Mortality

[FinallyMe]

Yup. I was gonna die at one point, pretty traumatic story, but I lived. When it was made clear to me that there was nothing I could do to stop it, my viewpoint changed to my family, not them grieving or sad but whether or not I fulfilled my obligations and did what I was supposed to. I was 13 at the time and I felt a wonderful sense of not right/wrong but complete/incomplete. Does this make sense? All the counseling afterward mostly annoyed me because I found peace in my existence in the trauma. No huge releif about living through it but knowing I lived up to it, really lived. The bonus is I continue to live. I like your topic! Feliz Dia De Los Muertos.
Dilettante

You have put this beautifully!

 

[Dilettante]

Unique, thanks for the response. You get it! The trauma for me was gruesome, death would not have been the worst of it for me. This is where it gets tricky about right and wrong, I understood that those issues were MINOR, integrity and sincerity were major. Living right is a "good" thing but living true and full even wrong would be better. See the tricky? It's hard to express!!!
I guess if we could suspend time our actions would not carry a tense but what remains is the intent.

 

[Dilettante]

Thak you

Thank you
Finally Me, it's nice to have a voice, thanks for hearing me! Hi.

 

[HelluvaHoax!]

You are a hoot! I would get really leery when I hear "make it out of here" or "save the planet from ...". All that time I would think there are some fantastic punchlines but I would get in trouble for joking and degrading. I did think it was funny and I knew no comedian could ever do it justice without full indoctrination. When I came across your humor I was so elated! And I feel smart because I get the jokes. Most of them.
Dilettante

Thanks!

I had a similar experience while in Scientology and I accumulated a gargantuan amount of BPC.

By-passed-Comedy.

It's getting handled now.

 

[Hatshepsut]

Unique, thanks for the response. You get it! The trauma for me was gruesome, death would not have been the worst of it for me. This is where it gets tricky about right and wrong, I understood that those issues were MINOR, integrity and sincerity were major. Living right is a "good" thing but living true and full even wrong would be better. See the tricky? It's hard to express!!!
I guess if we could suspend time our actions would not carry a tense but what remains is the intent.

I had a close to death experience once(or twice or thrice). I had had an overdose. I was 17 and had hitchhiked across the USA from Miami to Chula Vista where I could not make it over the border with my friends into Mexico. I was in a chronically depressed state following a terrible bout with anorexia which destroyed my health.. I ate something like thirty qualludes. I was happy to be leaving. I lay on the sand a ways front of those long wooden steps that go up to the real estate in Long Beach. I admired the sun and contemplated how it was such a mistake that I'd ended up here anyway. I had not accumulated enough responsibility to reflect on whether or not I'd met my obligations. The police were called. I did not want to be saved, and I wanted to be left to finish my departure. I wanted to GO HOME. And thats what it felt like I was doing in my adolescent way. I felt a rising above my body and a natural drawing of myself into the direction of the sunset. As unconsciousness took me over I was a little satisfied about the fact that I could not be made to stand up to walk up all those steps. Do you know how many steps there can be leading down to the beach in that area. I was being interfered with and that was kinda my getting even in a small way. ( did only slightly feel for the persons who did not want a corpse in their yard.) I was sore later when everything in me was pumped out.
I really did not fear anything. I had never made a commitment to be here. I had never made any concrete plans. My existence here was tentative at best. It was never a right item. I had fought desperately NOT to arrive here. I had fought even harder before birth. I wanted out. I was getting out. I had not much sentimentality about it. I was willing to waste this life as an enforced overt have in the first place. Today, I can look back with sadness that I should never have found sweetness enough to make me want to stay at that young age. Adolescence if fraught with deep and misunderstood upsets. And many persons have not survived it.

During the time that I felt I was successfully 'escaping' I did not feel I was going to become nothing or obsolete or lose my identity or my concept of my 'self'. I attribute this to an extreme amount of detachment or maybe some 'sadness' of long duration. I had spent some previous lifetime in a Nepal monastery. I must've felt that I had failed to escape the cycle of birth and death this go 'round. :confused2: (Isn't it amazing how some themes repeat themselves ). I attribute being so loosely tethered and uninvolved with my life to this earlier quest. I think the shell of the mind around us can be flimsy or dense. I think having to solve hard problems gives us accumulated solutions which toughen this shell. The longer we stay interiorized the more we lose our resilience and the harder it gets to leave without feeling we have lost touch with who we were before we went in...or became this.

 

[uniquemand]

How did you feel upon awakening? I mean, it would have been easy to arrange another OD. Why didn't you?

 

[Hatshepsut]

I was sitting at dinner with my son, tonight, discussing the death of my father and his grandmother, who were both struck down by cancer at relatively young ages.

Made me start thinking about my own brushes with death. Seems like a fitting topic for Halloween. How many of you have faced imminent death, or are facing it now? How do you feel about mortality? Do you believe you are immortal?

...snipped....

OK. Hot topic. I can get into this__ 'DO YOU BELIEVE YOU ARE IMMORTAL?'

I have told this story before about my overruning my Purification RD but I have never stressed this particular facet.

There were certain factors that caused me to go into near fatal heart failure as a result of being very loosely C/Sed for this action.

AS a result of the mammoth amount of charge going thru my body and the shock to my system I seemed to have appearing around me a multitude of others. I mean BIG other beings with big charges. Big INT charges. I had contacted presences that I had long ago disconnected from in cycling out of old games. I began to feel I had breached some sort of codes. That I was in violation of something for the fact that I had been knocked OUT and back into the body so hard. Its like these old films where the magician dares to try to sneak by the sleeping dragon ...but it AWAKENS Anger ensues and you are threatened with extinction!!!
I shit you not. This was no mere revivification of an old engram (although it also factored in) it was contact with a BEING who was not 'in' this universe with me. He was someone I'd had problems with and who I'd been a problem to. He had solved me good. I was, up until my purif dilemma, 'off the radar' so to speak. Free to flit around in substitute arenas.
Now, I have to tell you at the time I was on lower levels. I had no knowledge of advanced level phenomena. What I pulled in was a continuation of a program run on me to keep me out of another area. I protested 'of course'. The service fac of choice to offer up was that I was now just a 'human' being and as such could not possibly pose a threat to anyone of the old regime. I offered this up hard. The offering was NOT accepted. The presence and the autorun of the implant to keep me away from this other area was hefty. I did not think my heart could take it. Someone could not make sure enough that I would not appear again.
OMG did I display disabilities of all types in order to get the dogs called off. My 'humanity' or my MORTALITY which I was waving like a flag of surrender was being laughed at as far as I was concerned. In any other situation you can throw a dead body down and get your ticket validated so you can 'leave'. I was too big to get away with the pretense of body death. The offering would not have been sufficient.
You know what it does to a person to have a relied upon and heavily used safe solution be refused. It would be like waking up tomorrow and discovering that money was no longer accepted as a valid form of barter and you made no other plans..

I will never forget the horror of experiencing first hand what a problem my immortality could be to me....to others. I had no safe solutions. I began to mock up compulsively. I felt since I was vulnerable to some of the restimulation through the mindstuff I was carrying that I would dumb myself down. I would desensistize. I was so exterior that it hurts to say this, but after a couple of intensives of review I decided on anti-anxiety pills. (triavil) This medication promptly cut the neuro communications to my legs and my arms so that I was paralyzed upon waking in the morning. I could not move them. Still no safe solution. I eventually emerged from the cocoon I had woven around myself. All the while I felt like the little Dutch boy holding his finger in the dike.

How terrible it was to be immortal during that time. Inescapably immortal. :shark:

 

[Hatshepsut]

How did you feel upon awakening? I mean, it would have been easy to arrange another OD. Why didn't you?

When I came out of rehab in the Orange County facility I was immediately put on the Comm Course. :confused2:
A battery of objectives and CCHs followed on the HQS course. (Hubbard Qualified Scientologist course) Then I volunteered to be the guniea pig for a student doing the drug rundown audit as part of her Dianetics training. Then I bought a Life Repair. Within a year I was never the same.

 

[CarmeloOrchards]

a dying Cubs' fan, Steve Goodman

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wHM4myMjVu0&feature=related

 

[uniquemand]

When I came out of rehab in the Orange County facility I was immediately put on the Comm Course. :confused2:
A battery of objectives and CCHs followed on the HQS course. (Hubbard Qualified Scientologist course) Then I volunteered to be the guniea pig for a student doing the drug rundown audit as part of her Dianetics training. Then I bought a Life Repair. Within a year I was never the same.

Hmm... I experienced some "upper level case" phenomena during my coma, or so scientologists would put it. It was very "Matrix" stuff. I won't detail it here, basically because I view it as psychosis induced by sundowning in ICU for 20 days along with DTs from the four different very strong opiates they were using to control my coma/pain levels from intubation and life support measures, and it was quite disturbing stuff. While all of that was going on, in the background, another part of me was sequestered, and holding on, because I knew that the doctors were doing what they could to repair my body, and I was intensely worried that I wouldn't be there for my children. When I woke up, it was to the breathing tube being pulled out of my throat, and then a nurse using some sort of suctiony thing to get the vomit out of my throat (normal reaction to having that tube removed). Very wierd. I had no memory, and was aware only (at that point) of extreme distress in every bodily system. Very thirsty, very tired, and very paralyzed from my muscles not having been used for so long. I couldn't talk because my throat was damaged by the tube, and I didn't know how to signal that I needed help. They didn't seem to look in on me very often, except when some alarm went off, which happened with great regularity for a while with me. I kept tripping the blue light (heart was stopping, or oxygen level of my blood going very low, blood shearing, apnea, what have you). Then one day when I woke up for a while a woman was there holding my hand. I'll never forget it.

She said "Hi, Kevin, do you know who I am?" I didn't. She told me her name, and that she would take care of me, that she had been there many times since I fell ill. She told me what was wrong with me, and that I was in the hospital (I hadn't understood this before, I thought I was in some sort of torture facility), and that I had been very, very sick, and nearly died. She told me I was still very sick, and not totally out of the woods, but that I had made "a miraculous recovery", and that the "prognosis was a complete recovery". All I knew was that she was beautiful, she was holding my hand, she was telling me the torture was over, and that I was going to be okay.

I burst into tears. She sat and listened to me crying, and then asked if it was okay if she did some body work with me. I didn't know what she meant, but I agreed, because she was like an angel to me. She was the first person to talk TO me, instead of ABOUT me in 20 days, at least. Then, you know what she did? Body Communication processes. She was a Class VI auditor in the FreeZone, and she had been working on me like this for twenty days, and this was the first day that I had been responsive.

So to all the people out there who say that the FreeZone is all about money and manipulation, I say FUCK YOU. This woman is an angel. She did it all for free, and most of the time, everyone thought it was a lost cause, and she was the ONLY one who didn't give up. She convinced my mother to continue treatment when the doctors thought it was hopeless. I know I'll never forget it. She did it out of the goodness of her heart, and she was the most humane person in that hospital.

 

[IMMORTAL]

Hmm... I experienced some "upper level case" phenomena during my coma, or so scientologists would put it. It was very "Matrix" stuff. I won't detail it here, basically because I view it as psychosis induced by sundowning in ICU for 20 days along with DTs from the four different very strong opiates they were using to control my coma/pain levels from intubation and life support measures, and it was quite disturbing stuff. While all of that was going on, in the background, another part of me was sequestered, and holding on, because I knew that the doctors were doing what they could to repair my body, and I was intensely worried that I wouldn't be there for my children. When I woke up, it was to the breathing tube being pulled out of my throat, and then a nurse using some sort of suctiony thing to get the vomit out of my throat (normal reaction to having that tube removed). Very wierd. I had no memory, and was aware only (at that point) of extreme distress in every bodily system. Very thirsty, very tired, and very paralyzed from my muscles not having been used for so long. I couldn't talk because my throat was damaged by the tube, and I didn't know how to signal that I needed help. They didn't seem to look in on me very often, except when some alarm went off, which happened with great regularity for a while with me. I kept tripping the blue light (heart was stopping, or oxygen level of my blood going very low, blood shearing, apnea, what have you). Then one day when I woke up for a while a woman was there holding my hand. I'll never forget it.

She said "Hi, Kevin, do you know who I am?" I didn't. She told me her name, and that she would take care of me, that she had been there many times since I fell ill. She told me what was wrong with me, and that I was in the hospital (I hadn't understood this before, I thought I was in some sort of torture facility), and that I had been very, very sick, and nearly died. She told me I was still very sick, and not totally out of the woods, but that I had made "a miraculous recovery", and that the "prognosis was a complete recovery". All I knew was that she was beautiful, she was holding my hand, she was telling me the torture was over, and that I was going to be okay.

I burst into tears. She sat and listened to me crying, and then asked if it was okay if she did some body work with me. I didn't know what she meant, but I agreed, because she was like an angel to me. She was the first person to talk TO me, instead of ABOUT me in 20 days, at least. Then, you know what she did? Body Communication processes. She was a Class VI auditor in the FreeZone, and she had been working on me like this for twenty days, and this was the first day that I had been responsive.

So to all the people out there who say that the FreeZone is all about money and manipulation, I say FUCK YOU. This woman is an angel. She did it all for free, and most of the time, everyone thought it was a lost cause, and she was the ONLY one who didn't give up. She convinced my mother to continue treatment when the doctors thought it was hopeless. I know I'll never forget it. She did it out of the goodness of her heart, and she was the most humane person in that hospital.

WOW!!!! That is an amazingly powerful experience you just shared. I'm so glad you had someone near to you that really cared and who helped. That is just awesome!!!

 

[uniquemand]

I was very lucky. She never need do anything but call, and I am there.

 

[Dilettante]

Mental Mortal

Hatshepsut!!! Holy crap. What's worse than no escape! No reset, no certificate for you, no reckoning, nothing! My own past lives are unbeknownst to me so I always wondered about that "dillema", now you know and what are you supposed to do with it? That knowledge could be useful if it clarified a purpose or accompanied a great power or something. I would be angry to assign each lifes significances some importance, angrier still to do it endlessly. You express yourself very well in what you shared. I don't mean any offense at all by my comments but this is why I am on ESMB! I am genuinly interested and in awe of the intelligence of the conversation. I was NO angel at 13! But my point of view was always reaching for more, sadly not always understanding but more anyhow.
Unique, yours was a unique interlude in that nether world. This is a good sampling of self-inflicted; medical; and by force. I am not one to condone the use of drugs but I have experienced perceptions that had some value under similar circumstances. Those perceptions may be acurate or introspective but they are mine, as well as you having yours.
Dil

 

[Hatshepsut]

You made me laugh at myself.

But that don't mean I ain't serious.

 

[Dilettante]

"It taught me not to take my life for granted."

"........... One day I might post the full story here, but not today."

"However, what did I learn from this scariest experience of my life?

It ain't over until the fat lady sings ....and I'm not sure I want to hear her anytime soon.[/QUOTE]"

Mr. Nobody indeed

Let' not take for granted the fact that we are lucky to have a tommorow and I am anticipating your story. In the meantime I enjoy your insights.
Dil

 

[uniquemand]

I learned not to take my life for granted, either, but also that quality of life was possibly even more important than staying alive. I cannot bear to watch people on life support right now, because I know their misery. The inability to end the misery is extremely difficult to confront.

 

[TG1]

Hmm... I experienced some "upper level case" phenomena during my coma, or so scientologists would put it. It was very "Matrix" stuff. I won't detail it here, basically because I view it as psychosis induced by sundowning in ICU for 20 days along with DTs from the four different very strong opiates they were using to control my coma/pain levels from intubation and life support measures, and it was quite disturbing stuff. While all of that was going on, in the background, another part of me was sequestered, and holding on, because I knew that the doctors were doing what they could to repair my body, and I was intensely worried that I wouldn't be there for my children. When I woke up, it was to the breathing tube being pulled out of my throat, and then a nurse using some sort of suctiony thing to get the vomit out of my throat (normal reaction to having that tube removed). Very wierd. I had no memory, and was aware only (at that point) of extreme distress in every bodily system. Very thirsty, very tired, and very paralyzed from my muscles not having been used for so long. I couldn't talk because my throat was damaged by the tube, and I didn't know how to signal that I needed help. They didn't seem to look in on me very often, except when some alarm went off, which happened with great regularity for a while with me. I kept tripping the blue light (heart was stopping, or oxygen level of my blood going very low, blood shearing, apnea, what have you). Then one day when I woke up for a while a woman was there holding my hand. I'll never forget it.

She said "Hi, Kevin, do you know who I am?" I didn't. She told me her name, and that she would take care of me, that she had been there many times since I fell ill. She told me what was wrong with me, and that I was in the hospital (I hadn't understood this before, I thought I was in some sort of torture facility), and that I had been very, very sick, and nearly died. She told me I was still very sick, and not totally out of the woods, but that I had made "a miraculous recovery", and that the "prognosis was a complete recovery". All I knew was that she was beautiful, she was holding my hand, she was telling me the torture was over, and that I was going to be okay.

I burst into tears. She sat and listened to me crying, and then asked if it was okay if she did some body work with me. I didn't know what she meant, but I agreed, because she was like an angel to me. She was the first person to talk TO me, instead of ABOUT me in 20 days, at least. Then, you know what she did? Body Communication processes. She was a Class VI auditor in the FreeZone, and she had been working on me like this for twenty days, and this was the first day that I had been responsive.

So to all the people out there who say that the FreeZone is all about money and manipulation, I say FUCK YOU. This woman is an angel. She did it all for free, and most of the time, everyone thought it was a lost cause, and she was the ONLY one who didn't give up. She convinced my mother to continue treatment when the doctors thought it was hopeless. I know I'll never forget it. She did it out of the goodness of her heart, and she was the most humane person in that hospital.

I am late reading this thread on a lunch break -- am not even through yet and have so many responses I would like to make to others who've posted their stories here.

But UM -- yours above has me in tears. Oh, man.

I will be nicer to you in chat.

TG1

 

[TG1]

Some comments to others' stories posted above ....

IMMORTAL,

I have found through my own experiences and heard from others that the HIGH SPEED with which one can move around (or imagines one moves around -- take your pick) is a common element in near-death experiences and, I suppose (?), also for those who really do die.

When I first encountered this element of high speed I was surprised, but found I was able to keep up with everything that was going on, since all that speed was accompanied by hyper-awareness. (In my case, no drugs were involved, but don't know that was or wasn't a factor.)


HELLUVAHOAX,

Like you, I don't know what's going to happen. I'm also from Missouri, was actually born there. But that doesn't stop me from looking and wondering. It does stop me from climbing up on a soap box and telling the world that my current inklings are surely true for not only me but every other poor sod who ever lived. Wouldn't that be arrogant!


TAJ,

Like you, my own memories (or imaginings - again, you be the judge) of past incarnations don't seem to possess my current personality or talents or shortcomings. However, I do have some recollections (or imaginings) of deciding what kind of life I would like to have next time around and being fairly successful in achieving those future goals.


ALANZO,

Like you, I am much more focused on enjoying my life this time around than on anything in the past or the future. I'm not living to better myself next time around or to validate anything in the past. Frankly, there's enough to pay attention to right now. I'll already did the past and will do the future. What's for supper tonight?


UNIQUEMAND,

I really do think you're a special guy. So smart. And not a cynic. You're so lucky you're not a cynic. I have such affection for you.


Everybody else, thank you for your stories. I wish more would post on this thread. I would like to hear what others have to say on this topic.

TG1

 

[uniquemand]

I'm not a cynic because I came through without serious long-term side-effects. Or did I come through without long-term serious side effects because I'm not a cynic? Or does causality have no relationship to my attitudes?

At any rate, I think there are more people out there facing mortality issues than have piped up.

It's a tough one to face.