WOW!
I watched the show and I cried and I laughed. And I saw things differently. Again.
Len, you are amazing! Thank you for your wonderful heart.
I did similar things as you, though not with the famous. I became this fanatical person who spied and lied. The shame was intense when I started to wake up. I know this won't ease the nagging crap inside, but please know you are not alone. Sometimes even now, ten years after leaving, after waking up, I can feel the intensity of that awful stuff I did. I feel the shame rise up threatening to overwhelm me. I tell my shame "I hear you, I feel you. Now please just sit beside me, quietly, and let me be the best person I can be each new day."
I told my elderly mother what I had done (before she died). I told her the dirtiest secrets of the dirtiest things I had done in the cult. I sat at the kitchen table with my elderly mother and poured my guts out. It was shocking and I have never felt more disgusted in myself. I was so ashamed and I suppose I desired her forgiveness for she had not raised me to be a lying cheating person. She said (words to the effect of) "dear girl you were under the influence of something." I hurled back at her "That is no excuse for what I did!" I was brutal with myself.
She looked at me in a way that conveyed her desperation to comfort me. These moments between us were deep. When I begged for some sort of answer "mum, how can I ever forgive myself for becoming such a nasty, cruel, blind, stupid person?" she said "you will find a way dear. Keep going, you are stronger than you realise. Keep going, one day at a time."
Her trust in me, the woman that knew me the very best in the entire world, gave me a type of gift to carry in my heart. Someone that recognised the real me, the sweet me, the decent me. I've had some wonderful gifts in my life but I think her love and support as I grappled with forgiving myself for what I had done in the cult was one of the greatest. I still resort to her words whenever I feel the shame lurking.
If mum were here to watch you on TV I know exactly what she would say. So, on behalf of mum (her name was Grace) I offer these words.
You are strong. You are decent. You have done good. You're helping others wake up.
Then mum would offer her universal solvent for all and any of life's difficulties.
"Len would you like a cup of tea?"
I am blown away with this show. I am so completely grateful for all involved. Just wow!
Thank you all. xxx