New here. Need help with leaving

[xkcd]

My bad. Just catching up.

No biggie. That Sea Org experience sounds horrifying, by the way.

 

[Adam7986]

We received a letter from her dad, in his own handwriting, along with a check for money. This is not uncommon, as he typically sends her money every month to help her with the bills. The letter asks how she's doing and mentions he can't get a hold of her through convenient ways like phone and Facebook (even though his account blocked her) and mentions something about him trying to come down for a cave trip. It says that she's always his girl and that he cares. There is no mention of Scientology anywhere.

She's upset and conflicted about what to do. My advice is to mail him a letter or email and tell him the truth. Tell about the abuses, what she really thinks about her stepmom, and say that she doesn't want to be in Scientology anymore. If he really does care, he would respect her decision and still keep in touch. But I want to see what you guys would do.

What I would recommend is take the money and don't say a word in return. Eventually a confrontation will have to happen, but allow it to be on your own terms and not on his terms. He's avoiding Scientology because there is training in Scientology called "good roads, good weather" where you try to keep in touch with someone but avoid contentious subjects. In this case the subject being Scientology.

What they are going to try to do if she does respond, and regardless of what she says, is convince her that you are the reason for everything bad that has happened or will happen to her. They will try to get her to leave you and go move in with them. Right now among each other they are no doubt discussing you and how you are the reason for her blowing from the cult. She should definitely avoid contact with her family until she is strong enough and ready to have a confrontation. That day may never come and she may just want to let it fizzle out and that's okay too.

Just like an abusive spouse, they will do any say anything to break her away from her contacts outside of Scientology and to get her under their control.

 

[Adam7986]

No biggie. That Sea Org experience sounds horrifying, by the way.

It was pretty bad, I'm not gonna lie. I've been through the ringer. I'm alright now though, for the most part. Two years of therapy have been helpful.

 

[xkcd]

What I would recommend is take the money and don't say a word in return. Eventually a confrontation will have to happen, but allow it to be on your own terms and not on his terms. He's avoiding Scientology because there is training in Scientology called "good roads, good weather" where you try to keep in touch with someone but avoid contentious subjects. In this case the subject being Scientology.

What they are going to try to do if she does respond, and regardless of what she says, is convince her that you are the reason for everything bad that has happened or will happen to her. They will try to get her to leave you and go move in with them. Right now among each other they are no doubt discussing you and how you are the reason for her blowing from the cult. She should definitely avoid contact with her family until she is strong enough and ready to have a confrontation. That day may never come and she may just want to let it fizzle out and that's okay too.

Just like an abusive spouse, they will do any say anything to break her away from her contacts outside of Scientology and to get her under their control.

She did mention that they were probably trying to do that "good roads, good weather" crap.

 

[Adam7986]

She did mention that they were probably trying to do that "good roads, good weather" crap.

Yeah man. Dealing with Scientologists, to be perfectly honest, is one of the most frustrating, annoying, horrifying things that you ever have to do. It's never ceases to amaze me some of the things they say and I was in the cult from age 5 or 6 until I was 26.

They all have this dead eyed stare and they literally tune out while talking to you. They will repeat everything like robots. They don't act or respond like normal human beings, so there's not really any way to deal with them other than to cut them off. Otherwise they'll eventually drive you insane.

The only reason I said take the money is because why not. If you want to stand on principle and refuse it I know probably about 50% of people would. If my dad sent me money with a note I would throw the note away and cash the check somewhere. I wouldn't deposit it in a bank account or even cash it at your bank. One of those Check 'n' Go places or Western Union or something--even a grocery store.

 

[xkcd]

Oh yeah, she said she was just going to cash it at Kroger.

 

[Adam7986]

Oh yeah, she said she was just going to cash it at Kroger.

Well she is very smart and y'all are very smart. You seem to be dealing with this perfectly. I'm so happy she has you for support. You sound like a good man. The tough part is when the conversations have to happen, but you can avoid that for the time being. I take it her parents don't live very close?

 

[Mick Wenlock]

She did mention that they were probably trying to do that "good roads, good weather" crap.

That is probably true - but it IS a way for her dad to stay in touch with her. I would suggest adopting the same policy for the moment - have your lady reply to the letter with the same sort of thing - no mention of scientology no mention of bad things about her step mom, just how nice it is to hear from him. Wait and see what happens. And oh yes, have her cash the check,

 

[Adam7986]

I'm not sure if you knew this was a risk before you posted here, but you probably have a few weeks before they find your post here. Based on my experience I'd say maybe around late October or November they should catch up with your posts here. I posted in Feb 2012 and they caught up with me around mid-April 2012. By then her parents will be confronted with the post anyway and they'll probably just suddenly stop bothering you.

 

[prosecco]

We received a letter from her dad, in his own handwriting, along with a check for money. This is not uncommon, as he typically sends her money every month to help her with the bills. The letter asks how she's doing and mentions he can't get a hold of her through convenient ways like phone and Facebook (even though his account blocked her) and mentions something about him trying to come down for a cave trip. It says that she's always his girl and that he cares. There is no mention of Scientology anywhere.

She's upset and conflicted about what to do. My advice is to mail him a letter or email and tell him the truth. Tell about the abuses, what she really thinks about her stepmom, and say that she doesn't want to be in Scientology anymore. If he really does care, he would respect her decision and still keep in touch. But I want to see what you guys would do.

Is the money he gives her on the understanding that she works for scientology? Lots of parents help out financially as no one can make ends meet on staff pay alone. There may also be an element of selfishness as they can use the financial support as evidence of their own devotion, for instance when they go onto higher levels or when in trouble.

Personally, I wouldn't get into a huge confrontation. If he says the money comes with strings, well, then she has to make a decision.

Most likely he is going to try and talk her back into going on staff, but who knows? Maybe he just wants to maintain a relationship with her, so I would suggest that she keeps it superficial. It's at least a foundation and a starting point.

 

[xkcd]

Is the money he gives her on the understanding that she works for scientology? Lots of parents help out financially as no one can make ends meet on staff pay alone. There may also be an element of selfishness as they can use the financial support as evidence of their own devotion, for instance when they go onto higher levels or when in trouble.

Personally, I wouldn't get into a huge confrontation. If he says the money comes with strings, well, then she has to make a decision.

Most likely he is going to try and talk her back into going on staff, but who knows? Maybe he just wants to maintain a relationship with her, so I would suggest that she keeps it superficial. It's at least a foundation and a starting point.

Probably. He didn't send too much this time. Just $50. He usually sends $250. Even so, she could make MUCH more money with her writing career now that she doesn't have to devote her time to that cult.

 

[Enthetan]

We received a letter from her dad, in his own handwriting, along with a check for money. This is not uncommon, as he typically sends her money every month to help her with the bills. The letter asks how she's doing and mentions he can't get a hold of her through convenient ways like phone and Facebook (even though his account blocked her) and mentions something about him trying to come down for a cave trip. It says that she's always his girl and that he cares. There is no mention of Scientology anywhere.

She's upset and conflicted about what to do. My advice is to mail him a letter or email and tell him the truth. Tell about the abuses, what she really thinks about her stepmom, and say that she doesn't want to be in Scientology anymore. If he really does care, he would respect her decision and still keep in touch. But I want to see what you guys would do.

I would recommend against going too heavy at this stage. The communication from girlfriend to dad should be along the lines of "Not on staff any more, too stressful. Love you, thanks for the check, look forward to seeing you".

What he's really communicating is that he values his relationship with his daughter over all other considerations. Go with that.

 

[Enthetan]

Oh yeah, she said she was just going to cash it at Kroger.

Good idea. It's probably a good idea to NOT have them know your bank account #. Although, if she deposited prior checks into your common account, he could know by simply looking at old returned check images.

If it's going to be a regular thing, she could avoid the charges that check cashing places impose by opening a savings account at another bank, to be used just for depositing such checks and then withdrawing cash from.

 

[Enthetan]

I would recommend against going too heavy at this stage. The communication from girlfriend to dad should be along the lines of "Not on staff any more, too stressful. Love you, thanks for the check, look forward to seeing you".

What he's really communicating is that he values his relationship with his daughter over all other considerations. Go with that.

Alternately, even if he's just going "good roads, good weather", it's still a way to maintain the relationship with dad. It's possible he's been told to do this as the start of a campaign to turn her around. With good and honest communication, it's just as likely that she would turn HIM around.

ADDING: the comm line being "letter only" at this point bothers me, in that it's possible he's being told what to write, and not being allowed to read the reply. If he really wants to reach her directly, he should be able to figure out a way.

 

[Maria]

We received a letter from her dad, in his own handwriting, along with a check for money. This is not uncommon, as he typically sends her money every month to help her with the bills. The letter asks how she's doing and mentions he can't get a hold of her through convenient ways like phone and Facebook (even though his account blocked her) and mentions something about him trying to come down for a cave trip. It says that she's always his girl and that he cares. There is no mention of Scientology anywhere.

She's upset and conflicted about what to do. My advice is to mail him a letter or email and tell him the truth. Tell about the abuses, what she really thinks about her stepmom, and say that she doesn't want to be in Scientology anymore. If he really does care, he would respect her decision and still keep in touch. But I want to see what you guys would do.

As a stepmother myself, I wouldn't say anything against her. She may be a monster, or she may only seem one because of scientology. In any case he is living with her and she has enough power over him to totaly damage whatever relationship you may want with your dad. If having a relationship with him is important for you, I'll do as others have suggested, a short note should be enough.

Keep strong, this should be in the past soon.

 

[Enthetan]

One more thing: if you ever DO receive communication from Dad where he appears to be bypassing Scn attempts to control the communication, DO NOT POST THAT FACT HERE, as this thread may be (and likely is) being monitored by OSA.

Except of course if the communication from him is "Leaving Scientology, fuck you DM"

 

[Intentionally Blank]

We received a letter from her dad, in his own handwriting, along with a check for money. This is not uncommon, as he typically sends her money every month to help her with the bills. The letter asks how she's doing and mentions he can't get a hold of her through convenient ways like phone and Facebook (even though his account blocked her) and mentions something about him trying to come down for a cave trip. It says that she's always his girl and that he cares. There is no mention of Scientology anywhere.

She's upset and conflicted about what to do. My advice is to mail him a letter or email and tell him the truth. Tell about the abuses, what she really thinks about her stepmom, and say that she doesn't want to be in Scientology anymore. If he really does care, he would respect her decision and still keep in touch. But I want to see what you guys would do.

That is probably true - but it IS a way for her dad to stay in touch with her. I would suggest adopting the same policy for the moment - have your lady reply to the letter with the same sort of thing - no mention of scientology no mention of bad things about her step mom, just how nice it is to hear from him. Wait and see what happens. And oh yes, have her cash the check,

I would recommend against going too heavy at this stage. The communication from girlfriend to dad should be along the lines of "Not on staff any more, too stressful. Love you, thanks for the check, look forward to seeing you".

What he's really communicating is that he values his relationship with his daughter over all other considerations. Go with that.

Yes and Yes to both these suggestions ^^^

It also wouldn't hurt to include "It would be awesome to connect on FB. You must have accidentally blocked me.....?"

 

[oneonewasaracecar]

The Hare Krishnas used to give people flowers at airports then ask for a donation. The reason is that if someone gives you a gift, you have a natural inclination to do something in return.

If you cannot or don't want to give a donation, you have an inclination to feel guilt.

This is a deliberate trick that they perform. Possibly Scientology is using 'Hare tech' to run you here.

If you have your boundaries are clear in your own mind it won't be a problem, you'll just feel uncomfortable when you say no. Just make sure you don't hesitate to say no if that's what you really want.

You may want to rehearse a few polite responses so that you are more comfortable saying them when the time comes.

As ever, good luck.

 

[NoName]

The Hare Krishnas used to give people flowers at airports then ask for a donation. The reason is that if someone gives you a gift, you have a natural inclination to do something in return.

If you cannot or don't want to give a donation, you have an inclination to feel guilt.

This is a deliberate trick that they perform. Possibly Scientology is using 'Hare tech' to run you here.

If you have your boundaries are clear in your own mind it won't be a problem, you'll just feel uncomfortable when you say no. Just make sure you don't hesitate to say no if that's what you really want.

You may want to rehearse a few polite responses so that you are more comfortable saying them when the time comes.

As ever, good luck.

And negative reciprocity works along the same lines - someone tells you to fuck off and you loose th inclination to be pleasant to them. The cult ***counts on this***.

This is how I broke a disconnection - be proactive about communication rather than reactive. Initiate the communication on positive terms (Dear Dad, just sending you a note to tell you I love you). Don't react negatively, and only engage the communication you want to engage - don't feel obligated to ack anything about Swinetology. Basically, keep positive communication going to your father and pretend your relationship is healthy.

I'm completely serious, someone fairly low on the Bridge disconnected from me and I kept bringing them gifts (mostly home cooking), sending them cards, texting positive thoughts.... The disconnection lasted a total of three months, that was a tough person to crack because I had caused them to be sec checked with an inch of their life. Theyre now out.

There was another OT 3 who works at the Org who is related to a friend. They refused to grant me beingness at a social gathering and I broke them after 30 minutes of addressing them directly in conversation.

Totally possible if you focus on initiating positive communication and don't react to hurtful things.

 

[Claire Swazey]

The Hare Krishnas used to give people flowers at airports then ask for a donation. The reason is that if someone gives you a gift, you have a natural inclination to do something in return.

If you cannot or don't want to give a donation, you have an inclination to feel guilt.

This is a deliberate trick that they perform. Possibly Scientology is using 'Hare tech' to run you here.

If you have your boundaries are clear in your own mind it won't be a problem, you'll just feel uncomfortable when you say no. Just make sure you don't hesitate to say no if that's what you really want.

You may want to rehearse a few polite responses so that you are more comfortable saying them when the time comes.

As ever, good luck.

Maybe he's a Dad who still likes his kid.