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Paul Holland - I miss you, Dad

Discussion in 'Fair Game and Disconnection Victims' started by wiseman_of_the_watchtower, Nov 1, 2016.

  1. wiseman_of_the_watchtower

    wiseman_of_the_watchtower Patron with Honors

    Dad, you're gone, you're really really gone. And I miss you, so so much! I just awoke from a very upsetting dream in which I was trying so hard to reach you. Calling out into abstract darkness, I shouted "dad, dad!" but you did not answer.

    It has been 6 years since my father disconnected from me. Day-to-day I am able to carry on, but in dreams like the above, it all comes back to me, even with the passing of time. I am diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder that stems from the process of leaving the Scientology corporation and the enforced disconnection of my father. He might never talk to me for the rest of his life. I could have kept my mouth shut and stayed with him, but I know that would not have been the right thing to do.

    I still remember the day my declare was official. It was the weekend, and my father was at the Toronto Foundation organization studying. Two HCO staff came to the house and showed me the declare, asking me to read it while holding tightly onto it to make sure I didn't take it from them. (I think their tight grip on the paper was actually more revealing of their awareness of wrongdoing than it would have been if I had obtained it and shown it to the press). Then later that evening, my father arrived home in a really sad state. I remember how he told me that I would have to leave, he was almost crying.

    I was really close to my dad. I lived with him from birth until being recruited into the Sea Organization for two years, and for a year following that - until the disconnection. I felt more than just a father-son connection. There was a sense of alliance where I wanted to help him as much as he helped me. When we were tight on money, I refused to ask him for new things or even a weekly allowance, so that he would have the best chances of paying off debt. I never imagined life without him. It happens often that I wake up from a dream about my younger years, only to realize that he isn't there anymore.

    My father really didn't want to lose me. Even after he discovered that I was using the ex-Scientologist forums, he was still willing to be there for me, and to allow me to live under his roof. He never ratted me out to Scientology, and I was only declared after OSA found out through their own Internet monitoring activities. Despite his allegiance to Scientology, he didn't report to them about me and that showed his true love for me. That's what makes this disconnection such a tragedy.

    I could have kept my mouth shut. I could have stopped visiting the forums and never ordered Nancy Many's book or Marc Headley's book, I could have pretended to be a good little Scientologist and I would have been able to maintain living with my father. He probably would have helped pay for a university education. There were a lot of 'smart' reasons to keep my disaffection from Scientology a secret. But, as I told the reporter for Macleans' magazine in a coffee shop one day, I ask myself it it would have been right. The answer is always no.
  2. I told you I was trouble

    I told you I was trouble Suspended animation

    Adam, I wish I could say something that would help ... but we both know that I can't.

    JustSheila likes this.
  3. dchoiceisalwaysrs

    dchoiceisalwaysrs Gold Meritorious Patron

    So sorry Adam that a deadman's dictates drove your dad into a circle of influence which if continued to expand would drive society back into the dark age. Your experience and resulting trauma truly are another of almost ubiquitous cases of undeniable proof of lack of charity and an abundance of torts Scientology organizations perpetuate to this very day.

    I really hope your father snaps free of such influence and you both experience a renaissance of love,reconnection and a life filled with respect.

    Although I do not know you, soldier on rebuilding your life and I sincerely hope Scientology organizations are required to atone and compensate both individuals such as youself and also communities for their wiful harms.

    Alas, it is in the air and much work upon the ground to see the day soon to be free of that scourge. I agree, as painful as it has been, you did the right thing to follow your conscience.
  4. Free to shine

    Free to shine Shiny & Free

    It is a tragedy. And evil.
    My heart goes out to you and all the other people here who suffer this horrific thing called disconnection.

    Yes your father is deluded and made to go against his better nature. He carries a tremendous burden of guilt and deep down he knows it. I wish you well, maybe one day a miracle will happen, though I am realistic with my optimism. You did the right thing, there really wasn't another choice.

  5. oneonewasaracecar

    oneonewasaracecar Gold Meritorious Patron

    That is so horrible. I look forward to an end to all of this. It is so pointless.
    JustSheila likes this.
  6. Miss Ellie

    Miss Ellie Miss Ellie

    I am so sorry for both of you. One day it will change.

    Send him a post card from time to time. Just say you love and miss him. He will not have to open it, your message will be where he can see it.

    He can toss it, report it, read it or act on it. It will speak to his heart.

    Until he is back in your daily life think of him with love and hope.
  7. TrevAnon

    TrevAnon Big List researcher

  8. Amy

    Amy New Member

  9. Amy

    Amy New Member

    Adam Holland took his life on the 17th. He was a brave young man and my Cousin. ❤️
  10. This is NOT OK !!!!

    This is NOT OK !!!! Gold Meritorious Patron


    Is there anything you can tell us about the last years for Adam and Paul?
  11. I told you I was trouble

    I told you I was trouble Suspended animation

    Oh no ... that is heartbreaking.

    RIP sweetheart.

    Thank You for letting us know @Amy.
    Condolences to you and the family.

    phenomanon likes this.
  12. lotus

    lotus stubborn rebel sheep!

    OMG, it's so shocking :oops:

    He was so profoundly missing his dad..The distress this cult is causing to parents and kids who suddenly loose their dear ones is so painful..Adam was a sweetheart !

    Sadly he could not find a way to lessen the suffering he had :(

    RIP Adam

    Condolences to Amy and dear ones.
    Last edited: Mar 1, 2019
  13. Leland

    Leland Crusader

    RIP Adam Holland.

    My condolences.
  14. Miss Ellie

    Miss Ellie Miss Ellie

    People have to have hope in their hearts... not a false hope but real hope. The sciobots take real hope and weave a fabric of false hope.

    My wish is that the family can come together and find real hope and love again. The pain will last a lifetime, nothing can replace a child lost. A life well lived in his honor is a start.

    Rest in Peace ~
  15. dchoiceisalwaysrs

    dchoiceisalwaysrs Gold Meritorious Patron

    My sincere condolences Amy. :sorry2: