Dear Caz,
Darling you are a brave woman ! Your write up has inspired me to also announce my identity - I never intended to be anonymous, it was just a bit of fun. So thank you for coming "OUT"
Its great you're writing your story - I have seen the results that this has had for others like my hubby and Carmel - and I know that only good comes of it. Initially it can be a little painful, as you mentioned - confronting things that you have had nicely suppressed - but then it seems to settle down and from what I have observed there is a huge relief and resurgence of self at the end. So keep writing girl - we are here for you !
If it helps at all I just wanted to let you know that I went through a similar emotional ride a few weeks back.
We were never able to properly grieve when we found out the severity of Courtney's brain injury (our delightful yet difficult 10 yr old daughter.) We were OTs and supposed to be cause over life - and yet in reality we could not get over it. We were somehow made to feel PTS - for pulling "it" in - I never agreed with that but I guess I "picked it up" from others and how they handled us. After several years of trying to fix her and obviously not making her well enough, we were made to feel that what we were doing was not beans for beans and that we should some how dispose of our problem .
We felt alone and isolated. No scois really wanted to know about us and our sit. - I can't tell you how many times I flew my ruds to handle the ARC X about not having my Scio friends there to help me - then pull the WHs about not taking my share of responsibility for clearing the planet and even thinking that my friends could spare time to help me !!!
Now I am hearing the enemy line that we are blaming the C of S for her brain injury - it just annoys me - as if we would ever do that.
And let me tell you that all the auditing on solo nots ( 12 yrs in total - 9 years after Courtney was born) , all the repair programs and sec checks and ethics trips and near a million $ spent on it, between Kev and myself - did next to nothing to fill that hole ( I had a similar one to the one that you are mentioning. )
The best thing I found was just talking to my other friends - yeh the "wogs" who also had brain injured kids - they were great. When I had a bad day I could ring up and winge - without being made to feel that I was nattering
( because of my overts ), or dramatising ( because of my case ) or being out ethics ( because I was not taking enough responsibility ) - they knew I was just being ME !!! And they liked me and cared about me.
We are your friends here and we care about you and your family - feel free to call any time - for a moan, a yell or a gripe when you have the shits, feel depressed, or are pissed off because things are hard !!! We will still love you. You can also call to tell us your wins when things go right too - as I'm sure they will start to do more often now !!! .
I am so glad that my hubby was brave enough to call our friends when we decided to leave the C of S. Most like you, listened and looked and decided for themselves. Unfortunately some have decided not to look - but there are more of us now - so number of times over ....
love Vick