Raised in it, Sea Org'd at 13... institutionlized thereafter >=(


New Member
I started as a typical Scientology kid, but my parent's were (and continue to be) low on the bridge, so I was jealous of my friends who had a Clear parent or two, and one of my friends actually had two OT 7s for parents.

I'll try to cut to the chase, and get to the parts that royally fucked me and my sister up. Though I think I was able to shield my younger brother, he's still a Scientologist (though I think him being witness to our fuck-ups have built him some pretty thick skin.)

Anyhow, I'm a middle child. In a family of 5 we were all Scientologists. At 12, unbeknownst to me, I think the lack of wholesome family goodness, attributed to being all-out Scientologists started to catch up to our family. Well I guess I mean the alienating. We went to some scientologist-homeschooling, for some parts of our life, but mostly just public schools because our parents couldn't afford it.

My older sister started smoking cigs and marijuana (at age 14/15ish), and then acid and meth. All of this was unknown to me at the time. There was only one time I actually smelt marijuana, and I quickly entered her room and said 'I know what it smells like in here!' and then got verbally pummeled and told I was wrong by my sister. This was a falling out period for my sister, but unfortunately, it didn't stick. I mean it's good she doesn't do acid and meth, but I'd rather she still smoked marijuana, and stuff.

To me, most the time it just looked like she'd suddenly be psycho-bitch during that time. She'd hit acid, and then get upset and go off on a tantrum. She'd repeatedly slam her door, so much, and punch holes in the wall. I didn't have anything to compare this too, but it all made a lot more sense when she told me she was on acid at the time. Don't upset people (Dad) when they're on acid.

So, age 13 rolls around, and a recruiter from Flag is at our little Org. He catches me, because I was at the Org with my friend who was doing something there. (Yeah a bit vague on the details. I just know I was there with my buddy, and his parents drove me back to my place).

This recruiter snags me from the idle reception and tells me I can be an L11 Auditor at Flag. I remember seeing a Ls pamphlet my Dad kept around. Dad told me about his aspirations to be audited on the Ls. I think I knew all about the Ls by the age of 8. So needless to say, I was thrilled about possibly becoming an auditor at the Sea Org, however, my best friends wouldn't be coming with me, and so I had doubts.

I was in there for awhile, and holding up my friend, and his parents from driving me home and for them to go home. It was about 10 or 11 before I got out of there, but only after I signed the contract, and repeated back those commandments. No one interrupted us, I'm sure if anyone pranced in there to get me out, they'd be in a Treason condition, for cutting com with me and the Flag Recruiter.

To become an Ls auditor I'd be in CMO, and so forth. That meant I got to be a brat bossing adults around. The recruiter made a side note about my instant rank in CMO, and how I'd actually be over him. Also, I was born near Clearwater (only lived there until I was 2), and he said 'so we'll be bringing you back home!' with a warm smile. I hate that asshole, he ruined me. :happydance: However, in my defense, I didn't stop liking Megadeth despite his criticism of them after seeing me in their Train of Consequences shirt.

So it wasn't long before I was in Clearwater. I started in the EPF, and had the pleasure of being yelled at a lot, by Mr. Englehart. Since the Sea Org may be where a lot of people don't know much about (even most Scientologists), I'll get into more detail here.

First off, I think EVERYONE gets this first question wrong (the first time) when filling out the application for the Sea Org. It's "Do you approach Scientology with an open mind?" and the wrong answer is "yes". They just explain what that actually means and your answer changes to "no".

So my parents gave me 100-200 bucks for cash. Since they were still qualifying me in, they apparently couldn't let me stay at the Hacienda, and I had to stay in a room at a nearby Flag-public-motel, but get this... they made me use my spending cash on it! To this day that makes me seethe. They basically pocketed my money.

Part of the application process was obtaining a legal guardian. I never saw this person, except once during christmas. It was a bunch of BS. They only did it as a legal requirement and nothing more. So much for 2nd Dynamic.

So anyway, first week in, on put to work in the EPF. It's hard work. We're doing all kinds of stuff. Just everything, and all 'snap and pop'. It was my first dose of slavery. In fact, I didn't even get paid (everyone else did) those few dollars we were supposed to be paid per week. It was weeks, perhaps months before I finally got a little cash for my needs.

Anything from 'white-gloving' hotel rooms (and folding the ends of toilet paper into pretty triangles I might add), carrying stoves from one hacienda suite to another (yes. Me and one other 13 year-old hand-carried a full-size oven across a parking lot in the Hacienda, in 120 Degree weather (according to a thermo. The asphalt can get really hot out there). At the time I weighed about 120 pounds. I was not a very strong kid, though I did lift weights in middle-school... but still.

Other tasks included washing dishes for 1000+ staff members (yes it's actually not that hard with the big machine, but I got weird marks all over my belly after a lot of that... they went away, but I think it was some type of disease). Scrub-scrub-scrubbing gigantic pots and pans etc.

A couple weeks in, it was found out that I am not qualified for CMO. I had some homosexual relations at the age of 10 (I'm not gay), and they deemed those CMO-disqualifying. Man, it's sad they actually read the details of that incident. I was actually seduced and molested at the age of 10 by someone older and bigger than me. But anyhow, that disqualified me. When I initially filled out the application I 'spaced' the homosexual part of it, and I even was clean on a meter-check with it. But it came up later when I re-qualled/double-qual'ed whatever. If I was actually gay however, no Sea Org for me.

For whatever reason, I couldn't be in the Cadet Org (or maybe I could but they chose another route). So they put me through TTC, and I would be an 'apprentice' to avoid the much-needed hand of the law.

So I got through my EPF. I wasn't even fully qualified. There was one little tidbit that had to do with being a good leader at some point during all our slavery, and the ONE time I was the I/C of a child-slave-group, I actually stepped down and gave it to an older and more leader-like person.

But anyway, it's all BS, and Mr. Englehart overlooked that. However, there was another snag that Englehart didn't want to pass over, but the people in the TTC decided to overlook that, which was my aptitude test. Going in, my aptitude was fine (IQ was like 125 or something). But during my time int he EPF, I was looking through the Qual Library at the Coachman, and stumbled across some cheat-sheets. I tried to apply that to the aptitudetest later, but I guess I didn't read the cheat-sheet right and I failed miserably.

Mr. Englehart protested against the TTC-pushers, about my aptitude, but I somehow got through.

I attended my first mass-Flag muster thingy, and was exposed to the bitchery of Debbie Cook. For some reason I kept imagining stabbing myself and jumping off a nearby bridge throughout that whole meeting. Later on, those suicidal thoughts stopped, and I started suffering through all her savage bitchery by imagining myself shooting her with machine guns. I'm not joking. No I never took any actual violent action, but I had very violent thoughts pointed at Debbie Cook (whom I never spoke to personally). Although sometimes I was actually thinking like a good ol' Scientologist and genuinely smiled at all the good stuff she said (but she did bitch, whine and yell at us a lot).

My TTC-days were like this though: Get to course at 7am, finish at 10pm, Monday-Monday. Every other Saturday, we have time to do laundry, and that's it.

Early on, a couple friends of mine, one from the EPF, one already in the Sea Org, had a love affair. They had sex but were not married and they were thrown into the RPF because of that. At the time, no one had graduated from the RPF for about several years from what I was told. Also we weren't to talk to the RPF people most of the time. It was awkward seeing that girl at the laundry mat and not saying anything to eachother. Although I probably could have and been fine, I was a bit conflicted and decided at the time to just 'follow orders'.

Anyway, it was during my time there, I really started to break out. I think it was partially due to me sitting down all day and reading and demoing, and reading, and listening to lectures, etc.

I still wasn't getting paid much, and I decided for some reason, to start stealing from One Stoppe Shoppe. At first I stole good stuff, like dictionaries. Then I stole neat stuff, like key-chains and portable CD-players. They had me on camera the whole time, and they let that go on for a bit before telling Flag. I also stole some pajamas from this non-Scientologist store across the street. They caught me too, but only on camera, and I guess Flag reimbursed them or something.

I did eventually start getting paid the 20-some dollars, but I never received back-pay.

I'm pretty sure I got away with some of the stealing, but not most of it. I basically just walked in there and took stuff when I thought no one was looking. It was a mentally hard time for me, what can I say.

I also started blatantly glibbing through my courses. At one point I came down with a goofy look on my face, and showed the supervisor my record-breaking low-score, from this weird-sudden management course we had to take. He got all angry, and pushed me out of the course room, telling me to get on ethics. I flew back a good 5 feet, but I didn't fall over.

I was on ethics for awhile, they started to like me and joke with me down there. But occasionally one of the hardcore ethics bitches from hell would come and yell at me. I just wrote O/Ws all day and worked for the mess-hall. I remember one chick, coming down and telling me 'You probably jack off at night!' like it was a common attribute to out-ethics young males. In fact, I did jack off at night, but I never ever wrote that down as an overt. That's one thing my Dad convinced me when I was young, wasn't bad. So screw her. I can write o/w's get f/ns, and never mention in writing that I ever masturbated. :thumbsup: You have to draw the line somewhere.

As you can tell, this was the upward spiral for me, and you could tell I was on my way out. I was frequent warned of possibly becoming an SP. I was given a lot of 'reality checks' about what kind of shit I was in.

At one point, I called our TTC-head-person a bitch, to her face. Yeah her and her friendly assistant came down to ethics to visit me, and as usual, our TTC head was like a mini-Debbie Cook, only in my face and talking to me, and not 700 people at once.

So they threw me back in EPF (Category B or something?) and I was there for a bit. Mr. Englehart was more friendly to me this time around (actually he was always pretty cool, he just yelled at us sometimes, but he was funny and stuff). He was supportive of me going back home, and saw my time there as temporary, and part of the program to get me out, and back into the real world. I remember being so utterly traumatized by this point, that there was a couple times he and someone else prevented me from getting myself killed or injured. One time we were simply crossing the street, and I walked right into the street, and he yanked me back. I remember that I wasn't deliberately suicidal, I was just 'barely alive' in my mind. One time I passed out during the day, on my bed. I woke up with super-dry tongue, and I still have crack-marks to this day from that. I just wanted to die, and felt like the walking dead half the time anyway.

I was really neurotic at this point, and just having all kinds of trouble. I was working on a 'high-profile' project, which was helping to set up stage, and laser lights, and working crazy hours for the event-to-be that David Miscavage was going to speak at. At one point we were up for 24+ hours straight, non-stop, and it wasn't just us in the EPF, it was also the people from Golden Era that were working these crazy hours. When we did get sleep it was like 3 hours. This wasn't even the RPF. I remember we got some scrap lead parts, and they had these two Russian EPF'ers melt it, and make extra weights for the stage.

While I was en-route during this project, I was whisked away (willingly) to security at the Fort Harrison. It was friendly there mostly. There was this little room with a bunch of us ethics cases who are 'on the way out'. One lady was one the meaner bitches from Ethics. Apparently she had a psychotic episode tried to commit suicide, so they were sending her back to Italy. I was confronted about the stealing I did, and stuff like that.

Me on the other hand, they decided I was coming along well, and set me up to be an 'apprentice' Course Admin (because I was still 13.). I just read the mini-hat, and was a Course Admin for a few days. What happened was some musical chairs I was in the midst of, but whatever. I got to deliver some auditing-videos to RTC once, and the RTC-guy was annoyed at my presence, being an unfamiliar face.

I didn't last long there. Just a few days, I went to go take out the trash, and between the Coachmen and the Fort Harrison, I just decided to walk towards Tampa instead. I ripped off the petty-officer patch from my black jacket, and just kept on walking. It was past 10pm when I started.

I made it pretty damn far too. My goal was to reach Tampa Bay airport and call my Mom. I made it to about the middle of the Old Tampa Bay highway. Several times, I tried to lay down and sleep, but it was too cold. I was walking along the side-part, not the main-highway. This red-car slowly passed me by, on that 1-lane side-portion of the highway, (they probably called the cops), and not longer after, I was picked up by a police-officer.

I figured I was in deep-shit, he asked me if I want to go to the Runaway home or the Hacienda, and I said the Hacienda, but he took me to the runaway home (I guess he just wanted to see what my answer would be). I was pretty paranoid.

That was an interesting one-nighter. I was taken back to the Hacienda the next day, and then flown home at the expense of my Dad that same day. They wanted to avoid an incident with the press so they just quickly sent me away. I was given a program (written in my Hacienda room by one of the real friendly Ethics ladies), hand-written on paper, to pay off my freeloader's debt, do certain courses, and come back by the age of 17. I left about a month before I would turn 14.

When I first came back, I was an Mr. Sea Org asshole at the house. Despite my obvious out-ethics, I just knew so much damn policy, and so much of what was 'right' by the page, at the time, that I couldn't stand to be around my half-assed Scientology family. It was extremely hard to be myself again. Although my little brother and I got along great, he was still mostly a toddler, and was really happy to see me. I got him to clean his room, but not in a mean way. Looking back, my sister at the time was laughable apathetic about tidying up the house.

However, my Dad on the other hand was mean. Heck, even Mr. Englehart told me my Dad was an asshole, (he talked to him on the phone and stuff when I was on the EPF for the second time). He came home day and said he was PTS to me. Just crap like that going on all the time. At one point my sister screamed 'I hate scientology!', and of course that made her an SP, but no one mentioned that, thankfully. She also gave herself a truly suicidal cut to her arm during the chaos one night. She did everything someone who actually wants suicide is supposed to do with a knife. She cut down the inside of her left arm, long-wise, and it was about 1/4 inch deep. As much as I've wanted to commit suicide throughout my life, I could never see myself willing to put up with that kind of pain. She didn't die, she was rushed to the hospital, stitched up, and survived. I don't know if she was on drugs or something, because that must of hurt like crazy at first (though I know the pain doesn't run deep, but still, it was a deep and long cut). Keep in mind, my Dad is doing all he can to avoid real-world therapy for anyone in our family even then. He said it was a good thing they don't have health insurance, because then my sister would have been on psyche lines for sure. Also I was blamed for her suicide attempt. It probably was partially my fault, but bear in mind, I'm a middle child here, and during her attempt, my Mom and Dad were in the house.

Well enough of that. So at 16 our family split apart (Mom with Sister, me, Dad, and Brother with Grandparents on our father's side). It wasn't a conflict of my parents getting divorced or something, it was Mom getting really sick, and quitting staff at the org, and Dad not making any money, plus domestic violence. Also, at one point my Dad suggested I get emancipated. I actually ran away for a bit, a few times. I did smoke marijuana a few times, but I never did the more hard-core drugs, having acquired knowledge from my older sister about her experiences with that.

So we're a couple hours away from Mom now. I'm working a steady job and attending highschool, despite my poor grade-history from Freshman and Sophomore year, the 3 of us boys even did some martial arts, and the best part is, we were far away from the Church. At this time I'm still a 'Scientologist' though. After being in the Sea Org, I was often pummeled with responsibility since I was practically the only person with that kind of experience. Being in the TTC makes you a walking LRH library.

At 17, I snapped for some reason, and was pulled over by police, because I was driving crazily, (not hurting anyone though). Well I passed all there DUI tests, but it was apparent that I was a bit looney that night so they took me to station. I ended up losing my temper there and they hog-tied me. Then in the ER, I was completely gone. Just utterly and completely gone, no turning back. I was also charged with a felony.

So I went to the Mental Institution, and was transferred twice, eventually to the State Mental Institution. After a few weeks, I was let go, and told to continue taking Zyprexa. I quit taking that immediately of my own free will and encouragement from Dad. Supposedly this particular drug doesn't cause suicidal withdrawal symptoms, but regardless, I was very much ready to commit suicide at this point. Having finished my psycho-cycle, I of course, looked back at myself and saw less reason to continue living. I started researching online about committing suicide, but you may know how that goes. You try to take the painless method, but at the same time, you are stupid about it, because you don't actually want to die. So basically, I made me a big cup of 60 Tylenol pills, from my Grandma's medicine cabinet, with some water and lots of sugar. I'm not exaggerating. Fortunately, the water helped me in that it was easier to barf later.

Anyway, I drank this big cup of suicidal juice, and decided to go take a nice scenic walk. I went a long time feeling like crap before I noticed any extreme side-effects. Basically I felt kind of 'not there', but it's not some kind of pleasant high either. I still felt fully conscious and just overall, like crap.

I walked back home, and then basically had endless retching, turned dry-retching all night, and I went to the hospital after. For the longest time no one knew exactly what was going on. My Dad had a bout with appendicitis the week before, and the word around the house was how odd it would be if I had the same thing.

Since then, I've cleaned up the juvenile record, I was stellar in probation, but nonetheless, it wasn't until maybe a year ago, after being mentally hospitalized a couple times again, that I realized Scientology is complete and utter bullshit.

I've been married for 3 years, we have a kid on the way too. I don't really know how long I can go without some sort of horrible bipolorish cycle but I have felt a lot better since I've abandoned Scientology. It was a gradual thing for me.

So that's my story as it relates to Scientology. I'm trying to remain as anonymous as possible regarding this, since I'm sort of infamous among certain CoS people. I haven't been officially declared to my knowledge, but whatever, I hope I am, so they are more or less guaranteed to stay away from me.

Yeah it was a huge wall of text. I still left a lot of finer details out. But I just want at least someone outside of my family to be aware of my royally fucked upbringing. My sister is crazier than ever these days. I think she's still conflicted over being a Scientologist unfortunately. She's on Psyche-meds, but often times she comes off and gets crazy.

tl;dr version:

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Free to shine

Shiny & Free
Thankyou so much for telling your story and welcome to ESMB.

I understand a lot of the conflict that can arise with the drug situation in a family, and I think it's so terrible that a child is subjected to being sent away to the Sea Org like that.

You are brave to have survived and I hope you have found some semblance of peace now. Being brought up in a scientology family makes the task particularly hard, and I hope reading and posting here helps. :)

Wisened One

:omg: Shin00bi :no:

:omg: :no:

:hug: and :hug: again for telling your story.

Sooooo glad you are OUT. You concentrate on feeling the love and happiness of your life OUT, now. Thank you ever so much for sharing your heartwrenching story!:bigcry:

This will help many other ex'ers and lurkers, alike.

I think you should post your story over at http://www.exscientologykids.com too.

Colleen K. Peltomaa

Silver Meritorious Patron
Sea Org and Families are like oil and vinegar -- they just don't mix well. Most Church members are low on the Bridge and most church members are not getting the processing they need to help them in their relationships.

But the Church can only apply heavier and heavier ethics to compensate for their growing inability to provide simple and effective processes.


New Member
Yeah, I'll have to revise it and correct more of the blatant errors. I'll post it over there.

I'm just happy I got out before I have any kids.


New Member
No she never was. Never will be. I never tried to push it on her, I was already beginning to fall out when I met her. When we were dating I kept Scn to myself. Although there was a time when I acted as 'body-router' and stuff at a Volunteer Minister tent, after we were married, but that was my last major thing I did for Scn.

She's passively Catholic, and I'm officially agnostic.

My Dad has even started to drift away from Scientology to an extent, but his bridge-goals are still there. He dabbled in Mormonism a bit, because his business partner got him to, but he decided not to go through with it because they don't believe in past lives, and he has some 'memories' from past lives.

Mom has been quietly anti-Scn to an extent. At one point she got mad at me for not taking my meds (I'm not on any at present), when I was still Scientolofied.

There was talk of holding a CoS court-thingy in order to declare Mom and Dad I believe. Dad would go there to defend himself, but Mom would just want to let it happen. If I was supposed to show up, I'd either stay at home or go over there and yell at them all. :angry:

I never got any auditing beyond Introductory. I always felt, growing up, that I really needed it. I still have nothing I would claim as a past-life-time memory, or anything paranormal (aside from previous avid beliefs about the more crazy stuff in Scientology).

The main thing I miss is friends. I've lost friends I grew up with in the Church. Some of them are in the SO, and others continue to act mostly punk rock and keeping their Scientology secret to the general populace. I remember after I blew from Flag at 13, one of my friend's wasn't allowed to hang out with me until I got back on the bridge, which I never did. That was a friend I knew since I was 4, and we used to bounce on the beds at the Nanny's space.

Wisened One

Well that's good that you have each other, regardless. I personally WANT hubby and I to be declared, get it over with. Ya know? (If you wanna read my story: Go into 'Leaving The Church' forum, then 'Ok, I'm telling more of my leave story' thread. Read that one from the first post onward. You'll see at first how 'scared' I was to tell my story on here, too. Made it all vague,etc. Then, with each reply and more postings, I end up telling my leave story with more details of which Org, dates and even my real name. Nothing has happened to me (from OSA I mean)...nor will it. It was SUCH a relief to share my real name and story. (There's even a thread on here where we all got up the nerve (thanks to Chaotic Psychotic) to post our real pictures for a few days..some still have theirs up as avatars. (Zinj,etc).

The MORE of us who come forward with our stories, the more we bring $camology to light and keep others away and hopefully get a bunch OUT, you know?

And I know what you mean about losing friends. I have a dear friend who's a die-hard Public, and we're very close (via phone that is) and I don't want to lose this friend, either if the truth ever comes out that I'm posting here, and am now anti/out,etc.. But if it happens, then so be it!

Keep sharing more of your stories and go to exscientologykids.com to post them there too. It helps a lot of us to heal, realize and HELP others for REAL!:)