Masturbating in Scientology: Aye, there’s the rub

MathScience

Patron
The irony of this thread is that Scientology is the biggest and most unsatisfying case of mental masturbation the world has ever seen.
 

BardoThodol

Silver Meritorious Patron
Okay I've got it sorted. This issue of masturbation disturbing the peace, production, purpose, blah, blah, blah can easily be resolved.

1. Read, word-clear and play doh demo relevant works by John Harvey Kellogg (Mr Anti-masturbation/cornflake);
2. Watch the movie "The Road to Wellville";
3. Buy large quantities of cornflakes and eat them by the cartload. Note: Must be sugar-free cornflakes otherwise you will become a giggling mess - with suppressed urges to masturbate. That combination could not possibly be comfortable.

Simple. Easy. Thank goodness for cornflakes. :p

Research shows that consuming alcohol rectally will make you drunk much faster.

Further research proved that shoving several bowls of cornflakes into the same orifice will dampen the urge to masturbate inversely proportional to the rate of moisture absorption by the cornflakes.

I don't know if this is true or not, but I've heard that COB is privy to this research, which might well account for the odd way SO members are walking these days.

Not to mention the huge orders of cornflakes from Flag.

Ps. Additional research showed oats to have emollient properties, creating a silken anal cavity which not only increased the urge to masturbate, but also increased the urge to shove things up that cavity while pleasuring oneself.

Which reminds me, I have to add oatmeal to my grocery list.
 

BardoThodol

Silver Meritorious Patron
One further note: LRH, being the most knowledgeable thetan ever, had long ago researched the area of anal absorption rates.

He further postulated the fact that inflow and outflow need to be equal.

It was a no-brainer that the more he talked out of his ass, the more bullshit our minds would absorb.

Understanding absorption rates is so critical in maintaining a cult.
 

JustSheila

Crusader
Incident wouldn't flatten...
Incident wouldn't flatten ....he finally said " OK, which hand are you masterbating with? " The PC says my right hand. Then the auditor says "OK, What are you doing with your left hand?" The PC hesitates and then says..."I have a carrot up my ass."

Okay, alright, so call me dense, but -

what does a banana or carrot up the arse have to do with security?!? :confused2:

This is an "I'm not auditing you", non-confessional type of session.

It's just for the records. For blackmail. Nothing churchy about it.

And they charge tax-free charitable organization donations to coerce people to answer these questions for "Church Dogmatic Security" reasons? :wtf:

Unless the guy is smuggling fruit to Australia and the security officer works for Customs, I just don't see what the heck this has to do with church security. It certainly has nothing to do with religion.

Does that make me stupid because I just don't see the logic of this?
 

La La Lou Lou

Crusader
Okay, alright, so call me dense, but -

what does a banana or carrot up the arse have to do with security?!? :confused2:

This is an "I'm not auditing you", non-confessional type of session.

It's just for the records. For blackmail. Nothing churchy about it.

And they charge tax-free charitable organization donations to coerce people to answer these questions for "Church Dogmatic Security" reasons? :wtf:

Unless the guy is smuggling fruit to Australia and the security officer works for Customs, I just don't see what the heck this has to do with church security. It certainly has nothing to do with religion.

Does that make me stupid because I just don't see the logic of this?

This is an important point. I don't think that scn top execs have a clue about general society and fear that the tabloid press would explode with entheta if they discovered that scientologists were not perfect beings, that they might like to massage their prostate glands while masturbating is a breach of security because it would expose the fact that scientologists are human beings. That would expose the fact that scientology simply does not do what it says on the tin, and that is the biggest breach of security possible. The fact is that OT8s as much as Comm course drop outs all like a self inflicted orgasm every now and then, god when I was in the SO it was the ONLY pleasure I ever had, certainly not the food.

I had such a disagreement with Hubbard saying that sex was a third rate sensation, the giving and receiving of pleasure sexually, and that includes masturbation can be wonderful, if done right, I can only conclude that he was crap in bed. I also don't ever remember him talking about the joy of giving pleasure to his sexual partners, which has to be at least half the fun. His thoughts seemed to be that it was wrong to be effect, that that could cause physical problems, but sex is about cause too or was he simply too autistic to understand that a partner wasn't just there to pleasure him, or to act like a substitute for his hand?
 

oneonewasaracecar

Gold Meritorious Patron
This is an important point. I don't think that scn top execs have a clue about general society and fear that the tabloid press would explode with entheta if they discovered that scientologists were not perfect beings, that they might like to massage their prostate glands while masturbating is a breach of security because it would expose the fact that scientologists are human beings. That would expose the fact that scientology simply does not do what it says on the tin, and that is the biggest breach of security possible. The fact is that OT8s as much as Comm course drop outs all like a self inflicted orgasm every now and then, god when I was in the SO it was the ONLY pleasure I ever had, certainly not the food.

I had such a disagreement with Hubbard saying that sex was a third rate sensation, the giving and receiving of pleasure sexually, and that includes masturbation can be wonderful, if done right, I can only conclude that he was crap in bed. I also don't ever remember him talking about the joy of giving pleasure to his sexual partners, which has to be at least half the fun. His thoughts seemed to be that it was wrong to be effect, that that could cause physical problems, but sex is about cause too or was he simply too autistic to understand that a partner wasn't just there to pleasure him, or to act like a substitute for his hand?

In the Hubbard's admissions, he makes it clear he is unconcerned with the sexual pleasure of women.

As with silent births, Hubbard's misogyny is transparent.
 

Smurf

Gold Meritorious SP
[video=youtube;A-b2YNErwxw]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A-b2YNErwxw[/video]
 

lotus

stubborn rebel sheep!
I try to understand the cornflakes and Oat thing but can't really get what it does :unsure:

I'll too, add it to my gorcery list and demo it :biggrin:
 

Helena Handbasket

Gold Meritorious Patron
Further research proved that shoving several bowls of cornflakes into the same orifice will dampen the urge to masturbate inversely proportional to the rate of moisture absorption by the cornflakes.
I've always wondered -- just exactly what do they do in Cramming? Is it some sort of punishment for making mistakes? :biggrin:

Helena
 

lotus

stubborn rebel sheep!
I guess you guys have read some confidentials LRH research materials I've never seen :duh:
:biggrin:
 

Leland

Crusader
I had such a disagreement with Hubbard saying that sex was a third rate sensation, the giving and receiving of pleasure sexually, and that includes masturbation can be wonderful, if done right, I can only conclude that he was crap in bed. I also don't ever remember him talking about the joy of giving pleasure to his sexual partners, which has to be at least half the fun. His thoughts seemed to be that it was wrong to be effect, that that could cause physical problems, but sex is about cause too or was he simply too autistic to understand that a partner wasn't just there to pleasure him, or to act like a substitute for his hand?


I really agree with this. Nothing in Scientology about sexual enjoyment.....all punishment or prohibition.
 

xseaorguk

Patron Meritorious
After joining the SO at Saint Hill in 1979 I was really looking forward to the "Free" Auditing that had been promised.
That is mainly why I had joined the SO in the first place, as I did not have the money to pay for it.
Quite simple..:yes:
So when I was asked, during my EPF period, if I wanted the famous "Auditing", I was over the moon.:happydance:
Wow, what a lucky person I felt I was, and all free plus I would be getting time off work for this too.
Yes, a SHSBC student needed somebody to audit.
His name was Johannes and was from Iceland.
He was at Saint Hull as a public with his partner/wife.
Both quite pale skinned characters with a funny sense of dress and lovely accent.
I liked Johannes from the word go.
He spoke slowly and calmly and seemed full of kindness and warmth.
I had no idea that this auditing would be a confessional.

After the hours of word clearing we got on to the stuff I had been waiting for, well that was after the "ruds" had been flown, or whatever they called that.
I think it was 3 or 4 questions before starting the auditing.
The one I always got stuck on was the:
" has a withhold been missed"
Every time my heart missed a beat, my stomach felt quite sick and I had the feeling I just did not want to be in that session.
There was no getting away from it as he seemed to be able to read my mind, well so I thought.
At this time I was 20 years old and still a virgin.
However, of course I had been masturbating for years.
I think I was a late starter at about 15 actually, which now seems really late in comparison to friends I have spoken to.
God, where could I begin to start with that question?
Alone the fact that somebody was asking me about this such private activity.
It was all I could think of when asked that question too.
I remember breaking out in sweat every time, but always did eventually give in to it and confessed all of this "naughty" behaviour I was indulging in.
Of course the auditing went on over weeks and I did not give up my masturbating, so I felt I had to confess each time again and again before the auditing could continue.
I also noticed my already quite plump folder laying casually around on the SHSBC supervisors desk in the course room, it made me shudder to see that.
Had the supervisor been reading my confessions?
Who else had been reading this stuff, I wondered:omg:

I must admit, as hard as it was to get all this off my chest, I did experience a great feeling of relief and lightness after the sessions.
(to be continued...)
 

Cat's Squirrel

Gold Meritorious Patron
After joining the SO at Saint Hill in 1979 I was really looking forward to the "Free" Auditing that had been promised.
That is mainly why I had joined the SO in the first place, as I did not have the money to pay for it.
Quite simple..:yes:
So when I was asked, during my EPF period, if I wanted the famous "Auditing", I was over the moon.:happydance:
Wow, what a lucky person I felt I was, and all free plus I would be getting time off work for this too.
Yes, a SHSBC student needed somebody to audit.
His name was Johannes and was from Iceland.
He was at Saint Hull as a public with his partner/wife.
Both quite pale skinned characters with a funny sense of dress and lovely accent.
I liked Johannes from the word go.
He spoke slowly and calmly and seemed full of kindness and warmth.
I had no idea that this auditing would be a confessional.

After the hours of word clearing we got on to the stuff I had been waiting for, well that was after the "ruds" had been flown, or whatever they called that.
I think it was 3 or 4 questions before starting the auditing.
The one I always got stuck on was the:
" has a withhold been missed"
Every time my heart missed a beat, my stomach felt quite sick and I had the feeling I just did not want to be in that session.
There was no getting away from it as he seemed to be able to read my mind, well so I thought.
At this time I was 20 years old and still a virgin.
However, of course I had been masturbating for years.
I think I was a late starter at about 15 actually, which now seems really late in comparison to friends I have spoken to.
God, where could I begin to start with that question?
Alone the fact that somebody was asking me about this such private activity.
It was all I could think of when asked that question too.
I remember breaking out in sweat every time, but always did eventually give in to it and confessed all of this "naughty" behaviour I was indulging in.
Of course the auditing went on over weeks and I did not give up my masturbating, so I felt I had to confess each time again and again before the auditing could continue.
I also noticed my already quite plump folder laying casually around on the SHSBC supervisors desk in the course room, it made me shudder to see that.
Had the supervisor been reading my confessions?
Who else had been reading this stuff, I wondered:omg:

I must admit, as hard as it was to get all this off my chest, I did experience a great feeling of relief and lightness after the sessions.
(to be continued...)

Do you think your friends (if they were that age too) were telling you the truth about that?

I say this because.... I didn't when I was 15.

I and some of my classmates were having "the conversation". I was dumb enough to admit that, yes, I had tried it but I didn't get anywhere,

Of course I wasn't allowed to forget it, and eventually (to my shame) I lied about it to shut them up. I only managed it much later on, and coincidentally, long after I'd left both Scientology and the earlier organisation I was in.

I think there's a connection; you need to be relaxed (in the sense of unselfconscious) and guilt free enough to be able to do it. Maybe others will disagree with me on this one.
 
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DagwoodGum

Squirreling Dervish
In 1993, the U.S.government funded a study to see why the head of a man’s penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $580,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the US published the study, France decided to do their own study as well. After $1.7 million (U.S. dollars) and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

Poland, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $15.46, they concluded that it was to keep a man’s hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.

That reminds me of the governments study as to why turds are tapered? They concluded it's so that your asshole doesn't slam shut.:ohmy:
 

CO2

Patron Meritorious
Do you think your friends (if they were that age too) were telling you the truth about that?

I say this because.... I didn't when I was 15.

I and some of my classmates were having "the conversation". I was dumb enough to admit that, yes, I had tried it but I didn't get anywhere,

Of course I wasn't allowed to forget it, and eventually (to my shame) I lied about it to shut them up. I only managed it much later on, and coincidentally, long after I'd left both Scientology and the earlier organisation I was in.

I think there's a connection; you need to be relaxed (in the sense of unselfconscious) and guilt free enough to be able to do it. Maybe others will disagree with me on this one.

When I was in 8th grade, 1963, when the Beatles first hit in the US, the talk in my art class was about doing "it."

Location: upper middle class San Francisco Bay Area

I didn't do "it" until my birthday, the day I turned 16.

yes, getting off those suppressed held down things (whatever they may be) leave people feeling much better.

I had a PC, once, who had a bad to nonexistent sex ... etc life. Once he came clean, and was willing to talk about his interest in scat games (which I had to look up), he/she extroverted, and found a mate, and over a decade later, has been happily married ever after.

I'm sure that the girl or guy who took a cherry from any other - to this day, is proud of that.

How old you were, when it happened, is irrelevant. What was important was that someone liked you.
 

Helena Handbasket

Gold Meritorious Patron
When I was in 8th grade, 1963, when the Beatles first hit in the US, the talk in my art class was about doing "it."

Location: upper middle class San Francisco Bay Area

I didn't do "it" until my birthday, the day I turned 16.

yes, getting off those suppressed held down things (whatever they may be) leave people feeling much better.

I had a PC, once, who had a bad to nonexistent sex ... etc life. Once he came clean, and was willing to talk about his interest in scat games (which I had to look up), he extroverted, and found a mate, and over a decade later, has been happily married ever after.

I'm sure that the girl or guy who took a cherry from any other - to this day, is proud of that.

How old you were, when it happened, is irrelevant.
What was important was that someone liked you.
How true. (Emphasis mine above.)

Helena
 

Smurf

Gold Meritorious SP
That reminds me of the governments study as to why turds are tapered? They concluded it's so that your asshole doesn't slam shut.:ohmy:

Yup. And NASA discovered what toilet paper & the Star Ship Enterprise have in common. They both fly around Uranus looking for Klingons. :biggrin:
 
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