not far from 1.5…) or to be sent to ethics.
Few days after this incident, at the beginning of May 1990, I finished my check sheet of level 0 and, at the end of the evening, I just walk out of the org knowing that I will never come back. God! What a feeling! A feeling of freedom, joy and power! For several days I was ecstatic. Of course after two or three days the course supervisor phoned me, asking when I will come back on course. What a pleasure to reply her that I will never return.
At that time I wrote a letter in order to explain why I was leaving scientology. The main reasons for me were the high prices (how can we clear the planet if only a small percentage of people can afford the bridge?), the very poor wins I got from the tech and the new management that I disliked a lot. But I still believed in Ron and its philosophy in these days. Of course, now, I know who LRH was really and I know that his tech was only built to enslave people and make money.
Today, almost twenty years after, I have a normal life; I am happily married with a wonderful woman. I have no more anger for scientology. I’m just feeling a little sad for the persons trapped inside. I’m always fond of stories about scientology and I’m following its shrinking fate with great interest.
What was my biggest win in scientology? The incredible feeling I had when I left. Now I’m stable exterior to this cult, with full perceptions on what it really is.

The end

Thank you for reading my story!

Best regards,
Irayam
 
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