IMMORTAL
Patron Meritorious
I’m in the same boat. When I finally felt that I needed to make myself known to those closest to me and be more honest about my viewpoints, I gently and individually had a little communication with each of them and lightly touched on some tiny concern. To them, this was a huge opening. It just doesn’t happen that a died-in-the-wool Scientologist, like they thought of me, would say anything negative at all about any aspect of Scientology, so I was hoping this would get their attention. One to one, they did not fail to notice my bait and pounced on it immediately. Mind you, this was a very small thing that I could’ve easily backed out of or justified in some way to save my Scientology status and not cause a problem had it gone the “wrong” way.
As a result, every single one of them came forth with their own stories and how long they’ve been out, varying in time from 5 to up to 14 years. Some are still under the radar for financial or other reasons and so, in order to protect their interest in case there is any connection to me, I’m also still under the radar.
If I look though, if they would’ve “come out” and told me their position on the church years ago, that would’ve caused me problems on my bridge progress. This would’ve caused me to either have to disconnect from them and continue my bridge, or to give up my bridge in order to maintain contact with them. I’m glad I didn’t have to be involved in making that choice. As a result, I had a relatively smooth haul to my goal with minimal interference. I did what I wanted and achieved what I’d been striving for all those years.
Even very religious peripheral relatives who knew the score about Scientology didn’t interfere with me. They respected my choices. They were, after all, mine and I would have to live with them either way. But, they chose to let me be and make my own way through it. They’d told me over the years where they stood so I knew that; but they did not continue to rake me over the coals about it and maintained an open communication line with me which included love to me and acceptance with who I was. This was valuable to me then and over the years, and when I was ready to start looking for answers and needed their support.
Now, after all is said and done, I can say I appreciate that they did not make waves for me while I was so engrossed in achieving my goals in Scientology. I would’ve had to spend more time with the MAA, buy more intensives, maybe never make the goal I’d been striving for all those years. They did, however, occasionally put little threads out there to make it easy for me to know that I could talk to them about it when the time came. Little pieces of information, like maybe not even a word. Maybe it was just a look or facial expression that conveyed to me that they would be there for me when the time came. So, I knew that and felt relatively safe with my little communication bait when the time did come.
Sigh, but for me now, it is a bit of the dilemma you mention. I’m okay as long as I stick to communication on ESMB or other similar communication, or with the folks I’m “out” with, but as soon as I start to communicate to someone who is still “in” or a "believer", I feel like a hypocrite, a liar, a pretender, a fake. I don’t like it and want to not feel that way. But, I know the repercussions of what would happen if I satisfied my own desire with these people and told them where I stood so I could feel better about myself. Right now it would not work out well for them and there are many more of them than just the one me.
Plus, if they are like me, and I trust most of them are, they will eventually come to the same point of enough integrity violations or cognitive dissonance like I did, that the balance will tip and they will start their own search for answers. I plant little seeds where I can to help them along. They will know that I will be here for them when they reach that point.
I could easily just come out and tell them I'm out and why they should be, but if someone would've done that with me, while I was still so involved, I would have not listened, been forced to report the situation and would've had to make some seriously hard choices.
Everyone’s situation is a little bit different and each person has to evaluate for themselves what is best for them and theirs. Just my two cents.
As a result, every single one of them came forth with their own stories and how long they’ve been out, varying in time from 5 to up to 14 years. Some are still under the radar for financial or other reasons and so, in order to protect their interest in case there is any connection to me, I’m also still under the radar.
If I look though, if they would’ve “come out” and told me their position on the church years ago, that would’ve caused me problems on my bridge progress. This would’ve caused me to either have to disconnect from them and continue my bridge, or to give up my bridge in order to maintain contact with them. I’m glad I didn’t have to be involved in making that choice. As a result, I had a relatively smooth haul to my goal with minimal interference. I did what I wanted and achieved what I’d been striving for all those years.
Even very religious peripheral relatives who knew the score about Scientology didn’t interfere with me. They respected my choices. They were, after all, mine and I would have to live with them either way. But, they chose to let me be and make my own way through it. They’d told me over the years where they stood so I knew that; but they did not continue to rake me over the coals about it and maintained an open communication line with me which included love to me and acceptance with who I was. This was valuable to me then and over the years, and when I was ready to start looking for answers and needed their support.
Now, after all is said and done, I can say I appreciate that they did not make waves for me while I was so engrossed in achieving my goals in Scientology. I would’ve had to spend more time with the MAA, buy more intensives, maybe never make the goal I’d been striving for all those years. They did, however, occasionally put little threads out there to make it easy for me to know that I could talk to them about it when the time came. Little pieces of information, like maybe not even a word. Maybe it was just a look or facial expression that conveyed to me that they would be there for me when the time came. So, I knew that and felt relatively safe with my little communication bait when the time did come.
Sigh, but for me now, it is a bit of the dilemma you mention. I’m okay as long as I stick to communication on ESMB or other similar communication, or with the folks I’m “out” with, but as soon as I start to communicate to someone who is still “in” or a "believer", I feel like a hypocrite, a liar, a pretender, a fake. I don’t like it and want to not feel that way. But, I know the repercussions of what would happen if I satisfied my own desire with these people and told them where I stood so I could feel better about myself. Right now it would not work out well for them and there are many more of them than just the one me.
Plus, if they are like me, and I trust most of them are, they will eventually come to the same point of enough integrity violations or cognitive dissonance like I did, that the balance will tip and they will start their own search for answers. I plant little seeds where I can to help them along. They will know that I will be here for them when they reach that point.
I could easily just come out and tell them I'm out and why they should be, but if someone would've done that with me, while I was still so involved, I would have not listened, been forced to report the situation and would've had to make some seriously hard choices.
Everyone’s situation is a little bit different and each person has to evaluate for themselves what is best for them and theirs. Just my two cents.