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It started out so good…

gomorrhan

Gold Meritorious Patron
:nervous: I don't figure I have that kind of time......
Scientology can help you with that. Just kidding, but seriously, I'm talking about "if left to own devices", without therapy or efforts to snap out of it, I think that's the "natural healing period" for major investments of self into a long-term relationship, whether that be with a Church, a person, a dog, whatever.
 

Escalus

Patron Meritorious
Not always a lie: I think it's related to how much you are vested in the Church.

I think it's a lie. I think it's a lie you buy into and it helps keep you in place. I was fully vested. I left everything - home, family, college, my contacts, changed my life forever. Though I was only on staff a year I was a Scientologist for three. I bought it hook, line and sinker. And when I went I even sold my car and was a true believer. Nobody could tell me different. I had the secret and that was all I needed.

So I had everything vested in it - as well as a seven day work week and no personal time at all. I didn't do anything but Scientology for a year. Nothing.

And people you talk about it casually and I'm pretty sure I read it somewhere along the way as well - people who leave Scientology dwindle and degenerate. They get sick and eventually die. Here's a guy who left - he's dead. That person left on a red tag and never came back - he went nuts. The colloquial evidence is everywhere when you are on staff.

I think it is a lie, especially because it's what you are told and - like everything else in Scientology - it's the weight of a considered opinion, and you take it as fact at first; like you take everything else.

Sorry. Always a lie. It was a lie for you as well, and to modify it with condition is not relevant.
 

tookmeawhile

Patron with Honors
Life as a new mission public - the making of a Scientologist.

Okay, I left off my story being totally blown out – exterior and oh so happy. Well, that was pretty short-lived. It was such a big change and such a great feeling – from being near the bottom all the way out the top. Now that I had a taste of how good I could feel I wanted it all the time. But that would not quite be the case.

I continued with my objective auditing and even though I never got that blown away again, I guess I did okay. I’ll just summarize some things that I remember; my pre-staff days in the mission. (Later I joined staff at the class V org about 40 miles away.) This was from late '79 to '81-ish.

My introduction to really being OT.

I remember talking to this one guy who was married with twin baby girls and we were standing in the mission during a break and got to talking. He was always very nice and very happy. I really liked him. This one time he said he was standing on his front porch at home right now as we spoke here in the mission. He had a big smile on his face. Of course he meant he was exterior and had full perceptions and was visiting his wife and kids. To this day I don’t know if he was actually able to do something like that, thought he was doing it or was just a nut. But it sure got me thinking…

What I would do as an OT

If I got that ability – to be anywhere fully aware of what was going on and still be able to run my body – wow. I could go to concerts for free and even be on stage! I could go to baseball games, football games – you name it - and be on the field. All from the comfort of my air conditioned bedroom. And then I had the greatest thought ever – I could go to women’s locker rooms. I could go to Hawaii , Antarctica and a health club in Sweden all in one night. Who needs TV or a life, I could be anywhere, any time. Oh, I want those abilities!

Cookies or Auditing?

I was working at a grocery store making around $7 an hour, living at home saving up my money to buy my Life Repair. I don’t remember how much it was but I’m thinking, in 1980, it was around $2500 for an intensive or two. I didn’t have any credit cards so I had to save for it. That was a lot of money for me. An awful lot of money. I remember going to the store to buy some groceries and looking at a $2 bag of cookies thinking – nah, that’ll get me about 30 seconds in session. I downgraded in cars – from a five year old Ford Pinto – to a twelve year old Ford Falcon. I got about a $1000 out of that towards my auditing. Talk about sad - "downgrading" from a Ford Pinto!

I get to hold the cans for some real auditing!

I finally paid for my Life Repair and was going to get some real auditing. I got the mission holder’s wife as my auditor. Very intimidating. She was an OT VII and a class VIII auditor. I know she could read my mind. Well, I don’t know what we were running but she just had to pull withholds – secrets. You know, I was thinking of stuff like what I’d be doing with my body if I was exterior looking at some naked ladies or something. Thinking of pooping and farting and such. Well, I swear she turned her little desk lamp to shine in my face (maybe not but seemed like it) and had this psychotic evil Nazi look on her face demanding my withholds. “C’mon, out with it! What have you done!!??” And not just things I was just thinking of – but horrible things she knew I had actually done. Well, other than embarrassing things, being a 19 year old, that’s all I had; nothing else. You’d think she could just read my mind and know I wasn’t hiding anything or lying to her. Gee, maybe I was and I just didn’t know or something. I must have had some deep secret I was holding back that only she and the emeter knew. I must be such a bad and messed up person to not be able to think of anything really bad that I had done. (can you say a new form of introversion??) It was so horrible and I was so freaked out – what did the Gestapo want? And I was paying a fortune for this. I just want a bag of cookies and eat them in my room. And I want to be exterior again. Well, I red-tagged after this engramic session with a Class VIII auditor. She insisted I went back in session that very minute. I went back in, BS’ed about something and made sure I seemed happy enough at the examiner again. I became a seasoned Scientologist that night!

The newest degraded being gets an auditor demotion

Fortunately, they switched me to another auditor. I guess I just couldn’t “have” a CLVIII auditor. The new auditor was a very nice, very warm person and I actually ended up doing pretty good with my Life Repair. I did feel better about a lot of things. But I still wasn’t exterior again! And I did have bad headaches and a bunch of alarms and think-think-think was still going on in my head. Just not quite as bad – but still not comfortable.

In all fairness, I did get some case gain from the CLVIII auditor - a few loose thetans that were hanging around or in me were certainly scared away! :omg:

That session with that wonderful CLVIII auditor bothered me for a long time. It wasn’t until about two years after that session that I ran into the nice auditor at the 40 mile away Org. I had asked about some folks in the mission, including the Class 8 and she said really casual like, “oh, she was Declared a long time ago”. If I was in a movie, I would have turned right to the camera with one of those looks on face like, “why didn’t any one bother to tell me this?” :confused2:

But was I pissed off that I had a horrible session with a mean SP and should have gotten my money back (or hours of credit) – for that session and the repair sessions that I needed from that horrible session later? No, I was just so happy to find out it wasn’t me that was so bad – it was that ex-class 8! I was so relieved to hear that. But why couldn’t someone have told me this earlier?! There was some more botched up auditing by then, too. No point to go into details. As long as the Church of Scientology gets rewarded for delivering bad auditing (the poor PC buys more auditing to fix it), that's what they will deliver. :grouch:

That's about it for now on being a new public at a mission. Sorry I can't say which mission or Org yet; once I get my repayment back I will. This covered about a year and a half. I know there's more stories but these were the main points I can think of. Next, I'll discuss my decision and being on staff at a class V org. Thanks for listening.
 

Good twin

Floater
Wow. Your story is sooo familiar. I feel like I know all of the people in your story, the father of twins, the Cl VIII auditor, the Org 40 miles away. I swear that was MY mission. But I can't place you, yet... keep talking.:eyeroll:
 

Boldgirl

Patron Meritorious
Will I ever be normal again ? When willl this SCN 'voice' in my head wear off?

I read these posts and I am defiitely not going to do services ever again...as these posts and numerous websites and facts have snapped me to reality about 3 weeks ago. I am now a sponge reading everything I can get my hands on.

I had to copy my tax returns for the last 3 years for a refinance and I had to look again at how much I donated and spent on scn services and it made me feel so ill, physically nauseous. I then tried to think...OK, but it wasnt ALL a waste of money ...it couldn't be...or was it ! I started thinking of ANY lasting gains I have had from my 3 years in scientology. I almost didnt want to admit any gains because that would mean I got 'help' from a church developed by an insane sociopathic psychotrophic drug addict who was evil and well..insane ! It was almost too much to bear.

But then I thought, OK am I different now than pre-scientology?...ugh... YES. I am. I don't like how I think now versus how I used to for the most part and I am waiting for 'me' to come back. "Of all the things I miss, I miss my mind the most."

So in a nutshell, here are the top positive and negative differences in how I feel and think having been brainwashed for 3 years with lots of auditing and courses and having now been 'out' for 3 weeks emotionally and decisively. I was not a staffer or SO member so this is just being a public!

Positive Changes:
1. I do think 'bigger' now, less bothered by financial considerations in life. I feel I could start any new career and be successful...so that's good!

2. I feel I could run any business or start any business now-piece of cake. Some of this is the admin tech, some of it is learning what part of the admin tech is totally screwed up and doesnt work, learning the hard way.

3. I now know beyond a shadow of a doubt that no scientologist can ever be a friend in a real way, they are incapable and will stab you in the back in a heartbeat...AND they are brainwashed that way...so...no more 'SCN' friends for this person here. The positive is that i will more closely cherish and keep in touch with the real friends I had pre-scientology...they are golden.

4. I am more ethical in that even minor transgressions are now difficult to impossible for me. Little white lies are hard for me now...and even though I will never audit again in my life...I still think I will HAVE to tell an auditor. Will I ever feel I won't have to tell my auditor...hmmm. OK so the positive is that I am more ethical for sure...not that I was EVER bad...but it's all relative.

5. I can stand up for myself better now. So much hard sell invalidative regging from SCN's has made me SO MAD. I will not and haven't ever again let anyone talk to me or treat me badly since then. This was thanks to scientology after I learned and experienced just how brutal scientologists , staff & SO members treat the public to get money then smile at you the next day...talk about covert hostility..." 1.1 all the way --that's the church of scientology way! ". Hey that rhymes. So now I am tougher and can battle anyone! I even want to own a gun now....is that good.....hmmm.

Negative Changes I hope will go away:

1. I still feel somewhat more 'afraid' & 'guarded' of people since scientology. You are taught and ethic cycled to death to believe that the world out there is suppressive and a 'dangerous' environment...when in reality it is the Church of scientology that is the suppressive and dangerous environment without a shadow of a doubt....huge realization...huge. " Many tears were shed to bring you this information...." The SP/PTS crap you are brainwashed to believe and reminded of constantly is still there for me...as a 'reaction' internally. I know intellectually this is not true but I still get a 'gut' reaction when I shouldnt to people. This was not the case with me pre SCN...I never thought this way.

2. I am more depressed overall...weird....dont worry I am not THAT depressed. Just that I really thought the 'carrot' was my new purpose and goal in life and it is still sad to me that the carrot is really a rotten piece of plastic at best.

3. I have lost some confidence in my judgement. I fell into a cult for gods sake !...me, miss intelligence, professional....I was THAT stupid and gullible. So I dont trust myself again yet to make any decision about any group that is right (other than this one !).

4. I spent money and got into debt, money we didnt have and am still paying for it. It was a terrible return on investment. I could have retired 5 years earlier with what I gave to that f-ckin SP DM and his cronies throwing Cruise a freakin Nazi welcome bday party.

5. I lost a friend because of scientology. The church's (and WISE consultants) ability to make you so quick to disconnect with someone you think is remotely against you ...with little dialogue to 'work it out'.

Well that was kind of therapeutic!
 

Alanzo

Bardo Tulpa
Understood completely, BoldGirl.

I was in for 16 years as a fervent, sometimes fanatic, Churchie, and it all collapsed in about 3 weeks.

Be sure to give yourself some slack.

You had lots of help in getting involved to the extent you did. And you had lots of help in spending all the money you did.

A person exists within an environment. And they deal with the pressures and the problems that they find there. It isn't ALL you. The environment existed, too.

The Scientology environment is tailormade, like a rat in a maze, to keep you moving through to find the prize. There are shocks for standing up and looking over the walls for shortcuts, there are shocks for questioning the nature of the maze, and there are lots of shocks for thinking of leaving the maze.

But lots of reward for keeping your head down and sniffing through the hallways to find the prize that you were told would be there for you.

You had lots of help.

In fact, it was an onslaught.

So remember to give yourself some slack.

It'll be better than ever for you, the farther away you can get from that cult.
 

Boldgirl

Patron Meritorious
thanks for the reassurance

Boldgirl---


:bighug:

It does get better, and faster then you might think. Welcome.


I sure want to believe that...I dont like having 'automatic' thoughts that are SCN circuits...it is maddening at times....thanks
 

Boldgirl

Patron Meritorious
Understood completely, BoldGirl.

I was in for 16 years as a fervent, sometimes fanatic, Churchie, and it all collapsed in about 3 weeks.

Be sure to give yourself some slack.

You had lots of help in getting involved to the extent you did. And you had lots of help in spending all the money you did.

A person exists within an environment. And they deal with the pressures and the problems that they find there. It isn't ALL you. The environment existed, too.

The Scientology environment is tailormade, like a rat in a maze, to keep you moving through to find the prize. There are shocks for standing up and looking over the walls for shortcuts, there are shocks for questioning the nature of the maze, and there are lots of shocks for thinking of leaving the maze.

But lots of reward for keeping your head down and sniffing through the hallways to find the prize that you were told would be there for you.

You had lots of help.

In fact, it was an onslaught.

So remember to give yourself some slack.

It'll be better than ever for you, the farther away you can get from that cult.

It is funny...I WANT to believe I had lots of help...but then guess what kicks in...? SCN data that i did it ALL to myself...maybe I will stop kicking myself when it starts to hurt.....
 

Zinjifar

Silver Meritorious Sponsor
I sure want to believe that...I dont like having 'automatic' thoughts that are SCN circuits...it is maddening at times....thanks

Just my opinion, but, I don't think the 'solution' or 'cure' for Scientology is to dig out and excise the friendly nuggets that Ron's happy fun cult implanted.

I think the 'cure' is to fill your life with so much *unscientology* that the percentual remnants become dwindling memories of elevator farts.

Never gone; but, vanishingly important.

Zinj
 

Good twin

Floater
Just my opinion, but, I don't think the 'solution' or 'cure' for Scientology is to dig out and excise the friendly nuggets that Ron's happy fun cult implanted.

I think the 'cure' is to fill your life with so much *unscientology* that the percentual remnants become dwindling memories of elevator farts.

Never gone; but, vanishingly important.

Zinj

That's beautiful Zinj.:eyeroll:
 

tookmeawhile

Patron with Honors
I read these posts and I am defiitely not going to do services ever again...as these posts and numerous websites and facts have snapped me to reality about 3 weeks ago. I am now a sponge reading everything I can get my hands on.
I spent money and got into debt, money we didnt have and am still paying for it. It was a terrible return on investment. I could have retired 5 years earlier with what I gave to that f-ckin SP DM and his cronies throwing Cruise a freakin Nazi welcome bday party.


Boldgirl, Sorry to hear you are having such a hard time after waking up. It really helps a lot reading everyone's stories here. I got a lot out of reading their stories. I did have a really hard time - but just for about a week or two. I guess I was gradiently waking up over time. I did go through a lot after I got off staff back in the 80's though. Anyways, you'll do better sooner than you think!

Oh yeah, I try not to think of all the money I spent on the bridge. I did get a lot out of it but should have only been about one tenth the cost - if that. Yeah, the C of $tops has cost me at least 5, maybe 10 years of working more.

Tomorrow is the day - I start the repayment process. No turning back now! I will be officially kicked out. :police:
 

Alanzo

Bardo Tulpa
It is funny...I WANT to believe I had lots of help...but then guess what kicks in...? SCN data that i did it ALL to myself...maybe I will stop kicking myself when it starts to hurt.....

I know. I was there, too.

It's that glue-like definition of RESPONSIBILITY that Hubbard created to stick you to anything he wanted.
 
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