My Short Story

Butterfly

Patron
In your earlier post 2 years ago, you mention having dreams about sneaking into an org. I have those dreams also, but much much less now than I did years ago. I found it funny that my dreaming mind could want the feeling of the org but still not belong and hiding.

As an Ex, my family were not in and I had to deal with their wishes that I get away from Scientology. Working in the S.O. at Flag and earlier in Riverside, CA. I had to apply good roads fair weather to them constantly. Of course I found out when I left that it frustrated the heck out of them.

I cannot say that this is a correct thing for you in your opposite situation, but I wonder if such a tactic would help to wake your mother up. If you can apply it with them, letting them see that you are, perhaps she will see the dichotomy of you using the "tech" on her. I talk about her only because with little information about your step father I do not see that he has really made the "family" connection with you. Because of that I doubt that anything you do will cause him any change.

It also may help to plan some time with some local Ex folks. Allow yourself some time to be able to talk about what you feel and felt with someone who can relate to you and accept what you say. I have never had that luxury in person, but as you know this board helps greatly as did ARS in it's day.

Keep your head up and active. :D
You survived.


Yeah, I rarely have those dreams anymore. I think it's been over a year now! The last one was so odd. I was a high ranking S.O. member, walking around all decorated and wondering when they were going to figure out that I didn't belong there. :confused2:

You are right, there is not a strong family connect with my stepdad. I pretty much have been doing the "good roads, good weather" with my parents..until recently when someone else was heavily trying to "handle" me and I felt like I needed to tell her at least somewhat how I really felt. I momentarily considered just doing some extension courses, but I told this friend I really consider myself an "ex-scientologist". She promptly wrote me a scathing email and told me I am cursing my children for being part of such an ignorant, out-ethics group (ex-scios). Again :confused2:
 

Wisened One

Crusader
Just re-read your story, Butterfly.

I also had dreams for a while after we left. And also took me a LONG time to not feel like I was 'damning my eternity' kinda thing, lol. :eyeroll:

But I'm glad that you are out and away and flown on your own wind by writing and performing your own beautiful music!

PLEASE DO SHARE with everyone here, 'Stars are shinin' bright' :hug:
 

smartone

My Own Boss
Butterfly, don't feel like you're missing out or "doomed" as you say when riding past an org. It's all a bunch of BS anyway. Just feel glad you haven't been conned anymore. I'm the happiest since I decided to leave and my family (non-Scios) have been so supportive.
 

Butterfly

Patron
Thanks WO. :)

Smartone - it wasn't really just a thought like "Oh I'm doomed" as I drove by the org. It was actually a completely illogical feeling of anxiety and panic. It doesn't happen anymore. But after I left the Sea Org, I didn't even drive downtown past the org for several years. The first or second time I drove downtown approaching the Fort Harrison...I got so panicked I almost got in a car accident.
 

HappyGirl

Gold Meritorious Patron
Hi Butterfly,
I'm just catching up with your story from 2007. Welcome, 2 years late! I lived in fear of what the church could do to me for many years. You're doing great. :)

I'm mostly over that fear now, but it can get stirred up now and then. I filled out a survey that came to an old email address and only answered the last question, which was "is there anything you want the org to know?" and just typed "go to a public library and google scientology. You really need to read what comes up." Yeah, I had a momentary lapse in sanity. :melodramatic: :D I really wanted them to stop emailing me, and forgot how insane they are. You can imagine the response I got back! I freaked!! It took me several hours to calm down and realize, hey, I'm not a Scio any more. So I wrote back that I said that because I cared about the individuals in the SO and know how much they care (which is true). How could anyone take that badly? :) She replied "thanks for clearing that up" and left it alone. Moral: Don't try to get off the mailing list by answering surveys. :D
 

Butterfly

Patron
LOL...alright HappyGirl, I'll keep that in mind. I did answer one email recently. It was an emailing verifying my mailing and email addy, and I requested to be taken off the mailings lists. I wonder if they actually will...I get so much stuff in the mail.
 

Butterfly

Patron
Several weeks ago, a Scientologist friend (lets just call her Kate) that I had reconnected with through facebook, asked me if I was back on lines. I told her no. She took it upon herself to "pull strings" on me. I ended up telling her my whole story, something I haven't even done on this message board. At that time she told me she would not write any reports on me.

I agreed to tell Kate my story. My whole intention was to be honest, and to also listen to her side of things. However, I should have realized from the beginning the whole thing would not be a real debate, but a true attempt to "handle" me. I should have stopped as soon as she said, "You aren't on my shit list yet". :duh:

She asked me to stop reading this message board at least during the time were were "talking" about things. I actually did that for a few weeks - (it wouldn't negate all the many things I've already read over the years). She had me watch the DVD with the Basics event on it. Long! Very good piece of advertising. I told her I would probably do some extension courses.....(don't have to go to the org for that, don't even have to have your freeloader debt paid to do it). The year previous, 2 S.O. members had come to my door to set up an ARC break session with me. I was actually going through an early miscarriage at the time (which I told them)...I was very tired, my house was in disorder. They came in, and sold me an extension course. They were very sweet and nice to my children. By the way, when I opened the door...they walked right in without me inviting them in. They talked very sweetly, but I definitely felt intruded upon. I bought the extension course to get them to leave...as soon as I wrote the check, they gave me the extension course packets and they were gone. Anyhow.....that was almost 2 years ago. But I told Kate that I'd do this course I'd already paid for. Problems of Work extension course...I'd read the book a few times when I was still in. Of course, this was the new book now. One thing I also told her was....hey, I've read the OT level stuff and even if I went to an org I'd probably just want to do a purif (but I was thinking if I did a purif it would actually be outside of an org, but I didn't tell her that).

Concurrently to this, an old friend that I was in the S.O. with (who happens to live in the same apartment complex as me) - Lets call him Mike - I ran into him in the laundry room. He asked me if I'd done conditions yet and gotten back on lines. I said no. He told me how he'd finally done them after 10 years out and it wasn't half as bad as he thought it'd be.

I found myself actually looking at the Doubt formula. I read it several times. My friend Kate suggested I may be in a lower condition since I read "squirrel stuff"...like enemy and treason. Find out that you are, find out who you are. (During this time I started doing my reading here on ESMB again...it really helped get me feeling grounded again.) As much as a packaged answer was seeming appealling to me in a very stressful time of our lives right now, after everything I'd learned I knew I didn't want LRH's packaged answers. Looking at those lower conditions, all I could come up with for "find out that you are " is "I'm an ex-Scientologist"...and for who you are "Someone who values truth and enjoys life without the Scientology filter, thinking for myself," That includes figuring things out without Ron's ethics formulas. He's a dead man who has no say on my ethics or my freedom. At that's as far as my "almost relapse" went. Seriously, I've been working on removing my Scientology "filter" for a while now (years, really), including kicking out the vocabulary I grew up using.

I then emailed Kate, who'd emailed several times about my progress, that I truly consider myself an ex-Scientologist. She immediately wanted to know who are what had gotten in my way of rejoining. I replied LRH was a human being like all of us, and I don't think he mapped the way to freedom for every soul. I then received a scathing email which included her absolutely arrogant opinions (since she is 3/4 way through the basics, she's the bees knees and knows way more about Scientology and how its better than all the sources Ron got it from ) - - and also pointed out that ex-Scientologists are all ingorant and out-ethics , and that my kids are now cursed. :omg:

I have now also recieved copy of a KR she wrote on me to RTC and FSO.

This whole handling she was doing on me, I have saved as a chat in gmail as well as emails. I may post it someday. It's sort of embarrassing though because I can see how I was being sucked back into the "vortex".
 

Zander

Patron with Honors
Several weeks ago, a Scientologist friend (lets just call her Kate) that I had reconnected with through facebook, asked me if I was back on lines. I told her no. She took it upon herself to "pull strings" on me. I ended up telling her my whole story, something I haven't even done on this message board. At that time she told me she would not write any reports on me.

I agreed to tell Kate my story. My whole intention was to be honest, and to also listen to her side of things. However, I should have realized from the beginning the whole thing would not be a real debate, but a true attempt to "handle" me. I should have stopped as soon as she said, "You aren't on my shit list yet". :duh:

She asked me to stop reading this message board at least during the time were were "talking" about things. I actually did that for a few weeks - (it wouldn't negate all the many things I've already read over the years). She had me watch the DVD with the Basics event on it. Long! Very good piece of advertising. I told her I would probably do some extension courses.....(don't have to go to the org for that, don't even have to have your freeloader debt paid to do it). The year previous, 2 S.O. members had come to my door to set up an ARC break session with me. I was actually going through an early miscarriage at the time (which I told them)...I was very tired, my house was in disorder. They came in, and sold me an extension course. They were very sweet and nice to my children. By the way, when I opened the door...they walked right in without me inviting them in. They talked very sweetly, but I definitely felt intruded upon. I bought the extension course to get them to leave...as soon as I wrote the check, they gave me the extension course packets and they were gone. Anyhow.....that was almost 2 years ago. But I told Kate that I'd do this course I'd already paid for. Problems of Work extension course...I'd read the book a few times when I was still in. Of course, this was the new book now. One thing I also told her was....hey, I've read the OT level stuff and even if I went to an org I'd probably just want to do a purif (but I was thinking if I did a purif it would actually be outside of an org, but I didn't tell her that).

Concurrently to this, an old friend that I was in the S.O. with (who happens to live in the same apartment complex as me) - Lets call him Mike - I ran into him in the laundry room. He asked me if I'd done conditions yet and gotten back on lines. I said no. He told me how he'd finally done them after 10 years out and it wasn't half as bad as he thought it'd be.

I found myself actually looking at the Doubt formula. I read it several times. My friend Kate suggested I may be in a lower condition since I read "squirrel stuff"...like enemy and treason. Find out that you are, find out who you are. (During this time I started doing my reading here on ESMB again...it really helped get me feeling grounded again.) As much as a packaged answer was seeming appealling to me in a very stressful time of our lives right now, after everything I'd learned I knew I didn't want LRH's packaged answers. Looking at those lower conditions, all I could come up with for "find out that you are " is "I'm an ex-Scientologist"...and for who you are "Someone who values truth and enjoys life without the Scientology filter, thinking for myself," That includes figuring things out without Ron's ethics formulas. He's a dead man who has no say on my ethics or my freedom. At that's as far as my "almost relapse" went. Seriously, I've been working on removing my Scientology "filter" for a while now (years, really), including kicking out the vocabulary I grew up using.

I then emailed Kate, who'd emailed several times about my progress, that I truly consider myself an ex-Scientologist. She immediately wanted to know who are what had gotten in my way of rejoining. I replied LRH was a human being like all of us, and I don't think he mapped the way to freedom for every soul. I then received a scathing email which included her absolutely arrogant opinions (since she is 3/4 way through the basics, she's the bees knees and knows way more about Scientology and how its better than all the sources Ron got it from ) - - and also pointed out that ex-Scientologists are all ingorant and out-ethics , and that my kids are now cursed. :omg:

I have now also recieved copy of a KR she wrote on me to RTC and FSO.

This whole handling she was doing on me, I have saved as a chat in gmail as well as emails. I may post it someday. It's sort of embarrassing though because I can see how I was being sucked back into the "vortex".

Thanks for writing this Butterfly. :thumbsup:

I think that scientology can be quite alluring, one can waver and be tempted back. However, in my experience it's virtually impossible to get back into the scientology mindset once one has stood back and seen things for what they are. I mean, what are you supposed to do with contrary facts - just write it off as the lies of squirrels and sp's ? That's one helluva mental feat, and one which I did attempt once when doing a doubt condition myself.

I've also had visits from SO members, they are always very understanding and helpful. But when this has occured I thouight to myself, now why weren't people so nice and helpful when I was actually participating!
 

Terril park

Sponsor
Several weeks ago, a Scientologist friend (lets just call her Kate) that I had reconnected with through facebook, asked me if I was back on lines. I told her no. She took it upon herself to "pull strings" on me. I ended up telling her my whole story, something I haven't even done on this message board. At that time she told me she would not write any reports on me.

I agreed to tell Kate my story. My whole intention was to be honest, and to also listen to her side of things. However, I should have realized from the beginning the whole thing would not be a real debate, but a true attempt to "handle" me. I should have stopped as soon as she said, "You aren't on my shit list yet". :duh:

She asked me to stop reading this message board at least during the time were were "talking" about things. I actually did that for a few weeks - (it wouldn't negate all the many things I've already read over the years). She had me watch the DVD with the Basics event on it. Long! Very good piece of advertising. I told her I would probably do some extension courses.....(don't have to go to the org for that, don't even have to have your freeloader debt paid to do it). The year previous, 2 S.O. members had come to my door to set up an ARC break session with me. I was actually going through an early miscarriage at the time (which I told them)...I was very tired, my house was in disorder. They came in, and sold me an extension course. They were very sweet and nice to my children. By the way, when I opened the door...they walked right in without me inviting them in. They talked very sweetly, but I definitely felt intruded upon. I bought the extension course to get them to leave...as soon as I wrote the check, they gave me the extension course packets and they were gone. Anyhow.....that was almost 2 years ago. But I told Kate that I'd do this course I'd already paid for. Problems of Work extension course...I'd read the book a few times when I was still in. Of course, this was the new book now. One thing I also told her was....hey, I've read the OT level stuff and even if I went to an org I'd probably just want to do a purif (but I was thinking if I did a purif it would actually be outside of an org, but I didn't tell her that).

Concurrently to this, an old friend that I was in the S.O. with (who happens to live in the same apartment complex as me) - Lets call him Mike - I ran into him in the laundry room. He asked me if I'd done conditions yet and gotten back on lines. I said no. He told me how he'd finally done them after 10 years out and it wasn't half as bad as he thought it'd be.

I found myself actually looking at the Doubt formula. I read it several times. My friend Kate suggested I may be in a lower condition since I read "squirrel stuff"...like enemy and treason. Find out that you are, find out who you are. (During this time I started doing my reading here on ESMB again...it really helped get me feeling grounded again.) As much as a packaged answer was seeming appealling to me in a very stressful time of our lives right now, after everything I'd learned I knew I didn't want LRH's packaged answers. Looking at those lower conditions, all I could come up with for "find out that you are " is "I'm an ex-Scientologist"...and for who you are "Someone who values truth and enjoys life without the Scientology filter, thinking for myself," That includes figuring things out without Ron's ethics formulas. He's a dead man who has no say on my ethics or my freedom. At that's as far as my "almost relapse" went. Seriously, I've been working on removing my Scientology "filter" for a while now (years, really), including kicking out the vocabulary I grew up using.

I then emailed Kate, who'd emailed several times about my progress, that I truly consider myself an ex-Scientologist. She immediately wanted to know who are what had gotten in my way of rejoining. I replied LRH was a human being like all of us, and I don't think he mapped the way to freedom for every soul. I then received a scathing email which included her absolutely arrogant opinions (since she is 3/4 way through the basics, she's the bees knees and knows way more about Scientology and how its better than all the sources Ron got it from ) - - and also pointed out that ex-Scientologists are all ingorant and out-ethics , and that my kids are now cursed. :omg:

I have now also recieved copy of a KR she wrote on me to RTC and FSO.

This whole handling she was doing on me, I have saved as a chat in gmail as well as emails. I may post it someday. It's sort of embarrassing though because I can see how I was being sucked back into the "vortex".

Hi Butterfly. I'm a scientologist, a former E/O and an OEC/FEBC grad. I'm a
Freezone scientologist.

Happy to talk to your friends/family on all this. Or you. Can phone the US and most countries for free. Would primarily point out the creed. Just one point is below:-

"That all men have inalienable rights to think freely, to talk freely, to write freely their own opinions and to counter or utter or write upon the opinions of others;"
 

Butterfly

Patron
Thanks for writing this Butterfly. :thumbsup:

I think that scientology can be quite alluring, one can waver and be tempted back. However, in my experience it's virtually impossible to get back into the scientology mindset once one has stood back and seen things for what they are. I mean, what are you supposed to do with contrary facts - just write it off as the lies of squirrels and sp's ? That's one helluva mental feat, and one which I did attempt once when doing a doubt condition myself.

I've also had visits from SO members, they are always very understanding and helpful. But when this has occured I thouight to myself, now why weren't people so nice and helpful when I was actually participating!

You're welcome :thumbsup:
 

Butterfly

Patron
Hi Butterfly. I'm a scientologist, a former E/O and an OEC/FEBC grad. I'm a
Freezone scientologist.

Happy to talk to your friends/family on all this. Or you. Can phone the US and most countries for free. Would primarily point out the creed. Just one point is below:-

"That all men have inalienable rights to think freely, to talk freely, to write freely their own opinions and to counter or utter or write upon the opinions of others;"

Thanks so much Terril for your very kind offer. I will keep it in mind, if I ever feel the need for help along those lines. For now, I'm definitely keeping that quote in mind so I can point it out. :)
 
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