My Ups and Downs
- Thread starter FoTi
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FoTi
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Okay, so now I'm living at the Shangri Lodge across from the Manor Hotel which eventually became CCLA or CCInt.
It was right next to the Hollywood Fwy and my apartment was closest to the freeway so I could never open my windows or else I just got the exhaust from all the cars and trucks on the freeway. I either had to turn on the A/C or open the front door which opened into the hallway to get any air. My bedroom was only a few feet from the freeway and I would worry about a car or truck going awry and landing in my bedroom. It was most uncomfortable living there. Most of the people living in the building were Scientologists who were struggling financially.
Now, I had to figure out how I was going to earn the money to pay back the money to my father since I was supposed to give up being trustee and handling those business affairs. I was now $30,000 in debt to him and horribly upset with my experience with Flag. When I was younger, I did some acting and TV commercials and extra work for a few years so I decided that would be a way that I might earn that kind of money and pay him back. I decided to go take some voice over classes for commercials and went and got an agent and was working in that direction.
At this time there was a Scientologist, an OT named Richard ??? who was giving some kind of business seminars and since I hadn't given up my position as trustee yet, I went and took his seminar. Artie Marin (spelling?) was there and was helping out with the seminar. I asked him a question regarding the area of TV commercials and his answer to me was...."Your integrity is out." Huh?
I couldn't make any sense out of what he said and he never did answer my question and acted like he didn't have time to talk to me any further, so I just let it drop. At this seminar the speaker talked about getting rid of negatives in one's thinking and mentioned something about writing up - reasons why not. I went home and tried to apply this. I also made an appointment with this guy Richard for me and my father to meet with him.....I thought maybe I could get my father to look at the business angle of Scientology and handle him that way. My father and I went to meet with him. His father had a chain of drug stores and he worked with his father and had an income from there, if I remember correct. My father didn't care to pursue Scientology from that angle either.
I was a bit bothered because this guy was in the drug store business and weren't drugs a no no for Scientologists? I realize drug stores sell a lot of other things, but their main business is the pharmacy and the pharmacy would be filling people's prescriptions for psych drugs as well as other medications. This didn't make sense to me that the church would allow him to be doing OT Levels while connected to this.
Shortly after I moved into the Shangri Lodge, I walked out into the hallway one day and there was a notice posted on the board about a seminar on how to get 50 mpg on one's gasoline. I was interested so I called the number and said I wanted to attend. The guy running the seminar showed up a while later to collect my money for the seminar. He was OT III. I was impressed with that. I was impressed with anybody who had done OT Levels and I thought they knew more than me and were wiser and more able than I was. I always felt less around people who had done OT Levels. I placed them above me and looked up to them.
We talked for a while. I was alone and he was single. I was planning on making spaghetti for the following night for dinner, so I invited him to come back and have dinner with me. He accepted and left. I went to bed.
The next day I couldn't seem to get anything done. I couldn't cook the spaghetti dinner I had planned, I couldn't clean up the apartment, I couldn't take a shower and get dressed, I was caved in and laying on the couch - I felt awful - I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me or why I felt this way. I looked at who or what had come into my life since yesterday when I was doing okay. The only person I could see that was new in my life was this guy. I couldn't see how it could possibly have anything to do with him because he was a Scientologist and OT III and couldn't possibly be supressive. I just couldn't get up and make dinner or do anything else, so I called him and uninvited him to dinner.
I explained that I wasn't feeling well and couldn't make dinner. I felt bad for backing out on the invitation. He wouldn't accept this. He insisted on coming over and taking me out to eat. I didn't want to go but he invalidated my wishes and talked me into it. I managed to drag my body off the couch and take a shower and get dressed before he arrived. I still didn't want to go. He insisted so we went to a restaurant and had dinner. Here I was going against myself again. I paid for my own dinner because I didn't want to feel obligated to him. I still felt really wierd. He took me home and then went his way.
Then I went to his seminar, which was very interesting. After the seminar, he came over to me and sat down and asked me to go to dinner with him. I couldn't say no. He looked very anxious and I suddenly felt kind of sorry for him. I said okay. Here I was going against myself again. We went to dinner and at dinner he expressed an interest in having a 2D with me. I said no. He looked very upset. I felt sorry for him again. I felt like I'd hurt his feelings and I didn't want to do that. I just had no interest in a having that kind of relationship with him. I told him I just wanted to be friends.
I thought this was settled so on another evening I fixed dinner for the two of us and over dinner we were talking and I mentioned something about being exterior - away from my body - I thought since he was OT III it would be okay to talk about that, but it wasn't. He didn't say anything, but he got visibly disturbed by what I had said and I never brought it up again. I couldn't understand how he could be OT III and be upset by that. That really baffled me.
One day, I had to go to my father's house for something. It was a drive, so I asked him the previous evening if he wanted to ride out with me. He said okay. The next morning, he didn't show up. I called him and there was no answer. He stood me up.
So, I went by myself, but I was pissed at him. When I got back, he eventually showed up and told me that he had fallen asleep and the phone had been unplugged so that he didn't hear it when I called. I didn't know whether to believe him or not. I was still miffed.
One night he took me to dinner. We went in my car because his car was a junk heap. He played the guitar and had written and recorded a song and after dinner we rode around playing his song over and over again. I drove while he played the tape. I can remember racing around the Hollywood Hills in a rather dangerous manner and thinking....why am I doing this? This is not like me.....but I did it anyway. It was rather reckless and totally unlike me.
Another evening he was at my apartment and he wanted to go dancing. I didn't want to go dancing with him. He kept after me until I finally went and changed my clothes and we went out....again I went against myself and went with him. We went in my car again because his was a junk heap. We never found anywhere in Hollywood to dance, but we stopped somewhere and he had a drink and then went back to my apartment. I think it was that night that he managed to get closer to me. I remember sitting on his lap and I looked at him and he looked at me and he gave a little laugh and what I percived was evil.....but it couldn't be.....he's OT III......I invalidated my own perception.......because of what I believed about OTs in Scientology. I went along with him against my own knowingness.
Then one day he walked in and said that his roommate was an SP. Ignorant me said..."Oh that's awful...you need to get out of there....you can stay here for a bit." So, he moved his stuff into my apartment. 
(I then met his roommate...he was a Scientologist, on course....I don't think he was an SP.)
One evening shortly after he moved in with me, I was at the kitchen sink doing something and I did something that made me yelp...poked my finger with something??? He was standing over by the frig. When I yelped he instantaneously moved from where he was standing to where I was standing. Hmmm....how did he do that? OTness?
I think because of my father being this SP and being stuck in the middle of this CCRD stuff and having to turn against myself to carry out this program from Flag, I was feeling very unsafe and I thought that I might be safer having someone around me that had done OT III - for some kind of protection.
Then he wanted me to work with him promoting and doing his seminars on the 50 mpg gas stuff. That was okay. But, I still wanted to do the commercials and make the money to pay my father back the money I owed him. One day I get a call for an interview for a commercial. I'm getting ready to go and he decides he's going to go with me. NO....YES.....NO...he went with me. I didn't want him there. I wanted to go alone. He goes into the reception area with me. I sign in and get the script to work on before the interview. I sit down next to him and he looks around and says...."Boy, OTIII would sure help with this profession." Oh, great. I really needed that in the middle of what I was trying to do. I didn't know what he was talking about. MU's???? :confused2: So, I have to work on this script before this fillmed interview. I go out in the hallway to rehearse it and he follows and decides to work on it with me. Another girl walks up and asks me if I will work on it with her because she has to do the interview too and she has no one to work with. This guy tells her no.....he wouldln't let me work with anybody but him. This is getting on my nerves. I turn around and walk toward the reception area and I suddenly fell flat on my face in the hallway. I felt something push me from behind, but he didn't touch me....I still felt like he pushed me. I was so embarassed. I got up off the floor and went back in and sat down and waited for my turn. I was sufficiently enturbulated that I did a lousy job of the interview. It didn't take him long to get me totally turned away from doing any work in the film industry. I never did finish the classes I'd paid for in voice over and I just gave up the whole idea altogether. I couldn't seem to stand up for myself against him and his wishes.
I was running low on money, so I decided I had to do something to make a living....I saw an ad for a job with a Scientology company. I went and interviewed for the job and when I got back home....he was really upset with me that I went to get a job. He wanted me to work with him, but he wasn't making any money. I couldn't handle what was coming at me from his upset so I didn't take the job. I was too confused and I felt weak, unable to defend myself.
Sometimes I felt like I was hung in mid air and I couldn't get my feet on the ground and I seemed to have no emotion....it was like I was there watching my life, but I couldn't seem to do anything with it....and things weren't making any sense in my life and I didn't know how to straighten them out. I was also still stuck in this Clear cycle....am I? Am I not? How am I ever going to pay back this money? How am I ever going to get the rest of my auditing and get up the Bridge?
When I threw out my mothers stuff, I didn't throw out her jewelry. I just couldn't throw her jewelry into the city dump. Shortly after this guy came to live with me, I had her jewelry laying on the table one evening...it wasn't a lot, but it was worth something and I was going to sell it. We weren't talking about the jewelry, but he and I got into an argument about something....we had the strangest arguments...they never made much sense and I always felt spinny when we would argue. This particular evening we were arguing when suddenly both of us turned and looked at the jewelry on the table. It was spooky.
We quit arguing. I suddenly had to get rid of my mother's jewelry. I didn't want to wait until I could sell it....I just wanted it out of the house..NOW. :nailbiting: He was going to take it and dump it in the trash. I said.."No..it has to go in the ocean. (My mother was cremated and her ashes were dumped in the ocean by the Neptune society.) If it's hers, it's going with her." We got in my car....he drove. We drove to Santa Monica and I got out of the car and threw her jewelry into the ocean. Whew. (I often wondered if any divers ever found any of it.) I felt really stupid doing this, but it seemed as if it was haunted and I didn't want to have any more to do with it. It was such a waste......but it was only MEST....but it was scary.
On the way back from the beach, just as we were passing Century City, this guy, driving my car, very suddenly and intantly makes a u turn in the middle of the street....we were in the center lane going east and suddenly we were in the left hand turn lane going west....
How did you do that? And why did you do that? He said that he was going to put this other guys ethics in. He chased the car in front of us around the corner and down the street and when that guy turned left he chased him around the corner. The other guy made a u turn to get away from us and my guy followed right behind him. I couldn't figure out how he could be putting somebody's ethics in while chasing him around the streets. 
I couldn't even figure out what the guy had done since he had been driving in the opposite direction of us in the first place. I never did find out what the guy did that set my guy off. This other guy got stopped at the light and we were right behind him. He got out of his car and came after us with a tire iron. My guy backed my car up read fast, but not fast enough and the other guy took a swipe at my car and put a nice dent in it which I wasn't too happy about and my guy never did fix it. He messed up my car. 
My guy backed away from him and took off to escape him and the other guy got back in his car and came after us. My guy pulls around a corner and into a parking garage area and I thought....oh great, now we're going to be cornered with this guy coming after us with his tire iron, but he didn't find us and after a minute we continued to drive home.
I was a bit shook up, but I must say I was quite impressed with the way he handled that car. I didn't know my car could do tricks like that. I thought he must be able to see things or know things that I sure couldn't perceive. I was left in mystery about the whole thing. He never did say what the guy did that made him chase him all over the place. I figured it must have had something to do with being OT III. It was kind of an exciting chase...
...scared me out of my wits at the time....kind of like being in a movie...only in real life. 
Ah, the life of a Scientologist. 
His car was such a mess and always breaking down so I said something one day about....Why don't you get rid of that heap of junk....so he did...he junked it and got a couple of dollars and we started using my car all the time. We were always together, but one day he went to do something on his own and I stayed home and I noticed that I felt better when he was gone and I again felt worse when he walked back into my space. Hmmm....I told him about this an I told him I did not want to have a 2D with him and I thought he should go get his own place and move out.
I pretty much told him daily that I didn't want to be with him, but he stuck to me like fly paper. He had me sit down and do the conditions...only he couldn't let me make up my own mind....whenever I said I didn't want to continue being with him he would tell me that I was making the wrong decision and that I had to make the decision to have a 2D with him. Eventually I would give up and give in.
I couldn't be friends with the couple next door anymore because he didn't like it that the guy next door was nice to me and had always been a bit affectionate with me -just friendly - not 2Dish at all - just a nice guy. He would get really riled about that.
He decided that the solution was to haul me into the Chaplain at AOLA, so I went and it turns out the Chaplain was on my side. Turns out he was still married to his last wife....neither one of them ever bothered to get a divorce. She was also a Scientologist. The Chaplain told him to move out of my space until he got a divorce. I thought, oh good, finally maybe I'll have my own space back and some peace.
But now, he decides he has to go to Las Vegas to get a quick divorce and he doesn't have a car anymore, so he's going to take my car to go to Las Vegas to get a divorce.
Yes. NO!!! Yes. NO. He had the keys and he was going to go and take my car. If he made off with my car and I called the police to get it back, I would be in trouble with the church because no one was allowed to call the police on another Scientologist without being declared an SP. I couldn't do anything about this because of the rules of Scientology. So, he took the car and I went with him.
When we got to Las Vegas, the car broke down and he had to fix it, which he did. Then he found a place to do the divorce papers for him and he had to establish residency, so he went to the Las Vegas Org and he found someone who was renting a room and rented it and that was his residence. We stayed there a night. That night I was pissed about him taking my car and me to Las Vegas. I debated just getting in the car and driving back to LA without him, but I was afraid of what he might do to me if I did that. I also didn't feel right about abandoning him in Las Vegas with no way to get back to LA.
We had begun traveling and selling laser pictures and toys on the road to make a living. While we were in Las Vegas we had to sell something to make money. One morning at breakfast I told him that I did not want to have a 2D with him. After breakfast we got in the car. We had to go sell or have no money to eat. He wouldn't go to work. He had to handle this 2D thing and get me to agree with him. We sat there for an hour arguing before I could get him to move and go to work. It was awful. We went back to LA after a couple of days.
On one trip, we drove by a place where my aunt and uncle had a vacation home on the beach about 3 hrs north of LA. My father's girlfriend also lived in that town. I don't know why I got the idea to stay at my aunt and uncle's house for the night....I wouldn't normally just invite myself to stay at someone elses house for the night, even if it was a relative, but for some reason this time, we stopped at the house and I knew where the key was and we spent the night there without permission from my aunt and uncle. The next morning my father surprised us by showing up....that was a bit embarassing. I felt bad about using their house without an okay from them, so I sent a gift to my aunt and thanked her for the use of the house, but I still felt bad about it. It wasn't my house and I shouldn't have been there without their okay.
Six weeks later, we went back to Las Vegas. I was still telling him that I didn't want to have a 2D with him when we were in Las Vegas. The night before he actually got his divorce, he had the ED of the Las Vegas Org do a Chaplain's cycle with us. I told her I didn't want to be with him. She gave up and left us in her office with him talking to me. He was pushing me really hard...it was like a Reg cycle.....it was a Reg cycle for me to marry him. I didn't want to and he wouldn't listen to me. He kept telling me that if I would just agree to have a 2D with him that everything would work out. He finally wore me down and the next morning we went to the courthouse and he got his divorce and then we got a marriage license and drove over to CC Las Vegas that evening after course and the ED there married us with a couple of staff members in attendance. Again, I totally went against myself. What did I do? I married this guy? Who's side was I on? :confused2: What was wrong with me?
One day, I don't recall why, we met with my father in a coffee shop in Burbank. My father was very civil to this guy. My father was an owner in a successful cosmetic business. All of a sudden this guy lays into my father verbally about how awful he is and how out ethics he is because he has a cosmetic business that helps women paint their faces...:confused2: I was shocked at his behavior...stunned.....embarassed and I felt sorry for my father. My father didn't say much....he just sat there and looked at the table. He didn't know what to do or say. After this guy reemed my father up one side and down the other and told him how evil he was, we got up and left. I felt so ashamed, embarassed and humiliated. I didn't understand why he acted that way. After we left, he told me that he (my guy) was Jesus Christ and my father was Pontius Pilot. Oh Lord have mercy. What this had to do with the cosmetic business, I have no idea. I couldn't make sense out of any of this stuff.
Shortly after we got back home after this little incident, he is sitting on the back of the couch in our living room and he says to me.....we have to cave your father in so that he will drop his body. That really scared me...how evil.....now I had to make sure that the two of them never were in the same space together. Yes, my father was considered the bad guy because he didn't like Scientology, but this was just too much. I would make sure that they were never together. Oh, the stress.
By this time I had told my father that I would no longer act as trustee of the family trust and he went and got the attorney who originally drew up the papers for the trust to take over as trustee. So, I'd done that part of the program from Flag, but I still owed all this money to my father.
I felt so horribly indebted to my parents for all that they had given me over the years and I had nothing to give them in return. My mother was now gone and I still owed my father tons of money. I sat down and figured up all that he had given me over the years and I owed him immense amounts of money.....immense to me. How was I ever going to solve this financial debt?
I looked at everything around me.....most everything I owned was from money that my parents had given to me....even the money that I had received from being trustee and taking care of that stuff was from their finances. I felt bad about all of it. I didn't really want to take money from my parents for helping them out....I just wanted to help them out because they had given me so much over my lifetime. I just couldn't figure out how to do that and live too because I didn't have a way to make enough money to live and do the Bridge and pay my bills.....or even just enough money to live and pay my bills even without the Bridge. I was in such a turmoil about this.
I looked at everything I owned, or didn't own. I had this idea that my father was the bad guy the SP. And this guy that I was now married to was harping on that even more. I got this idea that if I got rid of everything that I had acquired that had any source of money coming from my father that maybe that might help. Also this guy that I was married to was telling me things like....the only reason I wanted to act was because of my father...which was confusing me even more. And the idea that my father was trying to control me with his money...maybe he was...:confused2: , but not nearly as much as this creep that I married was trying to control me.
This guy that I was married to helped me to write a letter to my father, lambasting him for trying to control me with his money, etc. We then took everything that I had acquired while staying with my father after my mother died and piled it in the car and drove out to my father's house. We had several fights on the way there. It was horrible....it was like trying to live backwards....it felt god awful. I didn't feel right throwing all this stuff in my father's face with a nasty letter, but this husband was helping me and pushing me to do this. In my thoughts I was going yes, let's do this...I have to do this....no, I don't want to do this....yes you have to do this. I was scared to face my father with all this stuff and the letter. When we got to the house, no one was there. The house was locked up tight and it looked like my father was out of town. The key to the house was no longer where it was always kept and I couldn't get into the house to leave the stuff inside the house or in the garage. Everything was locked. So, we left everything in the front patio - his paintings, comforter, pillows, appliances, etc....all out in the open for anyone to take, but worse...open to the weather and the rain, if it rained. Boy, did I feel bad about this. I left the awful letter along with all the stuff and we drove back to the apartment.
Now, all I had left was my Scientology books and my e-meter and my clothes.....and the car. I couldn't give the car back because then we couldn't make a living selling on the road.
Now he started picking on my clothes. I had pretty clothes, some sort of sexy....well, he didn't like me dressing like that and of course, a lot of my clothes came from the money my father gave me....so.....out went the clothes. There was a table at the Shangri Lodge where people put things that they wanted to give away. I took all of my clothes and put them on the table to give away. I had some beautiful clothes....some of which I had made, but the money that bought the material was from my father, so they had to go. I also had this idea from Scientology that it wasn't okay to have anything that one didn't earn, so I felt guilty about a lot of what my parents had given to me over the years because I didn't work for it. The other part was it wasn't okay to receive anything from an SP and my father was considered an SP, so it wasn't okay for me to have anything from him. It seemed to me that everything I had really belonged to my parents, even if they gave it to me because they were the ones that earned the money, not me, so it was their stuff even if they gave it to me and I spent it, it still wasn't mine, so I had to somehow give it all back. I felt tortured.
This guy then drove me to K Mart and bought me 3 pair of pants and 3 tops and 3 sets of underwear and a coat. That was now my wardrobe. Boy, had I come down in life.
One time when I told him I didn't want to have a 2D with him he got really angry and picked up a green vol and threw it and put a hole in the door of the apartment. He never did repair the hole. He just left it there. I was scared of him after I saw how violent he could get, but I couldn't get rid of him....he just stuck to me like fly paper. What was this horrible phenomenon going on in my life? I couldn't understand why this guy kept wanting to be with me when I didn't want him. It was bizaar.
I also remember that I was afraid to sleep with him....I was afraid that he might talk in his sleep and reveal the secrets of OT III and I might hear him and get sick and die because the OTIII promo kept saying that if anyone read this data or heard it before they did that level that they would get sick and die....I thought it was deadly. How awful that LRH set people up with this kind of false information. I was really terrified of the idea of learning anything about OT III. I was terrified of sleeping with any guy that was OT III because of this. I also felt like anyone who had done OT III had a weapon they could turn against me at any time if they wanted to. I was really scared of this. I supressed the fear, but it was always in the back of my mind and I'm sure would affect my relationship with any man who was OTIII. I'm sure LRH knew it wouldn't kill anyone. Damn him anyway.
He had a thing going on with his body. Sometimes when I told him I didn't want to have a 2D with him, his back would spazm on him....it would be so bad that he would grab onto something as his knees would buckle under him. When it would happen it would scare me half to death....I couldn't understand what was going on with him....I never met anyone who reacted this way. I would feel horrible and guilty and I thought I was supressing him so I would back off and agree with him to turn it off so that he could recover. It was a living nightmare and the two of us together was a god awful mess.
One morning we were sitting in the living room and he ordered me to go fix his breakfast. Go fix your own breakfast, says I. He got mad. I ended up in the kitchen fixing his breakfast, but I almost threw the frying pan at him, breakfast and all.
One thing I did before I ran out of money was...there was a course on False Data Stripping at that time and I paid for it at ASHO for both of us. I thought maybe that would help. Then he refused to do the course.
Being around him really discouraged me from ever wanting to do the OT Levels. I didn't want to end up being like him.
Life with this OT was no fun.
Okay, so now I'm living at the Shangri Lodge across from the Manor Hotel which eventually became CCLA or CCInt.
It was right next to the Hollywood Fwy and my apartment was closest to the freeway so I could never open my windows or else I just got the exhaust from all the cars and trucks on the freeway. I either had to turn on the A/C or open the front door which opened into the hallway to get any air. My bedroom was only a few feet from the freeway and I would worry about a car or truck going awry and landing in my bedroom. It was most uncomfortable living there. Most of the people living in the building were Scientologists who were struggling financially.
Now, I had to figure out how I was going to earn the money to pay back the money to my father since I was supposed to give up being trustee and handling those business affairs. I was now $30,000 in debt to him and horribly upset with my experience with Flag. When I was younger, I did some acting and TV commercials and extra work for a few years so I decided that would be a way that I might earn that kind of money and pay him back. I decided to go take some voice over classes for commercials and went and got an agent and was working in that direction.
At this time there was a Scientologist, an OT named Richard ??? who was giving some kind of business seminars and since I hadn't given up my position as trustee yet, I went and took his seminar. Artie Marin (spelling?) was there and was helping out with the seminar. I asked him a question regarding the area of TV commercials and his answer to me was...."Your integrity is out." Huh?
I couldn't make any sense out of what he said and he never did answer my question and acted like he didn't have time to talk to me any further, so I just let it drop. At this seminar the speaker talked about getting rid of negatives in one's thinking and mentioned something about writing up - reasons why not. I went home and tried to apply this. I also made an appointment with this guy Richard for me and my father to meet with him.....I thought maybe I could get my father to look at the business angle of Scientology and handle him that way. My father and I went to meet with him. His father had a chain of drug stores and he worked with his father and had an income from there, if I remember correct. My father didn't care to pursue Scientology from that angle either. I was a bit bothered because this guy was in the drug store business and weren't drugs a no no for Scientologists? I realize drug stores sell a lot of other things, but their main business is the pharmacy and the pharmacy would be filling people's prescriptions for psych drugs as well as other medications. This didn't make sense to me that the church would allow him to be doing OT Levels while connected to this.
Shortly after I moved into the Shangri Lodge, I walked out into the hallway one day and there was a notice posted on the board about a seminar on how to get 50 mpg on one's gasoline. I was interested so I called the number and said I wanted to attend. The guy running the seminar showed up a while later to collect my money for the seminar. He was OT III. I was impressed with that. I was impressed with anybody who had done OT Levels and I thought they knew more than me and were wiser and more able than I was. I always felt less around people who had done OT Levels. I placed them above me and looked up to them.
We talked for a while. I was alone and he was single. I was planning on making spaghetti for the following night for dinner, so I invited him to come back and have dinner with me. He accepted and left. I went to bed.
The next day I couldn't seem to get anything done. I couldn't cook the spaghetti dinner I had planned, I couldn't clean up the apartment, I couldn't take a shower and get dressed, I was caved in and laying on the couch - I felt awful - I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me or why I felt this way. I looked at who or what had come into my life since yesterday when I was doing okay. The only person I could see that was new in my life was this guy. I couldn't see how it could possibly have anything to do with him because he was a Scientologist and OT III and couldn't possibly be supressive. I just couldn't get up and make dinner or do anything else, so I called him and uninvited him to dinner.
I explained that I wasn't feeling well and couldn't make dinner. I felt bad for backing out on the invitation. He wouldn't accept this. He insisted on coming over and taking me out to eat. I didn't want to go but he invalidated my wishes and talked me into it. I managed to drag my body off the couch and take a shower and get dressed before he arrived. I still didn't want to go. He insisted so we went to a restaurant and had dinner. Here I was going against myself again. I paid for my own dinner because I didn't want to feel obligated to him. I still felt really wierd. He took me home and then went his way.
Then I went to his seminar, which was very interesting. After the seminar, he came over to me and sat down and asked me to go to dinner with him. I couldn't say no. He looked very anxious and I suddenly felt kind of sorry for him. I said okay. Here I was going against myself again. We went to dinner and at dinner he expressed an interest in having a 2D with me. I said no. He looked very upset. I felt sorry for him again. I felt like I'd hurt his feelings and I didn't want to do that. I just had no interest in a having that kind of relationship with him. I told him I just wanted to be friends.
I thought this was settled so on another evening I fixed dinner for the two of us and over dinner we were talking and I mentioned something about being exterior - away from my body - I thought since he was OT III it would be okay to talk about that, but it wasn't. He didn't say anything, but he got visibly disturbed by what I had said and I never brought it up again. I couldn't understand how he could be OT III and be upset by that. That really baffled me.
One day, I had to go to my father's house for something. It was a drive, so I asked him the previous evening if he wanted to ride out with me. He said okay. The next morning, he didn't show up. I called him and there was no answer. He stood me up.
So, I went by myself, but I was pissed at him. When I got back, he eventually showed up and told me that he had fallen asleep and the phone had been unplugged so that he didn't hear it when I called. I didn't know whether to believe him or not. I was still miffed.One night he took me to dinner. We went in my car because his car was a junk heap. He played the guitar and had written and recorded a song and after dinner we rode around playing his song over and over again. I drove while he played the tape. I can remember racing around the Hollywood Hills in a rather dangerous manner and thinking....why am I doing this? This is not like me.....but I did it anyway. It was rather reckless and totally unlike me.
Another evening he was at my apartment and he wanted to go dancing. I didn't want to go dancing with him. He kept after me until I finally went and changed my clothes and we went out....again I went against myself and went with him. We went in my car again because his was a junk heap. We never found anywhere in Hollywood to dance, but we stopped somewhere and he had a drink and then went back to my apartment. I think it was that night that he managed to get closer to me. I remember sitting on his lap and I looked at him and he looked at me and he gave a little laugh and what I percived was evil.....but it couldn't be.....he's OT III......I invalidated my own perception.......because of what I believed about OTs in Scientology. I went along with him against my own knowingness.
Then one day he walked in and said that his roommate was an SP.
Ignorant me said..."Oh that's awful...you need to get out of there....you can stay here for a bit." So, he moved his stuff into my apartment. (I then met his roommate...he was a Scientologist, on course....I don't think he was an SP.)One evening shortly after he moved in with me, I was at the kitchen sink doing something and I did something that made me yelp...poked my finger with something??? He was standing over by the frig. When I yelped he instantaneously moved from where he was standing to where I was standing. Hmmm....how did he do that? OTness?
I think because of my father being this SP and being stuck in the middle of this CCRD stuff and having to turn against myself to carry out this program from Flag, I was feeling very unsafe and I thought that I might be safer having someone around me that had done OT III - for some kind of protection.
Then he wanted me to work with him promoting and doing his seminars on the 50 mpg gas stuff. That was okay. But, I still wanted to do the commercials and make the money to pay my father back the money I owed him. One day I get a call for an interview for a commercial. I'm getting ready to go and he decides he's going to go with me. NO....YES.....NO...he went with me. I didn't want him there. I wanted to go alone. He goes into the reception area with me. I sign in and get the script to work on before the interview. I sit down next to him and he looks around and says...."Boy, OTIII would sure help with this profession."
Oh, great. I really needed that in the middle of what I was trying to do. I didn't know what he was talking about. MU's???? :confused2: So, I have to work on this script before this fillmed interview. I go out in the hallway to rehearse it and he follows and decides to work on it with me. Another girl walks up and asks me if I will work on it with her because she has to do the interview too and she has no one to work with. This guy tells her no.....he wouldln't let me work with anybody but him. This is getting on my nerves. I turn around and walk toward the reception area and I suddenly fell flat on my face in the hallway. I felt something push me from behind, but he didn't touch me....I still felt like he pushed me. I was so embarassed. I got up off the floor and went back in and sat down and waited for my turn. I was sufficiently enturbulated that I did a lousy job of the interview. It didn't take him long to get me totally turned away from doing any work in the film industry. I never did finish the classes I'd paid for in voice over and I just gave up the whole idea altogether. I couldn't seem to stand up for myself against him and his wishes.I was running low on money, so I decided I had to do something to make a living....I saw an ad for a job with a Scientology company. I went and interviewed for the job and when I got back home....he was really upset with me that I went to get a job. He wanted me to work with him, but he wasn't making any money. I couldn't handle what was coming at me from his upset so I didn't take the job. I was too confused and I felt weak, unable to defend myself.
Sometimes I felt like I was hung in mid air and I couldn't get my feet on the ground and I seemed to have no emotion....it was like I was there watching my life, but I couldn't seem to do anything with it....and things weren't making any sense in my life and I didn't know how to straighten them out. I was also still stuck in this Clear cycle....am I? Am I not? How am I ever going to pay back this money? How am I ever going to get the rest of my auditing and get up the Bridge?
When I threw out my mothers stuff, I didn't throw out her jewelry. I just couldn't throw her jewelry into the city dump. Shortly after this guy came to live with me, I had her jewelry laying on the table one evening...it wasn't a lot, but it was worth something and I was going to sell it. We weren't talking about the jewelry, but he and I got into an argument about something....we had the strangest arguments...they never made much sense and I always felt spinny when we would argue. This particular evening we were arguing when suddenly both of us turned and looked at the jewelry on the table. It was spooky.
We quit arguing. I suddenly had to get rid of my mother's jewelry. I didn't want to wait until I could sell it....I just wanted it out of the house..NOW. :nailbiting: He was going to take it and dump it in the trash. I said.."No..it has to go in the ocean. (My mother was cremated and her ashes were dumped in the ocean by the Neptune society.) If it's hers, it's going with her." We got in my car....he drove. We drove to Santa Monica and I got out of the car and threw her jewelry into the ocean. Whew. (I often wondered if any divers ever found any of it.) I felt really stupid doing this, but it seemed as if it was haunted and I didn't want to have any more to do with it. It was such a waste......but it was only MEST....but it was scary.On the way back from the beach, just as we were passing Century City, this guy, driving my car, very suddenly and intantly makes a u turn in the middle of the street....we were in the center lane going east and suddenly we were in the left hand turn lane going west....
How did you do that? And why did you do that? He said that he was going to put this other guys ethics in. He chased the car in front of us around the corner and down the street and when that guy turned left he chased him around the corner. The other guy made a u turn to get away from us and my guy followed right behind him. I couldn't figure out how he could be putting somebody's ethics in while chasing him around the streets. I couldn't even figure out what the guy had done since he had been driving in the opposite direction of us in the first place. I never did find out what the guy did that set my guy off. This other guy got stopped at the light and we were right behind him. He got out of his car and came after us with a tire iron. My guy backed my car up read fast, but not fast enough and the other guy took a swipe at my car and put a nice dent in it which I wasn't too happy about and my guy never did fix it. He messed up my car. My guy backed away from him and took off to escape him and the other guy got back in his car and came after us. My guy pulls around a corner and into a parking garage area and I thought....oh great, now we're going to be cornered with this guy coming after us with his tire iron, but he didn't find us and after a minute we continued to drive home. I was a bit shook up, but I must say I was quite impressed with the way he handled that car. I didn't know my car could do tricks like that. I thought he must be able to see things or know things that I sure couldn't perceive. I was left in mystery about the whole thing. He never did say what the guy did that made him chase him all over the place. I figured it must have had something to do with being OT III. It was kind of an exciting chase...
...scared me out of my wits at the time....kind of like being in a movie...only in real life. Ah, the life of a Scientologist. His car was such a mess and always breaking down so I said something one day about....Why don't you get rid of that heap of junk....so he did...he junked it and got a couple of dollars and we started using my car all the time. We were always together, but one day he went to do something on his own and I stayed home and I noticed that I felt better when he was gone and I again felt worse when he walked back into my space. Hmmm....I told him about this an I told him I did not want to have a 2D with him and I thought he should go get his own place and move out.
I pretty much told him daily that I didn't want to be with him, but he stuck to me like fly paper. He had me sit down and do the conditions...only he couldn't let me make up my own mind....whenever I said I didn't want to continue being with him he would tell me that I was making the wrong decision and that I had to make the decision to have a 2D with him.
Eventually I would give up and give in. I couldn't be friends with the couple next door anymore because he didn't like it that the guy next door was nice to me and had always been a bit affectionate with me -just friendly - not 2Dish at all - just a nice guy. He would get really riled about that.
He decided that the solution was to haul me into the Chaplain at AOLA, so I went and it turns out the Chaplain was on my side. Turns out he was still married to his last wife....neither one of them ever bothered to get a divorce. She was also a Scientologist. The Chaplain told him to move out of my space until he got a divorce. I thought, oh good, finally maybe I'll have my own space back and some peace.
But now, he decides he has to go to Las Vegas to get a quick divorce and he doesn't have a car anymore, so he's going to take my car to go to Las Vegas to get a divorce.
Yes. NO!!! Yes. NO. He had the keys and he was going to go and take my car. If he made off with my car and I called the police to get it back, I would be in trouble with the church because no one was allowed to call the police on another Scientologist without being declared an SP. I couldn't do anything about this because of the rules of Scientology. So, he took the car and I went with him. When we got to Las Vegas, the car broke down and he had to fix it, which he did. Then he found a place to do the divorce papers for him and he had to establish residency, so he went to the Las Vegas Org and he found someone who was renting a room and rented it and that was his residence. We stayed there a night. That night I was pissed about him taking my car and me to Las Vegas. I debated just getting in the car and driving back to LA without him, but I was afraid of what he might do to me if I did that. I also didn't feel right about abandoning him in Las Vegas with no way to get back to LA.
We had begun traveling and selling laser pictures and toys on the road to make a living. While we were in Las Vegas we had to sell something to make money. One morning at breakfast I told him that I did not want to have a 2D with him. After breakfast we got in the car. We had to go sell or have no money to eat. He wouldn't go to work. He had to handle this 2D thing and get me to agree with him. We sat there for an hour arguing before I could get him to move and go to work. It was awful. We went back to LA after a couple of days.
On one trip, we drove by a place where my aunt and uncle had a vacation home on the beach about 3 hrs north of LA. My father's girlfriend also lived in that town. I don't know why I got the idea to stay at my aunt and uncle's house for the night....I wouldn't normally just invite myself to stay at someone elses house for the night, even if it was a relative, but for some reason this time, we stopped at the house and I knew where the key was and we spent the night there without permission from my aunt and uncle. The next morning my father surprised us by showing up....that was a bit embarassing. I felt bad about using their house without an okay from them, so I sent a gift to my aunt and thanked her for the use of the house, but I still felt bad about it. It wasn't my house and I shouldn't have been there without their okay.
Six weeks later, we went back to Las Vegas. I was still telling him that I didn't want to have a 2D with him when we were in Las Vegas. The night before he actually got his divorce, he had the ED of the Las Vegas Org do a Chaplain's cycle with us. I told her I didn't want to be with him. She gave up and left us in her office with him talking to me. He was pushing me really hard...it was like a Reg cycle.....it was a Reg cycle for me to marry him. I didn't want to and he wouldn't listen to me. He kept telling me that if I would just agree to have a 2D with him that everything would work out. He finally wore me down and the next morning we went to the courthouse and he got his divorce and then we got a marriage license and drove over to CC Las Vegas that evening after course and the ED there married us with a couple of staff members in attendance. Again, I totally went against myself.
What did I do? I married this guy? Who's side was I on? :confused2: What was wrong with me?One day, I don't recall why, we met with my father in a coffee shop in Burbank. My father was very civil to this guy. My father was an owner in a successful cosmetic business. All of a sudden this guy lays into my father verbally about how awful he is and how out ethics he is because he has a cosmetic business that helps women paint their faces...:confused2:
I was shocked at his behavior...stunned.....embarassed and I felt sorry for my father. My father didn't say much....he just sat there and looked at the table. He didn't know what to do or say. After this guy reemed my father up one side and down the other and told him how evil he was, we got up and left. I felt so ashamed, embarassed and humiliated. I didn't understand why he acted that way. After we left, he told me that he (my guy) was Jesus Christ and my father was Pontius Pilot. Oh Lord have mercy. What this had to do with the cosmetic business, I have no idea. I couldn't make sense out of any of this stuff.Shortly after we got back home after this little incident, he is sitting on the back of the couch in our living room and he says to me.....we have to cave your father in so that he will drop his body.
That really scared me...how evil.....now I had to make sure that the two of them never were in the same space together. Yes, my father was considered the bad guy because he didn't like Scientology, but this was just too much. I would make sure that they were never together. Oh, the stress.By this time I had told my father that I would no longer act as trustee of the family trust and he went and got the attorney who originally drew up the papers for the trust to take over as trustee. So, I'd done that part of the program from Flag, but I still owed all this money to my father.
I felt so horribly indebted to my parents for all that they had given me over the years and I had nothing to give them in return. My mother was now gone and I still owed my father tons of money. I sat down and figured up all that he had given me over the years and I owed him immense amounts of money.....immense to me. How was I ever going to solve this financial debt?
I looked at everything around me.....most everything I owned was from money that my parents had given to me....even the money that I had received from being trustee and taking care of that stuff was from their finances. I felt bad about all of it. I didn't really want to take money from my parents for helping them out....I just wanted to help them out because they had given me so much over my lifetime. I just couldn't figure out how to do that and live too because I didn't have a way to make enough money to live and do the Bridge and pay my bills.....or even just enough money to live and pay my bills even without the Bridge. I was in such a turmoil about this.
I looked at everything I owned, or didn't own. I had this idea that my father was the bad guy the SP. And this guy that I was now married to was harping on that even more. I got this idea that if I got rid of everything that I had acquired that had any source of money coming from my father that maybe that might help. Also this guy that I was married to was telling me things like....the only reason I wanted to act was because of my father...which was confusing me even more. And the idea that my father was trying to control me with his money...maybe he was...:confused2: , but not nearly as much as this creep that I married was trying to control me.
This guy that I was married to helped me to write a letter to my father, lambasting him for trying to control me with his money, etc. We then took everything that I had acquired while staying with my father after my mother died and piled it in the car and drove out to my father's house. We had several fights on the way there. It was horrible....it was like trying to live backwards....it felt god awful. I didn't feel right throwing all this stuff in my father's face with a nasty letter, but this husband was helping me and pushing me to do this. In my thoughts I was going yes, let's do this...I have to do this....no, I don't want to do this....yes you have to do this.
I was scared to face my father with all this stuff and the letter. When we got to the house, no one was there. The house was locked up tight and it looked like my father was out of town. The key to the house was no longer where it was always kept and I couldn't get into the house to leave the stuff inside the house or in the garage. Everything was locked. So, we left everything in the front patio - his paintings, comforter, pillows, appliances, etc....all out in the open for anyone to take, but worse...open to the weather and the rain, if it rained. Boy, did I feel bad about this. I left the awful letter along with all the stuff and we drove back to the apartment. Now, all I had left was my Scientology books and my e-meter and my clothes.....and the car. I couldn't give the car back because then we couldn't make a living selling on the road.
Now he started picking on my clothes. I had pretty clothes, some sort of sexy....well, he didn't like me dressing like that and of course, a lot of my clothes came from the money my father gave me....so.....out went the clothes. There was a table at the Shangri Lodge where people put things that they wanted to give away. I took all of my clothes and put them on the table to give away. I had some beautiful clothes....some of which I had made, but the money that bought the material was from my father, so they had to go. I also had this idea from Scientology that it wasn't okay to have anything that one didn't earn, so I felt guilty about a lot of what my parents had given to me over the years because I didn't work for it. The other part was it wasn't okay to receive anything from an SP and my father was considered an SP, so it wasn't okay for me to have anything from him. It seemed to me that everything I had really belonged to my parents, even if they gave it to me because they were the ones that earned the money, not me, so it was their stuff even if they gave it to me and I spent it, it still wasn't mine, so I had to somehow give it all back. I felt tortured.
This guy then drove me to K Mart and bought me 3 pair of pants and 3 tops and 3 sets of underwear and a coat. That was now my wardrobe. Boy, had I come down in life.
One time when I told him I didn't want to have a 2D with him he got really angry and picked up a green vol and threw it and put a hole in the door of the apartment. He never did repair the hole. He just left it there. I was scared of him after I saw how violent he could get, but I couldn't get rid of him....he just stuck to me like fly paper. What was this horrible phenomenon going on in my life? I couldn't understand why this guy kept wanting to be with me when I didn't want him. It was bizaar.
I also remember that I was afraid to sleep with him....I was afraid that he might talk in his sleep and reveal the secrets of OT III and I might hear him and get sick and die because the OTIII promo kept saying that if anyone read this data or heard it before they did that level that they would get sick and die....I thought it was deadly. How awful that LRH set people up with this kind of false information. I was really terrified of the idea of learning anything about OT III. I was terrified of sleeping with any guy that was OT III because of this. I also felt like anyone who had done OT III had a weapon they could turn against me at any time if they wanted to. I was really scared of this. I supressed the fear, but it was always in the back of my mind and I'm sure would affect my relationship with any man who was OTIII. I'm sure LRH knew it wouldn't kill anyone. Damn him anyway.
He had a thing going on with his body. Sometimes when I told him I didn't want to have a 2D with him, his back would spazm on him....it would be so bad that he would grab onto something as his knees would buckle under him. When it would happen it would scare me half to death....I couldn't understand what was going on with him....I never met anyone who reacted this way. I would feel horrible and guilty and I thought I was supressing him so I would back off and agree with him to turn it off so that he could recover. It was a living nightmare and the two of us together was a god awful mess.
One morning we were sitting in the living room and he ordered me to go fix his breakfast. Go fix your own breakfast, says I. He got mad. I ended up in the kitchen fixing his breakfast, but I almost threw the frying pan at him, breakfast and all.
One thing I did before I ran out of money was...there was a course on False Data Stripping at that time and I paid for it at ASHO for both of us. I thought maybe that would help. Then he refused to do the course.
Being around him really discouraged me from ever wanting to do the OT Levels. I didn't want to end up being like him.
Life with this OT was no fun.
Wisened One
Crusader
Ugh...Fo Ti! Hope you give us the next installment sooon! 
HG: I eat the Microwave popcorn, but don't like it! I don't know if it's the brand, flavor or the microwave, but I always taste a strange aftertaste from it...Maybe I should look into one of those air poppers, too..
HG: I eat the Microwave popcorn, but don't like it! I don't know if it's the brand, flavor or the microwave, but I always taste a strange aftertaste from it...Maybe I should look into one of those air poppers, too..
Megalomaniac
Silver Meritorious Patron
Ugh...Fo Ti! Hope you give us the next installment sooon!
I keep waiting for the hero to bounce back, beat the bad guy, and wave to the cheering crowd. :nailbiting:
Or is it the axle grease that gels all the kernels together in the bag during those months/years of warehouse life?
You need an air popper. There's an ESMB Policy Letter on that. (I'm lying)
FoTi
Crusader
Continuation
My apartment at the Shangri Lodge was right next to the sauna. Some people who lived in the building did their Purif there. I remember one guy who was running out heroine and he came and sat on my living room floor to cool down. He was on a heroine high - running it out. I hadn't done the Purif yet, so I found that interesting.
Another time, shortly after I moved in to the Shangri Lodge, I went to bed one night - I was alone and all of a sudden a very soft, male voice said "hello...(my name)". I sat bolt upright in bed...."Who's there?" Silence. There was no one there and no one answered. I'd heard about people who heard voices, but that had never happened to me and has never happened since then. I still don't know what that was about. I did mention it to someone else who lived at the Shangri Lodge and they told me that there had been a guy who lived in that apartment who had killed himself. I don't know if that was true or if that was his ghost or what. It sure spooked me.
Anyway, back to this guy I was married to. We traveled around the country with 4 stacks of laser pictures piled 2 ft high on the top of my little Honda Civic. When we had sold all the pictures, we got another bunch sent to us wherever we were and we would continue on. When we first started doing this, I thought we were both doing the selling, but after one sale, when we went back to the car, I got scolded for trying to sell and told that he would do the selling and I was just supposed to stand there and look pretty and keep my mouth shut.
After one of our tours around the country, when we came back to LA, he got the idea to get a van so that we could carry more merchandise with us. In the hunt for a van, he found a greyhound bus which had been converted into a housecar, which is like a motorhome. My car plus some cash we had from selling pictures got traded for this bus/housecar. I no longer had anything to drive. The bus was older and didn't have power steering or power brakes and I didn't have the strength to drive it, so he did the driving. He loved it. He drove it like it was a car instead of a bus and I was in fear most of the time because of the way he drove and he also refused to get any insurance on it, which was against the law. I was freaked out about that.
The bus had a seating/dining area, a kitchen, bathroom and bedroom. The bathroom was not finished....it had a sink and toilet, but the shower was not hooked up and there was no hot water heater so when I did dishes I boiled water on the stove to wash the dishes. We went to a place like Toys R Us and got a little plastic blow up kiddie pool and put it in the bathroom when we wanted to bathe. I heated water on the stove and we used a 2 gal watering can and one of us would hold it over the other one to wash off the soap and then we would trade off. I never knew one could take a shower with 2 gal of water. It worked pretty well.
There was no heat in the bus unless we pulled into a truck stop and hooked up to electricity, which we rarely did. When we were in Arizona and Colorado in the winter, we mostly froze. We didn't use the kiddie pool when it was cold. We would stop at a motel 2 or 3 times a week to take a shower and sleep in a warm bed. I remember when we first went into cold country with the bus...it was about 20F one evening and this guy didn't own a coat. I got really worried about him. He said he didn't need one. :confused2: I fussed at him until he bought one. I couldn't understand this person. He didn't prepare for anything. That frightened me.
We were in New Mexico when the clutch went out on the bus. We just happened to be in the parking lot of Sears. We tried to order a clutch for this bus, but it would take a couple of weeks to get one, so he took the bell housing apart on this bus....an amazing feat in my estimating...I watched him do it. After he got it apart, he took the clutch plate out and we sat in the bus and filed on this thing until we got it fixed and then he put it all back together alone and it worked. Sometimes the things that he did just blew me away. He had amazing intention and strength when he wanted to get something done. I attributed that to his being OT III. While all this was going on and we were stuck there, I just wanted to call my father and go home....I didn't want this kind of life....but I couldn't do that because my father was this SP and I couldn't go back there. I hated my life for the mostpart. I did like traveling and seeing new people and places. We met some interesting people and ate in some really good restaurants - that was fun. One restaurant in the mountains of Colorado had the most wonderful french dip I ever ate.
In one small town in Colorado, we met the Mayor - he owned a restaurant where we stopped to eat and sell pictures. He told us the story about an underground bunker in the area where the powers that be on this planet had a hideout in case of a nuclear war. The place was complete with living quarters and food and school, etc where people could hole up for a long time if need be....the right people, of course. This mayor was trying to get in with these people to find out what was going on. When we later spoke with him, he quit because his nephew met with a skiiing accident. He wouldn't say any more about any of it.
When we were stuck in the parking lot at Sears, we met another person who lived in a converted school bus. He had a little coal burning stove in his bus to keep warm. It was quite cozy. He invited us to dinner one evening and introduced us to spaghetti squash. This was one of the more pleasant experiences.
One of the reasons we were in Colorado was because my husband owed a gal money that he had borrowed to do his OT Levels years before and had never paid her back. She was getting on his case about it, so we went there so that he could make some arrangements to pay her back. We met with her and he made arrangements to pay her so much a month until she was paid off. He kept saying she was an SP. I later learned that he called everyone he owed money to an SP. Also, if he tried to sell pictures to someone and they wouldn't buy from him, he called them an SP as well. I got really tired of hearing him call people SPs because they didn't agree with him.
We also stopped to visit with his mom in Colorado. We were only there for about an hour. In that time he managed to tear her apart for being married to his stepfather who I assume he hated. He had quite a temper tantrum and then burst into tears. I felt so embarassed and his mother sat there with her mouth open in shock and finally told him she felt sorry for him. This was OT III? This was awful.
Wherever we went and there was an org in the area, we always stopped there to visit and he would promote himself as an FSM. He tried to sell Dianetics books along the way on the road whenever he got a chance, but didn't sell very many. He was always trying to disseminate Scientology. He wanted to get a better bus and just travel around and do that. He said that he had built a dissem team at one point in the past but had been squashed and was still upset about it. I think that was the only thing in his life that he ever felt good about and it got ruined. He wanted to be a big time FSM.
One evening we parked in a parking lot of a shopping area. We were disagreeing about something and I was so charged up I felt like I was going to fly apart...I got up and got off the bus and went to go for a walk. He chased me off the bus and stopped me. He grabbed me and started to get physical with me. I told him.."I don't care if you are OT III....get your hands off me.." He got mad and told me I was invalidating an OT. I was scared of him and he was stronger than me. Then all of a sudden someone in a car came driving towards us. The minute he saw that someone had noticed what was going on and was coming toward us, he let go of me and ran and got in the bus and left me standing there. The people in the car asked me if I needed some help or if they could take me somewhere. I felt so embarassed because we were Scientologists and causing a scene. I wanted to go to the nearest airport and call my father and ask him if he would help me to fly home, but I couldn't do that. I was afraid to get in a car with strangers also. I just told them no....everything was okay and they drove off. I hated being caught in this mess.
On one of our trips, I had the worst toothache in my whole life. I thought I was going to die of the pain. We found a dentist in Colorado who gave me a perscription of antibiotics and when we got back to LA, he took me to a dentist who was a Scientologist. In the middle of working on my teeth, he got a phone call from his mother who was opposed to his being in Scientology and was giving him a bad time about it...he was PTS to her.
One time in Colorado, my husband decides he's going to turn the bus around by backing onto a dirt road....only problem was the road was muddy and the bus lost traction when he tried to drive it forward again to get back on the hwy. As he tried to get the bus to go forward the back wheels were slipping sideways and we were next to a ravine. The bus began to slip off the edge and the back end of the bus was going over the edge. I ran to the front and jumped out the door thinking the whole thing was going over. It didn't, but it sure looked dangerous hanging there at an odd angle with the right front end off the ground. He got out and we walked to the nearby town to find a tow truck. Turned out they were all busy, so we started to walk back to the bus when my husband told me to go stand on the road and thumb a ride from this truck coming toward us. I did and the guy stopped for a female....then my husband comes running out and asks the guy if he will give us a ride back to the bus and then talks him into helping us out. He ties a nylon rope to the bumper of this guys truck and the other end to the front bumper on the bus. He gets back in the bus and the guy in the truck tried to back up while my husband tried to drive forward. I'm standing near the truck and watching this. The truck was in motion bouncing toward the ravine and the bus wasn't moving. I was terrified that the truck was going into the ravine and I screamed because I don't think the guy driving the truck saw where he was headed. It seemed like everything was in motion and all of a sudden the bus lurched forward and back on the road just as the truck stopped when I screamed.... My husband gave him one of our laser pictures for all his effort. I couldn't believe he was so cheap. My nerves were really on edge.
Another time we had to drive over a mountain pass in Colorado. Half way up the hill, the bus stopped and there we were stuck on a mountain road with one lane up and one lane down with logging trucks going up and down the mountain, no shoulder to pull off on and it was dark. :nailbiting: I got out with a flashlight and luckily a guy was driving up the hill with a brand new large pickup. He pulled in front of the bus and my husband tied the nylon rope to the front of the bus and the other end to the back of that guys truck. Just as one logging truck was coming down the hill toward us and another was coming up behind us, the guy in the truck got us moving up the hill. Another close shave. I was a nervous wreck. Turned out the air filter was clogged
Another time we were going down a very steep mountain road and the brakes started to heat up and didn't seem to be working too well..... I fretted all the way down the hill...if the brakes had gone out there...it would have been a horrible accident.
When we got back to LA this time, I refused to go traveling on the road again.
I kept thinking that the reason I was having so much trouble in my life was because I was still connected somehow with my family. I had already resigned as trustee for the family trust and resigned as far as taking care of my aunt's estate. All that was left was my inheritance, so I called my father and told him I didn't want it...I didn't want his money or anything else from him. Reject...reject...trying to solve my problem of why my life was so messed up.
We continued to sell in the LA area and I continued to tell him I didn't want to be with him. One night when we were out selling he tried to run creative processing on me....god that was awful...he was a Class IV and I guess he thought he could control me and make me do what he wanted that way.
It began to bother me because we were selling in LA and we didn't have any license to do so and I was afraid of getting caught. I didn't want to get in trouble with the police, but he didn't care.
He couldn't get a job anywhere because he hadn't filed his income tax for the past 7 years and he didn't want to take a job where they would ask for his social security number and the IRS would find him, so everything was done under the table. He bought for cash and sold for cash....no record of anything, except that I kept records of it all for myself and so we knew what we spent and earned. He said he wanted to stay in Non E with the govt.
I kept telling him I didn't want to be with him and he couldn't seem to get it. He hauled me into AOLA again and we had a cycle with Roberta. She told him that he was unflat on OT III. Hmmm...quite an evaluation from an MAA. Some people just said he was out ethics. I just wanted him to go away.
I also learned along the way that he had 2 kids with his first wife that he never saw and didn't support. He said his first wife wouldn't let him come near her or the kids. He didn't seem to care which I couldn't understand.
After we got back to LA, we went to an event one night and at the event I got inspired to go back to Flag and continue with my services since I still had about $20,000 there. I was talking to Fred Schwartz about doing that when my husband walks up and throws a fit and tells me that I can't go to Flag without him. Fred Schwartz acted disgusted and told me to come back when I got rid of my husband. I was hoping to get some help from Scientology, but there wasn't any to be had. I went home feeling awful.
I went in to ASHO one evening to see the MAA. While I was waiting to see the MAA, my husband wrote up a thing on me and gave it to the MAA. He told the MAA that I was blown from Flag. He was now making up lies about me? What was wrong with this man? Nothing got handled at ASHO. It was a waste of time.
If he wanted to go to bed and I wanted to stay up and read...that wasn't allowed. I had to go to bed too because he couldn't go to sleep unless I went to bed also. I felt like a siamese twin with this guy. I felt so squashed.
After we got back from our last trip, my husband was outside working on the bus when the metermaid came by. I don't know what went on out there, but she called for backup and the police came and checked his record and there was a warrant out for his arrest in another state for not paying a ticket so they took him to jail. He called me and wanted me to come get him out. I would just as soon have left him there, but I thought he might kill me when he got out if I did that, so I called one of his friends and he drove me to the police station to get him out. I didn't want this kind of stuff in my life. Ugh!
Then one evening he brought home a friend of his that was in the SO. The two of them worked on me to give up the money I had on account at Flag and give it to the Safe Environment Fund to save Mary Sue and the other GO guys from going to jail. I said no. Finally the SO guy left. Later I got to thinking about this. I got the idea that I never could get rid of this guy until I had nothing left....I could never be free of him until I was stripped of all I owned. So, I decided to give all I had left to the Safe Environment Fund and see if this would work to free me from this mess. I signed over my account at Flag to them and gave them all my Scientology books and E meter as well. There was nothing left for him to take away from me.
I then told him I didn't want to be with him and I also told him why I didn't want to have sex with him. He walked out......
There I was. No car, no money, no job, no possessions...he took the money with him and left me with his phone bill. He took all the merchandise - we were selling lamps at the time....except for one box of lamps that he left with me.
I didn't know which way to turn. I decided to bite the bullet and called my father and told him what had happened. He came over and brought me some money and a car to drive. He rescued me....after my being mean to him, he still helped me out. My husband came back while he was there and my father had a few words to say to him. My father said we lived like gypsies and he was right. Sure wasn't the way I was brought up. Then my husband left and went to sleep in the bus. But he left his stuff in the apartment. He came back in the morning to shower and change clothes and then left again. I had the manager change the locks on the apartment so that the next time he showed up he had to take his stuff and get out.
I went out the next morning and sold the only box of lamps I had and then came back and bought more lamps and went out and started selling on my own.
The next day I get a call from a lady. He ran the bus into her car. I quick put a notice in the newspaper that we were separated and I wasn't responsible for his debts and I signed the pink slip over to him so that I had no ownership in the bus anymore. I had to get separated out from this guy.
Since Scientologists aren't allowed to go to court for a divorce and have to handle matters through a Chaplain's Court...we did that at AOLA. It was decided that since he took the bus...he owed me the amount that my car was worth that went into it and also half of the money that we earned working together on the road selling.....so it came out that he owed me $4500. And he was given 6 months to pay it back or it would become an ethics matter. He never paid a dime of it, so 6 month later I went to Ethics to try to handle it. All they did was make it so that he couldn't receive any services until he paid me back, which he never did and he did get an intensive of review auditing at AOLA after this to try to straighten him out, but he never paid for that either.....they gave it to him on the basis that he would pay it back which he never did. He was an awful mess...his life was a disaster. I happened to see him about 6 years later at some meeting that was called at the Complex. Just the sight of him struck fear in me and he looked awful....it looked like he had aged about 20 years in that short period of time.
After he left, I went and got a divorce - a legal one in Calif., so I had to wait 6 months to get it. It was a long 6 months. He didn't contest so it was a done deal. It was really hard for me to do..I felt like I was wading through cement. I went and filed my taxes and that also seemed awfully difficult after being around him.
I had one relapse shortly after he left where I thought maybe I didn't give it a chance and spoke to him about maybe trying to work it out. Thank God he said no. I was in horrible shape myself after all this time with him....and I couldn't understand myself why I was even considering this. It was crazy. I was so caved in, I felt embarassed, humiliated and ashamed over my life with this guy. It was emotionally so painful.
I continued to sell the lamps for a while and was doing pretty good with it...making enough to pay my bills. I got license to sell, but ended up in some areas where I didn't have a license and felt guilty and found myself looking over my shoulder for the police so got more careful about the areas I was selling in. Then I walked into one office to sell the lamps. This business was full of electrical engineers who informed me that the lamps I was selling were a cheap import that weren't legal to sell....didn't have the UL seal on them or something of the sort, so I had to quite that. Then I was at a loss of what to do.
Somebody at ASHO tried to recruit me for the Sea Org. They gave me a contract to take home and think about. I thought about it and looked at it and thought about it and looked at it. As I began to think about myself being in the Sea Org, I got very keyed out and I felt great, so I decided to do it. I could then spend all of my time on Scientology which is what I wanted to do by then. It was what I had wanted to do for years. I signed the contract and took it back to ASHO and they got me started on taking the tests to join. I got as far as taking the OCA and in the middle of it I got scared and backed out. So, they put me on a project prepare. I went back out and tried to sell and couldn't do it. I felt so stuck between a rock and a hard place with nowhere to turn. I felt like I was in cement.
Then my father comes over and asks me if I think he should get married. I couldn't really discuss it with him logically because I had been accused by my mother of ruining her marriage to my father, so I wasn't about to say anything in any direction about this. I just left it up to him. He was feeling guilty because he had been sleeping with her for the past two years and thought he should do her right, but I never saw that he loved her or really wanted to marry her. I went to their wedding which was held outside a wedding chapel in Toluca Lake because he refused to be married inside any kind of church and he acted like dracula at his wedding and then we went to a coffee shop to have something to eat. It was quite disturbing. In their wedding picture he put his hands around her throat like he was going to strangle her...just joking of course, but it was not a happy day. It left me feeling very sad.
So, my life is in the toilet and I still owe all this money to my father that I don't know how I'm ever going to pay back and there is now a stranger in the family (my father's new wife who is only about 3 yrs older than I am with $ in her eyes) and I haven't a clue as to what to do with my life from here or how to get out of this mess that I got myself into and I'm not getting any younger. But LRH said...."Don't take your eye off the mountain"...and I still wanted to get more auditing and get up the Bridge. I still believed all the PR I'd been fed over the years by Scientology, I just didn't know how to ever get up that Bridge. It seemed impossible to me. And everyday life seemed horribly difficult.
I think I spoke to a field auditor about this time and he told me I needed some stability. (no kidding) He told me to go get a regular stable job. I needed my mind back. I was so shakey, I was like a newborn colt with wobbly legs trying to walk for the first time. I'd lost my confidence in myself, which is a horrible experience and I didn't know how to get it back. I can't believe I was so loyal to Scientology through all of this. I was so blind to all the lies. The truth was hidden from me. Damn LRH and his lies.
My apartment at the Shangri Lodge was right next to the sauna. Some people who lived in the building did their Purif there. I remember one guy who was running out heroine and he came and sat on my living room floor to cool down. He was on a heroine high - running it out. I hadn't done the Purif yet, so I found that interesting.
Another time, shortly after I moved in to the Shangri Lodge, I went to bed one night - I was alone and all of a sudden a very soft, male voice said "hello...(my name)".
I sat bolt upright in bed...."Who's there?" Silence. There was no one there and no one answered. I'd heard about people who heard voices, but that had never happened to me and has never happened since then. I still don't know what that was about. I did mention it to someone else who lived at the Shangri Lodge and they told me that there had been a guy who lived in that apartment who had killed himself. I don't know if that was true or if that was his ghost or what. It sure spooked me.Anyway, back to this guy I was married to. We traveled around the country with 4 stacks of laser pictures piled 2 ft high on the top of my little Honda Civic. When we had sold all the pictures, we got another bunch sent to us wherever we were and we would continue on. When we first started doing this, I thought we were both doing the selling, but after one sale, when we went back to the car, I got scolded for trying to sell and told that he would do the selling and I was just supposed to stand there and look pretty and keep my mouth shut.
After one of our tours around the country, when we came back to LA, he got the idea to get a van so that we could carry more merchandise with us. In the hunt for a van, he found a greyhound bus which had been converted into a housecar, which is like a motorhome. My car plus some cash we had from selling pictures got traded for this bus/housecar. I no longer had anything to drive. The bus was older and didn't have power steering or power brakes and I didn't have the strength to drive it, so he did the driving. He loved it. He drove it like it was a car instead of a bus and I was in fear most of the time because of the way he drove and he also refused to get any insurance on it, which was against the law. I was freaked out about that.
The bus had a seating/dining area, a kitchen, bathroom and bedroom. The bathroom was not finished....it had a sink and toilet, but the shower was not hooked up and there was no hot water heater so when I did dishes I boiled water on the stove to wash the dishes. We went to a place like Toys R Us and got a little plastic blow up kiddie pool and put it in the bathroom when we wanted to bathe. I heated water on the stove and we used a 2 gal watering can and one of us would hold it over the other one to wash off the soap and then we would trade off. I never knew one could take a shower with 2 gal of water. It worked pretty well.
There was no heat in the bus unless we pulled into a truck stop and hooked up to electricity, which we rarely did. When we were in Arizona and Colorado in the winter, we mostly froze. We didn't use the kiddie pool when it was cold. We would stop at a motel 2 or 3 times a week to take a shower and sleep in a warm bed. I remember when we first went into cold country with the bus...it was about 20F one evening and this guy didn't own a coat. I got really worried about him. He said he didn't need one. :confused2: I fussed at him until he bought one. I couldn't understand this person. He didn't prepare for anything. That frightened me.
We were in New Mexico when the clutch went out on the bus. We just happened to be in the parking lot of Sears. We tried to order a clutch for this bus, but it would take a couple of weeks to get one, so he took the bell housing apart on this bus....an amazing feat in my estimating...I watched him do it. After he got it apart, he took the clutch plate out and we sat in the bus and filed on this thing until we got it fixed and then he put it all back together alone and it worked. Sometimes the things that he did just blew me away. He had amazing intention and strength when he wanted to get something done. I attributed that to his being OT III. While all this was going on and we were stuck there, I just wanted to call my father and go home....I didn't want this kind of life....but I couldn't do that because my father was this SP and I couldn't go back there. I hated my life for the mostpart. I did like traveling and seeing new people and places. We met some interesting people and ate in some really good restaurants - that was fun. One restaurant in the mountains of Colorado had the most wonderful french dip I ever ate.
In one small town in Colorado, we met the Mayor - he owned a restaurant where we stopped to eat and sell pictures. He told us the story about an underground bunker in the area where the powers that be on this planet had a hideout in case of a nuclear war. The place was complete with living quarters and food and school, etc where people could hole up for a long time if need be....the right people, of course. This mayor was trying to get in with these people to find out what was going on. When we later spoke with him, he quit because his nephew met with a skiiing accident. He wouldn't say any more about any of it.
When we were stuck in the parking lot at Sears, we met another person who lived in a converted school bus. He had a little coal burning stove in his bus to keep warm. It was quite cozy. He invited us to dinner one evening and introduced us to spaghetti squash. This was one of the more pleasant experiences.
One of the reasons we were in Colorado was because my husband owed a gal money that he had borrowed to do his OT Levels years before and had never paid her back. She was getting on his case about it, so we went there so that he could make some arrangements to pay her back. We met with her and he made arrangements to pay her so much a month until she was paid off. He kept saying she was an SP. I later learned that he called everyone he owed money to an SP. Also, if he tried to sell pictures to someone and they wouldn't buy from him, he called them an SP as well.
I got really tired of hearing him call people SPs because they didn't agree with him.We also stopped to visit with his mom in Colorado. We were only there for about an hour. In that time he managed to tear her apart for being married to his stepfather who I assume he hated. He had quite a temper tantrum and then burst into tears. I felt so embarassed and his mother sat there with her mouth open in shock and finally told him she felt sorry for him. This was OT III? This was awful.
Wherever we went and there was an org in the area, we always stopped there to visit and he would promote himself as an FSM. He tried to sell Dianetics books along the way on the road whenever he got a chance, but didn't sell very many. He was always trying to disseminate Scientology. He wanted to get a better bus and just travel around and do that. He said that he had built a dissem team at one point in the past but had been squashed and was still upset about it. I think that was the only thing in his life that he ever felt good about and it got ruined. He wanted to be a big time FSM.
One evening we parked in a parking lot of a shopping area. We were disagreeing about something and I was so charged up I felt like I was going to fly apart...I got up and got off the bus and went to go for a walk. He chased me off the bus and stopped me. He grabbed me and started to get physical with me. I told him.."I don't care if you are OT III....get your hands off me.." He got mad and told me I was invalidating an OT. I was scared of him and he was stronger than me. Then all of a sudden someone in a car came driving towards us. The minute he saw that someone had noticed what was going on and was coming toward us, he let go of me and ran and got in the bus and left me standing there. The people in the car asked me if I needed some help or if they could take me somewhere. I felt so embarassed because we were Scientologists and causing a scene. I wanted to go to the nearest airport and call my father and ask him if he would help me to fly home, but I couldn't do that. I was afraid to get in a car with strangers also. I just told them no....everything was okay and they drove off. I hated being caught in this mess.
On one of our trips, I had the worst toothache in my whole life. I thought I was going to die of the pain. We found a dentist in Colorado who gave me a perscription of antibiotics and when we got back to LA, he took me to a dentist who was a Scientologist. In the middle of working on my teeth, he got a phone call from his mother who was opposed to his being in Scientology and was giving him a bad time about it...he was PTS to her.
One time in Colorado, my husband decides he's going to turn the bus around by backing onto a dirt road....only problem was the road was muddy and the bus lost traction when he tried to drive it forward again to get back on the hwy. As he tried to get the bus to go forward the back wheels were slipping sideways and we were next to a ravine. The bus began to slip off the edge and the back end of the bus was going over the edge. I ran to the front and jumped out the door thinking the whole thing was going over. It didn't, but it sure looked dangerous hanging there at an odd angle with the right front end off the ground. He got out and we walked to the nearby town to find a tow truck. Turned out they were all busy, so we started to walk back to the bus when my husband told me to go stand on the road and thumb a ride from this truck coming toward us. I did and the guy stopped for a female....then my husband comes running out and asks the guy if he will give us a ride back to the bus and then talks him into helping us out. He ties a nylon rope to the bumper of this guys truck and the other end to the front bumper on the bus. He gets back in the bus and the guy in the truck tried to back up while my husband tried to drive forward. I'm standing near the truck and watching this. The truck was in motion bouncing toward the ravine and the bus wasn't moving. I was terrified that the truck was going into the ravine and I screamed because I don't think the guy driving the truck saw where he was headed. It seemed like everything was in motion and all of a sudden the bus lurched forward and back on the road just as the truck stopped when I screamed....
My husband gave him one of our laser pictures for all his effort. I couldn't believe he was so cheap. My nerves were really on edge. Another time we had to drive over a mountain pass in Colorado. Half way up the hill, the bus stopped and there we were stuck on a mountain road with one lane up and one lane down with logging trucks going up and down the mountain, no shoulder to pull off on and it was dark. :nailbiting: I got out with a flashlight and luckily a guy was driving up the hill with a brand new large pickup. He pulled in front of the bus and my husband tied the nylon rope to the front of the bus and the other end to the back of that guys truck. Just as one logging truck was coming down the hill toward us and another was coming up behind us, the guy in the truck got us moving up the hill. Another close shave. I was a nervous wreck.
Turned out the air filter was cloggedAnother time we were going down a very steep mountain road and the brakes started to heat up and didn't seem to be working too well.....
I fretted all the way down the hill...if the brakes had gone out there...it would have been a horrible accident. When we got back to LA this time, I refused to go traveling on the road again.
I kept thinking that the reason I was having so much trouble in my life was because I was still connected somehow with my family. I had already resigned as trustee for the family trust and resigned as far as taking care of my aunt's estate. All that was left was my inheritance, so I called my father and told him I didn't want it...I didn't want his money or anything else from him. Reject...reject...trying to solve my problem of why my life was so messed up.
We continued to sell in the LA area and I continued to tell him I didn't want to be with him. One night when we were out selling he tried to run creative processing on me....god that was awful...he was a Class IV and I guess he thought he could control me and make me do what he wanted that way.
It began to bother me because we were selling in LA and we didn't have any license to do so and I was afraid of getting caught. I didn't want to get in trouble with the police, but he didn't care.
He couldn't get a job anywhere because he hadn't filed his income tax for the past 7 years and he didn't want to take a job where they would ask for his social security number and the IRS would find him, so everything was done under the table. He bought for cash and sold for cash....no record of anything, except that I kept records of it all for myself and so we knew what we spent and earned. He said he wanted to stay in Non E with the govt.
I kept telling him I didn't want to be with him and he couldn't seem to get it. He hauled me into AOLA again and we had a cycle with Roberta. She told him that he was unflat on OT III. Hmmm...quite an evaluation from an MAA. Some people just said he was out ethics. I just wanted him to go away.
I also learned along the way that he had 2 kids with his first wife that he never saw and didn't support. He said his first wife wouldn't let him come near her or the kids. He didn't seem to care which I couldn't understand.
After we got back to LA, we went to an event one night and at the event I got inspired to go back to Flag and continue with my services since I still had about $20,000 there. I was talking to Fred Schwartz about doing that when my husband walks up and throws a fit and tells me that I can't go to Flag without him. Fred Schwartz acted disgusted and told me to come back when I got rid of my husband. I was hoping to get some help from Scientology, but there wasn't any to be had. I went home feeling awful.
I went in to ASHO one evening to see the MAA. While I was waiting to see the MAA, my husband wrote up a thing on me and gave it to the MAA. He told the MAA that I was blown from Flag.
He was now making up lies about me? What was wrong with this man? Nothing got handled at ASHO. It was a waste of time.If he wanted to go to bed and I wanted to stay up and read...that wasn't allowed. I had to go to bed too because he couldn't go to sleep unless I went to bed also. I felt like a siamese twin with this guy. I felt so squashed.
After we got back from our last trip, my husband was outside working on the bus when the metermaid came by. I don't know what went on out there, but she called for backup and the police came and checked his record and there was a warrant out for his arrest in another state for not paying a ticket so they took him to jail. He called me and wanted me to come get him out. I would just as soon have left him there, but I thought he might kill me when he got out if I did that, so I called one of his friends and he drove me to the police station to get him out. I didn't want this kind of stuff in my life. Ugh!
Then one evening he brought home a friend of his that was in the SO. The two of them worked on me to give up the money I had on account at Flag and give it to the Safe Environment Fund to save Mary Sue and the other GO guys from going to jail. I said no. Finally the SO guy left. Later I got to thinking about this. I got the idea that I never could get rid of this guy until I had nothing left....I could never be free of him until I was stripped of all I owned. So, I decided to give all I had left to the Safe Environment Fund and see if this would work to free me from this mess. I signed over my account at Flag to them and gave them all my Scientology books and E meter as well. There was nothing left for him to take away from me.
I then told him I didn't want to be with him and I also told him why I didn't want to have sex with him. He walked out......
There I was. No car, no money, no job, no possessions...he took the money with him and left me with his phone bill. He took all the merchandise - we were selling lamps at the time....except for one box of lamps that he left with me.
I didn't know which way to turn. I decided to bite the bullet and called my father and told him what had happened. He came over and brought me some money and a car to drive. He rescued me....after my being mean to him, he still helped me out.
My husband came back while he was there and my father had a few words to say to him. My father said we lived like gypsies and he was right. Sure wasn't the way I was brought up. Then my husband left and went to sleep in the bus. But he left his stuff in the apartment. He came back in the morning to shower and change clothes and then left again. I had the manager change the locks on the apartment so that the next time he showed up he had to take his stuff and get out. I went out the next morning and sold the only box of lamps I had and then came back and bought more lamps and went out and started selling on my own.
The next day I get a call from a lady. He ran the bus into her car. I quick put a notice in the newspaper that we were separated and I wasn't responsible for his debts and I signed the pink slip over to him so that I had no ownership in the bus anymore. I had to get separated out from this guy.
Since Scientologists aren't allowed to go to court for a divorce and have to handle matters through a Chaplain's Court...we did that at AOLA. It was decided that since he took the bus...he owed me the amount that my car was worth that went into it and also half of the money that we earned working together on the road selling.....so it came out that he owed me $4500. And he was given 6 months to pay it back or it would become an ethics matter. He never paid a dime of it, so 6 month later I went to Ethics to try to handle it. All they did was make it so that he couldn't receive any services until he paid me back, which he never did and he did get an intensive of review auditing at AOLA after this to try to straighten him out, but he never paid for that either.....they gave it to him on the basis that he would pay it back which he never did. He was an awful mess...his life was a disaster. I happened to see him about 6 years later at some meeting that was called at the Complex. Just the sight of him struck fear in me and he looked awful....it looked like he had aged about 20 years in that short period of time.
After he left, I went and got a divorce - a legal one in Calif., so I had to wait 6 months to get it. It was a long 6 months. He didn't contest so it was a done deal. It was really hard for me to do..I felt like I was wading through cement. I went and filed my taxes and that also seemed awfully difficult after being around him.
I had one relapse shortly after he left where I thought maybe I didn't give it a chance and spoke to him about maybe trying to work it out.
Thank God he said no. I was in horrible shape myself after all this time with him....and I couldn't understand myself why I was even considering this. It was crazy. I was so caved in, I felt embarassed, humiliated and ashamed over my life with this guy. It was emotionally so painful.I continued to sell the lamps for a while and was doing pretty good with it...making enough to pay my bills. I got license to sell, but ended up in some areas where I didn't have a license and felt guilty and found myself looking over my shoulder for the police so got more careful about the areas I was selling in. Then I walked into one office to sell the lamps. This business was full of electrical engineers who informed me that the lamps I was selling were a cheap import that weren't legal to sell....didn't have the UL seal on them or something of the sort, so I had to quite that. Then I was at a loss of what to do.
Somebody at ASHO tried to recruit me for the Sea Org. They gave me a contract to take home and think about. I thought about it and looked at it and thought about it and looked at it. As I began to think about myself being in the Sea Org, I got very keyed out and I felt great, so I decided to do it. I could then spend all of my time on Scientology which is what I wanted to do by then. It was what I had wanted to do for years. I signed the contract and took it back to ASHO and they got me started on taking the tests to join. I got as far as taking the OCA and in the middle of it I got scared and backed out. So, they put me on a project prepare. I went back out and tried to sell and couldn't do it. I felt so stuck between a rock and a hard place with nowhere to turn. I felt like I was in cement.
Then my father comes over and asks me if I think he should get married.
I couldn't really discuss it with him logically because I had been accused by my mother of ruining her marriage to my father, so I wasn't about to say anything in any direction about this. I just left it up to him. He was feeling guilty because he had been sleeping with her for the past two years and thought he should do her right, but I never saw that he loved her or really wanted to marry her. I went to their wedding which was held outside a wedding chapel in Toluca Lake because he refused to be married inside any kind of church and he acted like dracula at his wedding and then we went to a coffee shop to have something to eat. It was quite disturbing. In their wedding picture he put his hands around her throat like he was going to strangle her...just joking of course, but it was not a happy day. It left me feeling very sad. So, my life is in the toilet and I still owe all this money to my father that I don't know how I'm ever going to pay back and there is now a stranger in the family (my father's new wife who is only about 3 yrs older than I am with $ in her eyes) and I haven't a clue as to what to do with my life from here or how to get out of this mess that I got myself into and I'm not getting any younger. But LRH said...."Don't take your eye off the mountain"...and I still wanted to get more auditing and get up the Bridge. I still believed all the PR I'd been fed over the years by Scientology, I just didn't know how to ever get up that Bridge. It seemed impossible to me. And everyday life seemed horribly difficult.
I think I spoke to a field auditor about this time and he told me I needed some stability. (no kidding) He told me to go get a regular stable job. I needed my mind back. I was so shakey, I was like a newborn colt with wobbly legs trying to walk for the first time.
I'd lost my confidence in myself, which is a horrible experience and I didn't know how to get it back. I can't believe I was so loyal to Scientology through all of this. I was so blind to all the lies. The truth was hidden from me. Damn LRH and his lies. 
GreyLensman
Silver Meritorious Patron
This brings back so many memories of desperation and despair, of living entirely on the edge with no... pretty much no anything. Life was always one step away from abject poverty and disaster.
Scientology gave this guy the tools to be a better asshole. And then turns a complete blind eye. I remember the laser prints well.
A heartbreaking story. Where is that popcorn machine, anyway...
Scientology gave this guy the tools to be a better asshole. And then turns a complete blind eye. I remember the laser prints well.
A heartbreaking story. Where is that popcorn machine, anyway...
Free to shine
Shiny & Free
Thankyou so much for writing this story....
Megalomaniac
Silver Meritorious Patron
FoTi
Crusader
Comments
Thanks guys for your replies.
It's taken be a few weeks to get back to doing this. Somehow I just couldn't get myself to continue it for a while.
I've noticed a few changes from what I've written up so far which I thought I'd let you know about. I've been feeling a bit more comfortable, healthier and more relaxed since dumping all this stuff so far......I have more dumping to do. I'm sleeping better too and I'm more relaxed at work.
I've started dreaming again.....I quit dreaming back in 1979 when I blew out of the physical universe at Flag (at least that's what it seemed like to me) and at that poiint I lost most of my memory and pretty much quit dreaming. Well, it seems that my memory is starting to come back and I'm starting to dream again at night. I had two very nice dreams this week....one was a dream where I felt a great deal of very genuine affection/love for a man (don't know who he was) and the other one was a dream where I again felt that very strong affection/love for a dog. The special thing to me about this is that I haven't had that kind of feeling/emotion for a very long time.....at least 30 years. It's like I'm starting to recover myself.
I'm also more aware of how stuffed my mind is with Scientology thinking and some of that is starting to sort out too. I'm beginning to see how hard I tried to force Scientology thinking on myself for 30 years, thinking I was wrong and Scientology was right.....ouch, that's painful. It's as if I've been wound up really tight like a watch that is overwound and stuck, and I'm starting to unwind as a result of posting my experiences here. Just looking at the insanity of it all is helping to slowly undo it.
It's been really difficult for me to write up the stuff so far, but it's been worth doing. It's even more difficult to get myself to continue, but I will soon, hopefully today.
Thanks to all of you who have been encouraging to me and also to Emma for putting this board here for all of us .....she's a angel for doing this. (I need an angel smiley here.)
Thanks guys for your replies.
It's taken be a few weeks to get back to doing this. Somehow I just couldn't get myself to continue it for a while.
I've noticed a few changes from what I've written up so far which I thought I'd let you know about. I've been feeling a bit more comfortable, healthier and more relaxed since dumping all this stuff so far......I have more dumping to do. I'm sleeping better too and I'm more relaxed at work.
I've started dreaming again.....I quit dreaming back in 1979 when I blew out of the physical universe at Flag (at least that's what it seemed like to me) and at that poiint I lost most of my memory and pretty much quit dreaming. Well, it seems that my memory is starting to come back and I'm starting to dream again at night. I had two very nice dreams this week....one was a dream where I felt a great deal of very genuine affection/love for a man (don't know who he was) and the other one was a dream where I again felt that very strong affection/love for a dog. The special thing to me about this is that I haven't had that kind of feeling/emotion for a very long time.....at least 30 years. It's like I'm starting to recover myself.
I'm also more aware of how stuffed my mind is with Scientology thinking and some of that is starting to sort out too. I'm beginning to see how hard I tried to force Scientology thinking on myself for 30 years, thinking I was wrong and Scientology was right.....ouch, that's painful. It's as if I've been wound up really tight like a watch that is overwound and stuck, and I'm starting to unwind as a result of posting my experiences here. Just looking at the insanity of it all is helping to slowly undo it.
It's been really difficult for me to write up the stuff so far, but it's been worth doing. It's even more difficult to get myself to continue, but I will soon, hopefully today.
Thanks to all of you who have been encouraging to me and also to Emma for putting this board here for all of us .....she's a angel for doing this. (I need an angel smiley here.)
FoTi
Crusader
Continuation
Okay. So, now I had to figure out what to do with my life again.
My husband's friend who bailed him out of jail told me after I had given all the money on account at Flag to the Safe Environment Fund that it would have been better if I had done OT III with it instead....he said it would have been better for the planet. Here was that mystery again...I didn't know what he was talking about...but I did take his word for it that what he said was true. He'd already done it, so he should know, shouldn't he? I hated this mystery, but I felt it was necessary because I had been told if I found out it would kill me, which scared me. I thought he was wiser than me because he had done OT III.
He came in one day and said he had a girlfriend and was all excited because he said she loved him. They got married at LA Org and I went to the wedding. She got sick in the middle of the ceremony, but the minister kept right on going anyway....I felt sorry for her and wondered if she really wanted to get married....she didn't seem to be a very happy bride.
He got a 2 bedroom house to live in...she had a little daughter. I needed to move out of my apartment because I was out of money and couldn't afford the rent. They rented me a space in their new house...I shared the room with her daughter and paid rent. He worked and took very good care of her and her daughter. I worked and came home and cleaned the house.
She did much of nothing besides laying around in bed watching TV, lounging on the couch or going to the Org for whatever and one day I got a little bent out of shape at this and said something to her about the subject of exchange. When he got home she told him to get rid of me. He came to me and appologized and said I would have to go because it was either me or her and she was his wife, so I went looking for somewhere else to live again. He was very nice about it. He also said he didn't see why a man couldn't have two wives....one to sleep with and one to clean and cook. I guess he kind of liked this arrangement. 
My father's girlfriend (prior to getting married) was living in a house her sister owned and had an extra bedroom so I rented the bedroom from her and moved into her house. Very shortly after that she married my father and moved into his house and I got two other Scientologist to share the house with me.
One was a gal that worked for Apple School. I remember one day she came home and was all upset because on the way to work that morning she was driving on the freeway and when she looked in her rearview mirror there was an accident happening behind her. She wondered if she caused it. So she calls the police to tell them she might have caused the accident and was trying to be responsible for it. Well, guess who they blamed the accident on and she wasn't even in it.
The other roommate was a really sweet gal named Dale,who had her own cleaning business and was receiving services from a field auditor because she had been in a mental institution for a brief time when she was younger and wasn't allowed to do services at an org.....I think she had to prove that she could make case gain or some such thing. She was maybe in her mid 20's. She was always cheerful and she was winning and happy with her auditing. When we all split and went our separate ways, I didn't see or talk to her for the next two years.
When I went to Portland for the Crusade, I ran into someone who knew Dale and asked how she was doing. I was told that she had been told that she was an illegal pc and wouldn't be allowed to do any more services at all this lifetime with the body that she had and would have to wait until next lifetime to continue on the Bridge. So, she went out to the park, ODed on drugs and died. (I never could understand - if we are thetans or spiritual beings who are going up the Bridge, what difference does it make if you're in a body this lifetime or next lifetime when you're getting auditing. If you still have the same track and the same experience next lifetime, why not just go ahead and get the auditing this lifetime? Why wait until next lifetime? )
I surmised that she probably didn't want to wait another 50 or so years this lifetime plus another 16 or so years into the next lifetime to continue with her Bridge, so she just speeded things up by dropping her body to get to the next body quicker since we only had this brief moment in time to get up the Bridge. It made me feel bad when I heard that she had just wasted her life because she was denied Scientology which was her life goal. I hated it when people who were dedicated Scientologists were denied services. It always made me feel so bad. I also thought the church was so rotten to show a person....this is your route to total spiritual freedom and then tell them they couldn't have it......how evil!
While living in this house I remember the de-dinging thing. Someone came into the house with a tape on de-dinging. Then the declares of the mission holders. The turmoil was scary and stressful to me even though I wasn't on lines at any mission....the fact that this was all happening was a nightmare to me. Something awful was happening in Scientology and I didn't know why.
Then I remember my father came by the house just to say hello and visit with me. I didn't want to see him or talk with him at all, but I had to because he was helping me....I was driving a car he lent me so that I could get to work, etc. I had such awful feelings about him because he didn't accept Scientology and I wasn't supposed to be involved with him at all because he didn't accept Scientology. And I still owed him all this money that I had borrowed to go to Flag 3 years prior. I felt like I was being torn apart. I didn't want to have anything to do with anyone in my family because of Scientology. Talk about stress.
I still had this thing in my mind that the MAA at Flag told me I had to get rid of everything that had belonged to my mother. Her sewing machine was still at my father's house because I couldn't figure out how to get it out of the house and get rid of it while I was still living there without my father wondering why I was throwing out her sewing machine. Since I was now living in a house with space for the sewing machine, I went to my father's house and picked up her sewing machine and brought it to the house where I was now living. I then proceeded to carry it down the street one night, with the help of one of my roommates, to the gas station, which was about 4 houses down the street and left it at the edge of the gas station for whomever wished to take it. It was gone in 5 minutes.
I also took a coat that my father had made for me - leather and fur - cost him $800.00 - along with some clothes that my aunt had given me for Christmas and left those at the gas station - those were gone in a flash also. I was trying to get rid of anything that my family had ever given to me that might be effecting me. I was trying to make anything that I owned something that I had earned with my own efforts and to get rid of anything that had been given to me. Somehow I was trying to dePTS myself by throwing everything away that I hadn't earned on my own. Somehow the stuff that I'd read about exchange in Scientology made it so that I couldn't have anything that anybody gave to me, that I didn't earn, without feeling guilty about it. And the stuff that LRH wrote about exchange made me think my father and family were wrong for giving me anything. I was having an awful time with this. I even felt wrong for using the car he let me use, but I couldn't afford to buy a car at the time. I couldn't accept his kindness without feeling wrong about it and after I got into Scientology I actually hated them for giving me so much because I got the idea from reading LRH that it was wrong. I even had conversations with my father about this because I was so upset that I had no way to ever get my exchange in with my parents for all that they had done for me throughout my life and I felt like I owed them hundreds of thousands of dollars and had to pay them back for everything they had ever given to me. He didn't feel I owed him anything and didn't expect me to pay him back and couldn't understand why I was so distraught over all this. I thought everything LRH said was the truth and I had to live by it. Scientology was making my life miserable, but I couldn't see it. I was completely blind to it.
Okay. So, now I had to figure out what to do with my life again.
My husband's friend who bailed him out of jail told me after I had given all the money on account at Flag to the Safe Environment Fund that it would have been better if I had done OT III with it instead....he said it would have been better for the planet. Here was that mystery again...I didn't know what he was talking about...but I did take his word for it that what he said was true. He'd already done it, so he should know, shouldn't he? I hated this mystery, but I felt it was necessary because I had been told if I found out it would kill me, which scared me. I thought he was wiser than me because he had done OT III.
He came in one day and said he had a girlfriend and was all excited because he said she loved him. They got married at LA Org and I went to the wedding. She got sick in the middle of the ceremony, but the minister kept right on going anyway....I felt sorry for her and wondered if she really wanted to get married....she didn't seem to be a very happy bride.
He got a 2 bedroom house to live in...she had a little daughter. I needed to move out of my apartment because I was out of money and couldn't afford the rent. They rented me a space in their new house...I shared the room with her daughter and paid rent. He worked and took very good care of her and her daughter. I worked and came home and cleaned the house.
She did much of nothing besides laying around in bed watching TV, lounging on the couch or going to the Org for whatever and one day I got a little bent out of shape at this and said something to her about the subject of exchange. When he got home she told him to get rid of me. He came to me and appologized and said I would have to go because it was either me or her and she was his wife, so I went looking for somewhere else to live again. He was very nice about it. He also said he didn't see why a man couldn't have two wives....one to sleep with and one to clean and cook. I guess he kind of liked this arrangement. My father's girlfriend (prior to getting married) was living in a house her sister owned and had an extra bedroom so I rented the bedroom from her and moved into her house. Very shortly after that she married my father and moved into his house and I got two other Scientologist to share the house with me.
One was a gal that worked for Apple School. I remember one day she came home and was all upset because on the way to work that morning she was driving on the freeway and when she looked in her rearview mirror there was an accident happening behind her. She wondered if she caused it. So she calls the police to tell them she might have caused the accident and was trying to be responsible for it. Well, guess who they blamed the accident on and she wasn't even in it.
The other roommate was a really sweet gal named Dale,who had her own cleaning business and was receiving services from a field auditor because she had been in a mental institution for a brief time when she was younger and wasn't allowed to do services at an org.....I think she had to prove that she could make case gain or some such thing. She was maybe in her mid 20's. She was always cheerful and she was winning and happy with her auditing. When we all split and went our separate ways, I didn't see or talk to her for the next two years.
When I went to Portland for the Crusade, I ran into someone who knew Dale and asked how she was doing. I was told that she had been told that she was an illegal pc and wouldn't be allowed to do any more services at all this lifetime with the body that she had and would have to wait until next lifetime to continue on the Bridge. So, she went out to the park, ODed on drugs and died. (I never could understand - if we are thetans or spiritual beings who are going up the Bridge, what difference does it make if you're in a body this lifetime or next lifetime when you're getting auditing. If you still have the same track and the same experience next lifetime, why not just go ahead and get the auditing this lifetime? Why wait until next lifetime?
)I surmised that she probably didn't want to wait another 50 or so years this lifetime plus another 16 or so years into the next lifetime to continue with her Bridge, so she just speeded things up by dropping her body to get to the next body quicker since we only had this brief moment in time to get up the Bridge. It made me feel bad when I heard that she had just wasted her life because she was denied Scientology which was her life goal. I hated it when people who were dedicated Scientologists were denied services. It always made me feel so bad. I also thought the church was so rotten to show a person....this is your route to total spiritual freedom and then tell them they couldn't have it......how evil!
While living in this house I remember the de-dinging thing. Someone came into the house with a tape on de-dinging. Then the declares of the mission holders.
The turmoil was scary and stressful to me even though I wasn't on lines at any mission....the fact that this was all happening was a nightmare to me. Something awful was happening in Scientology and I didn't know why.Then I remember my father came by the house just to say hello and visit with me. I didn't want to see him or talk with him at all, but I had to because he was helping me....I was driving a car he lent me so that I could get to work, etc. I had such awful feelings about him because he didn't accept Scientology and I wasn't supposed to be involved with him at all because he didn't accept Scientology. And I still owed him all this money that I had borrowed to go to Flag 3 years prior. I felt like I was being torn apart. I didn't want to have anything to do with anyone in my family because of Scientology. Talk about stress.
I still had this thing in my mind that the MAA at Flag told me I had to get rid of everything that had belonged to my mother. Her sewing machine was still at my father's house because I couldn't figure out how to get it out of the house and get rid of it while I was still living there without my father wondering why I was throwing out her sewing machine. Since I was now living in a house with space for the sewing machine, I went to my father's house and picked up her sewing machine and brought it to the house where I was now living. I then proceeded to carry it down the street one night, with the help of one of my roommates, to the gas station, which was about 4 houses down the street and left it at the edge of the gas station for whomever wished to take it. It was gone in 5 minutes.
I also took a coat that my father had made for me - leather and fur - cost him $800.00 - along with some clothes that my aunt had given me for Christmas and left those at the gas station - those were gone in a flash also. I was trying to get rid of anything that my family had ever given to me that might be effecting me. I was trying to make anything that I owned something that I had earned with my own efforts and to get rid of anything that had been given to me.
Somehow I was trying to dePTS myself by throwing everything away that I hadn't earned on my own. Somehow the stuff that I'd read about exchange in Scientology made it so that I couldn't have anything that anybody gave to me, that I didn't earn, without feeling guilty about it. And the stuff that LRH wrote about exchange made me think my father and family were wrong for giving me anything. I was having an awful time with this. I even felt wrong for using the car he let me use, but I couldn't afford to buy a car at the time. I couldn't accept his kindness without feeling wrong about it and after I got into Scientology I actually hated them for giving me so much because I got the idea from reading LRH that it was wrong. I even had conversations with my father about this because I was so upset that I had no way to ever get my exchange in with my parents for all that they had done for me throughout my life and I felt like I owed them hundreds of thousands of dollars and had to pay them back for everything they had ever given to me. He didn't feel I owed him anything and didn't expect me to pay him back and couldn't understand why I was so distraught over all this. I thought everything LRH said was the truth and I had to live by it. Scientology was making my life miserable, but I couldn't see it. I was completely blind to it.
FoTi
Crusader
Love ya' FoTi. Continue whenever you are ready.....
Thanks so much GT.
Love ya' too.
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FoTi
Crusader
Continuation
During this same time period (I think this was 1982), I went to work for a Scientologist who owned an architectural firm. I think he was Clear.
He was hiring for someone to take over the post of reception, secretary, go fur, etc. I told him when I went to work there that I was interested in an interior design job because that's what I went to college for - I only had one semester left to graduate when I quit to do Scientology in 1973. I still wanted to do that. He told me that when the position opened up, if I got my stats up on the post that he hired me for, he led me to believe that he would let me move into that job. I worked really hard and stayed late into the evenings to get my stats up so that I could get into that position. When the position opened up, he hired someone in from the outside who was not a Scientologist and I felt royalty betrayed. I was so upset and he also never paid me for any of the overtime I put in to get his work done. I was really pissed. I quit doing the extra time for him in the evenings.
There was a field auditor who was OT who was looking for someone to come to his house and do his cleaning and cooking, etc in exchange for services - in this instance he was going to deliver the purif to me after I worked for him for so many hours. I cooked, cleaned, did laundry, etc. He wanted me to pick up his daughter after school and bring her home. I started doing that but when I mentioned it to my father (who's car I was borrowing), he asked me not to use his car for this because he wasn't insured for me working for someone and chauffering their child around. When I told this field auditor that I could no longer pick up his daughter for him because of my father's request, he got very angry with me. I told him he needed to find someone else who could do what he wanted. He told me that I needed to replace myself or else I couldn't leave. I didn't know anyone who would want this job. It was wearing me out anyway what with working full time during the day also. I quit.....let him find his own maid or hire someone from an agency to come in and do the work. But he wanted a Scientologist that he didn't have to pay money to. He gave me nothing for working for him and so I went to the Chaplain at AOLA. This field auditor said I had to do conditions because I left without a replacement. The Chaplain told him I didn't have do conditions because he wasn't an Org The Chaplain made him give me something for the work I did for him. He eventually gave me some training awards for the Pro TRs course which I never got to do and the training awards weren't transferable so I never actually got anything for working for him. I lost more respect for another OT and felt like he was supressive. It was a great relief to leave this job and get away from him.
While I was working for the architectural firm I was having a hard time....I was so low on energy. I had to keep going to Vicki Samler for B1 shots to just keep working and I wasn't absorbing my food properly and didn't know how to straighten this problem out. I was tired all the time except when I got the shots. This was expensive.
Somewhere in all of this I went to CCLA and decided to get on course to see if that would help, since I'd been off lines for quite a while. I decided to take the Success Through Communication Course since it was a different course than the original Comm Course that I had taken back in 1973. I hated this new communication course. There was one drill in which you had to say a lot of numbers. It created a lot of charge for me for some reason, I know not why. There was one of the drills where one was taught to be evasive and I was learning how not to answer people's questions and change the subject and redirect their attention to another subject. I couldn't figure out why I had to learn to be evasive and covert. I loved the original Communication Course, but I hated this new Success Through Communication Course. I don't recall if I ever finished it or just quit and never went back. It left a very bad taste in my mouth. It seemed like it was teaching people to be dishonest. I never said anything about it because one didn't complain about a course in Scientology or one was an SP but it gave me the creeps. The room that the course was delivered in was a renovated room and it was lovely to study in. That was the only good thing about being there - the decor. The rest sucked. I never thought I would ever be on a course in Scientology that I didn't like, but I was protesting all over the place over this new comm course.
Also during this time, my father and his girlfriend (they weren't married yet) were going on a trip to Colorado. I wanted to go with them so bad, but I had this job and had to make myself stay there and work. I couldn't allow myself to do what I wanted to do. While they were gone, the car broke down that my father was letting me use. I didn't have the money to fix it and I had to call my father to pay for the repairs. It cost more that I made in 4 months salary. I felt even worse. It seemed futile for me to try to work and be independent. It was costing my father more for me to work than I was making. I was caught in this horrible financial nightmare and couldn't figure out how to get out of it. It was costing me more to live than I was making. Nothing I was doing made any sense to me. And I still owed my father all this money that I had no way to pay back. It was driving me crazy. I felt so guilty.
After my father got back from his trip, he just popped in one day where I was working at this architectural firm. I suddenly felt so embarassed at him showing up where I worked unannounced. I was so embarassed about this job. I think I quit the next day. I felt so bad that I drove to a department store and bought myself a new trench coat, even though I couldn't afford it, to make myself feel better. It was a great relief to leave this job as well.
Then I went to work for a Scientology company that sold tickets to something having to do with the policeman's fund. There were about 8 or 10 people that worked there. It was telemarketing. The top salesman there was not a Scientologist, most of the rest were. He had an arrangement that his wife would come in every day with all her pots and pans and hot plate and cook him lunch in the back of the room while the rest of us worked. Half the time the sales crew was next door playing the video games. It was pretty laid back. 
I remember one day I looked out the window...it was cloudy...the sky turned green.....and I felt very strange. I had never seen anything like that before. A couple of minutes later my boss went out to get coffee and the last salesman went out to play a video game. I went to the ladies room. While I was in there I suddenly hear somebody yell...."Tornado". I put myself together real quick and opened the door to the ladies room. There was paper everywhere. The tornado had slammed the back door shut and left the salesman outside and threw open the front door and my boss was just coming back with coffee...he dropped the coffee and ran to the front glass door and grabbed it to keep it from getting smashed and the wind had gone through the office and scattered all the papers everywhere. The tornado went on down the street and took the roof off a building down the street. That was the first time I ever heard of a tornado in California. I think that was the beginning of the weather changing in California.
My boss, the manager there, was a nice guy, probably in his 20's. He had attested to Clear. He started getting the Happiness Rundown. While doing this he developed large lumps all over his body about the size of a quarter. I made a mental note....don't do the Happiness Rundown.
While I was working there, one day I called someone on the phone and it turned out to be the Reg from CCLA that I thought was such a good Reg. I always liked the guy. Turned out that he was no longer in the Sea Org. They kicked him out because he couldn't make up his mind whether he liked girls or boys. I said..."I thought there was auditing to handle that." He said.."They gave me everything they had....it didn't change anthing....so..they got rid of me." The tech failed so they threw him away. I felt really bad for him. He was always a really nice guy to me.
While I was working here, somebody convinced me to go to the Valley Org to get on course. So, I went. I got onto some basic course...don't remember which one. I just remember spending most of my time doing TRs with people or getting touch assists....I don't really remember exactly why I was on course at that time. The only thing I can remember reading on course was something LRH wrote in which he seemed to be negative about and put down math...at least that's the understanding I was left with. I was left with a negative feeling about math that I didn't have before reading this.
About this time I decided to try to find a way to make more money so I went and got a job at the Honda dealership, selling Hondas. I had never sold cars in my life, but I remembered one lady in San Diego who quit teaching and went and sold Cadillacs and made a lot of money for her Bridge, so I thought I'd try this line of work. I didn't do too good at this. The guys who worked there didn't like having a female in the sales crew.
I also met a guy at the Valley Org who wanted to date me, so we started going out and shortly we decided to get married. As soon as we got married the manager at the Honda dealership told me that I was no longer needed there. I was devistated. He told me I no longer needed a job because I now had a husband who could support me, so he let me go. Another stinking failure for me.
During this same time period (I think this was 1982), I went to work for a Scientologist who owned an architectural firm. I think he was Clear.
He was hiring for someone to take over the post of reception, secretary, go fur, etc. I told him when I went to work there that I was interested in an interior design job because that's what I went to college for - I only had one semester left to graduate when I quit to do Scientology in 1973. I still wanted to do that. He told me that when the position opened up, if I got my stats up on the post that he hired me for, he led me to believe that he would let me move into that job. I worked really hard and stayed late into the evenings to get my stats up so that I could get into that position. When the position opened up, he hired someone in from the outside who was not a Scientologist and I felt royalty betrayed. I was so upset and he also never paid me for any of the overtime I put in to get his work done. I was really pissed. I quit doing the extra time for him in the evenings.
There was a field auditor who was OT who was looking for someone to come to his house and do his cleaning and cooking, etc in exchange for services - in this instance he was going to deliver the purif to me after I worked for him for so many hours. I cooked, cleaned, did laundry, etc. He wanted me to pick up his daughter after school and bring her home. I started doing that but when I mentioned it to my father (who's car I was borrowing), he asked me not to use his car for this because he wasn't insured for me working for someone and chauffering their child around. When I told this field auditor that I could no longer pick up his daughter for him because of my father's request, he got very angry with me. I told him he needed to find someone else who could do what he wanted. He told me that I needed to replace myself or else I couldn't leave.
I didn't know anyone who would want this job. It was wearing me out anyway what with working full time during the day also. I quit.....let him find his own maid or hire someone from an agency to come in and do the work. But he wanted a Scientologist that he didn't have to pay money to. He gave me nothing for working for him and so I went to the Chaplain at AOLA. This field auditor said I had to do conditions because I left without a replacement. The Chaplain told him I didn't have do conditions because he wasn't an Org The Chaplain made him give me something for the work I did for him. He eventually gave me some training awards for the Pro TRs course which I never got to do and the training awards weren't transferable so I never actually got anything for working for him. I lost more respect for another OT and felt like he was supressive. It was a great relief to leave this job and get away from him.While I was working for the architectural firm I was having a hard time....I was so low on energy. I had to keep going to Vicki Samler for B1 shots to just keep working and I wasn't absorbing my food properly and didn't know how to straighten this problem out. I was tired all the time except when I got the shots. This was expensive.
Somewhere in all of this I went to CCLA and decided to get on course to see if that would help, since I'd been off lines for quite a while. I decided to take the Success Through Communication Course since it was a different course than the original Comm Course that I had taken back in 1973. I hated this new communication course. There was one drill in which you had to say a lot of numbers. It created a lot of charge for me for some reason, I know not why. There was one of the drills where one was taught to be evasive and I was learning how not to answer people's questions and change the subject and redirect their attention to another subject. I couldn't figure out why I had to learn to be evasive and covert. I loved the original Communication Course, but I hated this new Success Through Communication Course. I don't recall if I ever finished it or just quit and never went back. It left a very bad taste in my mouth. It seemed like it was teaching people to be dishonest. I never said anything about it because one didn't complain about a course in Scientology or one was an SP but it gave me the creeps.
The room that the course was delivered in was a renovated room and it was lovely to study in. That was the only good thing about being there - the decor. The rest sucked. I never thought I would ever be on a course in Scientology that I didn't like, but I was protesting all over the place over this new comm course.Also during this time, my father and his girlfriend (they weren't married yet) were going on a trip to Colorado. I wanted to go with them so bad, but I had this job and had to make myself stay there and work. I couldn't allow myself to do what I wanted to do. While they were gone, the car broke down that my father was letting me use. I didn't have the money to fix it and I had to call my father to pay for the repairs. It cost more that I made in 4 months salary. I felt even worse. It seemed futile for me to try to work and be independent. It was costing my father more for me to work than I was making. I was caught in this horrible financial nightmare and couldn't figure out how to get out of it. It was costing me more to live than I was making. Nothing I was doing made any sense to me. And I still owed my father all this money that I had no way to pay back. It was driving me crazy. I felt so guilty.
After my father got back from his trip, he just popped in one day where I was working at this architectural firm. I suddenly felt so embarassed at him showing up where I worked unannounced. I was so embarassed about this job. I think I quit the next day. I felt so bad that I drove to a department store and bought myself a new trench coat, even though I couldn't afford it, to make myself feel better. It was a great relief to leave this job as well.
Then I went to work for a Scientology company that sold tickets to something having to do with the policeman's fund. There were about 8 or 10 people that worked there. It was telemarketing. The top salesman there was not a Scientologist, most of the rest were. He had an arrangement that his wife would come in every day with all her pots and pans and hot plate and cook him lunch in the back of the room while the rest of us worked.
Half the time the sales crew was next door playing the video games. It was pretty laid back. I remember one day I looked out the window...it was cloudy...the sky turned green.....and I felt very strange. I had never seen anything like that before. A couple of minutes later my boss went out to get coffee and the last salesman went out to play a video game. I went to the ladies room. While I was in there I suddenly hear somebody yell...."Tornado".
I put myself together real quick and opened the door to the ladies room. There was paper everywhere. The tornado had slammed the back door shut and left the salesman outside and threw open the front door and my boss was just coming back with coffee...he dropped the coffee and ran to the front glass door and grabbed it to keep it from getting smashed and the wind had gone through the office and scattered all the papers everywhere. The tornado went on down the street and took the roof off a building down the street. That was the first time I ever heard of a tornado in California. I think that was the beginning of the weather changing in California. My boss, the manager there, was a nice guy, probably in his 20's. He had attested to Clear. He started getting the Happiness Rundown. While doing this he developed large lumps all over his body about the size of a quarter. I made a mental note....don't do the Happiness Rundown.
While I was working there, one day I called someone on the phone and it turned out to be the Reg from CCLA that I thought was such a good Reg. I always liked the guy. Turned out that he was no longer in the Sea Org. They kicked him out because he couldn't make up his mind whether he liked girls or boys. I said..."I thought there was auditing to handle that." He said.."They gave me everything they had....it didn't change anthing....so..they got rid of me." The tech failed so they threw him away. I felt really bad for him. He was always a really nice guy to me.
While I was working here, somebody convinced me to go to the Valley Org to get on course. So, I went. I got onto some basic course...don't remember which one. I just remember spending most of my time doing TRs with people or getting touch assists....I don't really remember exactly why I was on course at that time. The only thing I can remember reading on course was something LRH wrote in which he seemed to be negative about and put down math...at least that's the understanding I was left with. I was left with a negative feeling about math that I didn't have before reading this.
About this time I decided to try to find a way to make more money so I went and got a job at the Honda dealership, selling Hondas. I had never sold cars in my life, but I remembered one lady in San Diego who quit teaching and went and sold Cadillacs and made a lot of money for her Bridge, so I thought I'd try this line of work. I didn't do too good at this. The guys who worked there didn't like having a female in the sales crew.
I also met a guy at the Valley Org who wanted to date me, so we started going out and shortly we decided to get married. As soon as we got married the manager at the Honda dealership told me that I was no longer needed there.
I was devistated. He told me I no longer needed a job because I now had a husband who could support me, so he let me go. Another stinking failure for me. 
Woggin' out
Patron with Honors
I'm rieted FoTi
Great story thus far, you have a lovely way of describing all the Scio characters. Now that I think about it, there were plenty of whackos (in and around the fringes of Scio churchdom) which I had attributed to mere eccentricity........ :confused2: I do feel your pain in these tales
Foti and I'm so glad you are recovering! Now more story please. 
Great story thus far, you have a lovely way of describing all the Scio characters. Now that I think about it, there were plenty of whackos (in and around the fringes of Scio churchdom) which I had attributed to mere eccentricity........ :confused2: I do feel your pain in these tales
Foti and I'm so glad you are recovering! Now more story please.
Megalomaniac
Silver Meritorious Patron
Still cheering for you, FoTi! 
Hang in there!
-mac
Hang in there!
-mac
FoTi
Crusader
Continuation
I've been avoiding this, but I guess I'll continue here since I have the day off from work and have a little time before I go do my taxes.
While I was still living in the house with the 2 roommates, before I got married, there was a gal that came to visit one of my roommates. She was on some course at the Org - I don't think it's delivered anymore - this was I think in '83. She had learned on this course something called Order vs Disorder and how to put order into things. The student would go home with their twin or coach and put order into the area where they lived and also go to their work and put order into that area as well. This gal was all excited about this and offered to teach us what she knew.
I was the only one who took her up on it. We started on my bedroom. I was not a very orderly person as regards closet, drawers, papers, etc. Papers just got shoved in drawers.....I had no filing system. We started in one corner of the room and she had me touch each item, slowly moving around the room and decide whether I wanted to keep that item, in which case I had to find a permanent place for it, or throw it away, or if I couldn't decide, it went into a box in the middle of the room. After the whole room was sorted out, then whatever was left in the middle - in the box - would get sorted again and either find a permanent place for it or toss it. When done, everything was organized.
The first evening she worked with me on this and I made it from one corner to the middle of the first wall where the dresser was. The drawers were a jumble that I had to sort out. I got part way through the drawers and then it was late and she left. She never came back and I was left to continue alone.
This sounds really easy, doesn't it? Well, I continued on my own and found it wasn't so easy. I experienced a lot of resistance on doing this and found myself doping off and falling asleep...then I'd become conscious again and continue and then go out again, only to come around and realize that I had gone unconscious again. It was an interesting process. I worked on this until I finished my bedroom my closet and then I did the living room and dining room and kitchen. When I finished, I had no clutter whatsoever and I knew instantly where anything was in the house and had no problem finding anything I needed.
My attention then went to the disorder in my life outside of the house. I realized that I had attention on every piece of mest in the house and when it was all organized, my attention was no longer stuck on the clutter and it freed up my thinkiing. I have to say, even though I never did this course, it was something of value that I got from Scientology via another person on course. Once I did this, it was always easy from then on to put order into an area and it kept me from getting into a mess and clutter again. This was a long explanation, but I found this very valuable and have used it ever since. I never read anything in Scientology that explained how to do this - I guess it was just on that course that no longer exists, as far as I know. Since learning about this and applying it in my life, people tend to say to me..."You're so well organized." It was one of the good things I got out of being around Scientology.
Okay. So, we got married on a Tuesday night, after course, at the Org. I moved into his house. When the weekend came, I thought we would be able to spend some time together, but no.....his friend was out of town for the weekend and he didn't want to leave his friend's wife alone, so he went and spent his time with her. I really got the idea that he really wanted her, but she was married and I was kind of a substitute. Within a few days we had so many differences and weren't getting along at all. I said.....let's do TRs. See if we can settle some of this down and maybe communicate here. So, we sat down to do TRs. In a few minutes he quit. He said there were palm fronds coming out of my head and he wasn't going to do any more TRs with me.
Vicki Samler, the doctor who was a Scientologist giving me the B12 shots, told me I should do the Purif. I didn't have any money. But when I married this guy, he had a good job and the Reg got ahold of him and convinced him that I really needed the Purif and he should pay for it for me since he was my husband. Well, he didn't have the cash, so he took me to some loan company who lent him the money, using his truck for collateral and he paid for my Purif. Since I'd lost my job, I started on the Purif full time....I was going to haul thru this and get done with it fast so I spent about 8 hrs a day in the box.
Within about a week, he announced to me that he made a mistake and he didn't really want to be married to me and he wanted me to move out. There was no talking about it or discussing it or anything - just OUT! He was also pissed off at me because I was 40 yrs old and not successful financially.
Now, I'm out of a job, on the Purif, no money to get a place to live, so I called my father and asked him if I could come stay at his house for a while. He said sure. (He had told me after my mother died, that the house was now half mine, but I wasn't supposed to be around him because he was an SP, right?) He also was married now and I didn't want to infringe on that, but having no other alternative, I packed the car and moved all my stuff to my father's house and took up living in my mother's bedroom, which no one used, probably because she died there. :ghost:
When I next saw him at the Org, he said...."Where did you go?" I said...."I moved out". He said...."I came home and you were gone...I didn't expect you to leave so soon." He filed for the divorce. He got involved with another female at the Org. She ran the same trip on him that he ran on me and he was devistated. Karma?
Well, now I was even more in debt because I now owed him for my Purif.
I continued with the Purif and got to a point where I suddenly decided I would register with a temp agency and get temp jobs so that I could reach a lot of different people and disseminate and make a living as an FSM. I made a postulate for a job where I would meet someone who would be interested in Scientology and would come do services at the Org.
I got a temp job and within a couple of days I was in a conversation with my boss there about the Purif. He said he knew all about Scientology and LRH and he wouldn't have anything to do with THAT!!!.
I told him that the bad stuff that he read was all lies and said....if you'd like to learn more about it, to let me know and I walked away and went back to my desk. Within about 5 minutes, he was at my desk asking me questions. I asked him if he'd like to make an appointment to go hear a lecture. He said sure....I called the Org and got it set up for him to go in. He went and got started on a mini course. When he came back to the office the next day, he said....I'd really like to do this, but I don't have any money. So, I told him about postulates and we made a postulate that he would have the money and he was quite happy about that.
Within about 2 weeks he somehow got the $ and paid for his Bridge up to Clear....training, auditing, books, meter...the whole nine yards. The Reg told me I was going to be getting a commission check. 
This guy was really gung ho for a little while. Then his wife started giving him a bad time about Scientology. He tried to handle her for a while.....then after a couple of months I was told he was trying to get his money back. I felt bad about that.....I still thought it was the only road out.
Okay, now I'm in a quandry as to how to spend this FSM commission. I needed a car badly because I was still borrowing a car from my father. But I also owed my ex for the Purif. I talked to the Reg about it. Of course, he said.....the car is just mest....you can get another car. He talked me into putting the money back on account - my ex's account, since he had put money on my account, then I would return money onto his account. When the check came thru, the Reg wouldn't even let me see the front of it. He came into the Purif and had me endorse the back of it over to the Org and went and put the $ on my ex's acct. When my ex found out about it, he hit the roof. He wanted the money back to pay off his loan that he'd taken out for me.
My ex had been on Foundation staff, but routed off. He went on and was getting auditing - his grades. In the middle of his grades somewhere he originated Clear. Eventually he insisted hard enough and they let him attest.
Several years later I was talking to someone and mentioned his name and was told that when he went to do his OT Preps, they wanted a lot more money from him. He refused and then asked for his money back. I was told he was a refund cycle and that he had a criminal background - freebasing cocaine. He had been pretty gung ho. He came in thru Narconon....said it saved his life since he'd lost home, wife, everything but his truck to drugs, which he traded for the Narconon cycle. Then went on to Scientology. It obviously helped him for a while - he got back on his feet and got accepted back in his field and was making good money. I guess it all fell apart when he went to do his OT Levels. I couldn't understand why he would want a refund when he said it had saved his life. :confused2:
I continued on with the Purif. I was on it a long time - about 6 months. The only other person on it that long was the ED. When I was in the box, all kinds of stuff was going on with me, but when I came out of the sauna and cooled down, I couldn't remember what had gone on in the sauna, so I took my paper in the sauna and wrote what was going on while I was in there. I had nice yucky soggy papers to turn into the C/S everyday. I think I ate a bag of chocolate everyday during my stay in the sauna. One day I was out running - I tripped and fell on the sidewalk and cut my chin open and wandered back to the sauna dripping blood all over the place.
I did notice that my typing speed improved at work while I was on the Purif.
I'd had my tonsils out about 20 yrs previous to the Purif and when a cold wind would blow, it would hurt my ears after I had my tonsils out. That did disappear on the Purif.....that was a nice win...that was worth doing the Purif to get rid of that problem.
I love shrimp scampi and one day I got this bright idea.
I brought a pan, shrimp, butter, salt and garlic with me to the sauna and I placed it on top of the hot rocks to cook. We had a party. 
Only trouble was that there was someone there that couldn't stand the small of garlic. They went and complained about it and the next day when I came to the Purif, there was a sign on the door that read - NO COOKING IN THE SAUNA. Oh, well....it was fun for one day.
I was on the maximum doses for vitamins and niacin - 5000 niacin a day. I couldn't seem to find the end of the Purif. What I thought was drug restim was a toxic overdose of vitamin A.
I got involved with one of the guys on the Purif. Turned out he was in the country illegally because his visa had run out and he didn't want to go back to where he came from. He was working under the table for some Scientologist because he couldn't work in this country legally and he was being paid less than fair wages so he was really broke.
The Org had sold him the Purif with the idea that his life would get better. They took all the money he had and left him really struggling. He was a bit BIs after he finished the Purif. He'd been in session and said something to the auditor that the auditor couldn't have and he was really upset about the auditor's TRs.
He was acting funny and said that he had a withhold. I tried to get him to tell me about it, but he wouldn't. He said he'd have to kill me if he told me. He couldn't mean that. So, I pushed him to tell me thinking that it might help him to tell somebody.
He suddenly looked at me with the strongest hate flow I've ever experienced and told me that he had raped and killed a 10 year old child. :shock: I tried to keep my TRs in, but I think I turned to stone for a minute. Then he yelled at me....See your TRs aren't that good! I was horrified. After a minute he looked at me and said....You believed me didn't you? I'd never hurt a fly....I love children. Now, I was really confused. I was dumbfounded. I didn't know what to say or do.
I left, went to the Purif for the day and that night I slept on the Purif floor. I was afraid to leave the Org. What if he decided to kill me after telling me that?
I went to the Ethics Officer and told him what this guy had said. The EO just said....Oh, he's just telling stories, don't pay any attention to him. I had such mixed feelings about this guy....I was now terrified of him, but I still felt sorry for him because of the situation he was in financially....he was trying to find someone to marry him so that he could stay in the country and finally the girl next door to him married him. It was convenient because he could just jump over the back fence if someone came to her door to find him....and it looked like he was living with her and her mom.
I called immigration to see what they would do if they caught up with him. They said they couldn't be bothered with any illegals unless they had committed a crime because there were too many of them in the country. When I told him that I had called immigration, he caved in big time. That scared the sh_t out of him. I told him they wouldn't bother him unless he committed a crime.
I lent him my Volunteer Minister's Handbook so that he could work on the conditions. I still thought there had to be some hope for this guy. He went to work diligently and started on the condition of confusion. He said he cognited that he was an SP and that made him feel even worse, but he did start to dig himself out of it and got to work again and I got my book back. Working on the conditions did help him. He came to the conclusion that Scientology just introverted people and he didn't want it any more. I still was scared to death of him because of what he had told me and to this day I still don't know if he really did that or not.
He was a real wierd duck. Shortly before he told me all this stuff, he came to visit me at my father's house...my father was out of town at the time. He went out and peed on the tree out front of the house. I said....You're going to get arrested doing that. He also peed in his own back yard and his roommates were a bit upset with him. He said his father taught him to do that....to put back in the earth that which you took from it. Totally different culture. He couldn't get used to our culture. He hated wearing shoes too...and people wouldn't let him come into stores barefoot....he hated that. He was like a fish out of water in the US. He complained about the US and I finally got mad and told him if he didn't like it here, he could just go back where he came from. I met some really strange people in Scientology.
After this fiasco, I didn't want to go back in the box. I told the IC that I didn't want to continue with the Purif any more. I'd been on it for 6 months and that was enough. One of the reasons I stayed on it so long was that there was a gal who had done the Purif and had to come back and redo it because she said she hadn't really completed it and they made her pay for it again - half the price, but stilll.....I didn't want to have to pay for it again. I couldn't pay for it again....didn't have any more money. I was told I had to continue going in the box. I refused. I was sent to Qual. I was told to go back in the box. nope. I was sent to Ethics and was threatened with some sort of ethics action. I told them....forget it....I'm not going to die for you guys. I was actually scared to go back in the box. I was afraid my body couldn't take it any more.
They quit pressuring me to go back in the box, but I didn't attest to anything. I was not feeling great and my life was a mess. I went to get my blood tested. I had bugs in it. I was in pain and I went to a chiropractor .....that was expensive. I ended up paying over $2,000 in chiropractic bills and about $3,000 in dental bills after I got off the Purif. My liver was in overwhelm and it's never been the same since.
I was miserable. I was in so much pain that I would lie down on the floor at work in agony, waiting for the pain to subside. I think the Purif can be dangerous without there being a physician...an MD to monitor people while they are doing it. I was told the heat can cause bones to slip around also, so it would be a good idea to have a chiropractor on board as well as an MD.
I smoked before I got on the Purif, but by the time I was done, I was smoking a whole lot more - 2 - 3 packs a day. I didn't see how one could possibly attest to being free of toxins if one was smoking all the time.
When I was refusing to go back in the box anymore, I was sent to Ethics and besides being threatened with an ethics order, I was also reemed up one side and down the other for living at my father's house....there was a lot of pressure put on me to move out...I was belittled for living there. I never could figure out why it was so bad to be living with one's family. Then I was told I was a no case gain and I was threatened with being thrown out of Scientology. :shock: The fear was intense. I was stressed to the max along with everything else that was going on in my life. 
Somewhere in here, my father's wife decided that she wanted to drive the car that my father had bought for me when I was trustee of the family trust. It was a Seville and she liked it better than her own car, so my father let her have that car and let me drive her car. Well, then she decided to give her car to her mother and so my father told me he would buy me another car and I could pay him back for it and we went car shopping and I got a car, so I now had car payments on top of everything else.
After the Ethics Officer read me the riot act, I went home scared, worried. Right after this, one morning my father's wife came to me and knocked on the bathroom door. When I opened it, she said that she wanted me to move out....she wanted the house and my father to herself. My father had told me that the house was half mine, but having grown up in a house where my mother would tell me how much she didn't want me and how I had ruined her life, her marriage and her health, I had a real sore spot on this kind of thing. I didn't want to stay where I wasn't wanted and I also didn't want to interfere with my father's marriage. Now I was getting pressure from her to move out.
I went and told my father that I had to move out. He said that he just felt like a meal ticket. He looked very unhappy. I didn't know if he meant from me living there or from his wife and her grown son living there. It was okay for her son to stay there, but I had to go. I felt so guilty. I didn't want him to feel like a meal ticket because of me.
I went and got a paper and found a room for rent in some non Scientologist's house. I told him I was a Scientologist and that I didn't want to be where there were any drugs. He assured me that it was okay that I was a Scientologist and that there would be no drugs in the house. I didn't have enough money to pay him the whole rent up front, but he said he would take part of it and I rented the room from him. I went back to my father's house and loaded up my stuff in the car.
Right before I left, my father handed me a check for $200. I needed that money real bad and he didn't want to see me go off empty handed. I really appreciated him doing that. He cared that I didn't go without.
As I was going out the front door, my father came to say goodbye. His wife was there with him and she said...."Ya All come back now and visit us, ya hear?"...all sweet and nice. I thought...Yeh, sure. I hated her
My father walked out with me to the car when I was leaving. I got in the car and he stood there saying goodbye to me. He looked so sad. I was in grief for leaving but I supressed my tears. I didn't want to leave. I wanted to stay living with my father. He had said he wasn't going to be around much longer and I wanted to spend the rest of the time he had here with him before he was gone, but I seemed to have no choice in the matter. I said goodbye knowing that I would never come back to this house again, ever. I cried all the way to the room I had rented. I was so lonely and unhappy there.
I didn't go back to the Org anymore. I just went to work and back to my rented room to sleep and eat and to the chiropractor to try to get my body back into some kind of liveable shape again.
So much for the Purif.
That's enough for now.
More later.
I've been avoiding this, but I guess I'll continue here since I have the day off from work and have a little time before I go do my taxes.
While I was still living in the house with the 2 roommates, before I got married, there was a gal that came to visit one of my roommates. She was on some course at the Org - I don't think it's delivered anymore - this was I think in '83. She had learned on this course something called Order vs Disorder and how to put order into things. The student would go home with their twin or coach and put order into the area where they lived and also go to their work and put order into that area as well. This gal was all excited about this and offered to teach us what she knew.
I was the only one who took her up on it. We started on my bedroom. I was not a very orderly person as regards closet, drawers, papers, etc. Papers just got shoved in drawers.....I had no filing system. We started in one corner of the room and she had me touch each item, slowly moving around the room and decide whether I wanted to keep that item, in which case I had to find a permanent place for it, or throw it away, or if I couldn't decide, it went into a box in the middle of the room. After the whole room was sorted out, then whatever was left in the middle - in the box - would get sorted again and either find a permanent place for it or toss it. When done, everything was organized.
The first evening she worked with me on this and I made it from one corner to the middle of the first wall where the dresser was. The drawers were a jumble that I had to sort out. I got part way through the drawers and then it was late and she left. She never came back and I was left to continue alone.
This sounds really easy, doesn't it? Well, I continued on my own and found it wasn't so easy. I experienced a lot of resistance on doing this and found myself doping off and falling asleep...then I'd become conscious again and continue and then go out again, only to come around and realize that I had gone unconscious again. It was an interesting process. I worked on this until I finished my bedroom my closet and then I did the living room and dining room and kitchen. When I finished, I had no clutter whatsoever and I knew instantly where anything was in the house and had no problem finding anything I needed.
My attention then went to the disorder in my life outside of the house. I realized that I had attention on every piece of mest in the house and when it was all organized, my attention was no longer stuck on the clutter and it freed up my thinkiing. I have to say, even though I never did this course, it was something of value that I got from Scientology via another person on course. Once I did this, it was always easy from then on to put order into an area and it kept me from getting into a mess and clutter again. This was a long explanation, but I found this very valuable and have used it ever since. I never read anything in Scientology that explained how to do this - I guess it was just on that course that no longer exists, as far as I know. Since learning about this and applying it in my life, people tend to say to me..."You're so well organized." It was one of the good things I got out of being around Scientology.
Okay. So, we got married on a Tuesday night, after course, at the Org. I moved into his house. When the weekend came, I thought we would be able to spend some time together, but no.....his friend was out of town for the weekend and he didn't want to leave his friend's wife alone, so he went and spent his time with her. I really got the idea that he really wanted her, but she was married and I was kind of a substitute. Within a few days we had so many differences and weren't getting along at all. I said.....let's do TRs. See if we can settle some of this down and maybe communicate here. So, we sat down to do TRs. In a few minutes he quit. He said there were palm fronds coming out of my head and he wasn't going to do any more TRs with me.
Vicki Samler, the doctor who was a Scientologist giving me the B12 shots, told me I should do the Purif. I didn't have any money. But when I married this guy, he had a good job and the Reg got ahold of him and convinced him that I really needed the Purif and he should pay for it for me since he was my husband. Well, he didn't have the cash, so he took me to some loan company who lent him the money, using his truck for collateral and he paid for my Purif. Since I'd lost my job, I started on the Purif full time....I was going to haul thru this and get done with it fast so I spent about 8 hrs a day in the box.
Within about a week, he announced to me that he made a mistake and he didn't really want to be married to me and he wanted me to move out.
There was no talking about it or discussing it or anything - just OUT! He was also pissed off at me because I was 40 yrs old and not successful financially. Now, I'm out of a job, on the Purif, no money to get a place to live, so I called my father and asked him if I could come stay at his house for a while. He said sure. (He had told me after my mother died, that the house was now half mine, but I wasn't supposed to be around him because he was an SP, right?) He also was married now and I didn't want to infringe on that, but having no other alternative, I packed the car and moved all my stuff to my father's house and took up living in my mother's bedroom, which no one used, probably because she died there. :ghost:
When I next saw him at the Org, he said...."Where did you go?" I said...."I moved out". He said...."I came home and you were gone...I didn't expect you to leave so soon."
He filed for the divorce. He got involved with another female at the Org. She ran the same trip on him that he ran on me and he was devistated. Karma?Well, now I was even more in debt because I now owed him for my Purif.
I continued with the Purif and got to a point where I suddenly decided I would register with a temp agency and get temp jobs so that I could reach a lot of different people and disseminate and make a living as an FSM. I made a postulate for a job where I would meet someone who would be interested in Scientology and would come do services at the Org.
I got a temp job and within a couple of days I was in a conversation with my boss there about the Purif. He said he knew all about Scientology and LRH and he wouldn't have anything to do with THAT!!!.
I told him that the bad stuff that he read was all lies and said....if you'd like to learn more about it, to let me know and I walked away and went back to my desk. Within about 5 minutes, he was at my desk asking me questions. I asked him if he'd like to make an appointment to go hear a lecture. He said sure....I called the Org and got it set up for him to go in. He went and got started on a mini course. When he came back to the office the next day, he said....I'd really like to do this, but I don't have any money. So, I told him about postulates and we made a postulate that he would have the money and he was quite happy about that.
Within about 2 weeks he somehow got the $ and paid for his Bridge up to Clear....training, auditing, books, meter...the whole nine yards.
The Reg told me I was going to be getting a commission check. This guy was really gung ho for a little while. Then his wife started giving him a bad time about Scientology. He tried to handle her for a while.....then after a couple of months I was told he was trying to get his money back. I felt bad about that.....I still thought it was the only road out.Okay, now I'm in a quandry as to how to spend this FSM commission. I needed a car badly because I was still borrowing a car from my father. But I also owed my ex for the Purif. I talked to the Reg about it. Of course, he said.....the car is just mest....you can get another car. He talked me into putting the money back on account - my ex's account, since he had put money on my account, then I would return money onto his account. When the check came thru, the Reg wouldn't even let me see the front of it. He came into the Purif and had me endorse the back of it over to the Org and went and put the $ on my ex's acct. When my ex found out about it, he hit the roof. He wanted the money back to pay off his loan that he'd taken out for me.
My ex had been on Foundation staff, but routed off. He went on and was getting auditing - his grades. In the middle of his grades somewhere he originated Clear. Eventually he insisted hard enough and they let him attest.
Several years later I was talking to someone and mentioned his name and was told that when he went to do his OT Preps, they wanted a lot more money from him. He refused and then asked for his money back. I was told he was a refund cycle and that he had a criminal background - freebasing cocaine.
He had been pretty gung ho. He came in thru Narconon....said it saved his life since he'd lost home, wife, everything but his truck to drugs, which he traded for the Narconon cycle. Then went on to Scientology. It obviously helped him for a while - he got back on his feet and got accepted back in his field and was making good money. I guess it all fell apart when he went to do his OT Levels. I couldn't understand why he would want a refund when he said it had saved his life. :confused2: I continued on with the Purif. I was on it a long time - about 6 months. The only other person on it that long was the ED. When I was in the box, all kinds of stuff was going on with me, but when I came out of the sauna and cooled down, I couldn't remember what had gone on in the sauna, so I took my paper in the sauna and wrote what was going on while I was in there. I had nice yucky soggy papers to turn into the C/S everyday. I think I ate a bag of chocolate everyday during my stay in the sauna. One day I was out running - I tripped and fell on the sidewalk and cut my chin open and wandered back to the sauna dripping blood all over the place.
I did notice that my typing speed improved at work while I was on the Purif.
I'd had my tonsils out about 20 yrs previous to the Purif and when a cold wind would blow, it would hurt my ears after I had my tonsils out. That did disappear on the Purif.....that was a nice win...that was worth doing the Purif to get rid of that problem.
I love shrimp scampi and one day I got this bright idea.
I brought a pan, shrimp, butter, salt and garlic with me to the sauna and I placed it on top of the hot rocks to cook. We had a party. Only trouble was that there was someone there that couldn't stand the small of garlic. They went and complained about it and the next day when I came to the Purif, there was a sign on the door that read - NO COOKING IN THE SAUNA. Oh, well....it was fun for one day.I was on the maximum doses for vitamins and niacin - 5000 niacin a day. I couldn't seem to find the end of the Purif. What I thought was drug restim was a toxic overdose of vitamin A.
I got involved with one of the guys on the Purif. Turned out he was in the country illegally because his visa had run out and he didn't want to go back to where he came from. He was working under the table for some Scientologist because he couldn't work in this country legally and he was being paid less than fair wages so he was really broke.
The Org had sold him the Purif with the idea that his life would get better. They took all the money he had and left him really struggling. He was a bit BIs after he finished the Purif. He'd been in session and said something to the auditor that the auditor couldn't have and he was really upset about the auditor's TRs.
He was acting funny and said that he had a withhold. I tried to get him to tell me about it, but he wouldn't. He said he'd have to kill me if he told me.
He couldn't mean that. So, I pushed him to tell me thinking that it might help him to tell somebody. He suddenly looked at me with the strongest hate flow I've ever experienced and told me that he had raped and killed a 10 year old child. :shock:
I tried to keep my TRs in, but I think I turned to stone for a minute. Then he yelled at me....See your TRs aren't that good! I was horrified. After a minute he looked at me and said....You believed me didn't you? I'd never hurt a fly....I love children. Now, I was really confused. I was dumbfounded. I didn't know what to say or do. I left, went to the Purif for the day and that night I slept on the Purif floor. I was afraid to leave the Org. What if he decided to kill me after telling me that?
I went to the Ethics Officer and told him what this guy had said. The EO just said....Oh, he's just telling stories, don't pay any attention to him. I had such mixed feelings about this guy....I was now terrified of him, but I still felt sorry for him because of the situation he was in financially....he was trying to find someone to marry him so that he could stay in the country and finally the girl next door to him married him. It was convenient because he could just jump over the back fence if someone came to her door to find him....and it looked like he was living with her and her mom.
I called immigration to see what they would do if they caught up with him. They said they couldn't be bothered with any illegals unless they had committed a crime because there were too many of them in the country. When I told him that I had called immigration, he caved in big time. That scared the sh_t out of him. I told him they wouldn't bother him unless he committed a crime.
I lent him my Volunteer Minister's Handbook so that he could work on the conditions. I still thought there had to be some hope for this guy. He went to work diligently and started on the condition of confusion. He said he cognited that he was an SP and that made him feel even worse, but he did start to dig himself out of it and got to work again and I got my book back. Working on the conditions did help him. He came to the conclusion that Scientology just introverted people and he didn't want it any more. I still was scared to death of him because of what he had told me and to this day I still don't know if he really did that or not.
He was a real wierd duck. Shortly before he told me all this stuff, he came to visit me at my father's house...my father was out of town at the time. He went out and peed on the tree out front of the house. I said....You're going to get arrested doing that. He also peed in his own back yard and his roommates were a bit upset with him. He said his father taught him to do that....to put back in the earth that which you took from it. Totally different culture. He couldn't get used to our culture. He hated wearing shoes too...and people wouldn't let him come into stores barefoot....he hated that. He was like a fish out of water in the US. He complained about the US and I finally got mad and told him if he didn't like it here, he could just go back where he came from. I met some really strange people in Scientology.
After this fiasco, I didn't want to go back in the box. I told the IC that I didn't want to continue with the Purif any more. I'd been on it for 6 months and that was enough. One of the reasons I stayed on it so long was that there was a gal who had done the Purif and had to come back and redo it because she said she hadn't really completed it and they made her pay for it again - half the price, but stilll.....I didn't want to have to pay for it again. I couldn't pay for it again....didn't have any more money. I was told I had to continue going in the box. I refused. I was sent to Qual. I was told to go back in the box.
nope. I was sent to Ethics and was threatened with some sort of ethics action. I told them....forget it....I'm not going to die for you guys. I was actually scared to go back in the box. I was afraid my body couldn't take it any more. They quit pressuring me to go back in the box, but I didn't attest to anything. I was not feeling great and my life was a mess. I went to get my blood tested. I had bugs in it. I was in pain and I went to a chiropractor .....that was expensive. I ended up paying over $2,000 in chiropractic bills and about $3,000 in dental bills after I got off the Purif. My liver was in overwhelm and it's never been the same since.
I was miserable. I was in so much pain that I would lie down on the floor at work in agony, waiting for the pain to subside. I think the Purif can be dangerous without there being a physician...an MD to monitor people while they are doing it. I was told the heat can cause bones to slip around also, so it would be a good idea to have a chiropractor on board as well as an MD.
I smoked before I got on the Purif, but by the time I was done, I was smoking a whole lot more - 2 - 3 packs a day. I didn't see how one could possibly attest to being free of toxins if one was smoking all the time.
When I was refusing to go back in the box anymore, I was sent to Ethics and besides being threatened with an ethics order, I was also reemed up one side and down the other for living at my father's house....there was a lot of pressure put on me to move out...I was belittled for living there. I never could figure out why it was so bad to be living with one's family. Then I was told I was a no case gain and I was threatened with being thrown out of Scientology. :shock:
The fear was intense. I was stressed to the max along with everything else that was going on in my life. Somewhere in here, my father's wife decided that she wanted to drive the car that my father had bought for me when I was trustee of the family trust. It was a Seville and she liked it better than her own car, so my father let her have that car and let me drive her car. Well, then she decided to give her car to her mother and so my father told me he would buy me another car and I could pay him back for it and we went car shopping and I got a car, so I now had car payments on top of everything else.
After the Ethics Officer read me the riot act, I went home scared, worried. Right after this, one morning my father's wife came to me and knocked on the bathroom door. When I opened it, she said that she wanted me to move out....she wanted the house and my father to herself. My father had told me that the house was half mine, but having grown up in a house where my mother would tell me how much she didn't want me and how I had ruined her life, her marriage and her health, I had a real sore spot on this kind of thing. I didn't want to stay where I wasn't wanted and I also didn't want to interfere with my father's marriage. Now I was getting pressure from her to move out.
I went and told my father that I had to move out. He said that he just felt like a meal ticket. He looked very unhappy. I didn't know if he meant from me living there or from his wife and her grown son living there. It was okay for her son to stay there, but I had to go. I felt so guilty.
I didn't want him to feel like a meal ticket because of me. I went and got a paper and found a room for rent in some non Scientologist's house. I told him I was a Scientologist and that I didn't want to be where there were any drugs. He assured me that it was okay that I was a Scientologist and that there would be no drugs in the house. I didn't have enough money to pay him the whole rent up front, but he said he would take part of it and I rented the room from him. I went back to my father's house and loaded up my stuff in the car.
Right before I left, my father handed me a check for $200.
I needed that money real bad and he didn't want to see me go off empty handed. I really appreciated him doing that. He cared that I didn't go without. As I was going out the front door, my father came to say goodbye. His wife was there with him and she said...."Ya All come back now and visit us, ya hear?"...all sweet and nice. I thought...Yeh, sure. I hated her
My father walked out with me to the car when I was leaving. I got in the car and he stood there saying goodbye to me. He looked so sad.
I was in grief for leaving but I supressed my tears. I didn't want to leave. I wanted to stay living with my father. He had said he wasn't going to be around much longer and I wanted to spend the rest of the time he had here with him before he was gone, but I seemed to have no choice in the matter. I said goodbye knowing that I would never come back to this house again, ever. I cried all the way to the room I had rented. I was so lonely and unhappy there. I didn't go back to the Org anymore. I just went to work and back to my rented room to sleep and eat and to the chiropractor to try to get my body back into some kind of liveable shape again.
So much for the Purif.
That's enough for now.
More later.
Megalomaniac
Silver Meritorious Patron
scooter
Gold Meritorious Patron
FYI, the Order v Disorder checklist was added to the end of the then Objectives Co-Audit checksheet (I think by David Mayo) and called the Survival Rundown - dunno if it was Hubbard or Mayo or someone else but it sure did work wonders - i had it run on me and it got me cleaning up after myself for the first time ever.
I am filled with admiration for your ability to survive all you've been through, FoTi.
Thank you very very much for sharing with us and please continue.
I am filled with admiration for your ability to survive all you've been through, FoTi.
Thank you very very much for sharing with us and please continue.
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