In my experience, being raised in scientology corrupts ones ability to effectively evaluate ones experiences and information gathered in life. The way we think about our feelings for instance, rather than them just being emotions and ok to have( there are no bad emotions, only not so good ways they are expressed/dealt with), they are labelled, with emotions indicating a problem or issue going on being undesirable( and an indicator that something is wrong with the person as opposed to maybe something in their life that is not right and needs to be addressed). The way we think about others, such as valing them based on what they can offer you or those connected to you, rather than valuing them as a human being, regardless of their economic/social/"religious" standing. The Idea that if you are having a diificult time in life, you are a danger to others and put them at risk(instead of realizing thats exatly what friends and family are supposed to be, at least in many peoples eyes, "a burden shared is halved, and a joy shared is doubled"). There's hella more to list, but the point is that scientology creates some seriously hella flawed logic in ones thinking.
In my experience, growing up in scientology, those were the types of messages I recieved( among hella others). It wasn't just how I was treated, but the way others were treated routinely as well, whether spoken or not, you learn whats what, and whats expected and the consequences, either through personal experience or seeing it happen to others.
When I quit having anything to do with scientology, the "messages" I heard growing up still played in my head/heart. They were pretty fucked up messages full of how I would fail and would never make it in the world among all the crazies and degraded beings and there was no point in living in a world like that. I had very little real world experience at that point, most of my experience had been with scientology and scientologists and such who reinforced this flawed view of the world.
What helped change, and is helping to continue to change that, is to work on those "messages" that still play( even after all these years). For me, changing those messages requires talking about my feelings and whats going on, and recognizing the flaws in the thinking and replacing it with a more positive message. Basically, drowning out the old messages with new messages that more accurately reflect the real world and a more healthy idea of how things can be. Like if I have a problem and need help, it's ok to ask for help. It doesn't mean I need to get handled and figure my shit so I can be acceptable to others. Having problems/difficulties in life does not equal you being fucked.
For me, I also had/have to realize there are many ways to ones goals, not just one, and no one person has a monopoly on the truth. I had to open my eyes so to speak, to be willing to se that things werent the way I had learned/grew up with. I had to realize that, maybe some of the stuff had truth to it, but it was exageration, using a small part of the truth to represent the whole truth, and that not everyone behaved that way. I had to recognize the parts of the indoctrination that I still held onto and I still judged myself by.
All in all, its replacing the mssages, and being open to experiences that show me the world in other ways than what I was raised to believe( while trying to find the fine line of caution, once( or hella times) bitten, twice( or hella ) shy. I have to remind myself of these things all the time. Compassion and empathy have been hella important, for me to have for others, but also, just as importantly, to have for myself. I had to see a different kind of love than I was raised with, to see what love really is and what it means. I've been lucky to have individuals come through my life for however long or short, who have taught/shown me these things. And reading different ways has helped too, like not so I can adulate some writer, but so I can gather ideas and see other perspectives( and not so I can read something and believe everything word for word simply because they "seem" to know what theyre talking about).
It's hard sometimes when things aren't stable. Money and such is important in this world, but it's not everything( though I guess that depends on your values). Money can be circumvented though, you can work for rent, or caretake someones land for room and board, and work for food, and barter for whatever else you need, true, not always easy in all areas, just saying there are other ways than just working for a corporation that perpetuates a way of life you disagree with. Possibilities
. There are more possibilities than scientology taught us, or even than the "real" world has taught us often.
In scientology, its all figured out pretty much. Scientology is good, being a scientologist is good, going up the bridge/training is good, being productive( in any way as long as the stats go up) is good, LRH figured it out for us and has the "real" purpose of life and thats good. Anything that says/states/creates the awareness that any of the preceeding are false, is bad.
Scientology can leave us with a very narrow perspective of the world. Leaving it opens us to possibilities that were never there or even dreamt of sometimes. We are more able to see thing objectively( based on facts rather than feelings/predetermined ideas), especialy if we are willing to question all the things we had previously just taken as "truth" ( scientology has a lot of "truth" but not the kind that makes sense or is supported with logic and factual data like real truth is).
You have the ability now to get experience in life, in real life. You can learn about whatever you want to learn about, you dont need a piece of paper to be valid or to have knowledge and use it( though for sure in some places there are regulations and laws and such to protect consumers of those services where certification is needed and assures somewhat quality of services provided..... unless you're a "religion"). You can go get you one of those pieces of papers if you wanted, too.
The more you do different things, read different stuff, talk to different people, the more you'll find what you want to do and whats really important to you. And the more you do thing, the more youll get confidence from doing whatever it is you do( or youll learn from your mistakes and be wiser
) . Give yourself a break, you deserve it. There's no planet to clear, no stats to reach, no ethics officer to fear( well, there is, but thats only for the people still stuck in the mind fuck fully).
Success is reflected by the light of your being, not how many "things" you have( in my eyes at least). Like I said before, talking about my experiences helps a lot. Maybe not posting everything online, but for sure writing them out and sharing them with another person at least. Even posting online helps. And reading, lots of reading, not of just scientology stuff, but of all kinds of viewpoints and actual factual information as well( it helps for sure when i come across something i "knew" was true from when i was a kid and find out it was bullshit, i just never questioned it back then). A support system is important too. Even if its just people you talk to online that understand or can relate and encourage your healing. A support system is hella important( one of the big reasons "disconnection" can be a real threat, especially if scientology was your world). It's ok too, to not be happy. That's just how life is sometimes. We can be unhappy and not have to judge ourselves. We don't have to express a certain "tone level" to be ok. One of my favorite lines from a song, "Can you say feel like shit? yeah sometimes I do feel like shit, I'm not happy about it, but I'd rather feel like shit than be ful of shit"
If you're in a pinch for food/rent/whatever, check local churches (real ones, not fakes ones like $cientology), or since youre online, do a search for local resources, foodbanks, housing asitance, school, medical, whatever you need to get yourself going again, even mental health counseling( again, real counseling, not the scientology version).
There's a story I like hella, basically about a grandfather telling his grandson about how in our hearts are two wolves fighting, one of love and hope and possibilities, and one of darkness and despair and hate and rage, and the boy aks which will win, and the grandfather replies, "the one you feed the most". It reminds me that while theres hella to be cynical about, theres hella more to be hopeful about, it just depends on whats playing inside my head/heart at the moment.
I guess thats about all I have to say for now. I have hella more thoughts/feelings, but I'm still sorting out a lot myself. We can't change the past, but we can change how we think about the past, and we can create experiences, today, that will affect how we view tommorrow( though for sure it's not always as simple as remembering this
). Again, talking about experiences, and writing them down too can help, and reading others similar experiences, and giving yourself a break, can be hella helpful to healing, moving on, for me at least, I can only share whats worked for me, and maybe it can be helpful for you too, either way, there's more than one way to achieve the same thing. Peace and blessings.
p.s. oh wow, hela longer than I realized lol
I've written a lot of my experiences down already, but I still have some strong feelings about my upbringing( and rightfully so given experiences), healing is an ongoing thing for me, but it is possible and it does get better. It is what it is, until its something different
