By choosing not to look for it.
Having spent some time reading through this site, I noticed a thread regarding the hiring of children at Flag. Having recent firsthand knowledge (2007), I can assure you its not just Flag. Melbourne Org has approximately 80 staff, of which around a dozen are 16 or younger. The youngest I am aware of is 12. A form of homeschooling is conducted daily, but it is poorly enforced, leaving the children with no real education outside of Scientology study.
Hi,
I'm from Melbourne and I'd love to hear more from you. You may recognise me from my photo. Please email me or sign up and PM me.
[email protected]
You can stay anonymous. There is no problem there.
Thank you, duddins
Without giving away too much just yet, "the happy ending" involves the realisation that I, and I alone, am responsible for the attitude that I hold. About myself. About others. About everything. Somewhere in all of this, the "disease" of allowing the "reality of the past" to make me frightened of the future, to the point where I would neglect the present, has dissipated away.
I have a lot of reality on bitterness, and it is an ugly emotion. It colours ones view of life in such a way that it becomes very unlivable. I forced myself to confront this. Before Scientology. So I will not call on it again to handle Scientology. Besides, "Truth" is a better weapon against them. This I believe.
None of this is to say that dealing with the physical universe when it presents such difficult issues ones way is easy. It isn't. We all know this. But my attitude is mine, and I wont allow others to dictate how I should feel. This is closer to Total Freedom than anything Scientology is peddling, IMHO.
Neo
Wow. I remember watching the videos of those first protests right here on this message board and feeling like this is really something. I wasn't sure what, but it felt like a revolution and just by watching it I felt I was part of it. Getting you out, Neo. That was it. You and others like you. Way cool. Can't wait till the next part..........
Well Good Twin, I am another final result.
Thank you
Something else that threw me completely, was about a fortnight before my heart attack. I was collecting money from a local OTVIII, for the Basics he had received at the Event. The details he had given wouldn't work, so I contacted him. Over the next two weeks he gave me two credit card details that had insufficient money on them, and then after this, went from being approachable to a complete pain in the ass. He demanded an invoice first, then payment would arrive. This was done, against my protests to execs, then didn't pay. A week later finally got a cheque out of him.
I had never really stopped and looked at an OTVIII as an individual person before this. Always as an OTVIII. Held them on a pedestal. To me, they could do no wrong. But he did do wrong, in my book. He lied to me many times. When I queried him, he changed tack and got quite nasty about it. Then he wouldn't acknowledge me. Things that happen all the time. Things that I am more than guilty of. But I'm not OTVIII. And I make no claims to being cause over matter, energy, space, time, thoughts, etc.
I had been hoping for more than that. It actually really threw me. This is what I and all those here with me have been slaving away to help create? This is what I have to look forward too? I wasn't very happy about it, and wasn't willing to outlay over $500,000 to find out.
I remember talking to the Flag Rep at the Org about it. She didn't seem to share my concern about his behaviour. When noticing this, I referred to the LRH definition of OT, and then said 'perhaps I have an MU on what being cause over Matter, energy, Space, Time, Thoughts, etc really means.' She replied by saying 'yes, probably'. I was being sarcastic. She wasn't.
I started to get sick quite soon after this.
Neo
It's interesting reading over my own story, having written it down, and in some ways confronted it, for the first time since going through these things. What struck me at the time of it occurring, and now having read over my own story, is how the physical healing process, particularly from the cancer, was quite regulated. There were steps for me to follow, or people for me to see, or medication to take. I wasn't always okay with doing it, and when able to moved on from it. But it was there, and it did help. Which was probably a lot of the appeal of the Bridge to me. I remember when I was first shown it. I remember trying to fit it into my then current point of view regarding 'enlightenment', which I had a somewhat shaky concept of from the Buddhist philosophy. Terms like OT, Clear, exteriorisation, all made sense to me, because I had a prior concept of them.
I was basically hearing what I wanted to hear. I was moving out of a very vulnerable time in my life, and I had very little critical thinking capacity. I had learnt to put that aside as I healed from the cancer. Follow the steps, see the specialists, take the medication. When you get to then end, you'll be better. And I obviously had this mind set when I came across the Bridge, and walked straight into the trap.
I wanted these things to be real. I wanted to be able to follow certain steps, and be better, or healthier, when I reached the end. It had worked for me before. I think a whole lot of uncertainties and insecurities needed to be confronted if I was really going to survive, because the greatest threat my health ever faced was the Co$.
So when it happened again, and I found myself lying on the operating table for the second time, I guess all of the above just hit me, and refused to remain unconfronted. You follow the steps, you do as your told, you become a robot. And that did not fit at all with any concept I have ever held about 'enlightenment'.
A one-size-fits-all Bridge is not a path to Total Freedom. Heavy ethics is nothing but a make wrong and a control mechanism of the most perverse nature. I have seen people put into liability for the dumbest things. I have seen people allowed out of liability because they were needed back on post. I have seen Flag trained sups unable to learn anything new, or confront 'fixed ideas'. I have seen trained auditors who haven't moved on the Bridge for fifteen years. Using pain killers so they can take their PC into session and be able to keep their TR's in. Week-in, week-out.
Looking back now I know I saw things I did not like. I avoided ethics, primarily by producing. But also by making sure my indicators were what they wanted to see. You can't be free in such a system. You can be a robot. And it occurred to me that robots were what they were after. And that wasn't the path I was willing to walk anymore.
I drifted away in spirit far earlier than I drifted away in body. I was having disagreements. I would always put it down to personality differences. But behind these so called personality differences were really differences in interpretation of policy. And I had seen that game played out before.
I was brought up in an evangelical Christian environment. My father is a Christian church minister (another red flag), and I witnessed many arguments that related to nothing more than people picking their favourite verses to highlight errors in the others point of view. And you can argue almost anything with the bible. I know, I learnt to. It became a hobby of mine. Wait until the other person said something then disagree, and show them where in the bible that made them wrong.
I've never been comfortable with the role of religion in my life. I liked the idea of searching for meaning/god/peace (call it what you will). I don't know why I've liked this, or felt the need to search in the first place. But if I'm going to do this, I prefer to establish my own path. Observe others. Ask questions. Remain flexible. Religion doesn't allow for this. So how did I fall for Scientology? Not sure, but an author I have recently read, Christopher Hitchens, sums it up best when he says 'Religion poisons everything'. I would argue that perhaps this is due to the fact that a religion, being a group, must be lead by someone. And often that someone is a megalomaniac. And this can become the worse of scenarios because religions deal with peoples most basic longings and needs. And to hand the fulfillment of these over to someone of that nature is asking for trouble. Thus, religions poison everything. It shouldn't be this way. It probably doesn't need to be this way. But it does tend to be this way.
When I was recovering from the heart attack, as I was following the above mentioned pattern of following the steps laid out for me, seeing the people I needed to see, taking the medication I needed to take, something did begin to shift for me. I didn't realise it at the time. It's one of the things I only recently noticed.
I was quite happy to follow the above pattern. It certainly helped as I was feeling quite overwhelmed with my situation. But as I got better, I started to research into my condition. I did a lot of research. I read lots of differing points of view. I made notes. I looked for similarities and differences. I looked for documentation to verify research. In a nutshell - I was beginning to regain my critical thinking capacity. I had hardly used it in about five years. I believe that this process played a very decisive role in my willingness to do the same with the subject of Scientology, and more precisely, the Church of Scientology. And once I started, I couldn't stop.
Neo
Thank you, I'm glad you like it
And I'm glad it is helping you, and others. After reading other's stories here, I thought mine was bland, too. I didn't know where it fit in the bigger picture. But writing it all down has helped tie a lot of loose ends together. And it does seem like a bit of an adventure, now from my current perspective!
Thanks for your post. I appreciate it.
Neo
All lies in jest, till a man hears what he wants to hear and disregards the rest
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lWUCoJJS2DU
Again. Thank you
Zinj
I first noticed the Anonymous protests through an art website that I was using earlier this year. There were photos from the London protest. Hundreds of people. Wearing masks. With signs mentioning problems related to Scientology. Such as Xenu. Here we go again, I thought. This was over a month before I wrote my letters. I hated my local scene. I was deeply troubled by the hypocrisy of it all. But I still "felt" like a Scientologist. I still trusted LRH. Things were not right, but what exactly?
I heard reports from a friend on staff about the local protest. I was only on staff one day per week, and kept a distance between me and things Scientology outside of my staff duties. I made no mention of knowing about the worldwide protests.
The second round of protests happened. My recalcitrance was being confronted. Something is not right here. I can't ignore this anymore. This was the first time the doubts started to come together, and stay together. "Why is Scientology continually pulling in all of these critics, and protests?" I couldn't shake this thought. It was fundamental to my moving forward. I knew that Scientology had dissenters. I knew there were squirrels. I knew they had critics. But, generally, I bought the lie that they were the problem. I bought this lie because it served me to believe it. But I was holding onto Scientology because I did see some truth to it. It wasn't just pure gullibility. It had some sincerity mixed in with it. And one of those "truths" that I found hard to release was the concept, as taught within Scientology, of personal responsibility. If I am responsible for what I "pull in", why aren't the same standards being applied to the Church itself? These things are occurring to it. They have some responsibility for it, surely? Scientology wasn't blameless. Scientology wasn't pure. And I had just had a heart attack. I had earned the right to decide for myself whether I would investigate the matter further or not.
Whilst I was recovering from the heart attack, I spent a lot of time researching health issues. I started reading lots of data. Thousands of pages. Cross referencing information. Fact checking, as much as possible. Looking for similarities, points of agreements between various documents, as well as inconsistencies in the data. Basically, I was learning to think critically once again. I hadn't done very much of this for almost five years. But now, I spent most of my time away from the org. I dealt with non-Scientologists. I saw the real world. And I remembered that "I" existed prior to Scientology. And for all the fear of those times, I still survived. And Scientology had not improved upon that. There was no real, discernible, and positive difference between me of then, and the me of now.
Whilst on the internet researching my heart condition, I allowed myself to stray into "forbidden" territory. I Googled Xenu. I wanted to know the truth of the OTIII story. I had bought the lie that it was not a part of the Scientology OT levels, and was in fact a lie of the critics. That lie remained in my head so long as I believed Scientology. I no longer did. Not fully. Over the next week, I spent all of my time on the internet. Before too long I found Ex-Scientologist Message Board. This site grabbed my attention more than any others, as important as they all are. The others, except ESK, tended to be very militant, to my thinking at the time. I just couldn't relate. But ESMB appealed to me. There were stories here. From real people. This IS what forced me to confront my situation. I could continually justify the Church of Scientology misleading me. Responsibility, and all of that. But these stories weren't mine. And I felt helpless as a result. And I did not get involved in Scientology to become helpless. There was no question in my head about the validity of these stories. I could tell they were written from the heart and soul. And I was deeply troubled by what I was reading. I had no idea I was a part of such an organisation.
I quickly learnt that David Miscavige, and the whole management structure of Scientology was corrupt. DM was clearly the focal point of it all. And I quickly learnt to accept the reality of this situation. But as I learnt about how LRH really was, it became too much. I took a long time to even consider any tech. He was a fraud, so it was all fraudulent. The pendulum swung severely. It has taken me several months to assimilate the data to the point where I can accept that people, myself included, actually could have benefitted from the tech. And it benefits no one for me to write them off for it.
But the Church, and L Ron Hubbard, have crimes they need to be held accountable for. Two different ball games. I have learnt to see that now. Mostly.
And thus began the next phase of my life.
(Stay tuned - theres laughter and smiles, some joy and happy moments. New knowledge. New experiences. Who would have thought that such a world exists outside of my head )
(still more)
Neo