Kookaburra
Gold Meritorious Patron
I really hope it doesn't include using Scribd.
Paul
Don't think so. What is Scribd?
I really hope it doesn't include using Scribd.
Paul
Don't think so. What is Scribd?
That is a fair and good question Freethinker.
Thank you for asking it.
Brace yourself for one of my long winded posts to try to make a point.
For years I have tried so hard to put into writing or otherwise put on the internet everything I could think to say that I thought might have been pretty important or helpful. For a couple years there I did not think I was going to live much longer so I scrambled to get up as much as I could think of that was important before I died.
In the past year or so one of my doctors and my therapist have been concerned about just how much of my life is spent on scientology, given health issues, surgeries and other points of drama in my life.
It gets overwhelming for many of us I am sure as so many people could use some help and there is only so much each of us can do to help even though we want to help.
Truth be told there have been times where I thought I would quit just so I had time to try to enjoy life and try to find a few years as myself and to enjoy my family. I think many of us go through this while trying to work out how to have some balance in our lives.
It was just a few months ago when I decided it might be the time to stop posting.
And within two days of that decision I got contacted for an interview, over 150 pages of legal pleadings I was asked to read and comment on, calls from people who were high up in the scientology game that I never heard from before or not for years and they wanted to talk or wanted help. One or two of them were on potentially huge matters that could open up more fronts in this fight to get the truth out and stop abuses.
I also in those two days right after I decided to quit got a way higher than normal ammont of requests from others to chat (via lengthy emails or phone or skype), to read their postings or blogs and comment, you name it. I realized that it was too early to stop.
But then there is the matter of my transition. And with regard to this let me take you into the mind of a transexual woman who is still transitioning. (At least this transexual woman).
This transition is unbelievably important to me. And I just have to give up trying to be "Larry Brennan" as I feel it is draining me spiritually, mentally, emotionally and physically.
Every time someone calls me "Larry" it is painful even though I know it is almost always from a loving person meaning no harm. Every time someone says what a wonderful "man" or "guy" I am it feels like a knife in me. Sometimes I try to smile and other times I feel like I cannot go on with this. (Isn't estradiol fun? lol).
None of you are doing anything wrong here, the problem is in me, something I am trying hard to resolve.
On a related matter and as impacted by my transition, here is something else that bothers me about being "Larry Brennan". I am so very, very honored and moved by all the love I get on every forum I am on and in so many other places. Many times I just don't understand why I get postings like are on this thread telling me how "special" I am. OMG HUNDREDS of us in this fight love each other and are wonderful people, THOUSANDS I think actually. I am zero more special than any of us and I never wanted to try to be some "internet celeb" as some others have called me.
I simply wanted to spread love to all possible people and sides in this fight and help in the good fight. That is all.
Even wonderful mods who knew I was a transgendered woman and would soon "come out" told me how "beloved" I was on their forums and how they would circle the wagons to protect and support me when the time came. I always begged them not to do so. I wanted to be treated like anyone else who themselves should also be so "beloved".
Want to know what my most fun postings were in the last couple of months? They were on divided by zero where I posted anonymously as "Just Me" and I'm guessing most thought of me as just some woman posting as I felt free to just post like me and not worry about sounding like some guy or like "Larry Brennan".
I got to share musical interests, argue and get all "nattery" (lol "nattery") with mods, you name it. When a lovely, lovely person there discovered "Just Me" was "Larry Brennan", she apologized that she had ever questioned one of two of my posts. And I said that is exactly what I did not want to hear.
I loved it that I was questioned, I loved it when people did not feel like my word was the word of God and I loved it when I could be thought of just be like anyone else. I also did not have to be careful in how I said things so as to try to "sound like a guy", like I have had to try to do all my life.
On top of all this, it REALLY is about time to move quickly to the next big step in my transition, to be just me and not "Larry Brennan".
At work at the post office I'm constantly called "Larry" even by wonderful friends who know of my transition and are excited by it and who love me. But every time I hear it, it's like another one of those knife stabs.
At work I like to wear a little nail polish and lots of rings which seemed sort of safe but because I slowed at "half transitioning" I'm starting to look a bit like a "man with boobs" just like my therapist had warned would happen when you stay "half way" too long and are on these hormones.
I look at customers at my service window all the time in my peripheral vision when I have to look down at the computer to give them a price or shipping option. And when doing so I'm starting to see now so many lovely, friendly people quickly glance down at my chest with a puzzled look on their faces probably wondering WTF is "his" story???
Lots of ladies complement me on my rings or even nail polish as I do theirs and probably think I am some "cool gay guy". And while I could care less if anyone thought I was gay, even that would not answer "wtf is that on 'his' chest"?
My point in this painfully long posting (which I am almost sure I will be regretting I posted on here BIG TIME in the morning) is that it is time where I really must take the next step to fully putting "Larry Brennan" behind me and finish this transition.
It's actually past time to get the wig I've wanted (while trying not to look like Ma Fricket), the pierced ears I have wanted since I was like a teenager, put on a little of that makeup that has been on my dresser for the last year and a half unused (my God you have to be a Rembrant with this stuff!!!!), change my name and nametag to "Denise" and just close my eyes and leap into the unknown of being "just me".
Hey at least people won't have to wonder who is that weird guy with boobs? Even being that "weird transexual" is a better than that. Maybe a few, even just a couple, somewhere, some place will just say "who is that woman"? And even if they don't, I will be being me and no matter what the high drama from others, I can still find some inner peace in being me, just me, Denise.
I will never again make a posting like this on line, ever. But Freethinker I guess I just wanted you and others to know that it's not that I don't care. I've made many big steps in my transition and I can't be just a "half me" anymore. I really, really need to be just me.
I promise, like so many of you, I will NOT give up this fight for truth and to try my best to help others during and after the rest of my transition.
I just need a little time to try to figure out HOW to keep all the "Larry Brennan" stuff up somewhere and still not feel what I feel every time someone calls me "Larry" or a good "guy" or anything that is not what I know I am with every fiber of my being.
Maybe just give me a month or two. I'm still in the game and am so glad you are too
Wow. I was just about to delete this whole post but decided to keep it as, if nothing else, it might help raise awareness of transgender issues and maybe help others be more understanding of other transgendered women and men.
I'm not saying this about or for me but want to know how you could save a person from great anguish in life or even suicide when you see a transgendered woman with a five o'clock shadow or "obviously not passing" doing that walk? ("That walk" is when they walk like they have blinders on, looking straight ahead as they no longer can bear seeing the looks of "wtf" everywhere). Just walk by and say "good morning mamm". You might have just saved a life
Tory, Helena, Sweetness, Free to shine. Kockaburra, Caliwog. The Fixer, Claire, Opter, Dulloldfart, Freethinker and anyone else I may have failed to acknowlege in this thread and anyone else reading this, I say one more time, THANK YOU!! And, I love you!!!
Wow I remember when I first started posting how lonely it felt as it seemed so few of us posted and scientology felt like they could hold all us down and continue with their lies and abuses indefinitely.
I KNEW you all would be here when I told Miscavige and his goon attorney to fuck off with their threats, and that many of us would stand up to them.
Well you did and I am so completely proud to have been associated with you and am honored to be considered your friend.
So many have found their voices and this makes my heart soar.
Wow, this is my last post as Larry Brennan. It's been a hell of a ride! And it's time for me to go and become stronger.
I just want to play these one more time:
To David Miscavige and organized scientology:
First you were trolled and you were warned:
[video=youtube;JCbKv9yiLiQ]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JCbKv9yiLiQ&feature=related[/video]
Then we banded together, rose up and we found our voices:
[video]http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=8_F5r_SXbAk[/video]
You lost and you don't even realize it yet.
You can no longer stop the truth.
In parting, let me join with the rest of the beautiful people here and elsewhere in saying "FUCK OSA".
Checkmate Miscavige!!
And, thank you for playing the game.
To all of the rest of you, I just have no more words to say beyond the fact that I truly and completely and from the bottom of my heart love you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
w/<3
Larry Brennan
Denise, your Doubt, Liability, and Non-Existance Formulas are now complete. You are now upgraded to Danger.Wow, this is my last post as Larry Brennan. It's been a hell of a ride! And it's time for me to go and become stronger.
As far as I know, the whole ma'am thing pisses most women off. The older women think a person is calling them old by using that word - and take great offense, want to kick some ass . . . Fried Green Tomatoes - the parking lot scene . . . Towanda !
I think women prefer to be referred to as Miss, or Ms - even Lady . . . I avoid all those, and just say, Hey, and/or excuse me . . .
Seeing/meeting a transgender, can't one just say "Hi"? Or - Excuse me, Miss/Ms . . . ????
Denise - In my book, you are a Lady . . .
Yes! Towanda!!!!
Somewhere in there---a bunch of falls off, that included! ((My favorite re "ladies" was being on an elevator w/ a bunch of younger LA Kids. They were all saying "Fuck this, fuck that". One said: "Hey guys--cool down, there's a lady on here", and nodded at me. I said, grinning: "Hey Fuck you too!" They ALL Burst out laughing and some clapped, and said "Far out!~"
(Being able to say the F** word is greatly respected here by many younger peeps): Weird, and true.
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A thought about wigs...from stage experience with many different ones...
I recommend that you start out with a fairly short and curly style, not real short, and not tight curls ... the kind you can just run your fingers through to arrange, and it will look nice. Gentle curls and waves all over, no part. This kind of wig feels more like wearing a cap, and will be easier to get used to than wearing a longer one...or one you have to constantly comb, brush and style...pin up, etc. Graduate on to those after you are more comfortable wearing and manipulating one. Ash blond with highlights or medium auburn looks good on nearly everyone, and is dignified...You can graduate to jet black, platinum blond, blue and pink, etc...after you are fully transformed. Make sure that the wig size is large enough for your head for comfort, otherwise it will be too hot and may give you a headache. Many have bands inside you can partially snip through to adjust the fit to your head...Think about also just wearing a head scarf or hat at times, and no wig. You can do some wonderfully beautiful things with scarves! Some come with bangs or weaves, like a pony tail, attached
Hahahaha, you got a wicked sense of humour Tory. Great stuff!
When I grow up, I wanna be like Tory.