Wow... this really is a great post, thank you. Kind of brought tears to my eyes

Thanks for writing this, that is the image of Hubbard I have in my head too, the guy who went nuts, it's almost like he let himself go like that in the end so that we could know... that he screwed up. I kind of take it as somewhat of an apology and can start to forgive eventually ya know.
Ever see that movie Angels with Dirty Faces? In the end of it James Cagney has a breakdown and it helps the kids that idolizing him, as a famous gangster, to maybe rethink the idea of getting into a life of crime.
Probably a key thing for me to grow up and re think what daddy hubbard said or did around me, was that he was fighting with his own morality, he had things he felt guilty about andhe never got them handled, and so if you see him like how he really ended up, he makes a lot more sense, his own case that he was trying to get handled in others, but never resolved it on himself. He was riddled with guilt, even if he didn't show it, he still felt it and didn't know what it was.
You know, it's not HONEST to say an idea as your own, if you did in fact, really JUST read it from someone else. I can tell a friend of mine, what I know about the structure of a script now, but I would also tell them that I learned it in college. I wouldn't take credit for what someone else, who wrote and read many script successfully, did. I certainly wouldn't tell them to listen to me and NOT go to school because I could tell them everything that they needed to know! Which is what happened to me in the SO.
I read what some of what fluffy posted earlier too, I know that when people are relaying their own knowledge and wisdom to others, they dont' always quote others or cite sources, they can simply be speaking from experience too....
but the Art Series from Hubbard and the Cine ED's from Hubbard were different. Hubbard was not a great artist, all his films had to be re-done, they were so badly done, his photo shoots were just a joke. He put himself forth as this MASTER artist, but he never walked the walk, he was just blowing stuff out of his ass. And I PERSONALLY would have rather have gone to film school! This was one of the things used to trick me into getting into the Sea Org, the idea that there was a Sea Org film school! I would have rather have just stayed in school and done film school when I was 18, instead of Hubbard's laundry you know? Gold eventually HIRED a film school grad to work on their tech films, they could not TRAIN anyone with Hubbard's materials to be a decent director. Because it was limiting, Hubbard gave the Art Series and the Cine ED's and Audio EDs as THE 1,2,3 and no one was really allowed to do anything else, when in the REAL professional world, artists are actually allowed to interact with other successful artists and study their work and figure things out on their own, see what's popular, get marketing info, etc.
Now, as a staff member, working on the film crew, I was forced to study Hubtoad and that is what makes me mad too. And the lack of footnotes and quotes and citations for his bulletins, well that is arrogance on his part and communistic mind control when it comes to being on staff, when you dont' have access to regular libraries and are not allowed to study anything else, everything else was considered "squirrel texts" and if we got caught reading them, you know some other art book, well we got assigned a condition or worse.
I read a book a couple of years ago called THE WHITE HAIRED GIRL, and there is a chapter in this book about the writer, it's an autobiography, who had grown up in Communist China and she'd been taught in school that Chairman Mao was a god and the greatest philosopher in the world, she had been banned from reading other philosophers. Every course she was brought up on was a Chairman Mao course and she had to clap to chairman Mao and thank him for everything good in her life, and if somethign went wrong, it was her fault. When Chairman Mao died, tours were given of his large estate, there was a study/office that was part of the tour, and in this room were all the books that Chairman Mao had banned from China, he was reading them himself and spoon feeding the information to the children of China through the school system, making these poor kids mentally dependent on Chairman Mao for everything, not learning to think from themselves or be able to process information from other sources and authors. It's a very moving paragraph in the book The White Haired Girl and I guess sometimes I have felt like that, in getting out of the Sea Org and finding out that there are so many really great smart people who are "wogs" that I could have been in communication with and wasn't, and that I had been mislead to believe that Hubbard had invented most of what he'd written.
He was using these references to dictate my activities at Gold and I had to study them, cram on them, get the info shouted at me by other staff, it was like the Cine staff's "tech" bible so to speak, it certainly wasn't someone relaying informaton to me without caring to say that they had learned it through experience, education or citing things they had studied. It was more like Hubbard was dictating my thoughts on the subject, rather than teaching me anything.
In a real classroom, the students are allowed to argue and discuss everything they read, they are allowed to have opinions, ask questions, give examples how it is otherwise,or how it is etc. It's such a better learning atmosphere. Ok, so someone says that a "good" work of art creates an emotional impact, I can accept it or not accept it. I can think with it, I know the person is human, that they could have made a mistake and I am allowed that thought. I could think of maybe times when I don't think it is that way, I can find other authors who have said similar things.... etc. But when Hubbard wrote it in an HCOB, it became part of KSW and were I to say, "Hey, I don't think that it matters if this particular shot has a whole lot of emotional impact... because....." well I'd get sent to cramming, rudiments, do I have any overts? Misunderstoods? Why don't I agree with HUBBARD? so for me to find out it wasn't Hubbard who said it....Oh man... or that it wasn't Hubbard who came up with these ideas in the first place, what damn business does Hubbard have making these ideas into HCOB's? If they weren't his to begin with? As far as I'm concerned it's illegal and when I have some time in my life, I'm going to go through the Art Course, which is a $2,000 course by the way, I believe that is the cost nowadays, and I'm going to go through what CIne ED's I read and I'm going to mark each one he's copyrighted that has copied another author and I'm going to send a report to the copyrights office or whoever else should know, the other authors or their estates involved, Because it's bullshit and it's not RIGHT.
I also got tortured with Word Clearing Correction Lists after every Method 9 on an ARt Series that I didn't have a floating needle after at the examiner. I wasn't happy with what I read, there was something that was wrong and it wasn't because I had something wrong with me or my case!!!! So, you know what I can still say Fuck Hubtoad and I still feel that way, I hated those correction lists

oh and sometimes they'd branch off othe correction lists, it was almost all the auditing I got, I didn't do much of the grade chart proper.
I do enjoy , when I get a spare moment, being able to log onto this message baord and reading like views AND contrary views, I'm sure there are always going to be people with fond thoughts of hubtoad, and who would never say "fuck Flubbard or Hubtoad" or other angry statement. I meet them in real life, there is such a wide variety of ex members and what their views are.
I have friends who have gotten mad at me and sworn and called me names, we made up afterwards

It's not the end of the world to get mad at Hubbard about something. It's tough when I was in the SO and I was mad but I couldn't say it or express it. I wasn't allowed to think this way. If you said "Fuck Hubtoad", as a staff member, that was an INSTANT RPF assignment.
So you know it's great to be able to discuss this, on an open message board like this, and not have some RTC staff busting into my room afterwards to take me away..... and stick me into a black t shirt and make me run everywhere I go and speak only when spoken too...
yeh it is a relief to bang on the keys and see what other amazing posts come back on this subject too. I don't expect everyone, like fluffy, to agree with me or empathize with me, but at least I can write and fluffy can UNDERSTAND why I might have a personal beef with Hubbard on certain subjects, even if fluffy doesn't have that same beef.
In the real world, understanding doesn't have to mean that we agree or have the same view. The R in ARC hasn't been shifted to Reality/Agreement. It can just be I've got my reality, with my experiences, and you have yours and we all have a right to it. We can UNDERSTAND each other without having to agree. We can agree to disagree.
I am really glad everyone on this board is around when I get mad, because you know I REALLY did get so mad on Saturday that I was sick to my stomach, and I threw up, and I didn't know why and it helped for me to bang out a message about it and get some responses and then I can read them, and see what others say, are they mad too? Or not, it's helps to see why maybe the people who AREn't mad don't know about why I'm mad, you know because then I can look at what it is and explain it to them and that helps me understand too.
At first, it is like WHY? WHO CARES if someone didn't cite their sources? Right? BIG DEAL, so what?
And to answer that "so what?" question, I can figure it out, why so what? Well, that helps me out, so I like it when people challenge me and I certainly like the long eloquent posts that seem to really get what it is I'm feeling, and other kind comments and encouragement.
so now, I have to be good and get back to my homework for my other class tonight
Mo