Ex Scientologist Message Board
Hey Folks,
I've been "lurking" on this board a bit, reading much, thinking much, but saying nothing. I've been pre-occupied with something else lately, but also I have a different reality to most (who regularly post) and I'm not "up to" any kind battle that might be thrown my way, if I said what I thought at times. By the same token, I have much reality with some who post, and that is truely warming. You don't know me from a bar of soap, but I feel I know some of you so well. With your comm and your reality, you often put a big smile on my face, and I'm left with the feeling of being understood and loved (sounds quirky, but it's not
).
For too long in ANZO, I felt alone amongst many, throughout my journey within the ranks, on staff and in the field. I didn't have or know of others of like mind. I didn't "have" others to help me fight the battles, that I continually found myself fighting. I know PR tech and I can and have applied it, but I am short wicked. I'd too often open my big gob, let fly, and be in the sh't again. It was a lonely frustrating ride.
I spent many years "going on hoping". I couldn't have that there was no hope for change or that there could be no redemption. I have quite a different Scn track than many, through coming in late70's/early 80's. My reality is that the bridge was probably as good as it got around that time, and at that time, it hadn't yet been particularly f'cked with or f'cked over like it is now.
I did an immense amount of training at the time. It was all pretty good. I gained much myself from that training, and helped others gain from it's application. Always saw the tech and policy as a set of tools that one could use to change conditions for the better for oneself and others. To this day, they are tools that I have and always will have and use - I am grateful for them. In saying that, realize I am not talking about the much altered stuff (or representation of the tech), that is rampant within orgs/spat out/quoted/bandied around etc etc. I'm not talking about all that "stable data" that so many who haven't been trained, consider the tech. It ain't .Far far from it. What many consider the tech to be, in my eyes is a nasty beast, so far removed from anything and everything that I ever studied.
Needless to say, no mother's gonna ever convince me that it's a load of crock. I didn't have LRH as some kind of deity (I listened to too many of his tapes). I haven't had a mentor or mentors for many years. I know what I know, and am my own council on much. Have never been one to get on the band wagon (in or out of Scientology). Have often been one who's tried to burn that fu'kin wagon. To me, that's what KSW was about - group think, that damn wagon, not stepping back, not having a look, and not having the gutz to say "no" or "no more". I believe if people applied that pl (as in the principle of it - saying "no" to the group think), then DM and his pawns (or even LRH himself), would not have been able to continue to p'ss all over a body of knowledge/set of tools, that has and could continue to help so many.
So, after that big girlie blurb
, this is my dilemma, and one that I can't seem to shake. In life I have always hoped for change, mocked up a different scenario, for those situations I didn't/don't like. I have always been able to mock up light at the end of the tunnel. I ended cycle on my own bridge when GAT came out. I hoped that would get sorted, sometime down the track. I still stayed with the game. I held an admin exec post for a while, and was active in the field while not on staff. But then in 97, when I realized that DM was truely off the rails, and that he and his team of fascists were senior to that in policy or tech, the penny dropped and I was out of there. Despite walking, I still had a glimmer of hope that there may one day be a take over or something. I had that glimmer of hope, till I started reading stuff on the internet a few months ago.
Up until I found out what was going on, it was easy to keep things in the box I had put it in, and live my pretty damn good life. Now, I'm having to face Scientology's inevitible demise, and that's something I'm finding so hard to accept. On the one hand, I can't "have" it. It seems such a waste! It saddens me. On the other hand, I hope for the organisations quick demise. It's not Scio anyway, and the atrocities within the ranks (that no doubt will be getting worse of late), are too much to bear. This is a personal battle for me right now. I have no direction, and haven't been able to reach a resolve or find peace on it.
I haven't ever felt this way about anything before. Have always had mechanisms or something in place to find some direction and some peace, given any scenario, and be somewhat at cause as opposed to effect. Not so at this time. I'm not expecting any of you to have a magic wand or anything. Just throwing it out there in an effort and hope that maybe this thing can maybe loosen up a bit, and in the hope that maybe I can let the fu'king thing go (this bastard ain't budging
).
All that aside,
Cheers folks!
SNC
I've been "lurking" on this board a bit, reading much, thinking much, but saying nothing. I've been pre-occupied with something else lately, but also I have a different reality to most (who regularly post) and I'm not "up to" any kind battle that might be thrown my way, if I said what I thought at times. By the same token, I have much reality with some who post, and that is truely warming. You don't know me from a bar of soap, but I feel I know some of you so well. With your comm and your reality, you often put a big smile on my face, and I'm left with the feeling of being understood and loved (sounds quirky, but it's not
).For too long in ANZO, I felt alone amongst many, throughout my journey within the ranks, on staff and in the field. I didn't have or know of others of like mind. I didn't "have" others to help me fight the battles, that I continually found myself fighting. I know PR tech and I can and have applied it, but I am short wicked. I'd too often open my big gob, let fly, and be in the sh't again. It was a lonely frustrating ride.
I spent many years "going on hoping". I couldn't have that there was no hope for change or that there could be no redemption. I have quite a different Scn track than many, through coming in late70's/early 80's. My reality is that the bridge was probably as good as it got around that time, and at that time, it hadn't yet been particularly f'cked with or f'cked over like it is now.
I did an immense amount of training at the time. It was all pretty good. I gained much myself from that training, and helped others gain from it's application. Always saw the tech and policy as a set of tools that one could use to change conditions for the better for oneself and others. To this day, they are tools that I have and always will have and use - I am grateful for them. In saying that, realize I am not talking about the much altered stuff (or representation of the tech), that is rampant within orgs/spat out/quoted/bandied around etc etc. I'm not talking about all that "stable data" that so many who haven't been trained, consider the tech. It ain't
.Far far from it. What many consider the tech to be, in my eyes is a nasty beast, so far removed from anything and everything that I ever studied. Needless to say, no mother's gonna ever convince me that it's a load of crock. I didn't have LRH as some kind of deity (I listened to too many of his tapes). I haven't had a mentor or mentors for many years. I know what I know, and am my own council on much. Have never been one to get on the band wagon (in or out of Scientology). Have often been one who's tried to burn that fu'kin wagon. To me, that's what KSW was about - group think, that damn wagon, not stepping back, not having a look, and not having the gutz to say "no" or "no more". I believe if people applied that pl (as in the principle of it - saying "no" to the group think), then DM and his pawns (or even LRH himself), would not have been able to continue to p'ss all over a body of knowledge/set of tools, that has and could continue to help so many.
So, after that big girlie blurb
, this is my dilemma, and one that I can't seem to shake. In life I have always hoped for change, mocked up a different scenario, for those situations I didn't/don't like. I have always been able to mock up light at the end of the tunnel. I ended cycle on my own bridge when GAT came out. I hoped that would get sorted, sometime down the track. I still stayed with the game. I held an admin exec post for a while, and was active in the field while not on staff. But then in 97, when I realized that DM was truely off the rails, and that he and his team of fascists were senior to that in policy or tech, the penny dropped and I was out of there. Despite walking, I still had a glimmer of hope that there may one day be a take over or something. I had that glimmer of hope, till I started reading stuff on the internet a few months ago. Up until I found out what was going on, it was easy to keep things in the box I had put it in, and live my pretty damn good life. Now, I'm having to face Scientology's inevitible demise, and that's something I'm finding so hard to accept. On the one hand, I can't "have" it. It seems such a waste! It saddens me. On the other hand, I hope for the organisations quick demise. It's not Scio anyway, and the atrocities within the ranks (that no doubt will be getting worse of late), are too much to bear. This is a personal battle for me right now. I have no direction, and haven't been able to reach a resolve or find peace on it.
I haven't ever felt this way about anything before. Have always had mechanisms or something in place to find some direction and some peace, given any scenario, and be somewhat at cause as opposed to effect. Not so at this time. I'm not expecting any of you to have a magic wand or anything. Just throwing it out there in an effort and hope that maybe this thing can maybe loosen up a bit, and in the hope that maybe I can let the fu'king thing go (this bastard ain't budging
).All that aside,
Cheers folks!
SNC