My Short Story

Butterfly

Patron
This is my first post here. I've been lurking until now.

I could tell a much longer detailed and story. But I don't want to give too many details, having parents who are OT public. I have siblings on lines as well.

I grew up in Scientology. I had some public schooling but from fairly young went to private Scientology "non-denominational" schools. My parents met at a well known mission. My parents eventually split up and the parent my siblings and I remained with, remarried and we all moved to Florida. I continued at another Scientology school. After a while we couldn't afford tuition. Instead of being sent to an affordable school, I was put on a work/study program. I'd work tutoring or teaching half the day, and only study half the time. I hated it, and felt like my education had come to a screeching halt. I was not happy with any part of my life. Once my parent remarried, the communication was seriously lacking. Where once we could make decisions mutually, my step-parent would lay down ultimatum (this step-parent was very respected since OT). My step-parent was authoritarian. My behavior was being measured by a point system and conditions. The step-parent was stern, always giving ultimatums, and my parent simply started following suit. I was doing badly in school (maybe from only getting to study 3 hours per day?)and got a D of P interview at Mace Kingsly. I don't remember specifics. I only remember being told basically that I needed auditing and being given a program, which my parents did not buy for me. I started going on course with money I earned. Feeling no ARC with the parents, I got very attached to my high ARC course supervisor and was then recruited into the Sea Org. I was not yet an adult, I was not done with school. Things went from bad to worse. I had major misconceptions about what things would be like in the SO.
Life in the Sea org was harsh for me. There were times when I felt high on Sea Org life, being part of such a tight nit group, and feeling like I was saving the world. However I did want to leave almost immediately after finishing the EPF and being posted. I kept being re-recruited however. I really felt trapped there. I barely spoke with my parents for over a year. I did the EPF and/or FRU a few times. I had some harsh ethics actions done on me. I became very depressed, which I hid mostly and then finally divulged that I had some very dark thoughts. I was put under watch, routed out, and told that I was becoming the scum of the earth, psychotic for wanting to leave, and lots of fun stuff like that. It took probably 2 or 3 months to be routed out.

Fast forward. I haven't been truly online since I left the SO. I have gone through many stages of being sure I have left the church for good, then thinking I should go back, back and forth. I am sure now I'm not going back but still feel irrationally afraid at times that I'm making a bad choice. I did not live with my parents long after getting out of SO, but proceeded to move out within a fairly short time. The atmosphere was simply smothering for me. I'm not sure what HCO told them exactly but they were not happy with me. From the time I moved out of the parents place, to now, approximately 15 years have passed. I have completed some college courses. I had a party stage which I think was actually cathartic for me and helped me wake up further from the Scientology bubble I had lived in since birth. I did eventually realize that continuing that kind of partying was not a good long term goal, and it ended several years ago. I have a family of my own now. I've been reading lots of books on different spiritual and self help viewpoints. I've read Steven Hassan's book Releasing the Bonds.

Overall I feel much more free now than I ever have. I feel like I have a lot of making up to do still in the education department, and re-arranging of my beliefs. I was always a bright student. I simply fell behind because of my situation of little study time (oh, which was one day a week in the SO). For quite a while after leaving SO I would have nightmares of SO members chasing after me or trying to recruit me. I only very rarely dream about SO now and when I do it is me sneaking into the org for some reason. I never have felt as depressed as I was when in the SO, however I can get in some semi-dark moods and sometimes still feel like I am doomed for not continuing in Scientology and can feel quite anxious about it. I feel anxious when I drive by the org still, though not as bad as many years ago.

Dilemmas:
I am in contact regularly with my family, who are public. My parent is not happy overall as far as I can tell, which I would never have thought from an OT. My parent also expressed a concern to me about a sibling who lives on their own, who has called in a depressed mood at certain times. My parent has expressed a worry of my sibling committing suicide. What am I to do? I call my sibling, spend time with, etc, try to get interested in things and keep busy. I have casually mentioned non-Scientology "success" and "positive thinking" books to my sibling to see what the response might be for anything outside scientology and was met with a "that is crap, its not LRH" attitude.

If any of you think I have posted too many details to be "safe" ,so to speak, from being found out, please let me know so I can take them out. I guess I am afraid of rocking the boat. I have never expressed to my family that I'm not going back to the church. I guess I will have to sometime but I'm nervous about it. I suppose I can just tell them and not explain the depths of my reasons. I really would like to hear any ideas on how to help my sibling though. I don't know what I would do if something terrible did happen to him.
 
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Zinjifar

Silver Meritorious Sponsor
If any of you think I have posted too many details to be "safe" ,so to speak, from being found out, please let me know so I can take them out. I guess I am afraid of rocking the boat. I have never expressed to my family that I'm not going back to the church. I guess I will have to sometime but I'm nervous about it. I suppose I can just tell them and not explain the depths of my reasons. I really would like to hear any ideas on how to help my sibling though. I don't know what I would do if something terrible did happen to him.

Thanks for posting at all, but, you only have 1/2 hour to edit if you want to remove things.

If you find something later, ask emma to remove it for you.

Good luck

Zinj
 

Alan

Gold Meritorious Patron
To help anyone all you need to do is listen to them.

To direct their attention; ask them; "what is it they need?"

Work with them to help them get it.

Or ask; "is there anything I can help you with?"

Alan

PS: Butterfly, don't burn your bridges - just quietly re-build your life - when you are ready you can let go. Good luck! :)
 
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Zinjifar

Silver Meritorious Sponsor
On another level, and, unrelated to Scientology or any kind of processes, do you have anything to do with your brother at all?

Could you ask him to come with you to do something? Go to a movie, go bowling, see a band, anything?

Talking about Scientology will almost certainly not work, but, part of getting out of Scientology is doing things that are *not* Scientology.

Until they're a larger part of his life.

Sometimes it's about having something *else* thats interesting.

Zinj
 

Butterfly

Patron
Yeah. We visit often. I never bring up Scientology actually. I really have been bringing up the subject of hobbies and interests and figuring ways we can do them together.
 

Zinjifar

Silver Meritorious Sponsor
Yeah. We visit often. I never bring up Scientology actually. I really have been bringing up the subject of hobbies and interests and figuring ways we can do them together.

Sounds like a plan, and, again, good luck.

Zinj
 

programmer_guy

True Ex-Scientologist
Butterfly said:
I grew up in Scientology.

I didn't. All of the staff that I knew when I was in Scientology (1970s) were not raised in Scientology. We already had much of the regular education in public schools.

Butterfly said:
Overall I feel much more free now than I ever have.

I know what that feels like - I really do.

Reading stories like this makes me feel REALLY sad to see again and again what the cult has done to children who grew up in it.

Butterfly said:
I guess I am afraid of rocking the boat.

You are not rocking any boat. I think that all posters here welcome you with open arms and open hearts. Don't be afraid to speak up.

Best regards,
Larry
 

Vinaire

Sponsor
If you wish to have some fun with Math you may come to my Math Club at the Safety Harbor Library on Saturdays from 10:00A till noon.

It is free and a lot of fun.

Vinaire

.
 

wazn

Patron with Honors
I really would like to hear any ideas on how to help my sibling though. I don't know what I would do if something terrible did happen to him.

You have been through a lot! Welcome! The people here may not have been through just what you have, but also have dealt with a lot. You'll find a forum full of support, encouragement, ideas and joy. Lots of good people.
My ideas on your brother.... IMO the most important is to really care - and you already do. So, just continue to express that UNCONDITIONAL love and caring. Listen, and be willing to just let him vent. As he is in an environment that routinely "rats out" and/or uses information in a negative manner - be the opposite. Not in a way that puts down scn or ethics - just let him know that he can always tell you anything and that the communication stops there. You might even express how you felt when some of your "dark thoughts" were used against you, and let him know that you love him and would not betray him. It just has to be okay to express things, no matter what your walk in life. And, lots of times getting it out of your head - voicing it - is a good way of being able to look at it differently. Loving and listening go a long way and mean a lot. -
 

Mick Wenlock

Admin Emeritus (retired)
This is my first post here. I've been lurking until now.

I could tell a much longer detailed and story. But I don't want to give too many details, having parents who are OT public. I have siblings on lines as well.

Hi Bfly - I do admire you for taking the time to write your story.

This paragraph of your that I have quoted is going to continue to cause you problems for a while.

I gather from reading your story that you are 'out' - as in someone who no longer considers themself to be a scientologist? Believe me when I say that it may take a while but one of the steps of getting out is to realize that your parents/friends/siblings relationship with the church of scientology - has nothing to do with you. The 'church' would really like you to believe that it does have something to do with you. It is called a "hostage situation". Nasty people take hostages and threaten to harm them unless good person does what the nasty person wants. At some point we all have to come to the understanding of who is doing the threatening. Its the 'church'.

What can you do about it? Absolutely nothing. The best course to take, IMHO, is to live your life just as you wish to. Say what you want, don't allow the "church' to influence you even a little bit. If you parents or step parent complains - tell them to talk to their MAA, it has nothing at all to do with you.

I grew up in Scientology. I had some public schooling but from fairly young went to private Scientology "non-denominational" schools.

I cut the rest of this part just to save space. Oh, god, I am so sorry you were put through that.


Fast forward. I haven't been truly online since I left the SO. I have gone through many stages of being sure I have left the church for good, then thinking I should go back, back and forth. I am sure now I'm not going back but still feel irrationally afraid at times that I'm making a bad choice. I did not live with my parents long after getting out of SO, but proceeded to move out within a fairly short time. The atmosphere was simply smothering for me. I'm not sure what HCO told them exactly but they were not happy with me. From the time I moved out of the parents place, to now, approximately 15 years have passed. I have completed some college courses. I had a party stage which I think was actually cathartic for me and helped me wake up further from the Scientology bubble I had lived in since birth. I did eventually realize that continuing that kind of partying was not a good long term goal, and it ended several years ago. I have a family of my own now. I've been reading lots of books on different spiritual and self help viewpoints. I've read Steven Hassan's book Releasing the Bonds.

If I may make a suggestion - perhaps you may find more in common with people who grew up in other cults - like you. What I mean by that is - we who joined are one sort of case. After all we were either conned, or conned ourselves but we had experience outside of the cult before we ever got there. Leaving it is, I think, easier for us. But there are a lot of kids who grew up in a cult, then went along with 'joining' because they really knew nothing else. There are many stories from kids in the Hare Krishnas, Children of God, Moonies, JW's etc and all of them have echoes of what you describe.

The feelings you describe - the fear of having made a huge mistake for example - are typical feelings.

If no-one has bothered to say this to you before - allow me;

You made the right decision.

Overall I feel much more free now than I ever have. I feel like I have a lot of making up to do still in the education department, and re-arranging of my beliefs. I was always a bright student. I simply fell behind because of my situation of little study time (oh, which was one day a week in the SO). For quite a while after leaving SO I would have nightmares of SO members chasing after me or trying to recruit me. I only very rarely dream about SO now and when I do it is me sneaking into the org for some reason. I never have felt as depressed as I was when in the SO, however I can get in some semi-dark moods and sometimes still feel like I am doomed for not continuing in Scientology and can feel quite anxious about it. I feel anxious when I drive by the org still, though not as bad as many years ago.

I am not sure if you are a member of XSO - if you are you will know that the subject of dreams and nightmares about the SO is a hot one and fairly universal.

Dilemmas:
I am in contact regularly with my family, who are public. My parent is not happy overall as far as I can tell, which I would never have thought from an OT. My parent also expressed a concern to me about a sibling who lives on their own, who has called in a depressed mood at certain times. My parent has expressed a worry of my sibling committing suicide.

Why on earth would they be calling you? Well that's a rhetorical question. The reason they are calling you is because Scientology gives them absolutely no tools to handle this situation and they don't want it blowing up and screwing up their relationship with the 'church'.

Sorry if I seem harsh about this but I fear that you are being used and set up. If something happens with your sibling then you will be the person that the cofs will point at and blame - and your parents will go along with it. You cannot trust on-lines scientologists - and you cannot trust ex-scientologists who want to get back on lines. Sad, but true.

Your sibling is the responsibility of your parents - not you.


What am I to do? I call my sibling, spend time with, etc, try to get interested in things and keep busy. I have casually mentioned non-Scientology "success" and "positive thinking" books to my sibling to see what the response might be for anything outside scientology and was met with a "that is crap, its not LRH" attitude.

Don't talk about non-scientological things with your sibling. Just refuse to discuss it or related issues, concentrate on having fun.

If any of you think I have posted too many details to be "safe" ,so to speak, from being found out, please let me know so I can take them out. I guess I am afraid of rocking the boat. I have never expressed to my family that I'm not going back to the church. I guess I will have to sometime but I'm nervous about it. I suppose I can just tell them and not explain the depths of my reasons. I really would like to hear any ideas on how to help my sibling though. I don't know what I would do if something terrible did happen to him.

Insist that your parents do something. Write KRs and send them to the MAA, use the pressure of Scientology itself to get them to take action. Do not let them palm it off on you. Your 'job' is to just love your brother. It's your parents' job to parent.
 

Terril park

Sponsor
I have casually mentioned non-Scientology "success" and "positive thinking" books to my sibling to see what the response might be for anything outside scientology and was met with a "that is crap, its not LRH" attitude.

Hey Butterfly,
This seems somewhat odd. Your sibling is suicidal possibly and
condemns any tech that is non LRH. Being suicidal is most definitely " Non LRH".

Mick Wenlock is normally a fount of good advice. I've asked him for some.

When he says your sibling is your parents responsibility and not yours I
disgree. You have decided to take on the responsibility. It seems your parents are incapable here for reasons of indoctrination. Or whatever.

It may help your brother to know that there is tech outside of the church.
Very standard LRH tech from some of the best trained people ever. He will be indoctrinated that they are squirrels.

I know a class VIII in florida who among other things handles Flags failed cases. A former Mission Holder.

Hope this helps.
 

Butterfly

Patron
Thanks everyone for the words of support.

Vinaire, the Math club sounds interesting, maybe I will check it out in a few weekends.

Mick...you are saying I should suggest to my parents to write KR's correct? I think that is what you're saying. I can see where you're coming from on that. Yes, and concentrating on having fun times and showing my brother that I care, as other posters have echoed, is good advice.
 

Mick Wenlock

Admin Emeritus (retired)
Thanks everyone for the words of support.

Vinaire, the Math club sounds interesting, maybe I will check it out in a few weekends.

Mick...you are saying I should suggest to my parents to write KR's correct? I think that is what you're saying. I can see where you're coming from on that. Yes, and concentrating on having fun times and showing my brother that I care, as other posters have echoed, is good advice.

'bout all you can do under these circumstances B'fly.
 

Voltaire's Child

Fool on the Hill
Dear Butterfly,

Your parents can tell you that a sibling feels a certain way,but you know how it is, people see things through their own filters. We all do.

So you'd want to see if your sibling expressed anything like that to you and how they seem in general.

The rest of your story is touching and I feel for you deeply.

It just goes to show that the totalitarian aspects of not just CofS but of Scn itself are damaging.

Keep writing!

Warmly,
Claire
 

Voltaire's Child

Fool on the Hill
I honestly don't think he'd be interested at all in Scientology outside of the church.

A lot of ex CofS folks aren't.

And that's fine.

The subject gets associated with too much duress and heartbreak plus the person may feel that if it was so great, then why do so many CofS members act so crazy and/or mean?

If I were talking to someone like that who was still interested in spirituality but not Freezone Scn or anything, I'd maybe suggest Buddhism.
 

Vinaire

Sponsor
Thanks everyone for the words of support.

Vinaire, the Math club sounds interesting, maybe I will check it out in a few weekends.

Mick...you are saying I should suggest to my parents to write KR's correct? I think that is what you're saying. I can see where you're coming from on that. Yes, and concentrating on having fun times and showing my brother that I care, as other posters have echoed, is good advice.


You may bring your sibling to the Math Club too.

We use math as a tool for systematic thinking to boost up the analytical mind. There is no memorization.

We solve fun puzzles too.

.
 

Butterfly

Patron
A tool for systematic thinking, and puzzles. That does sound very fun and actually I think my brother would really like that too.
 

SchwimmelPuckel

Genuine Meatball
Don't talk about non-scientological things with your sibling. Just refuse to discuss it or related issues, concentrate on having fun.
Erh! - Just because I think Micks post here is to the point and important.. Is this a typo? - Should it read: "Don't talk about scientological things with your sibling"?

The 'hostage situation' describes it well. Your sibling (who is in good standing with the cult) showing BI's and signs of PTS'ness. Wupps! - The scios rotate their heads like some radar to 'spot the SP'!

They'll make you responsible for any and all problems in your family. Until they 'persuade' the family to disconnect you... Infuriates me!

It IS a classical hostage sit. Compares directly to the Nazies rounding up a bunch of bystanders in some village and threathens to shoot them if they don't get info on who the saboteurs are. "These peoples death is YOUR responsibility!", yells the SS sturmbannführer. (He might get the saboteurs names! But he shoots the hostages anyway.)

There's no dealing with that!

Micks advice to reject it is good. Any BS about you being the cause of upsets or problems and that you need to get back 'onlines' and get your 'case' handled. Reject it and indicate correct terminal. KR's to the MAA is cult business. Has nothing to with you, since your'e not in the cult. It has nothing to with real life in any way. It will make them feel the disapproval from you without you being overtly hostile. If they already feel bad about 'reporting' you it'll enhance that feeling, and possibly make 'em see that as wrong.

They have an ethical dilemma with this reporting issue.. Orwellian 1984 stink of it.. I think all scios have that. One way to make 'em come right is to rub it in their noses.

Great that you post here! :thumbsup:
 
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Alan

Gold Meritorious Patron
Erh! - Just because I think Micks post here is to the point and important.. Is this a typo? - Should it read: "Don't talk about scientological things with your sibling"?

The 'hostage situation' describes it well. Your sibling (who is in good standing with the cult) showing BI's and signs of PTS'ness. Wupps! - The scios rotate their heads like some radar to 'spot the SP'!

They'll make you responsible for any and all problems in your family. Until they 'persuade' the family to disconnect you... Infuriates me!

It IS a classical hostage sit. Compares directly to the Nazies rounding up a bunch of bystanders in some village and threathens to shoot them if they don't get info on who the saboteurs are. "These peoples death is YOUR responsibility!", yells the SS sturmbannführer. (He might get the saboteurs names! But he shoots the hostages anyway.)

There's no dealing with that!

Micks advice to reject it is good. Any BS about you being the cause of upsets or problems and that you need to get back 'onlines' and get your 'case' handled. Reject it and indicate correct terminal. KR's to the MAA is cult business. Has nothing to with you, since your'e not in the cult. It has nothing to with real life in any way. It will make them feel the disapproval from you without you being overtly hostile. If they already feel bad about 'reporting' you it'll enhance that feeling, and possibly make 'em see that as wrong.

Great post Herr SP!

They have an ethical dilemma with this reporting issue.. Orwellian 1984 stink of it.. I think all scios have that. One way to make 'em come right is to rub it in their noses.

Great that you post here! :thumbsup:

During the Group Co-Processing at the Mission Holders meetings at flag and in other different locations - the most charged, rage, fury and loss that turned on was this "reporting, disconnection and abandoning of families and friends."

It was quite something to observe 260 people sobbing their eyes out over this subject.

David Mayo, Int. Senior C/S, was standing alongside of me during one of these times.....I pointed out to him - "now that is what I call in session - this is being missed on all cases." - he turned and walked away.

Any halfwit can observe that this "betrayal of trust" is a moment of extreme pain and agony to a caring, loving being.

To deny this - is a major contributing factor to the decline of Scio or for that matter any group or relationship.

Alan
 
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