My story from narconon and scientology

[Krautfag]

And this story alone includes pretty much every reason why the church of scientology and all things scientology should be stomped into the ground and buried deep enough never to be seen again by mankind. Someone might get "wins" from the "tech" but even if so all "wins" from whoever claims them are not worth one day of the bullshit this person had to go through. And I couldn't care less if the "tech" even made you walk on water and raise the dead, dump f******* scientology.

 

[JinLing]

Im getting sick of my own story by now lol, so i probably missed out a lot.

Anyway, while my husband kept going on solo II we still didnt have enough to buy anything exept his tickets to go to the org. And his meter needed silvercerting, and we needed to pay our IAS and i needed my auditing (by now the pts rundown) and somehow we managed to get most of the money, but not my auditing, cause that wasnt as important as my husbands auditing, and once we had gotten his OT III fixed, they told us all would fix, both our finance and our lousy relationship, at this time.) i remember once being called in to talk to the MAA and she asked me if it wasnt a better idea that i found someone rich in scientology to get married to instead, since she thought that i was pretty, and could go up the bridge that way instead, so that my husband could take another girl that was allready OT cause that would be easier on him. Thats an interesting way of looking at family, kids and love

I think probably my greatest releif is to not have to deal with all of those phonecalls that i use to get all day (and sometimes at night when they called from another part of the world) just that pressure! It really was killing us both. My husband had another year or so to go on his contract, before that it was really hard for us to get the kind of cash that was needed, but he tried. He actually paid in OT III three times as i said, without succeeding to ever get onto it because of diffrerent other actions that needed to be done on him.

When i finally was setup to go in session again i was so bloody stressed about partly not having enough to eat while in session, but i managed, then i was stressed because i only had 2 days a week when my husband could get the kids home from school so that i COULD go at all because of his very crazy schedule. I started to get trouble sleeping, just because there was so much pressure to get him up to OT III and to be sessionable those few days where i could get in session, and also doing a regular job on the side and not being able to get all clothes and stuff for the kids that was needed. There is a lot of fees outside of scientology too when having kids, but it was never really considered. Anyway i got more and more worn out and sad and having extreme issues with my sleep. So i had to do more pts handlings until i one day showed up at the org in tears and so mentally and physically finished that they just put me on a PAB6. Finally i was only sleeping about 2 hours a night, just feeling like a failed scientologist. I hated that feeling. I always felt that i wasnt strong enough to go up the bridge like others did. I was told it was my drugcase having taken LSD that made it like that. I just think i was very alone with a too huge responsibility now looking at it, but then i just felt like it was me who was too bad, too outethic (i didnt do anything! I did everything expected, just never had enough money)

I was supposed to stay home and take walks and vitamins. I generally think vitamins are good, but i can tell you that it wasnt the solution for me not making it anymore, my body just couldnt handle more and i was really depressed, but i kept going to the org to update on my progress although i felt they pretty much dropped me after i started to feel that bad.

When my husband was done with solo II (and 90 hours or so of secchecking, well he might have not been that good all the time, but i can never imagine he had the time being that bad considering he spent most of the last 10 years being on course and on auditing) he was also done with his contract at the org. We decided both of us being really finished and tired and basically fed up with the whole thing, to take a holiday instead of paying in my salary to the church that i got over the summer. So we took the kids and went away instead, and thats probably the happiest time we ever had. Just that peace of noone trying to tell you what to do, just long walks on the beach, nice cheap food and the rainforest just outside the window. It was wounderful.

 

[dontscamme]

We decided both of us being really finished and tired and basically fed up with the whole thing, to take a holiday instead of paying in my salary to the church that i got over the summer. So we took the kids and went away instead, and thats probably the happiest time we ever had. Just that peace of noone trying to tell you what to do, just long walks on the beach, nice cheap food and the rainforest just outside the window. It was wounderful.

The value and benefits of that vacation alone probably exceeded everything you and your husband ever got out of Scn.

 

[JinLing]

The value and benefits of that vacation alone probably exceeded everything you and your husband ever got out of Scn.

Well, it was great to not have to deal with any pressure for some time. We stayed abroad for some time then. Unfortunatly quite soon after we both reverted to drugs.

There is no real explanation or excuse to it, but i remember the time back in our country as very lonely. Since we then stopped going to the org, we basically had no other friends or connections at all. We were extremly lonely and everything felt weird. I know my ex felt very outethic and bored with life all the time (and still does) He got a "wog-job" and me too, but it was very hard to kind of adapt to life as it was before scientology. He had this idea that because he was no longer a staff or on lines, he would slowly die. And so he kind of made that come true.

Anyway after some time he no longer wanted to stay with me and he broke up. I got him back to narconon anyway (i knew nothing else to do at the time), and i quit drugs by myself, getting help from a friend that i had actually never met, but we had been talking online for quite some time. He knew nothing about scientology at that point though. I told him all of that later, but i still find it kind of hard to explain it all to someone who never was in. Guess thats why im here. Anyway, this guy who helped me is now my boyfriend since two years back.

 

[scooter]

Well, it was great to not have to deal with any pressure for some time. We stayed abroad for some time then. Unfortunatly quite soon after we both reverted to drugs.

There is no real explanation or excuse to it, but i remember the time back in our country as very lonely. Since we then stopped going to the org, we basically had no other friends or connections at all. We were extremly lonely and everything felt weird. I know my ex felt very outethic and bored with life all the time (and still does) He got a "wog-job" and me too, but it was very hard to kind of adapt to life as it was before scientology. He had this idea that because he was no longer a staff or on lines, he would slowly die. And so he kind of made that come true.

Anyway after some time he no longer wanted to stay with me and he broke up. I got him back to narconon anyway (i knew nothing else to do at the time), and i quit drugs by myself, getting help from a friend that i had actually never met, but we had been talking online for quite some time. He knew nothing about scientology at that point though. I told him all of that later, but i still find it kind of hard to explain it all to someone who never was in. Guess thats why im here. Anyway, this guy who helped me is now my boyfriend since two years back.

I love happy endings - thanks for posting your story, Jinling.

Any moar?

 

[JinLing]

I love happy endings - thanks for posting your story, Jinling.

Any moar?

There is a lot more... but for now this is a very short and not so dramatic version

Its hard for me to write the full detailed story, since im quite scared still somehow. I know its not going to kill me to write and talk about scientology, but ive been told so much that it will happen that its hard to just drop that feeling.

 

[scooter]

I had a similar problem but I found that I got better and better the more I wrote.

It's actually very therapeutic to get it out and get it acknowledged by the rest of us here.

And you do feel good for finally seeing EXACTLY what happened in your time "in" and what REALLY happened to you as a result of that - it's very liberating to do.

And (most importantly) we LOVE reading ex-culties stories here.

 

[JinLing]

I was thinking how my desicions in life would have been a lot different if i wasnt in scientology all of those years. I dont really regret that i had the experience that i had, i somehow wished i stood up for myself and trusted my own feelings earlier, but i always had this strong feeling in me that there is so much suffering on this planet and i wanted to take all unjustice away, and the only way i knew at the time was scientology. But there is a few decisions based on scientology that i regret a lot. One of them can never be undone.

when i had finally started my training again, and got to an agreement with my husband so that he could sometimes pick our kids up in daycare so i could be away, i got pregnant again. It was not planned. I was working fulltime, studying in a university (fulltime studies but based on the internet so i didnt have to be there all the time) and was also on training in the org (god knows how i made all of that happen, but i did) AND i was the mother of two kids basically alone as well since my husband was never at home because of his post. (more like 3 different posts at this time, he was both qualsec, auditor and CS back then)

The work i did was basically making me worn out and sick. I was put on pab6 once in a while, but it was never really considered that my problem was all the work i was doing and not much sleep or proper food, because we could not afford that much most of the time. (production is always good you know, and if youre too tired you get to do ethics and conditions that you cant follow because then production goes down ..lol)The kids never had new clothes ( iwas lucky to get some used clothes from my family once in a while) That was also the only contact i could have with my family basically, theyve always been against scientology, so to be in a lot of com with them would instantly make me PTS. Anyway, being in com with them is about the same today, they are against most things regarding me, but at this time at least it doesnt make me end up on long pts-handlings every time they say something

You also have to know that since me and my husband both had drugproblems in the past we basically started out with nothing. We had no furniture or that sort of thing. The first few years we lived together we had no kitchentable. It sounds crazy considering how much money we ened up spending on the bridge, but we always felt guilty if we spent cash on mest instead of the bridge, or we were made feeling guilty.

At the time i got pregnant again we had some money that i had saved up. My husband got happy i was pregnant despite that we knew we wouldnt have much money and so on, but the births of our other kids was something huge in our lifes and we were allready planning for the new baby.

Then i got sick, i dont know if it was because i was so tired and had worked so much, but my body just wouldnt get up from bed and i had a terrible morningsickness which is quite an understatement for what i was going through, i was throwing up all day and all night and lost over 20 lbs in only a few weeks. My husband tried to get time off post to help me but he couldnt get that, so he came home during his lunchbreak and then he brought me some juice, cause that was the only thing i could get into me that wouldnt just come up straight away again. Basically i was too sick to take care of the kids myself, but the ED wouldnt let my husband have time off still and i started to really doubt i could go through all of this by myself, i started to panic.

I called the doctor and he wanted to prescribe me medicine which i couldnt take of course since it was considered to be a psych medicine (its used for both morningsickness and anxiety)

I talked to my EO and she went through our situation, she didnt really tell me what to do, but the feeling i got was that i was all alone with this, that i couldnt demand of the ED or my husband that he would come home and help me, and that the pregnacy would be totally my own responsibility.

Both me and my husband wanted this baby, but we just couldnt find a way of making it happen. So i decided to have an abortion. One of the things in my life that i regret the most. Another scientologist that was supposed to "handle me" told me "that there is no thetan there anyway, i woukld consider abortion since its not much more than a lump of meat" (i thought that was so cold and awful)

My reality is that there is life there from the beginning. And that i had no right to decide over that life in the way i did at that time, even if i had no good solution. In dianetics youre told that an abortion is always wrong, but i actually got acked afterwards by the EO as having made the right decision. Maybe an abortion isnt such a big deal for everyone, but for me its something i think of a lot when i see my two other kids and one is kind of always missing. I had to do a chemical abortion, which means you take pills and after some time the "baby" comes out when youre in a room by yourself and you actually have to see it. That it had to be like that still pisses me off. It pisses me off that the natural thing would have been that my husband could be home more and then we could have made it work. Im not saying he should have been home all day, just not been away 80- 120 damn hours a week.

I always felt weird about the data in the dianeticsbook that says that a thetan enters a body just before or after birth. I know that my babies have been acting the same inside of me as they did when they came out, like i could allready after about 16 weeks pregnant feel a personality there.

 

[JinLing]

So i got some letters from SO that they want me to come in for a talk. Hmm. Dont think ill like that "talk". Ive changed adress now and they wont have it though, which is nice since i dont want more visits. I think they are getting into my exhusband to try and handle him, he is a real trouble to me recently. When the kids visited him last weekend they came home and told me daddy was smoking something that smelled strangeout of a small metalpipe, im suspecting he has been smoking crack or cocaine, so now i cant let the kids go there until he sorted that out.

I talked to him on mail, and then he said he didnt do it, would never do that in front of the kids, but that he does it sometimes. I dont feel like he would do it sometimes. But what do i know. He is also in com with some people in the SO that of course doesnt know this. He is on the basics while on drugs too. My dilemma with him is that he think that scientology is the only thing that can handle him, but since he has no money and huge debts, he cant go back there so he is doomed. So he is just letting his life slip away basically. He is going to a psychologist as well, but that psychologist doesnt help him to quit drugs as far as i can see, just accept it every time he reverts. My experience is that one have to be pretty strict to get success in helping someone off drugs. You cant just say, "ok have some more if you feel its too hard".

Sometimes i want him back in scientology only to get his life back on track as far as killing himself. He told me the other day he OD.d on methadone once and smashed his face completely (i saw him after this, but he then told me a different story than the truth) like its something funny that happened a few months ago. When i moved out of his and mine old house, i actually got rid of all scientologybooks (that took me 2 years to do, and i still feel guilty) but i kept his e-meter like he asked me to do. Its in my hallway now and it feels strange. I had this weird dream tonight that an OT-guy i know was talking to me about being outethic, and i had some feelings of if im doing the right thing in leaving really. I know i cant handle the depression i feel in scientology at times, but i miss the friendship and purpose and kind of solutions in life. I know those solutions didnt always work for me, but when im unhappy in my life right now, then i kind of miss that stability that i had back then. Dont know if anyone know what i mean. Smetimes i think its because i left scientology my life is hard now. I hate those feelings of uncertainty.

My ex has promised to try and sort his situation out a year ago, but its only getting worse, and he is now using a drug he wasnt even using prior. He look really miserable, and im getting so frustrated that i cant help him somehow so he can be a good father to our children. I know narconon probably wuold be able to sort him out, but i dont want to get into the cykle of reporting and getting him back in SO either.

Its complicated.

 

[scooter]

Damn - it sure is getting tangled up for you.

The only time I've ever seen successes for quitting drugs is when the person really does want to quit.

Is there a way you or someone else could "ruin" him about his habit so that he does want to quit finally and forever? It seems (from the very little data I have) that he is just happily and irresponsibly using because he can't confront his life and nobody is actually getting through to where HE lives to talk to him about it.

Seen lots of people like that "do time" in Narconon and come out the other end and go straight back into drug/alcohol use.

If nothing else, we're here for you should you need us.

 

[parrotnutz]

The value and benefits of that vacation alone probably exceeded everything you and your husband ever got out of Scn.

No doubt

 

[parrotnutz]

So i got some letters from SO that they want me to come in for a talk. Hmm. Dont think ill like that "talk". Ive changed adress now and they wont have it though, which is nice since i dont want more visits. I think they are getting into my exhusband to try and handle him, he is a real trouble to me recently. When the kids visited him last weekend they came home and told me daddy was smoking something that smelled strangeout of a small metalpipe, im suspecting he has been smoking crack or cocaine, so now i cant let the kids go there until he sorted that out.

I talked to him on mail, and then he said he didnt do it, would never do that in front of the kids, but that he does it sometimes. I dont feel like he would do it sometimes. But what do i know. He is also in com with some people in the SO that of course doesnt know this. He is on the basics while on drugs too. My dilemma with him is that he think that scientology is the only thing that can handle him, but since he has no money and huge debts, he cant go back there so he is doomed. So he is just letting his life slip away basically. He is going to a psychologist as well, but that psychologist doesnt help him to quit drugs as far as i can see, just accept it every time he reverts. My experience is that one have to be pretty strict to get success in helping someone off drugs. You cant just say, "ok have some more if you feel its too hard".

Sometimes i want him back in scientology only to get his life back on track as far as killing himself. He told me the other day he OD.d on methadone once and smashed his face completely (i saw him after this, but he then told me a different story than the truth) like its something funny that happened a few months ago. When i moved out of his and mine old house, i actually got rid of all scientologybooks (that took me 2 years to do, and i still feel guilty) but i kept his e-meter like he asked me to do. Its in my hallway now and it feels strange. I had this weird dream tonight that an OT-guy i know was talking to me about being outethic, and i had some feelings of if im doing the right thing in leaving really. I know i cant handle the depression i feel in scientology at times, but i miss the friendship and purpose and kind of solutions in life. I know those solutions didnt always work for me, but when im unhappy in my life right now, then i kind of miss that stability that i had back then. Dont know if anyone know what i mean. Smetimes i think its because i left scientology my life is hard now. I hate those feelings of uncertainty.

My ex has promised to try and sort his situation out a year ago, but its only getting worse, and he is now using a drug he wasnt even using prior. He look really miserable, and im getting so frustrated that i cant help him somehow so he can be a good father to our children. I know narconon probably wuold be able to sort him out, but i dont want to get into the cykle of reporting and getting him back in SO either.

Its complicated.

ACK! No...substituting one addiction for another!

 

[lkwdblds]

A very touching story!

JinLing - Your story is very touching , it makes one's heart feel pain for the children but also one's heart and mind sing out in joy at your courage and dedication to see that the children received some care and some love. In Scientology, many Scientologists do not believe in a God such as the God of the Bible but they do believe something exists on the 8th Dynamic. With that thought in mind, the most appropriate thing I can say to you is, "God bless You!" Whatever that means to you, I can't think of anything stronger to acknowledge you for helping your own and other children under very difficult circumstances.

Scientology tech is a very interesting subject. To be sure, there are truths there. In my opinion, LRH knew he had to give people some truths, some wins, some validation or no one would ever join his movement. There are truths given, especially in the earlier and lower parts of the subject. Once people receive a truth such as finding out you are not a brain or a body but you are a spiritual being, people think that if LRH is right about this, he must be right about everything else too.

The really bad part of Scientology indoctrination is that when someone learns a new piece of LRH tech which has some truth, like all sickness comes from being PTS, they accept it blindly, 100% literally as being total truth with no possible exceptions allowed. They are missing many steps, they have not examined the supposed "truth" and tried to make it their own. The don't demonstrate the "truth" to themselves and see ways in which it could be true and ways in which it could not be true. Later on these people become OT's and highly classed auditors and gain altitude above others. Others feel the OT knows more than he does and accept the brainwashed OT's ideas about the "truth" as having to be the complete truth.

You rose above this indoctrination under very difficult circumstances and you were able to separate real truth from partial truths and falsely held beliefs. This is very hard to do when you are all alone and haved joined a non democratic organization which is run as a dictatorship. You have shown great strength and independence of thought, being young and basically alone and yet being able to rise on your own out of this trap! I hope that you find assistance and support from many people on ESMB and make many new friends. Your work in helping children will not go unrewarded!

We do not hear much about groups like Narconon. What went on there is similar to what goes on in Orgs but there are enough differences to make your story fresh and interesting. I am looking forward to reading more chapters.
Lakey

 

[JinLing]

ACK! No...substituting one addiction for another!

Well, since he is allready on the methadoneprogram to be switched to subutex, thats the replacement and the coke id just guess is something he also added, and he even smoke hasch now i found out from him (at least he is honest), "even" i say because he always used to hate that and he wouldnt even take it if someone gave it to him.

Anyway, now he agreed to not use coke and to give me regular urinsamples when he pick the kids up, so i hope thas enough to keep him straight .. or more straight.

 

[JinLing]

text

I felt very good about your reply, actually made me happier than i felt for months, felt good that you would see that in me. Since im also not always feeling like what i did was strong, i have moments where i feel like im a bad person for blowing too.

Yes, a narconon is run just like a usual org, with the difference that its usually even more workinghours since they have to work nights as well, and also the staff maybe have a little less ethics to follow, it shouldnt be that way according to the references, but i think its usually like that.

The pc´s end up high once in a while or have sex with each other and staff sometimes blow to use drugs or get drunk. I dont say that all do, but since they have all (most) been on drugs it does happen. So i would say that it was an unpredictable workingday i had in front of me almost every morning.

But i liked that part, it was worth a lot if i could just save someone or make someone happier. Im just not sure that scientology was the right way....

 

[JinLing]

Damn - it sure is getting tangled up for you.

The only time I've ever seen successes for quitting drugs is when the person really does want to quit.

Is there a way you or someone else could "ruin" him about his habit so that he does want to quit finally and forever? It seems (from the very little data I have) that he is just happily and irresponsibly using because he can't confront his life and nobody is actually getting through to where HE lives to talk to him about it.

Seen lots of people like that "do time" in Narconon and come out the other end and go straight back into drug/alcohol use.

If nothing else, we're here for you should you need us.

Ahh ive thought so much about this, but he only knows his psychologists and the people that treats him in his current rehab. I feel like im the one that keep him from just killing himself. Sometimes i want him back 9in scientology just to make him straight again, on the other hand i really dont want him back there cause then ill get in trouble in many ways. I will have to deal with them then, and i dont want to cause in the end that means we will have to disconnect and the kids will have to either stay with him and not see me or the opposite. Makes me pissed off.

I know his mainissue is that he doesnt have a family anymore, and he started to use drugs at x-mas because we celebrated with my family without him (well he was invited but wouldnt come) so he kind of blame his druguse on me not staying with him, which was impossible at that time. we couldnt meet like two people that had a relationship. Also we were put under a separationorder (on my birthday, thanks for that!!!) which basically ruined everything. My problem was that i never got to see him, and when we met we were both so worned out that we would mostly argue, the solution from the church was to separate us for a year... odd solution to me.

He was drugfree for more than 10 years prior to all of this, but during all of that time he was on training, auditing or working in NN, so i think that he has the idea that no one can be drugfree unless they are fulltime-scientologists.

Thankyou so much for your support.. it makes me feel a lot better

 

[lkwdblds]

I'm happy that my post and others made you happier.

I felt very good about your reply, actually made me happier than i felt for months, felt good that you would see that in me. Since im also not always feeling like what i did was strong, i have moments where i feel like im a bad person for blowing too.

Yes, a narconon is run just like a usual org, with the difference that its usually even more workinghours since they have to work nights as well, and also the staff maybe have a little less ethics to follow, it shouldnt be that way according to the references, but i think its usually like that.

The pc´s end up high once in a while or have sex with each other and staff sometimes blow to use drugs or get drunk. I dont say that all do, but since they have all (most) been on drugs it does happen. So i would say that it was an unpredictable workingday i had in front of me almost every morning.

But i liked that part, it was worth a lot if i could just save someone or make someone happier. Im just not sure that scientology was the right way....

I am happy that my post and others like Scooters made you happier. Your tales of what went on at Narconon and its similarites and differences to normal Orgs are interesting and informative to read about.

When people help children, that catches my attention. If a person helps children, even in the face of suppresion, then that person is among the elite of the Earth in my opinion. Despite any shortcomings or bad habits the person may have (and we ALL have them), the devotion to helping children is such a great indicator as to the person's character that in my opinion, it is one of the most important traits by which to judge a person. Helping animals is also a guide as to a person's character but as cute as the animals are, helping a child is much more important in judging character in my opinion. In fact, helping animals can be carried too far and can even become an aberration but helping a child can never be carried too far.

Please keep those posts coming about your time a Narconon!
Lakey

 

[MrNobody]

JinLing,

with your level of experience, can't you see the pattern(s)? I can't believe that. So why do you ignore them? You know that this will not help anybody, don't you? You know that this willful ignorance only furthers your misery and the misery of everybody involved, don't you? And why are you trying to shoulder burdens that just aren't yours? These burdens probably don't even exist, at least not all of them.

You and your husband still love each other, that much I can see, but some burdens he just has to shoulder alone; and he will refuse to do so as long as he finds somebody else to do it for him or somebody he can blame for their existence. As long as he doesn't pick up his load himself, you have two options remaining: go down with him, or live your life without him. If he does pick up his load, it's OK if you help him carry it - and that'd probably be the best outcome for all of you.

I don't think I've told you anything new, and I don't think this posting will gain me many friends here on ESMB, but I've seen these patterns and the possible outcomes at least a hundred times - too often to keep quiet.

Now stone me.

PS: I can't tell you what exactly you should do or which way you should go, because you have to go your way, not mine.

 

[JinLing]

JinLing,

with your level of experience, can't you see the pattern(s)? I can't believe that. So why do you ignore them? You know that this will not help anybody, don't you? You know that this willful ignorance only furthers your misery and the misery of everybody involved, don't you? And why are you trying to shoulder burdens that just aren't yours? These burdens probably don't even exist, at least not all of them.

You and your husband still love each other, that much I can see, but some burdens he just has to shoulder alone; and he will refuse to do so as long as he finds somebody else to do it for him or somebody he can blame for their existence. As long as he doesn't pick up his load himself, you have two options remaining: go down with him, or live your life without him. If he does pick up his load, it's OK if you help him carry it - and that'd probably be the best outcome for all of you.

I don't think I've told you anything new, and I don't think this posting will gain me many friends here on ESMB, but I've seen these patterns and the possible outcomes at least a hundred times - too often to keep quiet.

Now stone me.

PS: I can't tell you what exactly you should do or which way you should go, because you have to go your way, not mine.

You will probably have to clarify your opinion here. When it comes to scientology, im not in there anymore am i? To be on this message board wouldnt be possible if i was on that side, would it? However im not always strong, remember that almost half of my life and all my grownup life ive been a scientologist. I was a teen when i joined.

What burden do you mean is not really even real?

Have you been a scientologist? Then probably you could understand the feeling of having to be responsible for all things that happens around you. I do feel like if something happens within my sphere, its there for a reason and to be solved somehow, the best way i can think of.

And last; i dont love my exhusband, but i love my children. I grew up with a father that really didnt give a shit and a mother and a stepdad that was beating and abusing me and my siblings. Because of that i wish my kids a childhood with a father present even though our relationship could not work out.

I do see what you talk about regarding my ex, but his problem becomes mine when he has our kids every second weekend...

 

[JinLing]

By the way im not into stoning anyone. People are like they are and think what they think.