Part 12
Under The Radar. Till Now
I needed to get my life in order right now, I felt. After so much time spent tied up with the cult, I didn't want to have the rest of my life spent combatting and opposing it, stuck to it as if it were my own personal tar-baby. I didn't want to have to deal with the harassment and dirty tricks that I'd witnessed the Church use against its critics during many years of first hand experience. Even though I now believed firmly that the Church did far more harm than good, and I knew I was completely done, I decided to keep my conclusions to myself. I just wanted to get on with my life, and I hoped to maintain my connection to my kids, even if I knew as Sea Org members they would not agree with my going "off lines".
I explained to those who tried to get me back "on lines" or to "handle" or "recover" me over the next 18 years about my mishaps at Flag, that I just didn't feel I was getting results commensurate with the effort and expense required to be on the OT levels, that I decided I needed to get my life in order, that I got tired of feeling pushed around and "out code of honor", that I wasn't interested in taking any services "at the present time", any "acceptable truth" that would explain my inactivity. But I did not publicly depart the Church, ask off the mailing lists, publicly criticize the Church, or align myself with critics or Anti-Scientologists. I avoided saying things that I knew would end me getting declared SP, added to an enemy list, attacked, or declared "fair game".
Was this the right thing to do? On the one hand it gave me a time to recover from the effects of Scientology in peace, and to create an existence that was simpler, happier, more successful financially, and more normal. On the other hand I have had to censor myself and bite my tongue when talking to staff or prior acquaintances trying to "handle" me or get me to buy books or take services again, including my own kids. I kept receiving piles of unwanted promotion and calls from blocked, unknown, or spoofed numbers. And as I followed the news of important departures and watched documentaries and video blogs of critics or read their print blogs, I often wanted to cheer them on or add my two cents, and I chaffed at feeling my voice muzzled and silenced.
No one wants to be harassed, sued, or fair-gamed. No one wants to lose contact with one's children, other family members, or loved ones. But many brave people have spoken out before me and suffered those things, in a courageous effort to make known the truth of Scientology's abuses, crimes, deceptions, and betrayals. Without their visible acts of courage, I and many other people would probably still be living out unhappy and damaged lives within the group, isolated, cowed, and with no hope of exit. And many new people would have been drawn into the same seductive trap that captured me in my own "prison of belief." After reflection, I feel quietly escaping and avoiding hostilities with a group that has from its inception shown a vindictive tendency to try to destroy defectors and critics was the right thing for me to do.
But now it is time to face what has been scaring me and keeping me quiet. I am not a criminal, a suppressive person, or a psychopath because I finally came to the honest conclusion that Scientology wasn't working for me and was in fact harming me and many others. I have a right to state and write my own opinions without being harassed, injured, and called a bigot, a hater, or a Nazi. I've been silenced and muzzled long enough. I'm telling the truth as I experienced it and am willing to be counted
So glad you included how you stopped, pondered and looked around to see the real truths of life and made the conscious decision to get yourself back on the road of reality. Perhaps many still wandering in delusion will stumble upon your personal tale and let go of the delusions so surreptitiously presented in scientology. You certainly have provided a very educational tool for such.
