Please help me. Scientology is going to destroy my family.

afaceinthecrowd

Gold Meritorious Patron
Welcome, Scarred One.

This may sound off the wall…and may not be as good of advice as others have already givin you.

Tell your loved one that you will read 50,000 words (or whatever they will agree to...the more the better) of any Scientology publication they choose, as long as they read 50,000 words of anything re: Scientology that you choose. Then, afterwards, you will listen for 1 hour, silently, to every word they want to say or ask to you about what they read and then they will listen, silently, to everything you want to say or ask about what you read, and it is their choice of who speaks last.

If they accept, I am sure that many of Us…all much smarter than I…will do our best to help “guide you through”.

Whatever happens after that, the advice of R2-45 is paramount, IMO…love conquers all things…they must know that you love them unconditionally, and will always be there for them, arms open and without judgment or agenda. If I would have had that, my time in Scientology and the Sea Org would have been much, much shorter than it was.:yes:

My Heart Is With You,:yes:

Face:)
 
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Everyone, thanks for all of the replies.

My "loved one" should be home soon, so I don't currently have time to respond to each reply. I'm going to bring up a few points about the org's latest attempt to solicit money and how giving that money flies in the face of what we have already decided our short term goals to be. Obviously, I will do this with as much tact and love as possible.

I'm hoping that by showing how spending this money is a complete contradiction of what we've recently discussed and agreed to, they'll realize that this donation shouldn't be given. But, the real problem is that this will only rectify the situation temporarily, until the church concocts a new reason to ask for a donation.

What's sad is that nearly everyone I've met within the church seems to be a great person, and if the church wouldn't simply stop asking for money at every juncture I would have no problem with my loved one's involvement.

A little background ... I do have some experience in the church and have completed a few courses, including the purification program. I'm not sure you could call me an ex-scientologist because I've never really considered myself an actual scientologist.

I've been skeptical of the entire org since day 1, and while I find that some of the "technology" (I'll still think it's absurd to actually be called that) could be useful if utilized, I can't help but see the way it's presented is just ridiculous.

I don't want to be scared, but I can't deny the fact that I am. My loved one is just so happy right now because they once again feel like they're a part of something greater than them self, because the org is making them feel that way.

What they can't seem to grasp is the fact that self peace and acceptance shouldn't come with a price tag. They honestly believe that giving this money to the church is the right thing to do because of how much the church has given them. That is why this situation is scary, my loved one has been brain washed and they don't even know it.
 
Also, I'll keep you all updated, as I feel this process is something that should be shared with the world, so they know just how real and dangerous this thing is.

Thank you so much for your concern. It's good to know I'm not alone.
 

uniquemand

Unbeliever
Another thing to consider is asking him to set up an "Admin Scale". This is a Scientology thing that is actually quite positive, if not loaded with bullshit like "getting the latest meter". Essentially, it's a plan for your life. Do it together. Whenever he starts spending money on Church stuff, point out how you thought Scientology was supposed to help him achieve his goals, rather than deplete him of resources.
 

RolandRB

Rest in Peace
For fear of being recognized by Scientologists, I will keep the personal details to a minimum.

A loved one is getting deep into the org. Staff members are increasingly trying to do all they can to make scientology my loved one's life.

They ask for multi-thousand dollar donations (knowing my loved one 'currently' makes enough money to pay it) on a weekly basis. They are trying to get my loved one to become staff. They want scientology to rule my loved one's life.

My loved one had a difficult time with their personal life in the last several years, and the org is making them feel wanted and needed again, like my loved one is a part of something.

My loved one can't recognize that all of this is coming at a tremendous cost. My loved one is enamored with the writings of LRH, and believes that everything LRH has written will lead them the happiest life imaginable.

I admit, Scientology has helped my loved one and made them feel happy and alive again, but my loved one doesn't understand that this road of payment is never going to end.

My loved one is so caught up in the fact they now feel meaning in life again that they are justifying the endless donations with that reasoning.

My loved one is in tremendous debt and can't afford to keep giving these multi-thousand dollar donations without it destroying them.

I try to explain calmly to my loved one that happniness and fulfillment shouldn't have to come at a neverending price of debt, but they don't understand.

I don't know what to do, right now things aren't terrible, but if this relentess pursuit of my loved one's money doesn't immediately cease, our lives will probably be destroyed.

If I confront my loved one and say "no more," I honestly fear they will choose Scientology over our life at this point. Should I tell my loved ones parents? I fear that would turn my loved one against me.

Anytime I try to point out history about LRH and how much of a crazed person he was, and how scientology has some very ugly truths to it, I'm warned to cease my talk immediately because I'm being a supressive.

I'm honestly terrified that there's really only one way this is going to end, and it's going to be really bad. Is this board safe? I fear making a post because I think scientologists will get my IP address and notify my loved one.

Please help me. What can I do?

Stop trolling and get a life!
 

PirateAndBum

Gold Meritorious Patron
You don't say how long he/she has been involved. If their involvement is new, then the chances are better.

Any anti-Scientology stuff you present is going to be regarded as "enemy- line" and if the church has its way they will quickly force the him/her into a disconnection situation; making your loved one choose between you and Scientology. If your loved one is hooked on the promises of Scientology you are going to loose that competition; because you will be portrayed as a suppressive influence - someone against something as beneficial and good as Scientology must be someone that should be shunned is the reasoning.

I, having been a member for more than 30 years, can tell you that it is not an easy task to get someone out of Scientology once they become a believer. I feel for you deeply.

The pressures to join staff and to donate money are intense and frankly unless you can get them out then your relationship will most likely be ruined. These pressures can/have destroyed relationships where both parties were Scientologists. The general "think"/agreement of Scientologists is that having one person in and the spouse not in is something that will never work. So your partner is going to be encouraged to abandon you, esp if you are perceived as antagonistic to the church.

The fact that they are refusing to look at the data available is not at all a good sign. You're going to need help handling this.

Your choices (in my opinion and as I see them):

1a. Try to get them out. You've come to the best place I know for assistance in this. Many here will do whatever they can to help prevent more lives being ruined by the church.

1b. Try to get them into the freezone where the costs are far less and there are no pressures to give your life/wealth. To do this will be almost as difficult because the church is not going to stand for it and will fight it.

2. Try to work out a sensible financial plan for their involvement and solid agreements on their not joining staff. If this person means a lot to you, you need to face the fact that you'll need to become involved as well. Any perceived resistance coming from you is going to create a "situation" for your loved one though and thus between the two of you.

3. Go with it. Let the destruction of your finances play out, let them join staff. Maybe you can live with it. I can't say. You haven't given much information about your relationship, whether children are involved, etc.

4. Failing the above, cut your losses and leave them.

I wish it were a more rosy picture.

I'd suggest you contact some of us via PM (private message) so you can fully discuss your situation. Many here will want to help. Some are OSA-bots (churchies monitoring this forum) so you do have to be careful if you want maintain your privacy. Feel free to PM me, I'll do what I can to assist, but I've lost my own loved ones in my decision to leave the church, so I'm no expert on getting someone out - it took me over 30 years to see the light.

Steve Hassan's book is a good resource.
 
The pressures to join staff and to donate money are intense and frankly unless you can get them out then your relationship will most likely be ruined. These pressures can/have destroyed relationships where both parties were Scientologists. The general "think"/agreement of Scientologists is that having one person in and the spouse not in is something that will never work. So your partner is going to be encouraged to abandon you, esp if you are perceived as antagonistic to the church.

I very quickly recognized this aspect of the church. That if I don't accept the fact that my loved one is intent on immersing them self in scientology they will quickly turn them against me.

My loved one is a spouse, but we do not yet have children.
 

Mest Lover

Not Sea Org Qualified
Is this board safe? I fear making a post because I think scientologists will get my IP address and notify my loved one.

Please help me. What can I do?


I trust this board with anonymity. I am no longer worried about that but when I first showed up I was. You can trust Emma.
 
And after reading my initial post I realized that I probably sounded a bit melo-dramatic.

That's because right before I wrote it my loved one had just dropped the bomb on me that they wanted to make another multi-thousand dollar donation after we already agreed there would be no more donations.
 

Free to shine

Shiny & Free
And after reading my initial post I realized that I probably sounded a bit melo-dramatic.

That's because right before I wrote it my loved one had just dropped the bomb on me that they wanted to make another multi-thousand dollar donation after we already agreed there would be no more donations.

I think you posted exactly as it is.
Ignore Roland, he is the troll.

It's a terrible situation, and not an unusual one unfortunately, there is some great advice here.
 

PirateAndBum

Gold Meritorious Patron
And after reading my initial post I realized that I probably sounded a bit melo-dramatic.

That's because right before I wrote it my loved one had just dropped the bomb on me that they wanted to make another multi-thousand dollar donation after we already agreed there would be no more donations.

(I'm just gonna write assuming this is your husband)

Scientology has a strong belief in ethics. Have you learned about Scientology ethics?

You need to assign him a condition of "Liability" for breaking his agreement with you. If that would sound strange coming from you, you can sit down with him and tell him that you feel he violated your trust and his agreements, ask him what Scentology says a person should do when this happens. If he doesn't know then you/he should ask for help from the org. Don't let him weasle on this. Use the org's ethics officer to back you up on this. Insist on it! It doesn't matter that it was a donation. He made an agreement with you. It's a 2nd dynamic issue not a 3rd dynamic issue. If you don't know about ethics conditions then you'll need to read up on it. This can be a tool for you to reign in some control over your finances.
 

Wisened One

Crusader
LOTS of great advice for you here, Scared One.

You are in such a delicate situation, ugh! :sadsigh:

Loved One indeed is being Love-Bombed. If he's made 'multi-thousand dollar' donations to them, already, then they are gonna keep him close, and Love-Bomb him forever until he walks away (or can be woken up).

Let me ask you: Do you work? Do you perhaps have your own bank account? If not, I urge you to open up at least a Savings Account in only your name and start depositing money into it, bit by bit. For, if doing many of the great steps advised in this Thread (talking to him about Conditions and making out an Admin Scale, etc..) and he happens to break your set-up Agreements (especially financial-related ones) then you NEED your own support network of money to live on, plus good non-scn family and friends, if you (god forbid) end up leaving (or he leaves you or tells you to leave him).

I liked the advice given to you about asking 'innocent' questions as you, yourself are reading scn books (at HOME, do NOT go into the Org!!). They will get him to think, but then again, he'll probably start asking his fellow scn's and be 'coached' on responses, to them, too.

It is indeed such a tightrope to walk.

Know that we are here for you, and PM some of us for additional info/questions, ok?

Hugs to you!!
 
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FoTi

Crusader
I very quickly recognized this aspect of the church. That if I don't accept the fact that my loved one is intent on immersing them self in scientology they will quickly turn them against me.

My loved one is a spouse, but we do not yet have children.

You better get this sorted out before you do have kids.
 
(I'm just gonna write assuming this is your husband)

Scientology has a strong belief in ethics. Have you learned about Scientology ethics?

You need to assign him a condition of "Liability" for breaking his agreement with you. ...

This reflects 'church think' not ethics. The idea that you can assign a condition to another person is an idea the church has promulgated as a useful technique for making others wrong and putting them at affect. You are in short advising this person to do as the church would do in attempting to manipulate her partner.

The idea of discussing how one-sided decision-making is adversely affecting the family is an excellent one. However, avoid 'making him wrong' while 'making yourself right'. That will inevitably blow up in your face.


Mark A. Baker
 

BSBuster

Patron
Tough Love-sorry

For fear of being recognized by Scientologists, I will keep the personal details to a minimum.

A loved one is getting deep into the org. Staff members are increasingly trying to do all they can to make scientology my loved one's life.

They ask for multi-thousand dollar donations (knowing my loved one 'currently' makes enough money to pay it) on a weekly basis. They are trying to get my loved one to become staff. They want scientology to rule my loved one's life.

My loved one had a difficult time with their personal life in the last several years, and the org is making them feel wanted and needed again, like my loved one is a part of something.

My loved one can't recognize that all of this is coming at a tremendous cost. My loved one is enamored with the writings of LRH, and believes that everything LRH has written will lead them the happiest life imaginable.

I admit, Scientology has helped my loved one and made them feel happy and alive again, but my loved one doesn't understand that this road of payment is never going to end.

My loved one is so caught up in the fact they now feel meaning in life again that they are justifying the endless donations with that reasoning.

My loved one is in tremendous debt and can't afford to keep giving these multi-thousand dollar donations without it destroying them.

I try to explain calmly to my loved one that happniness and fulfillment shouldn't have to come at a neverending price of debt, but they don't understand.

I don't know what to do, right now things aren't terrible, but if this relentess pursuit of my loved one's money doesn't immediately cease, our lives will probably be destroyed.

If I confront my loved one and say "no more," I honestly fear they will choose Scientology over our life at this point. Should I tell my loved ones parents? I fear that would turn my loved one against me.

Anytime I try to point out history about LRH and how much of a crazed person he was, and how scientology has some very ugly truths to it, I'm warned to cease my talk immediately because I'm being a supressive.

I'm honestly terrified that there's really only one way this is going to end, and it's going to be really bad. Is this board safe? I fear making a post because I think scientologists will get my IP address and notify my loved one.

Please help me. What can I do?

If your talk with your loved one does not help and they press on and donate to the church--and if this is money that you both own (married e.g.) then I have some serious advice---make sure you protect your assetts and open another account and take your 50% now. I am so sorry to be the bearer of bad news and one of the few realists here--but it will have to run its' course. This loved one -if not salvaged now-will keep going and have to learn their own lessons and at the cost of ruining a relationship.

If you do not want to be left with nothing (if you co-own your accounts and property--then start taking action sooner than later or you will go down the tubes iwth this loved one. Dont let this happen.

I hope that you can wake this person up but honestly --many have tried with loved ones and friends and most have failed. The scn's know excactly how to make you and your loved one feel like the best thing since sliced bread and THAT is the trap. Only problem is that it is all a lie. The moment you or he/she stop playing the game-you become enemy #1. ALSO once your loved one starts auditing-RUN! Because YOU will come up in auditing as a problem and then ethics will handle him/her to see that you are an enemy and do not want him/her to do well. Not only that but any intimate details that you share will become a written record that can be used against you.

So I say again-if you are not able to salvage this person soon--get your affairs in order, protect your assets without emotion and RUN--then start over.

I am sorry but this is the way it is. It happened to half or more of this board, including me.

PROTECT YOURSELF the moment you see that your efforts are not working-DO NOT trust a scn-ever.
 

PirateAndBum

Gold Meritorious Patron
This reflects 'church think' not ethics. The idea that you can assign a condition to another person is an idea the church has promulgated as a useful technique for making others wrong and putting them at affect. You are in short advising this person to do as the church would do in attempting to manipulate her partner.

The idea of discussing how one-sided decision-making is adversely affecting the family is an excellent one. However, avoid 'making him wrong' while 'making yourself right'. That will inevitably blow up in your face.


Mark A. Baker

True, this is church think. But when you're trying to maneuver through these waters you have to use what's available to you. If you're going to live in the Scientology mind-space then you need to figure out how best to survive in it. Insisting on "proper" application of Scientology at least won't get you declared an SP (well, it shouldn't, but it's no guarantee.) At least you aren't looking like an SP, just a spouse concerned about the survival of the 2D.

How long has your spouse been involved?

Truly the best thing would be to get him out. While you formulate the best approach to doing that at least you can try to do financial damage control in a way that won't get the org pushing him to dump you.
 
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UmbalumTeapot

Patron with Honors
And after reading my initial post I realized that I probably sounded a bit melo-dramatic.

That's because right before I wrote it my loved one had just dropped the bomb on me that they wanted to make another multi-thousand dollar donation after we already agreed there would be no more donations.

I am in no way qualified to offer any help or suggestions other than this:

The people here at XSMB are very good people. If they can offer or give help.. I have no doubt that such help will be forthcoming.

Don't get paranoid.

Be strong.
 
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