Butterfly
Patron
This is my first post here. I've been lurking until now.
I could tell a much longer detailed and story. But I don't want to give too many details, having parents who are OT public. I have siblings on lines as well.
I grew up in Scientology. I had some public schooling but from fairly young went to private Scientology "non-denominational" schools. My parents met at a well known mission. My parents eventually split up and the parent my siblings and I remained with, remarried and we all moved to Florida. I continued at another Scientology school. After a while we couldn't afford tuition. Instead of being sent to an affordable school, I was put on a work/study program. I'd work tutoring or teaching half the day, and only study half the time. I hated it, and felt like my education had come to a screeching halt. I was not happy with any part of my life. Once my parent remarried, the communication was seriously lacking. Where once we could make decisions mutually, my step-parent would lay down ultimatum (this step-parent was very respected since OT). My step-parent was authoritarian. My behavior was being measured by a point system and conditions. The step-parent was stern, always giving ultimatums, and my parent simply started following suit. I was doing badly in school (maybe from only getting to study 3 hours per day?)and got a D of P interview at Mace Kingsly. I don't remember specifics. I only remember being told basically that I needed auditing and being given a program, which my parents did not buy for me. I started going on course with money I earned. Feeling no ARC with the parents, I got very attached to my high ARC course supervisor and was then recruited into the Sea Org. I was not yet an adult, I was not done with school. Things went from bad to worse. I had major misconceptions about what things would be like in the SO.
Life in the Sea org was harsh for me. There were times when I felt high on Sea Org life, being part of such a tight nit group, and feeling like I was saving the world. However I did want to leave almost immediately after finishing the EPF and being posted. I kept being re-recruited however. I really felt trapped there. I barely spoke with my parents for over a year. I did the EPF and/or FRU a few times. I had some harsh ethics actions done on me. I became very depressed, which I hid mostly and then finally divulged that I had some very dark thoughts. I was put under watch, routed out, and told that I was becoming the scum of the earth, psychotic for wanting to leave, and lots of fun stuff like that. It took probably 2 or 3 months to be routed out.
Fast forward. I haven't been truly online since I left the SO. I have gone through many stages of being sure I have left the church for good, then thinking I should go back, back and forth. I am sure now I'm not going back but still feel irrationally afraid at times that I'm making a bad choice. I did not live with my parents long after getting out of SO, but proceeded to move out within a fairly short time. The atmosphere was simply smothering for me. I'm not sure what HCO told them exactly but they were not happy with me. From the time I moved out of the parents place, to now, approximately 15 years have passed. I have completed some college courses. I had a party stage which I think was actually cathartic for me and helped me wake up further from the Scientology bubble I had lived in since birth. I did eventually realize that continuing that kind of partying was not a good long term goal, and it ended several years ago. I have a family of my own now. I've been reading lots of books on different spiritual and self help viewpoints. I've read Steven Hassan's book Releasing the Bonds.
Overall I feel much more free now than I ever have. I feel like I have a lot of making up to do still in the education department, and re-arranging of my beliefs. I was always a bright student. I simply fell behind because of my situation of little study time (oh, which was one day a week in the SO). For quite a while after leaving SO I would have nightmares of SO members chasing after me or trying to recruit me. I only very rarely dream about SO now and when I do it is me sneaking into the org for some reason. I never have felt as depressed as I was when in the SO, however I can get in some semi-dark moods and sometimes still feel like I am doomed for not continuing in Scientology and can feel quite anxious about it. I feel anxious when I drive by the org still, though not as bad as many years ago.
Dilemmas:
I am in contact regularly with my family, who are public. My parent is not happy overall as far as I can tell, which I would never have thought from an OT. My parent also expressed a concern to me about a sibling who lives on their own, who has called in a depressed mood at certain times. My parent has expressed a worry of my sibling committing suicide. What am I to do? I call my sibling, spend time with, etc, try to get interested in things and keep busy. I have casually mentioned non-Scientology "success" and "positive thinking" books to my sibling to see what the response might be for anything outside scientology and was met with a "that is crap, its not LRH" attitude.
If any of you think I have posted too many details to be "safe" ,so to speak, from being found out, please let me know so I can take them out. I guess I am afraid of rocking the boat. I have never expressed to my family that I'm not going back to the church. I guess I will have to sometime but I'm nervous about it. I suppose I can just tell them and not explain the depths of my reasons. I really would like to hear any ideas on how to help my sibling though. I don't know what I would do if something terrible did happen to him.
I could tell a much longer detailed and story. But I don't want to give too many details, having parents who are OT public. I have siblings on lines as well.
I grew up in Scientology. I had some public schooling but from fairly young went to private Scientology "non-denominational" schools. My parents met at a well known mission. My parents eventually split up and the parent my siblings and I remained with, remarried and we all moved to Florida. I continued at another Scientology school. After a while we couldn't afford tuition. Instead of being sent to an affordable school, I was put on a work/study program. I'd work tutoring or teaching half the day, and only study half the time. I hated it, and felt like my education had come to a screeching halt. I was not happy with any part of my life. Once my parent remarried, the communication was seriously lacking. Where once we could make decisions mutually, my step-parent would lay down ultimatum (this step-parent was very respected since OT). My step-parent was authoritarian. My behavior was being measured by a point system and conditions. The step-parent was stern, always giving ultimatums, and my parent simply started following suit. I was doing badly in school (maybe from only getting to study 3 hours per day?)and got a D of P interview at Mace Kingsly. I don't remember specifics. I only remember being told basically that I needed auditing and being given a program, which my parents did not buy for me. I started going on course with money I earned. Feeling no ARC with the parents, I got very attached to my high ARC course supervisor and was then recruited into the Sea Org. I was not yet an adult, I was not done with school. Things went from bad to worse. I had major misconceptions about what things would be like in the SO.
Life in the Sea org was harsh for me. There were times when I felt high on Sea Org life, being part of such a tight nit group, and feeling like I was saving the world. However I did want to leave almost immediately after finishing the EPF and being posted. I kept being re-recruited however. I really felt trapped there. I barely spoke with my parents for over a year. I did the EPF and/or FRU a few times. I had some harsh ethics actions done on me. I became very depressed, which I hid mostly and then finally divulged that I had some very dark thoughts. I was put under watch, routed out, and told that I was becoming the scum of the earth, psychotic for wanting to leave, and lots of fun stuff like that. It took probably 2 or 3 months to be routed out.
Fast forward. I haven't been truly online since I left the SO. I have gone through many stages of being sure I have left the church for good, then thinking I should go back, back and forth. I am sure now I'm not going back but still feel irrationally afraid at times that I'm making a bad choice. I did not live with my parents long after getting out of SO, but proceeded to move out within a fairly short time. The atmosphere was simply smothering for me. I'm not sure what HCO told them exactly but they were not happy with me. From the time I moved out of the parents place, to now, approximately 15 years have passed. I have completed some college courses. I had a party stage which I think was actually cathartic for me and helped me wake up further from the Scientology bubble I had lived in since birth. I did eventually realize that continuing that kind of partying was not a good long term goal, and it ended several years ago. I have a family of my own now. I've been reading lots of books on different spiritual and self help viewpoints. I've read Steven Hassan's book Releasing the Bonds.
Overall I feel much more free now than I ever have. I feel like I have a lot of making up to do still in the education department, and re-arranging of my beliefs. I was always a bright student. I simply fell behind because of my situation of little study time (oh, which was one day a week in the SO). For quite a while after leaving SO I would have nightmares of SO members chasing after me or trying to recruit me. I only very rarely dream about SO now and when I do it is me sneaking into the org for some reason. I never have felt as depressed as I was when in the SO, however I can get in some semi-dark moods and sometimes still feel like I am doomed for not continuing in Scientology and can feel quite anxious about it. I feel anxious when I drive by the org still, though not as bad as many years ago.
Dilemmas:
I am in contact regularly with my family, who are public. My parent is not happy overall as far as I can tell, which I would never have thought from an OT. My parent also expressed a concern to me about a sibling who lives on their own, who has called in a depressed mood at certain times. My parent has expressed a worry of my sibling committing suicide. What am I to do? I call my sibling, spend time with, etc, try to get interested in things and keep busy. I have casually mentioned non-Scientology "success" and "positive thinking" books to my sibling to see what the response might be for anything outside scientology and was met with a "that is crap, its not LRH" attitude.
If any of you think I have posted too many details to be "safe" ,so to speak, from being found out, please let me know so I can take them out. I guess I am afraid of rocking the boat. I have never expressed to my family that I'm not going back to the church. I guess I will have to sometime but I'm nervous about it. I suppose I can just tell them and not explain the depths of my reasons. I really would like to hear any ideas on how to help my sibling though. I don't know what I would do if something terrible did happen to him.
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