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My story:- Why did I sign that contract, then another one?

X-Member-Hooray

Patron with Honors
Profile:- Day staff member in Australia 79-83 then more involvement as a public person in 86-77.
I mainly worked in Division II and IV. I trained and became an auditor and course supervisor. Things were sort of, going ok until the Ethics Mission came along.
I have only recently come on this site and already gotten a number of answers from issues that have bugged me for many years. While on staff I tended to think I was the only one who thought a certain way and sincerely came to believe there was something terribly wrong with me, and I was an evil, bad person to the point that when I left the cult I loathed myself, and it took many, many years to recover and fully realise what a negative effect the cult had on me. I have recently had a major operation and even then I was mistrusting about the Specialists and overly worried about the effect the anaesthetic would have on my body, all from Scientology indoctrination. Rather than just getting on with it like the other patients around me.
To start my story my Aunt became involved with the cult and I had some free time as I was looking for a job. My Aunt convinced me to checkout the Org and then receive some free auditing from a student doing an interneship. She made out that Auditing was the greatest thing in the world. I ended up in tears while I had this auditing as I found trying to word clear Scientology terms way too difficult to understand and the list of words seemed never ending. I chose not to continue this auditing. However not long afterwards she convinced me to go back and do volunteer work which I did as I was staying at her house. That was the beginning of a chapter in my life that I completely and totally regret.
Yes you guessed it, before I knew both Fdn and Day Org were clambering over me trying to recruit me with full gusto. I had only just started seeing a man who I eventually married. As it turns out he had recently been body routed about two months previous and was now the Personal Procurement Officer (PPO) in HCO. He was madly trying to recruit me along with the ED. I could see him perspiring and desperately glancing around the room, looking almost afraid that he would get persecuted if I did not sign the contract for 2.5 years. I was really struggling to get a job and was told how I would acquire the skills to operate competently in the work force and how auditing and training would make me a far greater and more competent person. Being an absolutely gullible twit and only 19 years of age I signed on the dotted line. In hindsight I think why wasn’t I told all the implications about being on staff. I knew the pay was from donations and varied each week, but did not realise that it could be sometimes months with zero pay or perhaps $10.00 pw if things were on a high. I was also not aware that I was obliged to train every week night so I had to earn an income over the weekend. I also was dumb enough not to realise I was expected to become a Scientologist, whereas I was of the thinking that I could just dabble and take on board the aspects that resonated positively with me.
I had recently commenced the comm course, and I thought it was novel and a bit of fun, but really disliked the way most of the staff tended to stare at me, and looked overly attentive and acknowledged me a bit too much if I said anything. Even to this day I wondered about the effectiveness of TRO, bullbaiting and the endless Do birds Fly? Or Do fish swim? Even at that early stage I thought these people are off their rockers, but then they were nice people and very friendly and hey it was a totally new experience and I would learn from it. I felt really foolish for signing the contract for 2.5 years, but felt I had to honour my commitment, and commence work as an Expeditor in Division II.
 

Operating DB

Truman Show Dropout
Yes, please. More!

Everything in your story is familiar to me as I went through the same crap. You're not alone.

I was love bombed and coerced to join staff by 4 staff members that were my very close and admired friends. I really had no interest in joining staff but was so pressured I that I felt there was no way out. Well, 32 years later, the good thing is those 4 people are out and still my friends! It was no fault of their own. They were indoctrinated too. All if forgiven.
 

Idle Morgue

Gold Meritorious Patron
Thanks for your story - please continue - it is excellent! I was able to see the Regges coming a mile away and would literally run - away - and not return calls. They never got to reg me to join staff or the Sea Morgue and it was pure luck that I escaped the cycles. The reg for new staff would glare at me with hatred because I ducked away from any potential "comm psycho"! :clap:
 

X-Member-Hooray

Patron with Honors
Expediting / first year in Cult
The first eight weeks or so on staff were just great. I was smiling all the time and enjoying feeling part of a dedicated group that wanted to make the world a better place. I indulged in a new social life and pretty well everything was just rosy. Just about all the staff were lovely and all had stories to tell me about the amazing things that could happen through getting up the Bridge. I heard personal accounts from staff such as one staff member was in a wheelchair and then after auditing she could walk, someone who was coloured blind could suddenly see green and red ( pardon the pun) after auditing for the first time ever, and stories of personal exteriorisation. I kept getting hints that Scientology could unlock the mysteries of the world, and they had the key to change the course of all mankind. I became super intrigued and wondered about all these OTs in the field and on staff and what powers they secretly held.

Anyway I became an Expeditor and spent the first year writing letters to the field as a Letter Registrar. I found this post totally monotonous and a few people whispered in my ear that I was really meant to try out different positions and get a feel for the Org before I got posted. Anyway I hand wrote around 150 letters per week, and generally ended up being upstat as I usually wrote maybe 5 more each week so ended up in Normal so was not harassed. I was appalled at the amount of promotion that was sent in the mail to the field. It just never stopped and I think the field must have received 10 lots of promo per week. There were files in Central Files (CF) where a person had purchased DMSMH, 15 years ago and were still being bombarded with mail. It was beyond my imagination to know what to write to these people. CF was in 2 sections. T & P and book buyers. I got to know the files well and easily realised that about 95% of CF was totally inactive. For many, many years. I thought this was absolutely ridiculous and how did LRH’s policy correspond with this. Obviously the interpetation was the outflow created and inflow to some extent, and of course twas all about the stats. I ended up thinking what sort of a ‘half wit’ am I doing something all day where there was no value that I could see. I disagreed with it and was not getting paid. I did not even get a handful of replies which may have lead to service in an entire year. Then I was pressured to sell books which I also felt awful about as they were going up 10% per month, and they were already more than double the price than a similar sized hardcover book in the wog world.

From starting out super happy in the Org after about 12 weeks I was just the opposite. I became very unsure of myself and depressed. I wanted to get out, but I was having a great relationship with the PPO, who had not managed to recruit anyone other than myself. My partner just loved Scientology and believed everything that was said and was completely thriving on the tech, hook line and sinker. I kept getting told that the difference between Scientology and other practices is that Scientology works I don’t know how many times. I found this hard to come to terms with as there really were very few Scientologists in the field, and the Org consistently owed a huge amount of rent, to the point that I am surprised we were not booted out.

I kept being told I was PTS as the relatives were not happy with me being in the Org. Especially my Mum could tell I was miserable although I always tried to hide it. I also hid my moonlight job from the family and I could not bear to tell them I was not being paid. I had auditing and training and really did not see much in the study tech apart from word clearing. However I convinced myself that as I was PTS that is why I am not getting any gains and kept feeling I must be a bit dumb not to be having wins like the people surrounding me. I was only 19 and had not yet developed the sense to see things from an adult’s perspective. So I gullibly went along with everything, and was often perplexed about how everyone thought the tech was brilliant … apart from me.

I found the e-meter super intriguing and found delight in the student or auditor telling ‘that was the same thought’ and working out my emotion. I had auditing and went backtrack to other civilisations in other galaxies and space ships and other exciting stuff. I back tracked to FN and felt absolutely fantastic … and Yes Scientology does have the key to the mysteries of the world and became super keen to go up the Bridge and discover ALL.

Before I came across Scientology I had suffered an extremely traumatic situation which had affected me greatly. I ended up having so much auditing about this situation hour after hour. However the pain I had suffered never diminished. After auditing I felt great that day, if the execs had not bugged me but the next day I felt like I may as well not have had the auditing to begin with. I became very aware of what I was audited on and if case gain had been made in regards to that issue. It was always the same, that I had not really improved at all and that was because I was PTS. I became more unhappy as I did not find anything wonderful about training and processing and felt the bulk of the people whom I was writing too must have thought I was off my rocker. I wanted to leave the Org but I knew my freeloader bill would have been adding up and my partner was still raving on about how wonderful it all was. He was completely blown away as he had revealed to me that he had exteriorised twice in the past fortnight just after auditing and was blissfully happy. If I had exposed my true feelings I believed my partner would have left me. I felt I could not say ANY of my true feelings as I had been through the formulas four times and did not feel like doing the Doubt condition again, nor did I want to be re-referred back to source, like a stuck record.

This was the beginning of a very long cycle of convincing myself that the only explanation was that I was quite inferior in intelligence and was PTS and things will never improve for me. I could not say to anyone that even though my family did not like Scientology, they did not get nasty or threatening about it. I think they believed I would eventually move onto something else, and that would be it. I wanted to say it is the Execs that flatten my FN and things like mood drills or objectives at Muster which I could not see the point of, and many other crazy things in the Org that were upsetting me, or things that did not make sense.

OH well I may as well fulfil my contract and keep my mouth shut. Then hopefully my partner would not leave me. In hindsight this first year was the best year in the cult.
To be continued.
 
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Feral

Rogue male
Wow X-Member, you describe it so well, you know the path you took through the beginning days was just like mine, wondering if if it was just you, putting the lack of tangible results down to PTSness, the futility of performing the useless functions of a staff member. The feeling that it's just you that isn't on board. Geez.

I persisted and ended up on OTVII for 15 years. It was unfortunate, but I am very stubborn.:duh:

I got in just when you were there, Jo Lawrence (later Pollard and then Reed) was the ED when I was there. I remember hoping it was all going to be true, and the stories! I heard all those stories in the early '80s. Urban legends, all of them.:duh:

I was told that one day a pc and an auditor vanished, as well as the meter. Right there in session!. They never did find what happened to the meter. I just thought that the bloke that was telling me had a proclivity for bullshit, I didn't realize that it extended to everyone there.
 

X-Member-Hooray

Patron with Honors
I was love bombed and coerced to join staff by 4 staff members that were my very close and admired friends. I really had no interest in joining staff but was so pressured I that I felt there was no way out. Well, 32 years later, the good thing is those 4 people are out and still my friends! It was no fault of their own. They were indoctrinated too. All if forgiven.[/QUOTE]

Pleased to hear that there are others with similar stories. I was foolishly love bombed and thought my partner was highly ethical and wanted to make the planet a better place. So I felt safe and secure at the time. Hmmmm ... the foolishness of the young.
 

X-Member-Hooray

Patron with Honors
Wow X-Member, you describe it so well, you know the path you took through the beginning days was just like mine, wondering if if it was just you, putting the lack of tangible results down to PTSness, the futility of performing the useless functions of a staff member. The feeling that it's just you that isn't on board. Geez.

I persisted and ended up on OTVII for 15 years. It was unfortunate, but I am very stubborn.:duh:

Hi Feral,

It is good to know that there were other people out there who had similar experiences, though not good for you. I always felt that I was the only one who felt this way on staff and the active field. PTSness is another degrading concept. It seems to be labelled upon anyone who is really struggling to get results and is unstable. It is assigning blame to family members who probably go out on a limb to try and convince the Scientologist to make rational choices. It is a derogatory label which ends up being an excuse for the wonderful technology not to work.
 
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X-Member-Hooray

Patron with Honors
Eventually after 12 months I just could not stand writing letters any more and I went to work in Tech as I still was not officially posted. I absolutely loved it. The Auditors and Qual staff were amazing and I looked up to them. They were way up the Bridge and I was so impressed at their professionalism and they appeared to have some inner knowingness, certainty and mystique about them. It again whetted my appetite for wanting to do the OT levels and find out these amazing secrets of the Universe.


I worked in Tech admin, so worked closely with Auditors and the CS. It was great to be doing a varied post and there were a few months where I was sailing along, with the Tech Sec handling all the difficult issues and I was the backup. I was happy in my place, and thinking it was all worth it after all and my 2D was going just great.



Although things were going well for me there were a number of things which I questioned. When the Tours Reges visited I would be shocked at the amount of services they sold and income they brought in. I was even more shocked as often it was hard to actually get the person who had bought the service to receive it. Not always, but I kept thinking why buy a service and have money in your account for sometimes years. Then there were other people who flocked in for auditing and then wanted more and more. One guy was on the point of bankruptcy but was still buying more auditing. That was perfectly OK as he must be on the brink of having a major case gain and then he would prosper again.


We were encouraged strongly to attend Events which I quite enjoyed but there would always be some stuff up which was quite embarrassing, such as the film projector malfunctioned or some silly thing. All staff had to set down after the Event and I used to be so tired putting chairs away late at night and I was constantly run down. I used to quietly smile to myself when some of the public would sneak off early after an Event or the Academy and walk down the rusty metal staircase to avoid the lift, so the Reges would not spot them sneaking off. The Tours Reges were never overly friendly, to me anyway, and they seemed to have the attitude that they were elite, made heaps of money and we were some silly Org that they looked down on. Well that is what it seemed like at the time. However, one night they called me into their office and gave me a scenario which I believed. I was told that LA Org had a special program for people such as me to do up to OT III for free as part of being a staff member. They would help me apply for it, and I was completely eligible, and should be able to do it within a year. Of course you guessed it. It was Wednesday night and I ended up forking out $500.00 to help pay for an e-meter which I did not want as I was not planning on becoming an Auditor at that time. The next day I rushed over to the SSO and told him this amazing news with full excitement in my voice. The SSO informed me this was not the case and if so, there was no shortage of staff before me who should have this opportunity first. I kept insisting it really was for real. When I tried to approach the Tours Reg that day, she put me off because it was Thursday. I will never forget the Reg was cross-eyed and she looked at me as though she did not know me and at the end of the day left to go to another Org.



I struggle to remember specifically what happened after that in correct order but an Ethics Mission had arrived and we were all ordered to get our stats up big time. WE were all ordered to make several phone calls per day to coerce the public to start their services, and ensure every public person in the building gets routed to the Reg. I found this extremely hard to do as I know the public must have been driven up the wall, big time being hassled about the same thing again and again and a few people were short with me on the phone. I was of the viewpoint that if a person bought something they should be allowed to take it on their terms. Meantime the Tech Sec had a major row with the Ethics Mission and blew, so I was suddenly the new Tech Sec. Fortunately this Mission only lasted about one month. Another Ethics Mission came some time later just after LRH died that was 100 times worse.
Things went along fairly well in some ways, but internally I was getting more and more depressed. My partner was forever encouraging me to study every night, so it was getting into city each morning, working all day, rushing home to cook dinner and then rushing back to the Org for evening study and finally get home by 10.30 pm and then moonlighting on Saturdays.
I continued to wonder about myself and felt I had not made any significant case gain although I did get a reasonable amount of auditing. I stated to the SSO more than once that I did not want auditing and to give the hours to staff that found it truly beneficial. This worked in reverse to my intentions as obviously I had missed withholds and got more auditing. I always cringed when I was near a photo of LRH. I decidedly did not like him but tried to rationalise it by thinking maybe it was just his facial expression and the tone of his voice on the tapes. Anyway I kept going back track in my auditing and remembered ‘last life’ and distinctly remembered making an attempt to murder LRH and that was why I did not like him. I was super VGIS and huge FN once I realised this terrible overt and that was the real reason I did not like him. Anyway a day or so afterward I decided I did not like him again. I rationalised by thinking it was highly unlikely that this event was true and started to believe these back track recollections of being an alien and flying space ships, monsters and weird worlds were just too ridiculous, however when the auditor said ‘that was the same read and I expressed these weird stories I felt great, had some cognition and FN. So they must be true … after all my partner had similar backtrack experiences and many of the staff. Let alone the book,” Have You Lived Before this Life”. So it must be true. On occasion I dabbled with the e-meter and found I could make myself rockslam quite easily. I was not thinking anything nasty, but recalled when I recalled a traumatic event and that would make me rockslam. I was a bit naughty once and glanced at the inside of my PC folder and saw a written message that I was a suspected SP. My self confidence plummeted once again and started to believe I was a really bad person and was I PTS or an SP. One student auditor refused to finish an auditing cycle on me, yet I was busting my gut trying to help people and clear the planet. Maybe the problem was I was really Clear and all the auditing was overrun and that is why I felt so bad. This auditing was really starting to do my head in. Then again Maybe it was because I was Out-Int.
 

Free to shine

Shiny & Free
Geez ... I could have written this!
Isn't it awful that we all think we are the only one who felt that way and must be a terrible person, when exactly the opposite is true!

Liking this ....
 

Johnd

Patron with Honors
Eventually after 12 months I just could not stand writing letters any more and I went to work in Tech as I still was not officially posted. I absolutely loved it. The Auditors and Qual staff were amazing and I looked up to them. They were way up the Bridge and I was so impressed at their professionalism and they appeared to have some inner knowingness, certainty and mystique about them. It again whetted my appetite for wanting to do the OT levels and find out these amazing secrets of the Universe.


I worked in Tech admin, so worked closely with Auditors and the CS. It was great to be doing a varied post and there were a few months where I was sailing along, with the Tech Sec handling all the difficult issues and I was the backup. I was happy in my place, and thinking it was all worth it after all and my 2D was going just great.



Although things were going well for me there were a number of things which I questioned. When the Tours Reges visited I would be shocked at the amount of services they sold and income they brought in. I was even more shocked as often it was hard to actually get the person who had bought the service to receive it. Not always, but I kept thinking why buy a service and have money in your account for sometimes years. Then there were other people who flocked in for auditing and then wanted more and more. One guy was on the point of bankruptcy but was still buying more auditing. That was perfectly OK as he must be on the brink of having a major case gain and then he would prosper again.


We were encouraged strongly to attend Events which I quite enjoyed but there would always be some stuff up which was quite embarrassing, such as the film projector malfunctioned or some silly thing. All staff had to set down after the Event and I used to be so tired putting chairs away late at night and I was constantly run down. I used to quietly smile to myself when some of the public would sneak off early after an Event or the Academy and walk down the rusty metal staircase to avoid the lift, so the Reges would not spot them sneaking off. The Tours Reges were never overly friendly, to me anyway, and they seemed to have the attitude that they were elite, made heaps of money and we were some silly Org that they looked down on. Well that is what it seemed like at the time. However, one night they called me into their office and gave me a scenario which I believed. I was told that LA Org had a special program for people such as me to do up to OT III for free as part of being a staff member. They would help me apply for it, and I was completely eligible, and should be able to do it within a year. Of course you guessed it. It was Wednesday night and I ended up forking out $500.00 to help pay for an e-meter which I did not want as I was not planning on becoming an Auditor at that time. The next day I rushed over to the SSO and told him this amazing news with full excitement in my voice. The SSO informed me this was not the case and if so, there was no shortage of staff before me who should have this opportunity first. I kept insisting it really was for real. When I tried to approach the Tours Reg that day, she put me off because it was Thursday. I will never forget the Reg was cross-eyed and she looked at me as though she did not know me and at the end of the day left to go to another Org.



I struggle to remember specifically what happened after that in correct order but an Ethics Mission had arrived and we were all ordered to get our stats up big time. WE were all ordered to make several phone calls per day to coerce the public to start their services, and ensure every public person in the building gets routed to the Reg. I found this extremely hard to do as I know the public must have been driven up the wall, big time being hassled about the same thing again and again and a few people were short with me on the phone. I was of the viewpoint that if a person bought something they should be allowed to take it on their terms. Meantime the Tech Sec had a major row with the Ethics Mission and blew, so I was suddenly the new Tech Sec. Fortunately this Mission only lasted about one month. Another Ethics Mission came some time later just after LRH died that was 100 times worse.
Things went along fairly well in some ways, but internally I was getting more and more depressed. My partner was forever encouraging me to study every night, so it was getting into city each morning, working all day, rushing home to cook dinner and then rushing back to the Org for evening study and finally get home by 10.30 pm and then moonlighting on Saturdays.
I continued to wonder about myself and felt I had not made any significant case gain although I did get a reasonable amount of auditing. I stated to the SSO more than once that I did not want auditing and to give the hours to staff that found it truly beneficial. This worked in reverse to my intentions as obviously I had missed withholds and got more auditing. I always cringed when I was near a photo of LRH. I decidedly did not like him but tried to rationalise it by thinking maybe it was just his facial expression and the tone of his voice on the tapes. Anyway I kept going back track in my auditing and remembered ‘last life’ and distinctly remembered making an attempt to murder LRH and that was why I did not like him. I was super VGIS and huge FN once I realised this terrible overt and that was the real reason I did not like him. Anyway a day or so afterward I decided I did not like him again. I rationalised by thinking it was highly unlikely that this event was true and started to believe these back track recollections of being an alien and flying space ships, monsters and weird worlds were just too ridiculous, however when the auditor said ‘that was the same read and I expressed these weird stories I felt great, had some cognition and FN. So they must be true … after all my partner had similar backtrack experiences and many of the staff. Let alone the book,” Have You Lived Before this Life”. So it must be true. On occasion I dabbled with the e-meter and found I could make myself rockslam quite easily. I was not thinking anything nasty, but recalled when I recalled a traumatic event and that would make me rockslam. I was a bit naughty once and glanced at the inside of my PC folder and saw a written message that I was a suspected SP. My self confidence plummeted once again and started to believe I was a really bad person and was I PTS or an SP. One student auditor refused to finish an auditing cycle on me, yet I was busting my gut trying to help people and clear the planet. Maybe the problem was I was really Clear and all the auditing was overrun and that is why I felt so bad. This auditing was really starting to do my head in. Then again Maybe it was because I was Out-Int.

Hi X. Really great thread. So much of what I felt on staff (former s.o.) was fear and anxiety--and shame--about my own lack of case gain. I went back and forth between:
1. thinking I must have more hideous back track overts and

2. imagining that I really had made the grade chart gains only it wasn't evident in 'the physical universe' because I wasn't 'OT' enough

3. thinking I was just basically a piece of crap, unlike all the other shining examples of tech workability.

4. thinking they were all full of crap and the workability of the tech was imaginary.

#4 really made me feel bad because I'd committed so much to the cult.

The r/s thing is really kind of emblematic of what scn was really about in my opinion. Staff had to worry about r/sing on the wrong thing. It was often cause for being sent to the rpf. ANYONE could be subject to crushing humiliation, demotion to the lowest caste and ostracism on the basis of
a motion of the e-meter needle that was usually caused by body motion or poor electrical connection. Who knows what if anything the r/s meant? It was just--in my opinion--another way to inject constant fear and dread into the group. People are more controllable that way. For me, it seemed to strengthen the internal thought policeman. I could never stop thinking 'bad' thoughts, but I got to the point where--for a time--I was able to quickly sort of patch over the horror of fraying delusion.

'Out-int' was in my view another bit of madness, but of a different sort. It was one of the many things you couldn't be 'audited over.' If you were you wouldn't 'make gains.' So there was the 'Int rundown,' the 'Int correction list,' then the 'End of Endless int Rundown,' and I think an 'End of Endless Int Rundown correction list.' In other words the remedy could go on so long that you needed a remedy for the remedy and then a remedy for the remedy for the remedy, etc. All paid for by the hour.

john
 

Feral

Rogue male
--snip-- The Tours Reges were never overly friendly, to me anyway, and they seemed to have the attitude that they were elite, made heaps of money and we were some silly Org that they looked down on. Well that is what it seemed like at the time. However, one night they called me into their office and gave me a scenario which I believed. I was told that LA Org had a special program for people such as me to do up to OT III for free as part of being a staff member. They would help me apply for it, and I was completely eligible, and should be able to do it within a year. Of course you guessed it. It was Wednesday night and I ended up forking out $500.00 to help pay for an e-meter which I did not want as I was not planning on becoming an Auditor at that time. The next day I rushed over to the SSO and told him this amazing news with full excitement in my voice. The SSO informed me this was not the case and if so, there was no shortage of staff before me who should have this opportunity first. I kept insisting it really was for real. When I tried to approach the Tours Reg that day, she put me off because it was Thursday. I will never forget the Reg was cross-eyed and she looked at me as though she did not know me and at the end of the day left to go to another Org.

--snip--

Pretty sure that was Sue McClintock, she ended up becoming the CO CLO ANZO. She was a fairly vindictive person, and a cunning liar, so it was a good job fit for her.
 
............ I always cringed when I was near a photo of LRH. I decidedly did not like him but tried to rationalise it by thinking maybe it was just his facial expression and the tone of his voice on the tapes. Anyway I kept going back track in my auditing and remembered ‘last life’ and distinctly remembered making an attempt to murder LRH and that was why I did not like him. I was super VGIS and huge FN once I realised this terrible overt and that was the real reason I did not like him. Anyway a day or so afterward I decided I did not like him again..............

:lol::lol::lol:
 

X-Member-Hooray

Patron with Honors
FINALLY it was getting towards the end of my contract. I was somehow going to make it after all. Then being the gullible twit that I was I ended up signing a five year contract. I had a long talk with the ED (before she blew) and she convinced me to train in the TTC as an auditor and a Supervisor. I did this in Sydney and had no real complaints, and in fact enjoyed most of the experience. Of course I gullibly believed the sales talk about the knowledge gained and how competent, confident, capable etc, etc I would become, and what an asset I would be to the Org and I would be oding my bit to Clear the planet. Well ….. it just ended up being the usual story, I was readily put on a post different to what my training had been for, to fill a necessary vacancy.


Another Ethics Mission arrived around 1983-84. Not sure of all dates and sequences of events as it was almost 30 years ago. This time we were all dreading it I am sure. I won’t elaborate too much as similar stories have been told numerous times. It was a constant push for stats ( no surprise there) and the second ED blew and was replaced with someone with more ego than experience. Night watch was in full force and I used to have to stay up all night and then go home to refresh myself and then back on post. I think I did this once per month. Apparently there were threats to the Org and some expensive equipment had been stolen at night. Night watch went on for some months, and of course no security system was put in place apart from the staff. The Org started a practice of advertising in the paper for staff. The Ad was misleading but the phone did not stop ringing. A few people started on voluntary work who were generally lost and lonely but did not stay long. Assumably they thought they would get paid, but a few decided to stay around for a bit when they realised it was unpaid.



During the Mission I was taken off post and put tin RPF and had to clean walls and had a rag around my wrist. To this day I am not sure quite what I had done wrong. But I assumed it was because my stats were not high enough at the time. At that time Staff were ordered not to leave post till their stats were up, although most had disappeared before Fdn arrived by 7pm. I was ordered to have a tailored Confessional as it was thought that I was a squirrel. I happened to be in HCO and saw a note that said I might be an SP and the same info was just inside my PC folder. I found the entire thing extremely degrading and was very upset that my fellow staff were obviously thinking so little of me, even though I worked so hard with them and trained every single night to the point that I was always run down. I became extremely depressed and really got to the point of self loathing and feeling I must had huge overts back track and was so the opposite of the shining SO staff who knew how brilliant the tech was and implied they were following it to the letter. I so wanted to leave the Org but I felt so guilty about it, as we were so short staffed as it was almost impossible to get a replacement who knew what they were doing. I felt so much shame, guilt and unhappiness that I often wished I would be a victim in a major traffic accident just to get away from the Org without them following me and trying to convince to come back. Although ironically I am obviously being carefully monitored as I still might be an SP.



On weekends at home I used to get rung up and hassled by the Fdn Org to come in and be an Examiner for PC coming out of session as they could get no one else while the Mission was there. The poor staff member sounded desperate and miserable. Anyway one Saturday late afternoon I came in and was just leaving when the person in charge of the Ethics Mission was previously a very highly regarded Auditor in Sydney Org who is now deceased called me into his office. I ended up staying there for what seemed like hours until I agreed to pay $2000 on some services I did not want. He just was not going to let me leave. I ended up resenting this person so much, and it was then that I decided I am out of here. Shortly after I decided to route out, which in itself took weeks as I kept being called to do work on post. I felt so guilty about this, but I was a total failure in Scientology and really felt there was something drastically wrong with me.
My partner routed out at that time due to genuine ongoing health problems, and his endless roller coaster type behaviour which of course was because I was an SP. Of course Scientology was still very happy to get every dollar and ounce of labour out of me.



A few years later my partner whom I married wanted to give Scientology another chance. We had paid our freeloaders bill off and went in for a Church service one Sunday afternoon. I just wanted to be on friendly terms with the Org. The Reges were onto us like starving hyenas. We ended up both buying auditing and training and doing OT preps, although I really did not want to but hubby kept talking me into it over several weeks. We had both had auditing and both attested Clear. I had some silly notion that auditing was not working for me as it was overrun and I must be Clear. By this time hubby had taken out high interest loans that we really could not afford and then a higher interest loan. I was really upset with him for this. I did OT preps and really did not feel any noticeable case gain from all this extra auditing. WE could not afford even another loan. The Reges hassled me and I felt they were not going to let me out of the building. I had to lie to them and say how fantastic the auditing was otherwise I knew I would be sent down to Qual or HCO. The following day I was at home all day and the phone was almost constantly ringing the entire day. I could not believe that any Reg would attempt so many phone calls. I was scared I would soon hear knocking on the door.
Not that long after I went with my two young children for a holiday at my Mums house. When I returned hubby had decided to join the Sea Org and had signed a billion year contract. We ended up going to the EO in Sydney Org, and I told him that I really did not want this to happen. I was going to be housed in some cheap dump with two young girls while hubby did his work and I would hardly see him. I was so upset and said I could not bear that scenario. The EO then called me all sorts of derogatory names, and though I was a worthless, pathetic specimen. He then said I was going to getting declared. Hubby and I left at that point. I found out shortly after that the EO blew himself not long afterwards and went back to New Zealand and was also in an out-2D situation. Yet he had no problem telling me what he thought of me.



Anyway when we left I felt like I was in a state of shock, and I think hubby must have felt that I was a complete failure and we ceased to communicate about anything personal. I was so upset that I felt I was almost in a mild state of shock for some months. An unexpected opportunity came up which I really, really wanted, however as we owed so much money it could not happen. Then hubby decides to leave me. I ended up in a Refuge run by the Catholics. The Catholics were very kind to me especially as I had two children aged 18 months and four years old and I was allowed to stay there for up to 3 months. Hubby leaves me homeless with the debts that took me 3.5 years to pay off. Fortunately I was used to living on the smell of an oil rag and working my ass off. Hubby decides not to pay me any Child Support for the next twenty years and clears off with the few dollars left over, and seemed to resent me big time. Much of my motivation on being in the Org was so make him happy as I felt he would have left me if I turned away from the beliefs.


It is now almost 30 years on. My daughters and I are very close. I did my best to ensure they got a comprehensive education and they have excelled career wise. I eventually went to University and got a reasonable job. It was an incredible battle to get ahead financially, and get an education but I did it as I had no qualifications when I signed up for Scientology. I so regret signing that contract, when in the back of mind I was trying to get up the conviction to go to University when I was 19. I so regret having anything to do with Scientology ever. Even though many of the staff were lovely people I imagine only a small scattering of them still remain on lines. I have bitter memories of many of the SO staff, but then they were probably far more screwed up than I was. To this day I cannot even tell my daughters that I had ever been in Scientology. I am sure it is like several years unaccounted for that they wont ask about as they know there is something I refuse to talk about.


It has taken years and years to get Scientology out of my head and look at the services rationally and try and understand what was going on in people’s heads in those years. I look back at services such as the Purification rundown. Yes, I did feel very squeaky clean after it, but was there any significant difference in health say a month or two later. Did we really need all those vitamins and Niacinamide and hours in the sauna? I tend to think others forms of detoxification would have been just as effective, for just a few dollars.
I have come to the end of my story, which I have written as a way to put all those crazy years to rest. This site has helped me to realise that many others have had similar stories, but a hell of a lot worse.
In finalizing I have to say I have appreciation to the writers of many, many posts who give a concise account, and very clear perspective on what this cult is all about.

X-Member-Hooray
 

TG1

Angelic Poster
Wow! I just raced through all that. Thank you so much for putting your story here.

How WONDERFUL that you made a lovely life for yourself and your girls, considering how your young life was bent by the cult.

As bad as those early years were, if you hadn't held tough and refused to go along with your husband's SO obsession, things would have turned out so much worse.

Way to go! :clap:

TG1

P.S. Also, congrats on getting shed of the loser ex-husband, too. Isn't it grand how some "losses" turn out to be big strokes of luck?
 

Johnd

Patron with Honors
Thanks for the amazing story! You really get into some of the innards of cult life--the pressure, the dishonesty, the fear, the constant invalidation, the stupid stats, that bizarre cult coercion, the disruption of lives.

Glad you got out with your kids and did well!


john
 
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