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Please help me. Scientology is going to destroy my family.

Discussion in 'Fair Game and Disconnection Victims' started by Scared_one, Feb 7, 2011.

  1. Scared_one

    Scared_one Patron

    For fear of being recognized by Scientologists, I will keep the personal details to a minimum.

    A loved one is getting deep into the org. Staff members are increasingly trying to do all they can to make scientology my loved one's life.

    They ask for multi-thousand dollar donations (knowing my loved one 'currently' makes enough money to pay it) on a weekly basis. They are trying to get my loved one to become staff. They want scientology to rule my loved one's life.

    My loved one had a difficult time with their personal life in the last several years, and the org is making them feel wanted and needed again, like my loved one is a part of something.

    My loved one can't recognize that all of this is coming at a tremendous cost. My loved one is enamored with the writings of LRH, and believes that everything LRH has written will lead them the happiest life imaginable.

    I admit, Scientology has helped my loved one and made them feel happy and alive again, but my loved one doesn't understand that this road of payment is never going to end.

    My loved one is so caught up in the fact they now feel meaning in life again that they are justifying the endless donations with that reasoning.

    My loved one is in tremendous debt and can't afford to keep giving these multi-thousand dollar donations without it destroying them.

    I try to explain calmly to my loved one that happniness and fulfillment shouldn't have to come at a neverending price of debt, but they don't understand.

    I don't know what to do, right now things aren't terrible, but if this relentess pursuit of my loved one's money doesn't immediately cease, our lives will probably be destroyed.

    If I confront my loved one and say "no more," I honestly fear they will choose Scientology over our life at this point. Should I tell my loved ones parents? I fear that would turn my loved one against me.

    Anytime I try to point out history about LRH and how much of a crazed person he was, and how scientology has some very ugly truths to it, I'm warned to cease my talk immediately because I'm being a supressive.

    I'm honestly terrified that there's really only one way this is going to end, and it's going to be really bad. Is this board safe? I fear making a post because I think scientologists will get my IP address and notify my loved one.

    Please help me. What can I do?
  2. uniquemand

    uniquemand Unbeliever

    Direct your "loved one" here. Sorry this is happening to you.
  3. Scared_one

    Scared_one Patron

    I can't. Staff has warned my loved one about these forums and anything else that criticizes scientology. My loved one won't even look at these forums or listen to anyone talk about scientology if they're not a scientologist.

    If my loved one knew I was posting here, they would tell staff members and talk about it instead of talking to me.
  4. namaste

    namaste Silver Meritorious Patron

    Or we could go there. Maybe you could post the phone number of the organization that is giving you the problem and the persons involved -- especially the reges -- and we could call them and talk to them. Couldn't hurt.
    I too am sorry for what you are going through.
  5. Voltaire's Child

    Voltaire's Child Fool on the Hill

    Instead of taking on his philosophical beliefs, maybe you could tell him (or her) that he can study Scientology elsewhere. There are non church Scientologists who do not ask for huge piles of money or staff contracts or any of that.

    The reason I say this is that you could end up taking on two issues- one being the cultic nature of The Church of Scientology- which IS a cult and the other being the belief system. The belief system gives him an out to excuse the "Church". It can end up as circular reasoning. I know cuz I've been there.

    I would suggest showing him or her this:!5753356/the-fbi-is-investigating-scientology-for-human-trafficking

    Explain that a number of ex members who truly used to love Scientology and who'd given greatly of themselves have recounted being restrained against their will and/or seeing others restrained against their will.

    Also show the person this:

    And then finish up by saying that you understand interest in philosophy and ideas but that any organization that can do this to its members and do so consistently is just not going to be good for him or her and that he or she may want to consider pursuing his or her chosen ideology elsewhere.
  6. AnonyMary

    AnonyMary Formerly Fooled - Finally Free

    This site is safe. Keep personal details in your posts to a minimum for safety sake of your friend. You are not in danger.

    Contact the parents. Tread lightly. Too much push will do the opposite of what you want. Work on the money angle, make it a talk about finances and being concerned, about doing what is right, financially. To start, keep the derogatory comments about the church out of it . See how the friend responds. Show lots of love and concern for finances, future stability financially.

    Best wishes,
  7. Voltaire's Child

    Voltaire's Child Fool on the Hill

    Cuz those links don't go to forums. They are articles.
  8. Scared_one

    Scared_one Patron

    I'm terrified that would immediately turn my loved one against me. My loved one would think I'm betraying them.

    I have to run for now. I greatly appreciate any and all advice that anyone can give me.
  9. uniquemand

    uniquemand Unbeliever

    Engage with him. Ask him to look at the "Doubt" formula. It specifically tells the scientologist to examine the statistics of groups concerned. He's seen what the Church of Scientology is representing as their statistics. Perhaps he is unaware that about 95% or more of all people who have ever been scientologists are no longer scientologists, and many of them are actively opposed to the Church.
  10. Captain Koolaid

    Captain Koolaid Patron Meritorious

    Welcome scared one,
    you've come to the right place. Your IP is safe. I do have a tip for you, but don't act on it until others have "greenlighted" it. (I was never in). So here goes: You could read some material, giving you a means to pretend true interest in the subject, and then ask a seemingly innocuous question which involves one of the many contradictions in Scientology. Like this: In Scientology truth is what you have observed to be true. But in KSW#1 it says that an open-minded approach is not allowed. What gives? You will not get an answer, but you might have planted a seed of doubt. Wait and see what others more knowleadgeble think about this, and I'm sure you will get other info as well. Hopefully you can soon change your nick. :wink2:

  11. Sindy

    Sindy Crusader

    1.........Be kind and caring and not judgmental about Scientology as that will backfire on you.

    2.........If this is a spouse, get agreements about your lives together. Get firm understandings about what your future goals in life are and how your monies will go toward those goals. Your life, your goals and the collective goals of your partnership are integral to your relationship and wholly valid. If you get very clear cut (written down) goals, you can then assess how much money will need to be set aside for those goals each week. Create a plan. Soon, it will become obvious that those plans are being compromised or abandoned by his/her donations to the church. Don't let things be vague.

    3.........If this person seems to want to abandon the goals you have set prior in favor of the Church's "needs" then you have a dilemma in your relationship in the same way as you would if he/she took up gambling, or a hobby that required vast sums, or who experienced a sudden wild hair to start investing in expensive art work, etc.

    ............You have rights too.

    4. Examine your participation or lack thereof regarding what you claim to be the rough times this person has had over several years.

    ............What are the underlying causes here?

    Without more info, it's hard to give good advice.

    What I can say is that you are very correct about your assessment that the church is currently on an all out grab for every last penny it can get and many people have allowed themselves to become financially ruined through involvement in Scientology.
  12. Jachs

    Jachs Gold Meritorious Patron

    CHURCH of $$$ and Duress.

    16.When a someone finds out that their family member is in "The Church" of $$$, there are a number of common thoughts and feelings they might have, for example:

    1. Guilt -- "What did we do wrong?" or, "It's all my fault."
    2. Shame, embarrassment, self-consciousness -- "What will we tell the relatives?" or, "What will the neighbors think?"
    3. Fear -- "What if we can't get him/her out?"
    4. Accusations -- "It's all your fault," or, "If you hadn't been so/done X, this wouldn't be happening."
    5. Bitterness toward life, God -- "God, why is this happening to me?"
    6. Loneliness -- "I really miss her/him."
    7. Sense of being burdened, overwhelmed -- "I just don't know what to do about all this."
    8. Helplessness, incompetence -- "There isn't anything I can do about this."
    9. Rejection, hurt -- "How could he/she have done this to me?"
    10. Alarm -- "I a

    * DON'T debate Scientology's ideology, methods or theology with the member in person, in letters or on the phone

    ] DO tell the person that you love them and let them know that your home is always open to them should they want to get away from the cult.

    DON'T use a confrontational or condescending approach with the Scientologist.

    * DO keep your cool and try to control your emotional reactions, especially anger.

    * DO try to appeal to the person's emotions, and don't be too upset if the person becomes angry

    * DO get the cult member to come home for a visit whenever possible. Get a solid commitment from him as to the date

    * DON'T ever tell the cult member that his views are ridiculous, absurd or wrong.

    * DO learn to practice active listening techniques with the cult member.

    * DO become educated about the group. Read anything you can find about Scientology.
    [/B] Read books, magazines, newspapers, web forums

    * DO learn some of the key Scientology words such as: "clear," "reality," "auditor," "ethics" or "ethical," etc.

    * DON'T send unsolicited critical articles in the mail to the Scientologist.

    * DO be prepared, however, with information that you have collected. The person may come home at any time.

    * DON'T try, however, to get the person out of Scientology by yourself, if there is an alternative.

    * DO ask the Scientologist still in the cult about his personal needs

    * DON'T ever send cash or money, however, as it will immediately go to the cult, especially large amounts.

    * DON'T, if your child leaves Scientology, attempt to replace the cult experience with another religion, no matter how strong your own personal beliefs are
    DO get professional help for the ex-Scientologist, if possible with a counselor who has had some experience with former cult members and their special problems.

    * DON'T feel excessive guilt or shame about your family member's experience with the cult

    * DO find a support group of other families in your area who have had experiences similar to yours

    * DON'T neglect your own needs or those of other family members.

    * DO file written complaints with all the public officials you can find

    * DON'T ever give up. You never know when your family member might come home.
  13. Arthur Dent

    Arthur Dent Silver Meritorious Patron

    Hi Scared_one,
    I'm so sorry you are in this predicament. Not a fun place to be.
    I am wondering if you and your loved one have children or not.

    If you have read enough stories here you already know this can get ugly.

    Loved one is being love bombed. Steve Hassan is a good book resource for learning about cults and defining them and breaking away.

    Try to go away with loved one for a long weekend somewhere. Once there (with computer or laptop) have a chat with loved one and let him/her know that you are very willing to listen to loved one but that you consider it also as important that he/she be willing to hear you out. Get agreement on this point. Ensure loved one understands how important they are to you as well as your relationship.

    Then proceed and tell said loved one that you will agree to them doing scn. if they are willing to read some things that you consider extremely important.

    There are many places here with a compiled list of things for a newbie to read. Others here can chime in with a link better than I.

    Ensure David Miscavige and the abuses at Int base are covered, the number of OT VIIIs who have left the church, the Australian Senate Inquiry via Sen. Xenophone, the ongoing FBI investigation, etc., etc. You won't get a huge opportunity here so you want to be organized and prepared. If he/she starts yaking about how it's all entheta, etc. remind loved one that reading this is part of the listening promised you. Remind of the fairness of this.

    After this, initiate a sane and calm discussion about this. Ask loved one to take a few months away from the church and do an independent study of it and if he still wants to go and do it then fine. (not really fine but we are hoping he will come to his senses after finding out.)

    The church staff will be pressuring him all along so maybe you can get his agreement to not speak to anyone for a few months.

    His parents can be told if all else fails. It will be a problem for him if his parents are antagonistic to scientology and we can only hope they will be.
    But then, of course, he will be made to handle or disconnect from them, which may only hurt them.

    It is very important that you protect yourself as well. Clearly if you and loved one share finances and or debt, own a home together or other assets you must have a say in all this. If there are joint accounts I suggest you ensure both signatures are needed for expenditures. If you have investments, same thing.

    If after all this he wants to do scn. make it extremely clear that your personal finances together are not to be affected at all and that he must clear up his debts first and then earn the money to do it, not borrow it.

    If he won't do this, cut your losses as it will only get worse.
  14. Freeminds

    Freeminds Bitter defrocked apostate

    Fearing disconnection is perfectly understandable, but if you're forced to keep silent, your loved one will be drawn into a dangerous cult.

    When you can't talk about Hubbard, his con and the abuses that victims are still suffering today... just keep talking. Talk about good food. Talk about a movie you saw recently. Talk about friends, relations, and hobbies. All these things are denied to a victim of Scientology: they never have free time, and they never have money. Even getting enough time to sleep is a challenge, once drawn into org 'life'. Heck, they don't even have enough toilet paper.

    That's why I recommend talking about things happening in the wider world, and to other people they know: to underline the point that there is a bigger picture they're not seeing.

    It's also a good idea to try to get their friends to contact them, using e-mail, cellphone, social networking... all things that will thereby become harder to give up. Scientology can't fully colonize a person who has a conduit to the outside world. They may well have to surrender their cellphone and promise not to read things on the Internet, presently... so it's a good tactic to make them hard to give up. (Tell a teenager she's going to have to give up her iPhone for the greater good of the cult, and she might not remain a good little cultie anymore!)

    Another great thing to do is to persuade the Scientology victim to join you on a family holiday. If you can get them away from the cult for a week or two, they'll start to doubt, all on their own. Time away from Scientologists is time to think... and that seldom goes well for Hubbardism. Even four days away from the thought control regime can be enough to start them on the road to recovery.

    If they do end up trapped inside the cult, your best recourse is probably to make your loved one's membership do the 'Church' more harm than good. This is done by legal means (get legal advice for where you live) and also by telling your story to local news media, and your elected officials. You have to make a nuisance of yourself, until the cult spits the victim back out, reasoning that it's too expensive or troublesome to keep them in.

    The victim may not be happy about being out, at first, of course, but I'm convinced it's the right thing to do. Get them out of the cult, and give them all the information. Then, they can make an informed decision. It is to be hoped that they will see that flowing money towards a con-man who's been dead for a quarter of a century won't help anybody.
  15. Mark A. Baker

    Mark A. Baker Sponsor

    You already know esmb. here are some other useful resources.

    An entertaining tv show about scientology which treats the subject in a balanced fashion:

    A Useful Website:

    Freezone America:

    Standard Tech Academy:

    :unsure: And personally I don't much trust Rathbun but his blog has some good articles.

    Mark A. Baker
  16. R2-45

    R2-45 Silver Meritorious Patron

    Scared_one, very little, if any, of the [admittedly excellent] advice given here so far [up to post#13 by Authur Dent] would have worked to help me see the reality of the situation when I was heading into the co$. I lost what may likely turn out to have been the greatest love of my life as well as two families and untold possible future families in consequence of my involvement with this cult.

    I think the most helpful advice presented here so far for me might have been, that if someone who loved me would have simply said, with sincerity of meaning, "I love you and I will always love you and I will be here for you always."

    Alas, it never happened for me, at least not in time and not with enough strength or force to overcome my headlong rush into the co$. The loss and carnage of my association with the cult are still reverberating in my life to this day.

    This forum you have discovered is a marvelous resource. I humbly suggest that you use it to the maximum. In the few short months I have been attending here, I have come to understand just how deeply the cult damages. For me this forum has been a healing experience. For you and your loved one(s) it might serve as a warning or a "taped-out" path.

    Scared_one, you face a difficult task. I am tempted to advance the idea that the way out is through (and that's a concept alien to most non-$cn and would involve pretense on your part which in my estimation would be doomed to failure) but you BOTH would likely lose more on such a journey than if you just let it be said and unconditionally understood that the facts are that you love this person and always will be there for him/her.

    I suggest that you rally others who love this loved one and collude to present a united front of love and acceptance of the fact that this loved one is going to have a journey. If you and the loved one are lucky, it will be a brief journey. Then you can come back here and tell us all your story of the journey.

    That's the best I can offer at this time.

  17. Axiom142

    Axiom142 Gold Meritorious Patron

    Welcome Scared One. You are right to be concerned, but don’t be afraid. Fear is what the cult uses to control people.

    Don’t play their game.

    Firstly, you should get a thorough understanding of the techniques that the CoS use to control people. Steven Hassan’s book ‘Combatting Cult Mind Control’ (available from Amazon etc) is an excellent resource. Also, read up on some of the personal stories here on ESMB and elsewhere.

    If you let us know where you are, perhaps there will be an ESMBer nearby who can help.

    When you have a through understanding, contact all of ‘your loved one’s’ family and close friends. Explain to them the situation and show them the evidence of what being in the CoS does to people. Get them all to read and understand the advice given by Steven Hassan.

    When you are ready, arrange an intervention. Don’t be judgemental or accusative. Stress that you care for them and that all you care about is their welfare.

    Don’t let them ‘disconnect’ from you and be persistent.

    Good luck,

  18. uniquemand

    uniquemand Unbeliever

    It's true that no particular piece of rhetoric or action is likely to stop someone who is intent on studying scientology, but you can get some good ideas, here. Most people don't want to say it, so they give you a little something to go on, but in reality, if the person is stuck to scientology, it's likely that you're fucked. It could take them a few days, or weeks, or years, or DECADES to figure out that they've been had, and how.

    You might love them, and you might be there for them when they get a clue, but to promise that you'll be there for them in the capacity of a lover when you could be cast aside for decades (or forever) is plain silly.

    Face up to the fact that you may have lost this person. Do what you can to support their rational function. You have the advantage of the internet, which many of us didn't when we got in.

    Ask him why all of the LRH books have had to be reissued, why they were not on source for sixty years.
  19. This is NOT OK !!!!

    This is NOT OK !!!! Gold Meritorious Patron

  20. R2-45

    R2-45 Silver Meritorious Patron

    Scared_one, persist - however you are able to do so. Even if that means as Uniquemand has stated: "Face up to the fact that you may have lost this person."

    Do not lose yourself as so many of us here have nearly done.

    Are there any children involved?