My in and out story

[Free to shine]

Thanks for that, yes that's an excellent way of putting it, stomping all over one's desire to help. I find it very difficult to articulate a lot of what I went through still however indeed so far this is a very therapeutic site and I'm sure in time it will all trickle out. I've not been able to hold down a job since I got booted out, (well I say I got booted out, I did, but it didn't stop them continuing to follow me or bang my front door in to get me to go back, confusing or what!) or be in groups of people without having panic attacks.. well that's another thread I think, musn't get carried away!

Welcome Pixie!
There are so many of us who understand. I found ESMB when I was telling a friend a staff story and he looked at me blankly and said "you need to find other exes" because he just could not help. So I did.

I suggest starting a thread in the story section and just adding to it as and when you want to. Take it slowly, don't try to analyse anything, just write. It can be amazingly helpful just to express feelings about what happened and the more you write, the easier it is to let it go as well. And enjoy life again!

 

[Pixie]

Welcome Pixie!
There are so many of us who understand. I found ESMB when I was telling a friend a staff story and he looked at me blankly and said "you need to find other exes" because he just could not help. So I did.

I suggest starting a thread in the story section and just adding to it as and when you want to. Take it slowly, don't try to analyse anything, just write. It can be amazingly helpful just to express feelings about what happened and the more you write, the easier it is to let it go as well. And enjoy life again!

Thank you Free To Shine, yes, I'll do that instead of blabbing all over the place not to mention blubbing! Pity I didn't know about this site a year ago, I've been sitting in this for over a year, it's been terrible, and people think you're just plain crazy, oh just let it go they say, easier said than done! But yes, I'll do that for sure and thank you again..and I'm sure I'll be dancing again soon!

 

[Wisened One]

Thank you so much for the welcome. It's taken me over a year to even talk about it, I've been off staff now for almost ten years, and would have gone to my grave defending it had it not been for someone sending me a few links over a period of six months which I reluctantly read. I was still brainwashed, almost ten years out and still defending it madness. And when I finally did 'wake-up', I cried for weeks on end and had no one to talk with, well I couldn't talk about it really. This is the right site for me for sure and I am relieved beyond words that I do in fact have other people to talk with as I am still shocked and heartbroken. I mean does the feeling of 'loss' ever go away? I lost my husband, and before that I lost the love of my life because we were split up because being 'in love' was .. 'other fish to fry', I still hate that statement.. and of course, all my scientology friends, loved them all, even the bad ones, cos the bad ones.. well we all know they were only following orders.. Yes Emma, a cup of strong coffee on the way.. and a ciggy, deep breaths.... thanks again..

and Welcome to ESMB, Pixie. Can't wait to read your stories!

This place is sooooo healing and wonderful! I at first found ESMB in 2007 posted a bit, then stopped posting online for a year and became more active just a few months ago here When I told my stories here, I did so in stages...at first in very vague, no details ways, fearing OSA and being declared,etc. then slowly, I just HAD to tell my stories with more details, names, dates, and then going so far as to releasing my real name, what Org I and Hubby worked at, then even posting my pic on here!

Well, since I've done those things....my MIND has OPENED UP probably for the very first time! I could SEE WHAT I had been in..and the control, insidious, slow gradient mental and spiritual abuse, etc!

GLAD you found us and are OUT!

We've been OUT for four years now.
(Blew then routed off Staff in 1995 tho).

KEEP typing and reading, you'll feel yourself becoming more and more empowered......

Michelle

 

[Good twin]

Hello Pixie. Welcome to the sandbox. I'm learning so much more about myself now that I am able to think and look and say what I think and see.
I find myself today kind of looking for what I liked about Scientolgy. :confused2: Wondering what I will miss. Trying to analyze the loss part of getting out. I've handled one of the things that I had to complete before coming fully out and the other will be done any day now. I'm getting more anxious to just tell you all exactly who I am. I'm not worried about being declared (been there) or being fair gamed (done that). I'm not gonna miss the constant phone calls, or the continuously being made guilty for not doing enough or not winning enough and if you assert that you are winning having someone slam you or drive in your anchor points to prove to you that you aren't truly happy. I'm not even going to miss the friendships. I still care about the people I care about and they care about me, even if it is in their own way. I was afraid I would lose my enthusiasm for life my feeling of wonder and awe at the universe the desire to reach out and explore all of life. But I truthfully feel like I have that more now then when I was in. I can get processing if I want to but won't be made guilty if I don't want to. There are people out here that understand me more completely then any of the people still in. Some of you guys know all of the places and people that are part of my journey. That's amazing. Not many Scientologists inside that share that with me anymore. I've decided I may have to get myself deadfiled. That's pretty easy to do. (easier then getting declared) That will keep people from trying to recover me. It's just funny to me now to think that I was trying to cross "The Bridge to Total Freedom" and total freedom is just outside the door. Remember the pretty rocks we were taught not to look at? Well, they really are the way out!
So, I'm not really sad, just mildly perplexed. I'm also more willing to talk about the good times I had while in. I'm sort of exploring what the value of the experience was rather then the damage of the experience. Of course there was pain. There was loss. There was tons of injustice. But I'm pretty sure there is lots of that outside of Scientology as well. I realize that I may not be "whole". I have some weird and hard to define missing components for dealing with "real life". But I'm okay with that for now. I guess it kinda like I figure everything I bought, I also sold. My intentions were good or maybe not so good. It doesn't really matter. I could say "Wow I wasted 30 years, buying and selling Scientology, and didn't get what I intended". Or maybe I did. Again, it doesn't matter. I could have wasted the last 30 years playing video games or selling used cars or obsessing over my kids or trying to strike gold, or whatever.
The funny or sad or ironic part is I've learned more about Scientology since being on this message board for a couple of months then I did studying it for three decades from inside. The people I originally "bought it" from have been out for some time. Many of the people I "sold it to" are still in.
Anyway, I just felt like rambling a bit tonight. In my story I've covered my franchise years in the mission network. I will cover the Missions under SMI and the Mission Birthday Game years next.
Good Twin

 

[Zinjifar]

We're reading Good Twin. With enjoyment and compassion. And the more you tell, the more you help the next person after you.

Thanks

Zinj

 

[Good twin]

We're reading Good Twin. With enjoyment and compassion. And the more you tell, the more you help the next person after you.

Thanks

Zinj

Thanks Zinj. Honestly it's totally selfish at this point. I just appreciate being able to work through it here.
GT

 

[Pixie]

and Welcome to ESMB, Pixie. Can't wait to read your stories!

This place is sooooo healing and wonderful! I at first found ESMB in 2007 posted a bit, then stopped posting online for a year and became more active just a few months ago here When I told my stories here, I did so in stages...at first in very vague, no details ways, fearing OSA and being declared,etc. then slowly, I just HAD to tell my stories with more details, names, dates, and then going so far as to releasing my real name, what Org I and Hubby worked at, then even posting my pic on here!

Well, since I've done those things....my MIND has OPENED UP probably for the very first time! I could SEE WHAT I had been in..and the control, insidious, slow gradient mental and spiritual abuse, etc!

GLAD you found us and are OUT!

We've been OUT for four years now.
(Blew then routed off Staff in 1995 tho).

KEEP typing and reading, you'll feel yourself becoming more and more empowered......

Michelle

Dearest Michelle, thank you so much for that lovely and informative welcome. Indeed, it's a strange one for sure, I registered on this site last October and posted perhaps one or two like yourself, but forgot about it and tried to get onto other sites but they must have been full as although I had a password etc the admin people never got back to me then a friend sent me this link! It was all meant to be, but it's interesting as I've been thinking about if for some time, perhaps we're all picking up on the pressure they are now under because of their crimes. It's great you're using your own name, I did wonder why we are all still so scared of that and in time I intend to do the same. I thought I had it under control until today and started blubbing because someone thought I'd insulted them, but yes, this is a healing site and thank the gods for it! It just takes time to try to unravel everything and on some level your still telling yourself you somehow deserved the abuse and that maybe they were right and I am a bad person. Nuts I know, but difficult to erase. Thanks again, I know it'll take time, and I'll start a new thread soon as I can and try to sort my head out. Warmest to you Michelle..

 

[Pixie]

Hello Pixie. Welcome to the sandbox. I'm learning so much more about myself now that I am able to think and look and say what I think and see.
I find myself today kind of looking for what I liked about Scientolgy. :confused2: Wondering what I will miss. Trying to analyze the loss part of getting out. I've handled one of the things that I had to complete before coming fully out and the other will be done any day now. I'm getting more anxious to just tell you all exactly who I am. I'm not worried about being declared (been there) or being fair gamed (done that). I'm not gonna miss the constant phone calls, or the continuously being made guilty for not doing enough or not winning enough and if you assert that you are winning having someone slam you or drive in your anchor points to prove to you that you aren't truly happy. I'm not even going to miss the friendships. I still care about the people I care about and they care about me, even if it is in their own way. I was afraid I would lose my enthusiasm for life my feeling of wonder and awe at the universe the desire to reach out and explore all of life. But I truthfully feel like I have that more now then when I was in. I can get processing if I want to but won't be made guilty if I don't want to. There are people out here that understand me more completely then any of the people still in. Some of you guys know all of the places and people that are part of my journey. That's amazing. Not many Scientologists inside that share that with me anymore. I've decided I may have to get myself deadfiled. That's pretty easy to do. (easier then getting declared) That will keep people from trying to recover me. It's just funny to me now to think that I was trying to cross "The Bridge to Total Freedom" and total freedom is just outside the door. Remember the pretty rocks we were taught not to look at? Well, they really are the way out!
So, I'm not really sad, just mildly perplexed. I'm also more willing to talk about the good times I had while in. I'm sort of exploring what the value of the experience was rather then the damage of the experience. Of course there was pain. There was loss. There was tons of injustice. But I'm pretty sure there is lots of that outside of Scientology as well. I realize that I may not be "whole". I have some weird and hard to define missing components for dealing with "real life". But I'm okay with that for now. I guess it kinda like I figure everything I bought, I also sold. My intentions were good or maybe not so good. It doesn't really matter. I could say "Wow I wasted 30 years, buying and selling Scientology, and didn't get what I intended". Or maybe I did. Again, it doesn't matter. I could have wasted the last 30 years playing video games or selling used cars or obsessing over my kids or trying to strike gold, or whatever.
The funny or sad or ironic part is I've learned more about Scientology since being on this message board for a couple of months then I did studying it for three decades from inside. The people I originally "bought it" from have been out for some time. Many of the people I "sold it to" are still in.
Anyway, I just felt like rambling a bit tonight. In my story I've covered my franchise years in the mission network. I will cover the Missions under SMI and the Mission Birthday Game years next.
Good Twin

Hello Good Twin! You are helping all of us by sharing your story for sure. I feel it's a really good sign that you are seeing the good stuff you experienced while in as well, of course there had to be good stuff too or we wouldn't have stayed perhaps as long as we did. For me there was good stuff too, great stuff in fact, great friends, good times, but of course they were few and far between. This site is such a great help, everyone's so supportive yes, and the more we communicate the more we're going to learn. I've only been on this site two days and I've learned tons so I understand what you're saying. Like I learned that I am STILL apologising without questioning, nuts or what! Ten years out and still acting like a drone!! Who knows where our lives would have gone if we hadn't gotten in, who knows, but you're right it doesn't matter, it turned out the way it turned out but there's a lot to learn from these experiences we had and I think it's made us a lot more compassionate and understanding as humans. As someone said to me earlier today, we are now free to do say and think what we like, it's good to be free and it doesn't matter what anyone thinks. I know the feeling about wanting to say who you are, I thought that too, I don't get why we're still scared really, but it all just takes time. Thank you for your post and I'm off now to read some more of your stories..

 

[Wisened One]

Good Twin: I soooo love your posts. They articulate perfectly what I go through...no, what we ALL here are going through....the good and the bad parts about Scn and our Staff experiences...etc.

Isn't it amazing how LONG and SLOWLY it takes for us all to unwrap ourselves from Scn and Staff/SO?!

Here we'd been offlines for 9 years (and now OUT for four)...so for total of 13 frickin' years and we are STILL such 'workaholics' and feel guilt for not working as long or hard as we could sometimes.. JEEZ! Very soon, we're gonna take our FIRST 'real' vacation (and make it a second....or first since we didn't even have one...) Honeymoon!

ALL of you here at ESMB are helping us....last night hubby and I sat and watched all of Jason's video's and laughed and cried a long with him....when he described the 'loss' in Video 2, ....then later when he described the effects Scn wraps itself around you and your life....and then his journey waking up, then getting OUT.....WOW. Jason, at the end, you said, you wanted to 'help' by telling your stories....you are, you really, really are......

I can't wait for more stories from more people...and hopefully from more celebs!

 

[Good twin]

Learning to play the Birthday Game

Michelle, I am so very happy for you. You are really creating a beautiful life. I know it is what is meant for you. I also know that Scn would never have allowed you to be or do or have what you truly want and what you truly deserve. So, I just want to thank you for blowing.

Okay so after leaving twice and twice back in good standing. I'm drifting along as an off lines inactive Scientologist. These were some good times. However, I was very out of touch and things were changing dramatically inside. This would have been between 1980 to 1983.

So anyway, I would eventually get a call from a friend inviting me to a meeting with all of the other inactive Scientologists in the field. We all got together and talked about how to get Scientology revitalized in our area. Perhaps start a group or reopen the mission. The mission had become a City Office and eventually closed down. My "original" mission was still open and under new management. There was a new sheriff in town. A real go getter. He was willing to help us get Scientology the way LRH intended; what we signed up for before we all became disillusioned.

We all made appointments to go to the mission where he was working and he was trained in "rollback" tech. He gave us all rollbacks. We were rehabbed as Scientologists and some of us as staff members. It turns out that the people we had trusted a few years ago were actually SPs and had been busted. Now, it was safe to come back and do "standard" Scientology.The new ED made a deal with a couple of us. He would apprentice us here in the mission he was running to get us stable and then we would open our own mission in our own community (the next county over). We signed contracts.

I decided to try out this new version of Scientology. This is not the first time I was sold a repackaging of "standard" Scientology. But being a Flag trained Pro Sup seemed like it should have some value somewhere. For whatever reason, I bought it again!

Now we were run by SMI. No more WW. The mission holder didn't seem to have near the control they once did. We were to play the Birthday Game for Missions. Oh boy! This was going to be fun. Real fun. This is where I learned the value of All nighters, stat pushes, SRAs, face ripping, handling counter intention coming from other dynamics, how to be unreasonable. We were winners. We had no other fish to fry. I abandoned my husband, my family and my job to prove my dedication. It was awesome. I learned that if my stats weren't up I could handle it by raising my necessity level. If I couldn't get my stats up I would get a handling. This usually was either being yelled at or being advised that I was very lucky to be in a group that would give me yet another chance to confront my own counter intention and come clean. I was also taught how to get my parents to refinance their house to pay for more auditing for me. I also had a few credit cards that I was encouraged to max out to purchase the newly released PDCs. There would never be any problem paying off these debts if my ethics were in and I applied the correct formulas. After all it was the greatest good after all.

We went to Flag for the forming of the IAS and all signed the "Pledge to Mankind". We sent a bunch of people to Portland for the crusade. All kinds of stuff happened. It was different. It seemed like there was a lot of activity in Scientology, but it was all over the place. In the early years the activity was in the course room and HGC. All roads led to the grade chart. Now it seemed there were so many routes and remedies and PR activities and programs .... It was an exciting time. Oh yeah, and everyone was reading on "audited past Dianetic Clear".

 

[notLRH]

All kinds of stuff happened. It was different. It seemed like there was a lot of activity in Scientology, but it was all over the place. In the early years the activity was in the course room and HGC. All roads led to the grade chart. Now it seemed there were so many routes and remedies and PR activities and programs .... It was an exciting time. Oh yeah, and everyone was reading on "audited past Dianetic Clear".

Interesting. It reminds me of when I first heard about the new state of "natural clear" and thought, what a load of crap! I knew people attesting to it right and left.

Anyone have thoughts about just why such a thing was offered? Must have had something to do with a stat push, I think.

 

[Wisened One]

Michelle, I am so very happy for you. You are really creating a beautiful life. I know it is what is meant for you. I also know that Scn would never have allowed you to be or do or have what you truly want and what you truly deserve. So, I just want to thank you for blowing.

Hey, thanks! Glad YOU'VE left, too!

....................... I was also taught how to get my parents to refinance their house to pay for more auditing for me. I also had a few credit cards that I was encouraged to max out to purchase the newly released PDCs. There would never be any problem paying off these debts if my ethics were in and I applied the correct formulas. After all it was the greatest good after all.

Arrrrrgggh!

Oh yeah, and everyone was reading on "audited past Dianetic Clear".

Hey, me too! Soooo....what's that mean, then? I was told 'You MAY be Clear and need to do the CCRD, next'....(course, never did get to do it, beting a busy Staff Div 6'er...)

 

[Free Will]

Wow, Good Twin, I've read the story so far and it's very cathartic. It really is wonderful to meet other people who can understand what I've been through....and express it so very well.
I'm so glad you are all out, recovering. Grateful too, for the internet and what it allows us to do.
I am quite surpised, having spent just a couple of weeks on ESMB catching up on some of what's already here, to find myself suddenly broken down in tears. They're not for me, actually. I can now feel rather easily for the abuse and unnecessary heartbreak experienced be each and all of us.
Fortunately, like the song says, there's always sunshine after rain and a switch of thread can get me laughing out loud again in a minute.
I'm really happy to be here and I'm enjoying catching up with every one of you.
One effect of that is I believe I'm gradually building up for myself a clearer picture of what happened. Like...you say you went to Flag when HPCSC came out - I can remember what was happening around me at AOSHUK at the same time. We sent a lovely chap to Flag to do that - my fellow-Glaswegian Chris Hxxxxxx. He really did very well when he came back. But might not be the same year since I think he was on the ship. He told us Quentin Hubbard, Class XII, had liked him and been his close friend at Flag.
I'm also pleased to hear that so many of you have emerged with good loving partners - beats anything available in an Org.
I'm so damn lonely I could cry. But I reckon that's going to diminsih rapidly to the degree I share in what's going on here.

 

[Good twin]

Wow, Good Twin, I've read the story so far and it's very cathartic. It really is wonderful to meet other people who can understand what I've been through....and express it so very well.
I'm so glad you are all out, recovering. Grateful too, for the internet and what it allows us to do.
I am quite surpised, having spent just a couple of weeks on ESMB catching up on some of what's already here, to find myself suddenly broken down in tears. They're not for me, actually. I can now feel rather easily for the abuse and unnecessary heartbreak experienced be each and all of us.
Fortunately, like the song says, there's always sunshine after rain and a switch of thread can get me laughing out loud again in a minute.
I'm really happy to be here and I'm enjoying catching up with every one of you.
One effect of that is I believe I'm gradually building up for myself a clearer picture of what happened. Like...you say you went to Flag when HPCSC came out - I can remember what was happening around me at AOSHUK at the same time. We sent a lovely chap to Flag to do that - my fellow-Glaswegian Chris Hxxxxx. He really did very well when he came back. But might not be the same year since I think he was on the ship. He told us Quentin Hubbard, Class XII, had liked him and been his close friend at Flag.
I'm also pleased to hear that so many of you have emerged with good loving partners - beats anything available in an Org.
I'm so damn lonely I could cry. But I reckon that's going to diminsih rapidly to the degree I share in what's going on here.

Well, this is the only place that I have found where I can communicate freely and know that someone will totally understand. Without this forum I would still feel lonely and lost. Some days are more emotional than others. It really comes off in layers. But I must admit that at least once a month I read something that triggers a deeply purging cry. I laugh a lot on this board. I get very interested and involved in the stories I read. I find the back story to things the church kept me in the dark about for years. But the emotion still rolls off.
I can't say for sure you will find everything you need here, Will. But you will find more than you probably expect. I am so pleased to meet you here. I hope you continue to read and post and read and post.

​

Good Twin

 

[Feral]

GT,

A great story, but you leave us hanging in 1983!! Did you get out of debt? What was it like under SMI, did it get harder than SRAs and all nighters?:confused2: I guess now you were in DMs church!

 

[Good twin]

GT,

A great story, but you leave us hanging in 1983!! Did you get out of debt? What was it like under SMI, did it get harder than SRAs and all nighters?:confused2: I guess now you were in DMs church!

Sorry Feral. Yes I did leave off in 1983. Probably not a good place to end. Yes, I got out of debt and back in debt worse. Yes it got harder and yes I was in DMs church. I'll fill in the rest soon. I'm leaving for Texas today to visit ImOut and Alan and another friend from this board. Thanks for reminding me. I do have more to tell.................

 

[sallydannce]

Hey Good Twin - have an awesome trip.

 

[quietheart]

Have a safe and fun trip GT, I look forward to reading the rest of your story.
Esther

 

[grundy]

Have a good trip. Kiss Kathy on the cheek for me, and have her kiss you on the cheek for me.

 

[Feral]

Sorry Feral. Yes I did leave off in 1983. Probably not a good place to end. Yes, I got out of debt and back in debt worse. Yes it got harder and yes I was in DMs church. I'll fill in the rest soon. I'm leaving for Texas today to visit ImOut and Alan and another friend from this board. Thanks for reminding me. I do have more to tell.................

GREAT! Have a good trip,and thanks for writing your in and out story, even though I have not coughed up my story yet for political reasons, I promise a fair exchange soon.