On the Fence! ! !
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jase12321
Patron with Honors
Today was the day. . . Today was MY day. . .
After hours of reading through my TRs and Objectives Folder, something snapped. . . I wondered, do I really have to spend my time learning to control another human being? or be controlled. . . Fuck the TRs. . . I needed some headspace. . . All i've thought about all day long for weeks is Scientology. Hubbard. Applying the Tech. . .
I ripped up my course binders. . . I trashed everything. . Books, folders, dvds, audio books. . .
the last few eeeks, i've read the following books:
Bare-faced Messiah. . .
Madman or Messiah. . .
The Complex. . .
Scandal of Scientology. . .
the brainwashing manual (referred to in Madman or messiah)
ive watched the jason beghe videos over and over. . and tory magoo videos. . ive searched through xenu.net among many others. . .
but today was MY day of Power. . . It's all gone. ..
I feel absolutely awful. . . but it's all gone. . . except my gold scientology necklace. . that i'm keeping. . . i don't know why. maybe i'm desperate ti cling to something. i thought i'd feel better when it was all gone. and i didn't ahve to face it anymore. . . but i feel awful. . . i don't know what to do with myself. . .
what did you guys do to clear your mind. .? ?
everything is scientology. . . scientology is all encompassing. . .
how do you cleanse your self?? I feel dirty. . . gritty is the right word. . .
my apologies if this post seems a little left. i was hoping for a cathartic piece of literature. . . i can still go back. i could still take one more course if i wanted to. . . i'm choosing not to. but i feel safe that the options still there. .
i'm just getting some breathing space. having a look around. maybe i'll find myself back in the course room. its where i always find myself. . .
i think i'm ready to move on. . . one step at a time.
Well, today was one giant leap. . . Today was My day.
After hours of reading through my TRs and Objectives Folder, something snapped. . . I wondered, do I really have to spend my time learning to control another human being? or be controlled. . . Fuck the TRs. . . I needed some headspace. . . All i've thought about all day long for weeks is Scientology. Hubbard. Applying the Tech. . .
I ripped up my course binders. . . I trashed everything. . Books, folders, dvds, audio books. . .
the last few eeeks, i've read the following books:
Bare-faced Messiah. . .
Madman or Messiah. . .
The Complex. . .
Scandal of Scientology. . .
the brainwashing manual (referred to in Madman or messiah)
ive watched the jason beghe videos over and over. . and tory magoo videos. . ive searched through xenu.net among many others. . .
but today was MY day of Power. . . It's all gone. ..
I feel absolutely awful. . . but it's all gone. . . except my gold scientology necklace. . that i'm keeping. . . i don't know why. maybe i'm desperate ti cling to something. i thought i'd feel better when it was all gone. and i didn't ahve to face it anymore. . . but i feel awful. . . i don't know what to do with myself. . .
what did you guys do to clear your mind. .? ?
everything is scientology. . . scientology is all encompassing. . .
how do you cleanse your self?? I feel dirty. . . gritty is the right word. . .
my apologies if this post seems a little left. i was hoping for a cathartic piece of literature. . . i can still go back. i could still take one more course if i wanted to. . . i'm choosing not to. but i feel safe that the options still there. .
i'm just getting some breathing space. having a look around. maybe i'll find myself back in the course room. its where i always find myself. . .
i think i'm ready to move on. . . one step at a time.
Well, today was one giant leap. . . Today was My day.
Alanzo
Bardo Tulpa
You let yourself feel the feelings that you are feeling.
You allow yourself to consider a big, wide open world that is all open to you now.
You give yourself some slack.
And you realize that you are free.
Then you study logic and critical thinking, allow yourself to evaluate the news without rejecting it outright because its the news, and you practice not using the terminology any more.
You realize that you belong to your community, your town, your country and your world. And to the whole human race.
Then you decide how important the relationships are that you have with other human beings and animals in your life, and you go and enjoy them.
This time, without a circus hawker's philosophy getting in the way.
Last edited:
EP - Ethics Particle
Gold Meritorious Patron
Just take a good look around...
As are the remainder of your days, Jase.
I find that enjoying cocktail hour...being a bit late to appointments...staying up late or getting up early...just because I feel like it...
Little things mean a lot, don't they?
Well done, by the way.
EP
As are the remainder of your days, Jase.
I find that enjoying cocktail hour...being a bit late to appointments...staying up late or getting up early...just because I feel like it...
Little things mean a lot, don't they?
Well done, by the way.
EP
Tiger Lily
Gold Meritorious Patron
Jase,
I sure do understand what you are feeling. I remember that day, when it finally cracked open being one of the worst, if not the worst, day of my life. The whole identity that I had been building for myself for 15 years was suddenly gone and I was left with all kinds of emotions: Shame, self-loathing, regrets for what I had given up. . .and the realization that the idea of freeing the planet was just a pie in the sky scam -- and I had believed it; the realization that I was not this super-valuable being that was going to make a real contribution to the future of mankind and indeed of the spiritual universe! And to see what a dupe I had been. I can't even describe some of how I felt. Horribly unsettling.
And I also remember not wanting to let go. . . in fact that process took me years. And that's OK. I packed up my books, but didn't get rid of them. I was careful not to say anything "entheta" to my Scientologist friends so as not to "enturbulate" them, I still asserted to my (non-scio) husband that Scientology was great stuff that had been corrupted, just like Christianity. It was very hard to admit that I'd been so wrong and to alter my world view so drastically so quickly.
There are probably 2 things that helped me most. One was rebuilding my "wog" life. There is a lot of joy in just living, putting your attention on the people you love and learning to see them for who they are instead of always looking for their tone-level or seeing everyone as a stupid wog or a "case". That is hugely freeing.
The second is what you are doing --reading. This board is tremendously helpful. The discussions have really helped me to sort out my thoughts and most people here really understand the experience, even if they don't agree on the details and particulars. Scientology really messes with your mind and it takes a while to extricate yourself. So just be gentle with yourself and give yourself the time to take off the layers.
I did the voracious reading that you've been doing. That's a great thing to do. And then I had to take a break for a couple of years and let it settle. Now I'm back to handle the next layer. (The basics did it for me this time).
Take it at your own pace. You will find good support here.
-TL
P.S. Very Well Done, by the way -- the first steps are the hardest.
I sure do understand what you are feeling. I remember that day, when it finally cracked open being one of the worst, if not the worst, day of my life. The whole identity that I had been building for myself for 15 years was suddenly gone and I was left with all kinds of emotions: Shame, self-loathing, regrets for what I had given up. . .and the realization that the idea of freeing the planet was just a pie in the sky scam -- and I had believed it; the realization that I was not this super-valuable being that was going to make a real contribution to the future of mankind and indeed of the spiritual universe! And to see what a dupe I had been. I can't even describe some of how I felt. Horribly unsettling.
And I also remember not wanting to let go. . . in fact that process took me years. And that's OK. I packed up my books, but didn't get rid of them. I was careful not to say anything "entheta" to my Scientologist friends so as not to "enturbulate" them, I still asserted to my (non-scio) husband that Scientology was great stuff that had been corrupted, just like Christianity. It was very hard to admit that I'd been so wrong and to alter my world view so drastically so quickly.
There are probably 2 things that helped me most. One was rebuilding my "wog" life. There is a lot of joy in just living, putting your attention on the people you love and learning to see them for who they are instead of always looking for their tone-level or seeing everyone as a stupid wog or a "case". That is hugely freeing.
The second is what you are doing --reading. This board is tremendously helpful. The discussions have really helped me to sort out my thoughts and most people here really understand the experience, even if they don't agree on the details and particulars. Scientology really messes with your mind and it takes a while to extricate yourself. So just be gentle with yourself and give yourself the time to take off the layers.
I did the voracious reading that you've been doing. That's a great thing to do. And then I had to take a break for a couple of years and let it settle. Now I'm back to handle the next layer. (The basics did it for me this time).
Take it at your own pace. You will find good support here.
-TL
P.S. Very Well Done, by the way -- the first steps are the hardest.
Free to shine
Shiny & Free
Jase,
I sure do understand what you are feeling. I remember that day, when it finally cracked open being one of the worst, if not the worst, day of my life. The whole identity that I had been building for myself for 15 years was suddenly gone and I was left with all kinds of emotions: Shame, self-loathing, regrets for what I had given up. . .and the realization that the idea of freeing the planet was just a pie in the sky scam -- and I had believed it; the realization that I was not this super-valuable being that was going to make a real contribution to the future of mankind and indeed of the spiritual universe! And to see what a dupe I had been. I can't even describe some of how I felt. Horribly unsettling.
And I also remember not wanting to let go. . . in fact that process took me years. And that's OK. I packed up my books, but didn't get rid of them. I was careful not to say anything "entheta" to my Scientologist friends so as not to "enturbulate" them, I still asserted to my (non-scio) husband that Scientology was great stuff that had been corrupted, just like Christianity. It was very hard to admit that I'd been so wrong and to alter my world view so drastically so quickly.
There are probably 2 things that helped me most. One was rebuilding my "wog" life. There is a lot of joy in just living, putting your attention on the people you love and learning to see them for who they are instead of always looking for their tone-level or seeing everyone as a stupid wog or a "case". That is hugely freeing.
The second is what you are doing --reading. This board is tremendously helpful. The discussions have really helped me to sort out my thoughts and most people here really understand the experience, even if they don't agree on the details and particulars. Scientology really messes with your mind and it takes a while to extricate yourself. So just be gentle with yourself and give yourself the time to take off the layers.
I did the voracious reading that you've been doing. That's a great thing to do. And then I had to take a break for a couple of years and let it settle. Now I'm back to handle the next layer. (The basics did it for me this time).
Take it at your own pace. You will find good support here.
-TL
P.S. Very Well Done, by the way -- the first steps are the hardest.
Excellent advice!
DCAnon
Silver Meritorious Patron
I know it's kind of scary right now, but I can't think of something more exciting than taking a leap into something new. Even when you're not exactly sure where you'll land. Take your time, you've got support if you ever need it. You've got to make up your own mind and build your own bridge, that's the real way to freedom.
There's people here who completely disagree with the tech and wouldn't touch it again with a ten foot pole. There's others who believe the tech offers some help to their lives and practice Scientology in what's called the Freezone where they can apply the parts that work outside of the abuses and harassment of the church. There's also a whole range of people in the middle. There's a lot of options for you when things settle and you figure out what you want in your life. This isn't the end of things, this is the start of something new and wonderful!
There's people here who completely disagree with the tech and wouldn't touch it again with a ten foot pole. There's others who believe the tech offers some help to their lives and practice Scientology in what's called the Freezone where they can apply the parts that work outside of the abuses and harassment of the church. There's also a whole range of people in the middle. There's a lot of options for you when things settle and you figure out what you want in your life. This isn't the end of things, this is the start of something new and wonderful!
uniquemand
Unbeliever
Congrats. What I did to get clear of Scientology, when I left, was re-engaged with the activities I enjoyed before I started Scientology. I advocate that. I'm one of those folks who, while I object to the Church of Scientology and find many flaws with rote use of the subject, didn't throw everything away immediately. I still have a few of the books tucked away somewhere. I left the Church in 1991, and then stopped trying to get back in good standing in 1995 (I'm declared, but was trying to get back in good standing so that I could have a relationship with my children and my wife). I continued to use the Scientology Handbook up through 2004, because I thought it was good stuff (still do, but I've found what I think are better alternates for everything in there).
I'm glad you're free, though, regardless of what you have to go through. Consider it growing pains. When I was a teenager leaving home, I felt similarly to how I felt leaving the Church: I no longer accepted others guidance, and that left me with a vacuum in terms of direction of my life. For a while, I wandered. I guess I still wander. From time to time, I find direction, and storm along it until I either achieve my objectives or decide that they are no longer something I want to achieve.
Uniquemand is a rolling stone.
Cohors Veritas
Patron
Instead of going back to brainwashing cult courses, why not try the course rooms of an accredited college or university? Many of them have specialized adult education courses to gain your AA, BA or BS degree. At least then you'll have something to show for you time, effort and money. And in the process you'll start to learn about the real world of academia, which is completely outside the realm of the LRH's fraudulent mind control, scifi fantasy.
Veda
Sponsor
Well, if you read this through to the bottom link, and read that - or skip to the end - you'll find that there's a happy ending, or more exactly, a happy ending/beginning.
http://www.forum.exscn.net/showpost.php?p=19183&postcount=1
Been Done Had
Patron with Honors
At this moment you are free. Free to go back to course. Free to move on. Any fear and confusion is one of the spices of freedom.
Right now you can read anything you want and communicate to anyone about anything. If you go back, your comm will be cut, the scope of your approved reading will collapse.
Remember the bridge is available outside the church if you ever want to reach for it. Just take it easy and move slowly.
Also be ready for face to face handling and recovery. Until you can look them in the eye and say NO you are still at risk.
Oh, and if you don't want to talk to anyone from the church at all, that's okay too. Feel free to hang up on anyone you want.
Right now you can read anything you want and communicate to anyone about anything. If you go back, your comm will be cut, the scope of your approved reading will collapse.
Remember the bridge is available outside the church if you ever want to reach for it. Just take it easy and move slowly.
Also be ready for face to face handling and recovery. Until you can look them in the eye and say NO you are still at risk.
Oh, and if you don't want to talk to anyone from the church at all, that's okay too. Feel free to hang up on anyone you want.
Woggin' out
Patron with Honors
Don't worry, Be happy
Many of us "exes" know exactly what you are going through as you will find as you read in some personal stories. I went through the same thing myself. You will come out of it much happier in the not too distant future. I've been out a year now and everyday I still find "tidbits" of Scio "datums" that were not part of my natural innate thinking or personality. But I can laugh about it now or shake my head in wonder. It is almost like a "reverse cognition" when it happens.
There are many "clears" and OTs" on this board that were not declared but left when they realized that the CO$ wasn't what it claimed it to be. I'm OT and have nooo super powers.
But....all the stuff in me that wanted to help and make the world better is still there. Now I don't have to pay for that privilege or have my good intentions used.
Just go out there and to use an old LRH quote (ahem) "flourish and prosper"!
Many of us "exes" know exactly what you are going through as you will find as you read in some personal stories. I went through the same thing myself. You will come out of it much happier in the not too distant future. I've been out a year now and everyday I still find "tidbits" of Scio "datums" that were not part of my natural innate thinking or personality. But I can laugh about it now or shake my head in wonder. It is almost like a "reverse cognition" when it happens.
There are many "clears" and OTs" on this board that were not declared but left when they realized that the CO$ wasn't what it claimed it to be. I'm OT and have nooo super powers.
But....all the stuff in me that wanted to help and make the world better is still there. Now I don't have to pay for that privilege or have my good intentions used.Just go out there and to use an old LRH quote (ahem) "flourish and prosper"!
EastAnon
Patron with Honors
Good advice all around.
Take a week off. Drive to the ocean and walk. Let the wind blow away the dust.
Take a loved one for a rollercoaster ride.
Call someone you haven't talked to in the last 2 centuries (or what feels like it).
Go and do some community work.
Visit an old friend, non scio.
Take active steps to free your mind. Through love, through labor, through thrills.
And talk. More then you have done. Put on paper what your thoughts are. Not necessarily to share here, but to get it clear.
I wish you luck. And love, and guts, and fun, and anything else you might need.
Take a week off. Drive to the ocean and walk. Let the wind blow away the dust.
Take a loved one for a rollercoaster ride.
Call someone you haven't talked to in the last 2 centuries (or what feels like it).
Go and do some community work.
Visit an old friend, non scio.
Take active steps to free your mind. Through love, through labor, through thrills.
And talk. More then you have done. Put on paper what your thoughts are. Not necessarily to share here, but to get it clear.
I wish you luck. And love, and guts, and fun, and anything else you might need.
Magoo
Gold Meritorious Patron
Jase..........
Isn't it A M A Z I N G to read allllllllllllllllllllllllll these fabulous posts?
CONGRATULATIONS on making the leap! My motto is:
"Leap, and the NET will appear".
Also, I have a sign on my refrigerator:
BARN'S BURnT DoWn....
NOW I CAN SEE THE MOON
I'm very proud of you, and each of the people here. They've most certainly
helped save my life, I know that--and no doubt thousands of others who we'll never hear from.
Most of the best suggestions have been made: Take your time.
Spend time here on the boards----talk----let it out, as you want to.
Also, read---there is literally *tons* of fabulous info --that shockingly,
Isn't part of C of S.
You are free....really free. Enjoy each day and pass it on
My love to you,
Tory/Magoo
Isn't it A M A Z I N G to read allllllllllllllllllllllllll these fabulous posts?
CONGRATULATIONS on making the leap! My motto is:
"Leap, and the NET will appear".
Also, I have a sign on my refrigerator:
BARN'S BURnT DoWn....
NOW I CAN SEE THE MOON
I'm very proud of you, and each of the people here. They've most certainly
helped save my life, I know that--and no doubt thousands of others who we'll never hear from.
Most of the best suggestions have been made: Take your time.
Spend time here on the boards----talk----let it out, as you want to.
Also, read---there is literally *tons* of fabulous info --that shockingly,
Isn't part of C of S.
You are free....really free. Enjoy each day and pass it on
My love to you,
Tory/Magoo
I told you I was trouble
Suspended animation
Welcome back to the 'real' world Jase12321 ...
Relax ... you have your life back now.
Relax ... you have your life back now.
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