After being hatted in the Danny Sherman School of COB speech writing, I took the initiative to write the Official Secret WWII History of L. Ron Hubbard over at Clambake in 2009. Mine is a grand unifying field theory that shows the awesomeness of Hubbard in WWII and how he basically saved the world. Prouty never realized just how deeply sheep-dipped Hubbard been. Here we go then:
When Adolph Hitler first learned of L. Ron Hubbard in 1932, the future Nazi leader was shocked at the threat Hubbard posed to German Psychiatry and to greater Germany itself. Consider the sweeping extent of Hubbard's genius in 1932:
* Hubbard had a Ph.D. in nuclear physics.
* Hubbard had an extensive knowledge of Freudian Psychotherapy.
* Hubbard had traveled the East extensively and had learned the spiritual secrets of Tibetan monks.
* Sgt. Hubbard USMC was an accomplished military man.
* Hubbard had mastered the art of glider flight.
* Hubbard had baffled the Psychiatrists at his university.
* The Young Hubbard had exchanged bodily fluids with an old pervert dressed in a war bonnet: Hubbard had the seed of Old Tom in him.
* Hubbard had traveled the Orient with an officer of the British Navy. The two men explored the pleasures of the love that dared not speak its name.
* Hubbard had commanded ocean expeditions to Puerto Rico to survey for minerals.
Hitler saw in Hubbard an accomplished homosexual mystic, physicist, aviator, expedition leader, and military genius. Hitler at once understood the threat: Hubbard could glide unseen into a pre-radar Germany. Once inside of Germany, Hubbard could work his mystical homosexual charms on Ernst Rohm and take command of the Brown Shirts away from Hitler. Using his skills of military leadership, Hubbard would organize the Brown Shirts and the Army into an effective fighting force that he would use to destroy German Psychiatry and then bring Scientology to Germany and thence to Europe, Russia, and the entire world.
Because Nazism was simply a front for Psychiatry, Hitler organized all of Germany into a war machine that was needed to secretly fend off the threat L. Ron Hubbard posed to German Psychiatry. To ensure the destruction of Hubbard, who was the most powerful being ever, Hitler enlisted the aid of Japan. Together, they began WWII with the secret motive to destroy L. Ron Hubbard.
WWII began. German moles in the US Navy conspired to get L. Ron Hubbard assigned to sub patrol boat USS PC-815. The trap to assassinate Lt. L. Ron Hubbard and end his threat to German Psychiatry was set into motion in the early hours of 19 May 1943 when two enormous Imperial Japanese Navy Kaidai VII-class submarines bristling with deadly torpedoes stalked the USS PC-815. As the subs set up to kill L. Ron Hubbard and end the threat to German Psychiatry, Hubbard's sonar detected them.
The military genius L. Ron Hubbard immediately salvoed depth charges and destroyed the submarines. Both exploded with a "resounding furor" and the blood and guts and oil of the dead subs came to the surface. But these victories came at a cost: Nazi frogmen who had also been tailing the USS PC-815 in smaller boats stole up on Hubbard's blind side and machine-gunned him in the back, hips, and legs. The frogmen then fired sulfuric acid bullets into his eyes and blinded Hubbard. Yet Hubbard, a tough sonofabitch, took his knife and killed all of the Nazi frogmen.
Crippled, blinded, and maimed, L. Ron Hubbard was rushed to the nearest hospital in the Secretary of the Navy's private plane. He was given the Medal of Honor of with Palms, five purple hearts, and 20 other combat medals. However, President Roosevelt ordered "Hubbard's War" to be covered up so that the public would not be scared. Colonel Fletcher Prouty of the US Air Force went in and sheep-dipped LRH's US Navy military records so that it looked like Hubbard had depth-charged iron ore deposits.
Crippled and blinded and suffering from untreated gonorrhea -- which caused him to piss blood, L. Ron Hubbard used his research on the mind to heal his body. While in the hospital, nuclear physicist L. Ron Hubbard wrote the equations for America's first atomic bombs and sent them over to Robert Oppenheimer who stole them and claimed them as his own -- just like Albert Einstein had stolen Hubbard's E=MC2 equation that Ron had written for his Eagle Scout badge in science back in 1918.
*****
"Hubbard's War" broke the morale of Hitler and Hirohito, for they had failed to kill Ron. Hitler and Hirohito both went down tone into apathy. From his hospital bed, L. Ron Hubbard planned D-Day and MacArthur's island hopping campaign on a legal pad over the course of a few days. After that work, Hubbard focused his mind on his body and healed it of 154 wounds from machine gun bullets by re-experiencing the trauma of each bullet hitting his heart, lungs, brain, spinal cord, spleen, liver, pancreas, etc. LRH then cured his eyes by running out all of the sulfuric acid using megadoses of niacin. Needless to say, these wounds would have killed lesser men.
Fully healed, L. Ron Hubbard glided into Berlin as the Russians were closing in on the Fuhrer Bunker. Hubbard killed all of Hitler's guards using jiu jitsu and then stormed in and shot and killed a stunned Adolph Hitler and Eva Braun. Out of bullets, Hubbard fled the bunker and glided back to Allied lines where he briefed Eisenhower. Hubbard's killing of Hitler was covered up by the Allies so that the USSR would never know about the potent killing machine that was L. Ron Hubbard. A scant three months later, Master Aviator L. Ron Hubbard piloted the Enola Gay over Hiroshima and released the bomb. This too was covered up so that the sinister forces of the USSR would not discover America's secret weapon: L. Ron Hubbard.
German Psychiatry was lost and WWII had ended singlehandedly thanks to L. Ron Hubbard.
Powerful Nazis fled to other countries with vast fortunes and then did various Psychiatric shit just to piss off L. Ron Hubbard and Scientology.
The End.
ref:
http://ocmb.xenu.net/ocmb/viewtopic.php?t=30984&postorder=asc&highlight=frogmen&start=120
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