sallydannce
Gold Meritorious Patron
The door opens as we say good-bye…
It was lovely calm warm evening and we were sitting on my front porch. We were celebrating our “friendly divorce” – we each had a small glass of wine for the occasion. Hell it ain’t every day you get to file for divorce, indulge a little I say. Patrick was here a few weeks ago to file the papers in the court to dissolve our marriage. A calm “joint dissolution application”, neatly filled out and signed by both of us.
I like to think it was a very healing time, for both of us.
The day we went to the courthouse, I cried a lot - hiding in toilets and throwing cold water over my face to try to hide my puffy eyes and red nose. But he knew and he was very patient and kind to me.
Sitting on the porch, we talked about his life in Asia and how my life was going. I told him I had forgiven him - for the cheating part. And I have. It took time, it took a lot of deep digging, but I forgive him. I put my hand on his arm, looked him in the eyes and said “I forgive you. Please go live your life well and peacefully.”
Then he said something to me which, later, became a huge door.
He said that his life was better for having been married to me, for having spent all those years with me. I successfully fought back my tears. And then he said “maybe we might have made it if we hadn’t had so much bullshit from the church”.
And there it was, out in the open. The truth hung thickly in the air. The edges of a cold harsh reality twitched and a closed door deep within me began to open. The cold harsh reality of what the cult had really done. And let me put this in very plain English – it wasn’t the “management stuffing up”, it was pure Hubbard “tech”.
I sat quietly, sipping my wine. We were both silent. The air was heavy with sadness - pure authentic sadness. Neither of us had been able to make sense of what the hell had really gone wrong with our marriage, why it had all blown up in our faces when we were both genuinely committed.
Fragile and hesitant I said good-bye to him, and as I watched his car drive down the road I sensed I was ready to face the final challenge for all that had happened. As the days passed more and more memories came back and details I had submerged in a pile of pure denial, pure trauma - lost in the final strands of the pure mess in my head - came back.
And I finally faced the reality that the cults interference in my marriage has left me childless. The memories, they don’t just go. They sit deep inside and fabulously fester and then one day, they resurface. I began to bash them into a meaningful tapestry. I have never roared so loudly as the day I truly faced what the cruel bastard known as L Ron Hubbard had done.
The endless poison that had been pumped into Patrick, filling his head with fear and threats that I was going to ruin his chance at freedom. Knowledge reports I could remember. One bullshit thing after another, I slapped them all onto the tapestry I was stitching together. So many things made sense. Finally!
For the next week or so I watched the memories of my life in the cult unfold for my inspection. Details I had long forgotten drifted their way back into view and I struggled to keep up with the clarity of the picture they were painting. The anger was fierce! The Hubbard policies we had lived our life by, like some sort of frenzied fanatical guidance; the things Patrick had said to me as the marriage hit the craggy rocks; pieces and pieces of jagged truth drifted in and I pieced it together. The cult had taken my chance at motherhood by using threats of disconnection and eternal misery on my husband.
Some might say he was weak to swallow down all the toxic crap. To them I simply say Patrick is one of the finest men you could meet. Yes he cheated (badly), yes he did stuff which hurt like hell but there is a way bigger picture surrounding that behaviour. He is highly intelligent, kind, generous, patient and gives the world way more than he takes. He got conned just like so many others who get infected with Hubbard’s methods. To say “he was weak” is to exonerate the core of the toxicity, of the cruelty, of the traumatic life-destroying madness – Hubbard’s scientology.
The big picture tells us the truth.
And that truth has set me free.
Free to grieve. Free to love. Free to forgive. Free to feel it all. Free to connect to all of life. Free to reframe concepts any damn way I please! Free to suck the juice out of all of life!
And so this story ends. It ends with me knowing why I am childless. It ends with my dreams of motherhood never fulfilled, with an aching heart which I will find a way to heal as time passes. Someone on this board has kindly offered to loan me a book for childless women – I am so grateful for the love and support I have in my life. A dear friend has sent me a link to a wonderful support site for childless women. I am going to explore that. I have a highly skilled therapist I see every few weeks. I am working towards reframing life as a childless woman.
My life is full of love. My life is full of hope. It has been a magnificent journey. I did it! I made it all the way home! I got my mind back! I got myself back!
Free to really dance, at last!
I’ll still be around ESMB, being grateful for all of you, loving you, with all of my heart. I do not know a way to tell how much you all matter to me. I guess all I can do is quietly say I absolutely love you! You are such a stunning group of people. Boisterous, bold and brilliant with your many colours and views, it is truly an honour to be a part of this community.
With deep gratitude and love,
Glenda
It was lovely calm warm evening and we were sitting on my front porch. We were celebrating our “friendly divorce” – we each had a small glass of wine for the occasion. Hell it ain’t every day you get to file for divorce, indulge a little I say. Patrick was here a few weeks ago to file the papers in the court to dissolve our marriage. A calm “joint dissolution application”, neatly filled out and signed by both of us.
I like to think it was a very healing time, for both of us.
The day we went to the courthouse, I cried a lot - hiding in toilets and throwing cold water over my face to try to hide my puffy eyes and red nose. But he knew and he was very patient and kind to me.
Sitting on the porch, we talked about his life in Asia and how my life was going. I told him I had forgiven him - for the cheating part. And I have. It took time, it took a lot of deep digging, but I forgive him. I put my hand on his arm, looked him in the eyes and said “I forgive you. Please go live your life well and peacefully.”
Then he said something to me which, later, became a huge door.
He said that his life was better for having been married to me, for having spent all those years with me. I successfully fought back my tears. And then he said “maybe we might have made it if we hadn’t had so much bullshit from the church”.
And there it was, out in the open. The truth hung thickly in the air. The edges of a cold harsh reality twitched and a closed door deep within me began to open. The cold harsh reality of what the cult had really done. And let me put this in very plain English – it wasn’t the “management stuffing up”, it was pure Hubbard “tech”.
I sat quietly, sipping my wine. We were both silent. The air was heavy with sadness - pure authentic sadness. Neither of us had been able to make sense of what the hell had really gone wrong with our marriage, why it had all blown up in our faces when we were both genuinely committed.
Fragile and hesitant I said good-bye to him, and as I watched his car drive down the road I sensed I was ready to face the final challenge for all that had happened. As the days passed more and more memories came back and details I had submerged in a pile of pure denial, pure trauma - lost in the final strands of the pure mess in my head - came back.
And I finally faced the reality that the cults interference in my marriage has left me childless. The memories, they don’t just go. They sit deep inside and fabulously fester and then one day, they resurface. I began to bash them into a meaningful tapestry. I have never roared so loudly as the day I truly faced what the cruel bastard known as L Ron Hubbard had done.
The endless poison that had been pumped into Patrick, filling his head with fear and threats that I was going to ruin his chance at freedom. Knowledge reports I could remember. One bullshit thing after another, I slapped them all onto the tapestry I was stitching together. So many things made sense. Finally!
For the next week or so I watched the memories of my life in the cult unfold for my inspection. Details I had long forgotten drifted their way back into view and I struggled to keep up with the clarity of the picture they were painting. The anger was fierce! The Hubbard policies we had lived our life by, like some sort of frenzied fanatical guidance; the things Patrick had said to me as the marriage hit the craggy rocks; pieces and pieces of jagged truth drifted in and I pieced it together. The cult had taken my chance at motherhood by using threats of disconnection and eternal misery on my husband.
Some might say he was weak to swallow down all the toxic crap. To them I simply say Patrick is one of the finest men you could meet. Yes he cheated (badly), yes he did stuff which hurt like hell but there is a way bigger picture surrounding that behaviour. He is highly intelligent, kind, generous, patient and gives the world way more than he takes. He got conned just like so many others who get infected with Hubbard’s methods. To say “he was weak” is to exonerate the core of the toxicity, of the cruelty, of the traumatic life-destroying madness – Hubbard’s scientology.
The big picture tells us the truth.
And that truth has set me free.
Free to grieve. Free to love. Free to forgive. Free to feel it all. Free to connect to all of life. Free to reframe concepts any damn way I please! Free to suck the juice out of all of life!
And so this story ends. It ends with me knowing why I am childless. It ends with my dreams of motherhood never fulfilled, with an aching heart which I will find a way to heal as time passes. Someone on this board has kindly offered to loan me a book for childless women – I am so grateful for the love and support I have in my life. A dear friend has sent me a link to a wonderful support site for childless women. I am going to explore that. I have a highly skilled therapist I see every few weeks. I am working towards reframing life as a childless woman.
My life is full of love. My life is full of hope. It has been a magnificent journey. I did it! I made it all the way home! I got my mind back! I got myself back!
Free to really dance, at last!
I’ll still be around ESMB, being grateful for all of you, loving you, with all of my heart. I do not know a way to tell how much you all matter to me. I guess all I can do is quietly say I absolutely love you! You are such a stunning group of people. Boisterous, bold and brilliant with your many colours and views, it is truly an honour to be a part of this community.
With deep gratitude and love,
Glenda
- The end –
Sallydance
