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My formal introduction and probably goodbye as well

WildKat

Gold Meritorious Patron
Hello to ESMB and to the lurkers especially. I have never formally introduced myself the way most people do (by posting an intro in the New Member Intros category.)

I actually started lurking here and on xenu.net almost two years ago, and didn’t post for a long time out of fear of being identified. I still had family and friend connections and didn’t want to risk alienating them. So it took many months for me to even make my first post. Those family and friends are basically not close to me anymore, so I have more of a “who gives a shit” attitude about everything. I used to fear getting declared. Now I would laugh in relief if it happened.

I am a voracious reader, so over the years I’ve spent hours and hours poring through most of the threads; I didn’t have much else to do after my life was decimated and I was picking up the pieces. At any rate, I want to express my gratitude to those who contributed some great material on this board over the years—you know who you are. :thumbsup:

Lately, however, I’m finding that I spend too much time sifting through the muck and mire, and finding fewer and fewer nuggets of good information. I wish that there could be a summary or digest of the stellar posts, and an editing out of the crap and commentary on crap. People who come here for help and understanding can get lost in the muck that buries all the good material.:grouch:

[unnecessary paragraph edited out]

OK, sorry, just had to vent a little. What I want to do is summarize my story here, all in one post, and then leave it at that. I am hoping to get it all off my chest and then move on. I think we should all move on eventually, but that’s easier said than done, isn’t it? When you’ve given the best years of your life to a cult (and it IS a cult by every definition), well….. it’s not so easy to set it aside and get on with your life.

Here’s a short recap of my past thirty years. I’ll try to keep from rambling and focus more on the philosophical rather than the specifics.

I got into the world of Scientology 30 years ago by reading the Dianetics book. Being insecure and having low self-esteem, I figured I was pretty messed up and needed some “self-help”. After reading the book in one weekend, I thought going clear sounded pretty good. Who wouldn’t want to do that? Let’s all get rid of our hang-ups and be better people. Nothing wrong with that, right?

So I found the local mission (a mere 3 miles away) and asked about getting auditing, and promptly got routed to the Comm Course instead. I figured I could use some help in communication, so why not. I got part way through it, then got a flu or cold at which time it got pointed out to me that someone in my environment who opposed me getting better was the source. (My mother thought Scientology was a cult—imagine that!! :duh: ) Sorry mom.

Anyway, I realized early on that this was going to be a big commitment and that it might be better if I was not living at home with this woman who “opposed betterment”, so about a year later I moved out of the house, and started back up at the Valley Org, which was closer and had a lot more people. I still had my “ruins” of course.

I quickly completed the Comm Course, and in less than a year I had done the Student Hat, the NED Auditors Course, the Ministers Course and Life Repair (which was a disaster). But it was in these Life Repair sessions (or the clean-up lists thereafter) that I was led to believe, based on meter reads and indications, that I had already gone Clear.

Of course, like many others who went this route, it doesn’t take much to do a quick math calculation and figure out that I was an adult in the 1950’s in my last lifetime and the only way I could have gone clear was to have been audited by LRH himself! (Wow, aren’t I the chosen one!:p ) How many Scientologists out there born after the 50’s came up with the same conclusion?? It sure appeals to the ego and makes the needle float, doesn’t it?

In later auditing I became sure that the thing messing me up was that I desperately needed the OT levels and needed to get onto solo auditing. I will make a long story short and say that I did eventually end up doing OT III and had a horrible time on it. And the Xenu story is bizarre in the extreme. I had “case cracking” at Flag in the 80’s and end of endless repair and everything else, attempting to clean up the mess.

In the early 90’s, after yet another review session to “sort out my case” I became nearly suicidal at the thought that I needed yet more money for more intensives and after all this auditing I was feeling pretty fucked up. When my money on account ran out, I said “that’s it I’m done". Just like Jason Beghe, the more I did, the more fucked up I felt. Of course, I knew it must be all my fault. Bad people pull in bad auditing, right?

I could quite easily have become another Lisa McPherson, that’s how messed up I was and how depressed and suicidal. I was actually relieved at the idea that I could tell the Regges in later years that I was suicidal in order to get them to just leave me alone.

But I’m jumping ahead here.

In ’79 or ’80 I got recruited for the SO at Int (or “over the Rainbow” as it was described by the recruiter in order to create more mystery and intrigue.) I also remember him telling me that LRH himself did the C/Sing of the staff so of course you will get the best auditing! After my botched Life Repair and the indication that I must have gone clear last lifetime, this was the answer to all my problems. If I went uplines, LRH himself would fix me!! Maybe he would even audit me and recognize me as one of his former pcs! I actually believed this shit hook, line and sinker. :duh: And I signed the Billion year contract and off I went to Golden Era Studios.

Well, I had a fairly uneventful year there, despite being posted in HCO and seeing all the craziness and madness going on. It was exciting to be around the film crew and know that Int management was just up the road doing "secret and powerful things for the expansion of Scientology". It was pretty exciting to my naive mind. At any rate, the food was decent, I slept at Old Gilman House and I enjoyed the climate and mountainous/desert terrain. It wasn’t all bad, nothing like the stories you hear about life there in the 90’s or this decade. Miscavenger hadn’t taken the reins yet, and apparently LRH was running things behind the scenes only. I’m not sure about this, because I never did meet him. He was still busy keeping a low profile and not making any public appearances there.

The big event during my year or so uplines was that I met my husband (labeled ethics trouble by HCO) but since I was always drawn to rebels, we did get married, while still in the SO. After returning from our short leave of absence for a wedding, we were promptly comm-ev’d for out-2D for having had sex prior to marriage. Apparently I had arrived on the heels of some flagrant out-2D behavior among the crew that resulted in a knee-jerk reaction to clamp down on any instance of it. Of course, it was ridiculous to label us out-2D when we did get married anyway, but things were starting to get pretty irrational.

Also around that time, the GO guys had been busted and sent uplines for ethics handlings and “watching”. My husband ended up guarding these heavy-hitters (Jane Kember, Diana Hubbard, David Gaiman, et al) while they were doing their lowers. I also got to meet David Mayo, as we ended up on the RPF doing renos and whatever other shit jobs needed doing, including cleaning out his office. I remember thinking that for someone that powerful and OT (Mayo) it was a bit out-pointy that his office was a pigsty with unorganized clutter everywhere. Don’t OT’s have orderly environments? He was busted not much later, rightly or wrongly.

The thing that put us over the edge was that someone (LRH or Miscavige?) deemed it very important to get 10 tech films done in a matter of months, so there was an all-out push to do this. Liberties were cancelled, enhancement was cancelled, sleep was cancelled, that sort of thing. I don’t remember anything actually extremely criminal or degrading going on, just heavy pressure to get everything done and a lot of long hours and sacrifice on the part of the crew.

As I mentioned, in 1981 my husband and I were married in a quick ceremony, we came back to a Comm Ev, and things went downhill after that. The RPF was not that bad and we got through it. And the 10 films were released. But there were all kinds of ripples of discontent and some staff blew and there was an air of danger and mistrust. (This was also the era of the Mission network being gutted.)

Later that year, it was announced that a house-cleaning would be done and that an AMNESTY was being announced which was that anyone who wanted to leave could do so, no freeloader debt, no penalty, nothing. Yeah, for real!!
My husband and I looked at each other and said “hey, now’s the time”. :omg:

We had talked about having a family. There were no kids at Int at all. I don’t remember a written policy about this, it was an “everyone knows” sort of thing. So we packed our few possessions and got out. I shudder to think how things might have ended up had we stayed.

So back to “normal life” and finding jobs and figuring out how to get up the Bridge the usual way. I had had a career before the Sea Org so it was not a big deal for me to get back in the workforce. My husband, however, had dropped out of high school at 16 to join the SO, so it was a pretty big reality adjustment for him.

I should mention that his whole family, parents and sister, were/are all hard-core Scientologists. His mom attained Class 8, and both his parents completed through OT VIII in short order. They were the “perfect” Scientology family. My husband received his OT III package courtesy of his parents, and zipped through it with raving success apparently.

I went on to deal with the fantasy of “having gone clear last life” and needing to get through OT III myself, and of course that was a pretty brutal affair and very rough slogging.

In retrospect, I see that auditing can easily become implanting, and I question whether it is really done “right” for most people. Most people are very open to suggestion by authority and peer pressure to agree with whatever everyone else agrees with, and when someone you respect who “obviously knows more than you” makes an indication from a list, well, the mind struggles to make the indication real and run with it. If the indication appeals to the ego in some way, (“I’d like to indicate you went Dianetic Clear”) you can say “wow, I must have gone clear last lifetime and didn’t get the OT levels, so no wonder I crashed, and oh, that explains this and that” and …..on and on.)

I never liked to think I was so easily manipulated, but looking back on it, we pretty much all were. So many people I know practically worshipped LRH as the ultimate authority on everything. He couldn’t be wrong could he?
After living through my last auditing cycle at Flag and deciding I was done with it, I slowly came round to the idea that LRH was a flawed human who did not have all the answers, but he sure was confident about it all and could inspire confidence and blind loyalty in others (wow, just like a cult leader!)

People were indoctrinated to believe that anything that helped the Scientology cause was good and anything that opposed Scientology was evil. It was the greatest good to vanquish evil, and so anything labeled evil or against LRH…. Well, those devoted fans would have done anything. The viewpoint is not dissimilar to the Muslim terrorists: “We know the real truth and everyone else is wrong” and just about anything can be justified with that mindset. The greatest good is the greatest good, right? Just about anything can be justified when the world is black and white like that.

It took me most of the 90’s to normalize and start thinking rationally again. I came to realize that Hubbard was not the savior of mankind, that the SO was manipulation and slave labor, that the tech was likely very flawed, and that it was not all it was cracked up to be. I also started to get the idea that MAYBE LRH was on a valid and noble quest in the early days to help people get better, but that somewhere along the line he got sidetracked and the game became “squeeze the maximum amount of money out of people and keep them going towards an ever-elusive goal of a non-existent state called OT”. "Clearing the planet one bank account at a time!" (I didn't make that up but I love it!) :thumbsup:

The road to freedom becomes the road to the ultimate trap and ultimate slavery of souls. (Hence my moniker “Roadkill”.) There’s a hell of a lot of roadkill on that road to freedom.

One important fact I’m not proud of. After leaving the SO I became pregnant. This happened at the same time I was under the delusion that I was clear last lifetime and just needed desperately to go OT since I was so obviously “at risk”. I reasoned that the prices were so outrageous that if there was any hope of going OT and getting free from risk, children would just get in the way. People who were on-purpose and dedicated to OT and “salvaging this sector” should make sacrifices. And I made that sacrifice: no more pregnancy. :bigcry:

Looking back on it, I see just how deluded I had become. I never thought I had much in the way of maternal instincts anyway, but the allure of “let’s go OT this lifetime! There might not be another chance!” That “brief breath” and all – I’ve had other lifetimes to have kids, but this lifetime we can go OT for eternity, so it’s a small price to pay, isn’t it? Another sacrifice for the greater good?

Now at a stage in my life when I should be helping my kids and playing with grandchildren, I can look back on an empty life devoid of family. Isn’t that great? :bigcry: And I can’t even levitate an ashtray! :duh:

So thru the 90's I basically just tried to get on with my life. Meantime, I’m still connected in the Scientology community, working for Scientology companies, with Scientologist friends. My husband and I are paying lip-service to “maybe getting going again someday”…. Right…. I knew I was done.

As the years went by, I saw more and more OT’s fall on their faces. Many got sick, many died too young, one went off to commit suicide after contracting a deadly disease; the more I watched the stats, the more I saw that there was something wrong big time.

Even after GAT (Golden Age of Tech) the stats continued to suffer. I saw people who made (or inherited) lots of money and had huge egos spring up the Bridge, and I noticed that a few of these were not nice people. They were full of themselves and very arrogant. I also noted that a lot of good decent people had fallen to the wayside and did very little on the Bridge.

I think a lot of us instinctively knew something was very wrong and we could not be part of it. But it was too dangerous to talk to each other and say what we thought. I lived a decade and a half through this not talking, just standing on the sidelines and observing. I felt like I was the little kid in the children’s story “The Emperor’s New Clothes” (Google that if you never heard of it – it’s very germaine to us exes.) More of us need to point out that the god-damned emperor is indeed naked!

I could not pretend that things were just great in the Church when I saw the failures day in and day out. Too many OT’s crashing. Too many people declaring bankruptcy after giving their all to the Church. Too many people spending decades and getting nowhere. Too many people pretending everything was OK and if it wasn’t, then it was fault of the SP’s and psychiatrists, or their own failures…. Too many people like me who were simply standing on the side afraid to express disagreement.

Finally, someone very close to me, an OT VIII and Class 8, had a very bad experience. I went into detail in a previous post about this, but suffice it to say, with all her auditing and all her training, what I witnessed was a thetan in great distress and great physical torment, who probably wanted to die and couldn’t. She was not that old. It was devastating to witness up close.

Then came the time of the Great Basics Event where Miscavenger announced that the “evil transcriptionists” were to blame and that everyone just needed to re-do all the basics. So many people around me latched onto this “why” for all the bad things going on, including all the failed OT VIIIs. “Well, she just didn’t have her basics done right, so let’s all go back and do our basics again so we don't turn out like her. Isn’t this great?” :angry: Hardly.

The straw that broke the camel’s back for me was when my husband then announced that he wanted to get back on the horse and get some auditing, and maybe get the L’s – of course his program would only cost $100,000! Here he was all happy about it, regges starting showing up on our doorstep at 10:00 at night to milk him for money, and all I could see was the end of the road for us. I was devastated. :bigcry:

I wrote about this in another post, but here’s the upshot: I knew that I would be targeted to “get myself handled” and get back on lines to get sorted out and find out what was missed and get a new program and go see the reg and won’t everything be great again if I would just go along and get along?

I said to my husband, “I am done with it. If you want to go ahead I wouldn’t stand in your way, if that’s what you truly want. But we have to have some agreement on finances, and I don’t think I can go on living in this Scientology community. If you don’t have a problem with me not being on the Bridge, then who cares. It’s just between you and me.” And he said “I do have a problem with it.”

Well, that’s when I knew it was over, that the best thing we could do was part ways. We had 26 years between us, we were pretty good together, but he was walking toward and embracing something that disgusted me. There was no way it was going to work. And if I stayed around much longer, I would be seen as the reason things were bad – the counter-intention that stood in his way.

Last year, in August, I made the decision to get the hell out of Dodge (actually Clearwater) and create a new life. I walked away from everything, a beautiful home, a good man (he’s a truly good person but he labors under the mass delusion that is the Cult) and many friends. I knew if I spoke up and really told everyone what I thought, I would get declared, so I felt it best to just leave quietly and let them say what they want about me. So I did.

It’s now over a year later. I live near my aging dad and many relatives and have rediscovered the idea of family and taking responsibility for family connections. I am saddened still that I don’t have my own children or grandchildren. But I have a great house and a job and new friends here.

I will not lie and say I am super happy just one year after throwing away my old life and rebuilding a new one. I still have periods of depression and sadness, but these periods are getting less and less. :thumbsup:

At this stage of life (50’s) you have to confront your mortality. Scientologists do a good job of not-ising issues like this. “Oh it’s just a body. Nothing matters except going OT.”

Well, I beg to differ. Life matters. Decency matters. Making decisions based on logic and not delusion—that matters. Being free of the chains of a cult which promises freedom and delivers bankruptcy and total slavery. Some of the stories are truly horrific. In retrospect, I’m really one of the lucky ones.

If my story helps one person see that there is hope and a route back to sanity, then it will be worth it.

Thanks for listening.
 
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EP - Ethics Particle

Gold Meritorious Patron
Thank you...

...snip...

At this stage of life (50’s) you have to confront your mortality. Scientologists do a good job of not-ising issues like this. “Oh it’s just a body. Nothing matters except going OT.”

Well, I beg to differ. Life matters. Decency matters. Making decisions based on logic and not delusion—that matters. Being free of the chains of a cult which promises freedom and delivers bankruptcy and total slavery. Some of the stories are truly horrific. In retrospect, I’m really one of the lucky ones.

If my story helps one person see that there is hope and a route back to sanity, then it will be worth it.

Thanks for listening.

Great post! I feel quite sure that more than one will be helped by it. :yes:

Do not be a stranger.

Love,

Mike aka Roy and EP
 

Wisened One

Crusader
Wow, Roadkill. :hug: :bigcry: :hug:

Thank you ever so much for sharing your story with us!

You went through sooooo much for them, huh? :no: And what did we all get in return? Worse health when we left, debts and family unhandled, disconnections, etc.etc...

It took a great deal of courage and strength on your part to do what you did...both in and walking away from the cult AND your marriage!

Your story shed a lot of light for me...on many points...about how you noticed too, some of the same things....like the OT's getting sick, etc...:no:

I wish you much love, luck and success in your new life. I, too am reconnected with family (that was never in). And I'd never trade that!

I hope you stay here and post more with us, roadkill! But if you don't, I understand as well!

:bighug:

Michelle
 

uniquemand

Unbeliever
Thanks, Roadkill (hope you don't consider this too much of an eval, but that's a morbid name!). I'm so sorry you lost your husband. This is what the Church of Scientology does. You know it, I know it, and sadly, we aren't alone in this, not by a longshot.

I hope you have something that really attracts your interest to get excited about, but I know it can be "hard to care" after living in such a false enthusiasm area, and having been burned. I hope you will have the strength to continue, and will surround yourself with people who love you and support you. It's critical! Don't isolate yourself, or allow yourself to be isolated. Many scios, after leaving, feel that nothing is worth it, etc.

Don't let this post be your last. This group understands what you have been through, or is capable of understanding it. Many of us have been where you are, right now. Time passes. In my case, the wounds healed, and I've found a new life. I wish the same for you.
 

klidov

Silver Meritorious Patron
Thanks, Roadkill (hope you don't consider this too much of an eval, but that's a morbid name!). I'm so sorry you lost your husband. This is what the Church of Scientology does. You know it, I know it, and sadly, we aren't alone in this, not by a longshot.

I hope you have something that really attracts your interest to get excited about, but I know it can be "hard to care" after living in such a false enthusiasm area, and having been burned. I hope you will have the strength to continue, and will surround yourself with people who love you and support you. It's critical! Don't isolate yourself, or allow yourself to be isolated. Many scios, after leaving, feel that nothing is worth it, etc.

Don't let this post be your last. This group understands what you have been through, or is capable of understanding it. Many of us have been where you are, right now. Time passes. In my case, the wounds healed, and I've found a new life. I wish the same for you.

^^^THIS^^^^
 

Axiom142

Gold Meritorious Patron
Thanks for telling us your story Roadkill.

I was sorry to hear of all the things that have happened to you. Perhaps by telling us you will help to prevent this sort of thing happening to someone in the future? If you have saved just one person, it will have been worthwhile.

I’m also sorry to hear that you find too much ‘muck and mire’ on this board. I agree that there is sometimes too much arguing, but that is inevitable I guess, given the nature of what most have us have been through. I still think that there is much of value and that people can be helped by coming here.

I really hope that you are now in a position to put this all behind you and move on with your life.

Good luck. :goodluck:

Axiom142
 

Voltaire's Child

Fool on the Hill
I hope that you will continue to post as there are a lot of interesting topics and posts here and a lot of really terrific people. But in any event, good luck in the future. I am glad you left the cult.
 

Free to shine

Shiny & Free
Thankyou so much for your beautifully written overview. How do you put decades into one post? Yet you did, and your story resonates with me, for one. I also spent a lot of time on the sidelines, pretending to be one of the true believers and feeling just like roadkill myself. I am sure there are many thousands of people who feel like this, and it helps to know that you can walk away and survive, and in time come to actually find happiness in normal life.

I had to completely walk away from my life as well and start afresh. It can be done, and the courage to do so comes when you realise that as an individual you have the right to respect and love yourself. Perhaps baby steps at first, but it snowballs! :)
 

tookmeawhile

Patron with Honors
Thanks

Thanks for sharing your story, Roadkill. Having been a Scio for 28 plus years, I understand and appreciate your story. I wish you a happy and bright future! :thumbsup:
 
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Tim Skog

Silver Meritorious Patron
:goodposting: I think your post will help others. Keep shining that light that is in you and good luck.
 

Carmel

Crusader
Thanks for sharing all this roadkill.

It sounds like you have done pretty well in a relatively short time. You have had a lot to contend with, and still do have - not easy to let go of everything and 'start again'.

All the best :)
Carmel
 

sandygirl

Silver Meritorious Patron
RK

That was a fantastic post!! It is truly sad about your husband but some people have a hard time letting go of the promises of Scio. (even though they see those promises broken time after time).

Your post is the type that will help others who are looking for the strength to get out.

Sounds like you're an amazing person!!!:yes:
 

Panda Termint

Cabal Of One
Thank you for posting this Roadkill.
To me, this is what ESMB is all about and you've done your part in helping us.
Good luck and all the best for a wonderful life.
Visit with us whenever you get a chance or have more to tell.
Love, Panda
 

Kathy (ImOut)

Gold Meritorious Patron
Thanks for the post, Roadkill. I wonder if we knew each other. I lived in Clearwater from May 1993 until November 1998.

You write a good story. Some of it rings so true in my head.
 

I told you I was trouble

Suspended animation
Roadkill,

Your story is incredible ...

Good luck with your life.

:bighug:

Thank-you for taking the time to post it.

PS I love your name (esp after reading why you chose it).
 
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