Excellent story; I can relate. I'm just leaving cos now, and I am realizing that all of my thoughts are still bouncing off of ethics, tech and admin! I'm still not sure where I am on the continuum of exes. I've spent 27 years (and $200K+) as Flag public, and can't believe I bought it for so long. I'm working up the courage to submit a request for repayment of funds on account.
- Status
Excellent story; I can relate. I'm just leaving cos now, and I am realizing that all of my thoughts are still bouncing off of ethics, tech and admin! I'm still not sure where I am on the continuum of exes. I've spent 27 years (and $200K+) as Flag public, and can't believe I bought it for so long. I'm working up the courage to submit a request for repayment of funds on account.
Lermanet_com
Gold Meritorious Patron
Wow, good job! sallydance,
----------
Each person that describes their escape route out of Ron's labrynth of lies makes it easier for others...
----------
and your words have reminded me that
The REAL WALL OF FIRE is leaving scientology....
thank you!!
arnie lerma
PS: and re: your comment re belonging: (quoted from another post)
----------
Each person that describes their escape route out of Ron's labrynth of lies makes it easier for others...
----------
and your words have reminded me that
The REAL WALL OF FIRE is leaving scientology....
thank you!!
arnie lerma
PS: and re: your comment re belonging: (quoted from another post)
scooter
Gold Meritorious Patron
Advice for your refund request:
Get your request in asap and refuse to sign anything other than a receipt.
Do NOT go in for "handlings" of any sort, nor discuss ANYTHING over the phone with them - get it all done via email so you have records of everything said and done. Send emails at least every week asking where your refund is.
Give them a max of 30 days after you submit refund request then contact your local Consumer Affairs watchdog (here in NSW in Oz it's the Dept of Fair Trade) and get them to take up your case. send them your emails between you and the cult and send all further correspondence between you and the cult to the Dept or whatever.
Insist the cult send everything via this watchdog to you - have no direct contact with them where possible if they fail to pay you within the first month. Do NOT feel bad about this - the purpose of the "handlings" is to wear you down so that they get to keep YOUR money. Tell the watchdog why you don't want to contact them directly, and tell your local media about it too (and let the watchdog know you are going to the media - it tends to stir them into further action.)
Report compliance to ESMB in the form of progress reports (joke)
Seriously, if you do the above, you'll be amazed how painless getting your money back is. Cult hates having to bs govt watchdogs and will pay soonest if you follow the above steps.
All the best
sallydannce
Gold Meritorious Patron
Re: The storm rages: part one (cont’ more)
Thank you Panda.
This helps me. You mention that you needed to restore your equilibrium after your infrequent visits to Flag...
Upon his return from Flag it seemed as if he was on edge all the time - like he was holding it all together by a fine line. I framed this, at that time, as being a result of his heavy work commitments - the gearing up to going to China, which involved a lot of organisation. But it wasn't that. I framed that wrong. I was still using scientology concepts back then.
Later on I looked at this more.
If you take a human being and intensively try to alter them - try to change them - they lose their balance. If you poke around with people’s emotions, their psychological structure, their sense of who they are, their values - their core beliefs - you are playing with fire.
This is one of the very real dangers of the Hubbard system. It is done intensively. It is done fast. It is rapid-fire mental manipulation (done under the guise of offering total spiritual freedom).
In scientology study is "best done intensively", the auditing (counseling) is done intensively. The constant message throughout so much of what Hubbard wrote was “speed of particle flow” (move things along in a fast manner). It's designed to swamp the person and not allow for reflection or for the individual to adjust. The identity of the individual – his/her unique view of themselves, their world, the way they integrate their educational background, experiences, etc, gets lost and hence the mind-control language/concepts take over. It is by design. Hubbard’s design.
One of the ways I’ve undone the mind-control is to become very deliberate in my actions and take things slowly. I give myself time to make decisions, my way, in my own time.
If you rush a person when dealing with internal matters (values, emotions, etc) you cannot end up with anything but a mess. That mess is all that the Hubbard system produces. It creates people who are not living their lives under their own free will, with original thinking, critical thinking, etc.
You cannot muck around with individuals the way Hubbard’s system does without consequences. You either end up with programmed slaves (Hubbard’s aim) or broken individuals. Hubbard more-or-less says this himself in several of his rants. He says "you either stay within my system or you will be broken". There's a lovely choice right there! Stick with the program or be damned!
As a scientologist, filled up with Hubbard's system, you are constantly juggling with that. Trying to stay plugged into the system or face unspeakable dire consequences.
There is no middle ground playing with Hubbard’s stuff. At least not once you get past the pretty shop-window-front stage – the part where it all looks glittery and enticing. Once you get deep inside the scientology shop, you are bombarded and seduced in a way that is extremely dangerous. If you falter, the pretty shop-window stage is reintroduced to get you back deeper into the shop. Spiritual seduction, at its finest.
The good news is that the programming can be broken and there is a wonderful life to be found after you get Hubbard’s psycho-babble cold-war mentality clutter out of your head.
Here's to life! The way YOU want to live it!
Yes, sallydannce, it makes perfect sense to me too.
I often tell people that it used to routinely take me 2 or 3 weeks to regain my equilibrium after one of my infrequent visits to Flag. I avoided the place like the plague and returned as seldom as possible.
When I tell people about that I usually talk about how fortunate I was to not take any of their duress or incompetent "handling" too seriously. In reading this story I'm beginning to appreciate how truly fortunate I was.
Thank you, again, for writing this.
Thank you Panda.
This helps me. You mention that you needed to restore your equilibrium after your infrequent visits to Flag...
Upon his return from Flag it seemed as if he was on edge all the time - like he was holding it all together by a fine line. I framed this, at that time, as being a result of his heavy work commitments - the gearing up to going to China, which involved a lot of organisation. But it wasn't that. I framed that wrong. I was still using scientology concepts back then.
Later on I looked at this more.
If you take a human being and intensively try to alter them - try to change them - they lose their balance. If you poke around with people’s emotions, their psychological structure, their sense of who they are, their values - their core beliefs - you are playing with fire.
This is one of the very real dangers of the Hubbard system. It is done intensively. It is done fast. It is rapid-fire mental manipulation (done under the guise of offering total spiritual freedom).
In scientology study is "best done intensively", the auditing (counseling) is done intensively. The constant message throughout so much of what Hubbard wrote was “speed of particle flow” (move things along in a fast manner). It's designed to swamp the person and not allow for reflection or for the individual to adjust. The identity of the individual – his/her unique view of themselves, their world, the way they integrate their educational background, experiences, etc, gets lost and hence the mind-control language/concepts take over. It is by design. Hubbard’s design.
One of the ways I’ve undone the mind-control is to become very deliberate in my actions and take things slowly. I give myself time to make decisions, my way, in my own time.
If you rush a person when dealing with internal matters (values, emotions, etc) you cannot end up with anything but a mess. That mess is all that the Hubbard system produces. It creates people who are not living their lives under their own free will, with original thinking, critical thinking, etc.
You cannot muck around with individuals the way Hubbard’s system does without consequences. You either end up with programmed slaves (Hubbard’s aim) or broken individuals. Hubbard more-or-less says this himself in several of his rants. He says "you either stay within my system or you will be broken". There's a lovely choice right there! Stick with the program or be damned!
As a scientologist, filled up with Hubbard's system, you are constantly juggling with that. Trying to stay plugged into the system or face unspeakable dire consequences.
There is no middle ground playing with Hubbard’s stuff. At least not once you get past the pretty shop-window-front stage – the part where it all looks glittery and enticing. Once you get deep inside the scientology shop, you are bombarded and seduced in a way that is extremely dangerous. If you falter, the pretty shop-window stage is reintroduced to get you back deeper into the shop. Spiritual seduction, at its finest.
The good news is that the programming can be broken and there is a wonderful life to be found after you get Hubbard’s psycho-babble cold-war mentality clutter out of your head.
Here's to life! The way YOU want to live it!
sallydannce
Gold Meritorious Patron
Wow! I feel truly touched your first post on ESMB is on my thread. If I could, I would hug you and offer you a cup of tea.
Take your time. Know you are not alone. And know there is loads of love & support here on ESMB. And in the world too - it is actually not the world we were so convinced it was. The world is full of smart, loving, funny, caring people.
Welcome Burned.
sallydannce
Gold Meritorious Patron
Arnie! Thank you!
I have spent hours on your web site, banging around in the vast amount of info you have there. Thank you! Again, with all my heart here, THANK YOU!
It is lonely journey out of the tunnel of Hubbard's mind-control. It is folk like you that have helped keep me going. And I mean that. You, your work, have been with me all the way.
To really and truly crack the programming, rip apart the mind-control walls, takes some digging in and some very long nights. But man it is worth every tear, every breath invested in the work.
If you've ever wondered "why the hell am I doing this?", I stand before you, a reason.
Alive.
afaceinthecrowd
Gold Meritorious Patron
Re: The storm rages: part one (cont’ more)
Sallydance,
YES!!!
This is one of very finest Story Threads ever on ESMB and this is one of the finest Posts re: Scn ever on ESMB, IMO.
Thank You…Thanks a whole bunch.
Your “Intensive, Intensity, Rapidity” insight is something that passed right by me...seems like a no-brainer now that I think about it.
You write from your Heart, with Clarity, Insight, Honesty and Humility. Your words “Speak” to me and I am certain that you are doing a whole lotta goo for a whole lotta folks you will never know about or hear from.
May Peace Be With You.
Face
Thank you Panda.
This helps me. You mention that you needed to restore your equilibrium after your infrequent visits to Flag...
Upon his return from Flag it seemed as if he was on edge all the time - like he was holding it all together by a fine line. I framed this, at that time, as being a result of his heavy work commitments - the gearing up to going to China, which involved a lot of organisation. But it wasn't that. I framed that wrong. I was still using scientology concepts back then.
Later on I looked at this more.
If you take a human being and intensively try to alter them - try to change them - they lose their balance. If you poke around with people’s emotions, their psychological structure, their sense of who they are, their values - their core beliefs - you are playing with fire.
This is one of the very real dangers of the Hubbard system. It is done intensively. It is done fast. It is rapid-fire mental manipulation (done under the guise of offering total spiritual freedom).
In scientology study is "best done intensively", the auditing (counseling) is done intensively. The constant message throughout so much of what Hubbard wrote was “speed of particle flow” (move things along in a fast manner). It's designed to swamp the person and not allow for reflection or for the individual to adjust. The identity of the individual – his/her unique view of themselves, their world, the way they integrate their educational background, experiences, etc, gets lost and hence the mind-control language/concepts take over. It is by design. Hubbard’s design.
One of the ways I’ve undone the mind-control is to become very deliberate in my actions and take things slowly. I give myself time to make decisions, my way, in my own time.
If you rush a person when dealing with internal matters (values, emotions, etc) you cannot end up with anything but a mess. That mess is all that the Hubbard system produces. It creates people who are not living their lives under their own free will, with original thinking, critical thinking, etc.
You cannot muck around with individuals the way Hubbard’s system does without consequences. You either end up with programmed slaves (Hubbard’s aim) or broken individuals. Hubbard more-or-less says this himself in several of his rants. He says "you either stay within my system or you will be broken". There's a lovely choice right there! Stick with the program or be damned!
As a scientologist, filled up with Hubbard's system, you are constantly juggling with that. Trying to stay plugged into the system or face unspeakable dire consequences.
There is no middle ground playing with Hubbard’s stuff. At least not once you get past the pretty shop-window-front stage – the part where it all looks glittery and enticing. Once you get deep inside the scientology shop, you are bombarded and seduced in a way that is extremely dangerous. If you falter, the pretty shop-window stage is reintroduced to get you back deeper into the shop. Spiritual seduction, at its finest.
The good news is that the programming can be broken and there is a wonderful life to be found after you get Hubbard’s psycho-babble cold-war mentality clutter out of your head.
Here's to life! The way YOU want to live it!
Sallydance,
YES!!!
This is one of very finest Story Threads ever on ESMB and this is one of the finest Posts re: Scn ever on ESMB, IMO.
Thank You…Thanks a whole bunch.
Your “Intensive, Intensity, Rapidity” insight is something that passed right by me...seems like a no-brainer now that I think about it.
You write from your Heart, with Clarity, Insight, Honesty and Humility. Your words “Speak” to me and I am certain that you are doing a whole lotta goo for a whole lotta folks you will never know about or hear from.
May Peace Be With You.
Face
Boojuum
Silver Meritorious Patron
Re: The storm rages: part one (cont’ more)
Excellent observation and a bit of truth. I'd see people returning from FLAG and falling apart again and again. It was predictable and unhealthy for the individual.
LRH believed in the instant fix. Life doesn't work that way.
Excellent observation and a bit of truth. I'd see people returning from FLAG and falling apart again and again. It was predictable and unhealthy for the individual.
LRH believed in the instant fix. Life doesn't work that way.
Panda Termint
Cabal Of One
Re: The storm rages: part one (cont’ more)
Yes, Sallydannce, that is exactly what I observed and it's coupled with an additional factor on the Solo NOTs line-up. You somehow have to appear as if you fit into this bizarre world where almost everybody apparently accepts the bizarre as "normal", it's quite feat. Almost every Solo NOTs auditor will tell you of the relief experienced upon escaping Flag with his/her senses intact. I understand why we put up with it, I just have trouble believing that we did.
Keep telling it, I believe that Face has it right; this is a VERY important story.
I agree wholeheartedly with Face, it is an EXCELLENT post.Sallydance,
YES!!!
This is one of very finest Story Threads ever on ESMB and this is one of the finest Posts re: Scn ever on ESMB, IMO.
Thank You…Thanks a whole bunch.
Your “Intensive, Intensity, Rapidity” insight is something that passed right by me...seems like a no-brainer now that I think about it.
You write from your Heart, with Clarity, Insight, Honesty and Humility. Your words “Speak” to me and I am certain that you are doing a whole lotta goo for a whole lotta folks you will never know about or hear from.
May Peace Be With You.
Face
Yes, Sallydannce, that is exactly what I observed and it's coupled with an additional factor on the Solo NOTs line-up. You somehow have to appear as if you fit into this bizarre world where almost everybody apparently accepts the bizarre as "normal", it's quite feat. Almost every Solo NOTs auditor will tell you of the relief experienced upon escaping Flag with his/her senses intact. I understand why we put up with it, I just have trouble believing that we did.
Keep telling it, I believe that Face has it right; this is a VERY important story.
Lermanet_com
Gold Meritorious Patron
Arnie! Thank you!
I have spent hours on your web site, banging around in the vast amount of info you have there. Thank you! Again, with all my heart here, THANK YOU!
It is lonely journey out of the tunnel of Hubbard's mind-control. It is folk like you that have helped keep me going. And I mean that. You, your work, have been with me all the way.
To really and truly crack the programming, rip apart the mind-control walls, takes some digging in and some very long nights. But man it is worth every tear, every breath invested in the work.
If you've ever wondered "why the hell am I doing this?", I stand before you, a reason.
Alive.
May I reply with a Chinese proverb?
"if you want happiness for an hour; take a nap.
If you want happiness for a day; go fishing.
If you want happiness for a month; get married.
If you want happiness for a year; inherit a fortune.
If you want happiness for a lifetime; help someone else."
Thank you..
arnie lerma
sallydannce
Gold Meritorious Patron
Re: The storm rages: part one (cont’ more)
My bolding above.
Thanks Panda.
I believe a lot of the answers to our questions are in what Hubbard wrote.
You say “ I understand why we put up with it, I just have trouble believing that we did.”
Quote Hubbard: Third party law
"…one comes upon incredible data. That is the trouble. The incredible is too easily rejected. One way to hide things is to make them incredible."
My bolding above.
There are little clues throughout his writings which tell us what he used on us.
He knew how to hide things. He tells us that the incredible is easily rejected. He designed a system which during the “root system” installation, ensured no one would ever look to him as merely a master manipulator. That’s too incredible. No one would ever question him, could question him. That theme – him running all around the show dodging authorities who dared to question him – runs through his whole life. A man who was often on the run, if you got close to disclosing what he was really doing (or tried to find out) he either ran or destroyed the one who dared to question or expose him.
He created a system which in it’s early introductory stages (the root system installation if you like) is the support for fucking insane branches and leaves. It is incredible the info people are expected to suck up in the name of spiritual freedom. E.g. some of the stuff on the OT levels (that’s probably why he wrote all the fear-mongering stuff about it not being safe to see the OT levels data before you’d been programmed sufficiently. Make it too incredible).
It is incredible the obscene amounts of money people will hand over to get some of Hubbard’s “bridge to total freedom”. It is incredible the duress and sacrifices they put themselves through to get their bridges. It is incredible people will cover-up suicides and God knows what else in this group. It is incredible people will say nothing to the proper authorities when they are witnessing crimes within the group. On and on we can list things which are just plain incredible! Things that leave us, now, shaking our heads – why?
The RPF is another example. It is a cruel and degrading program, to say the least. It is too incredible that people would seem to willingly, like lambs to the slaughter, agree to participate in such degradation. Too incredible.
Hubbard knew how to make things incredible to hide them.
He was a master manipulator. It was sick joke. This man got his kicks off sick jokes. He is no more clever than that. He mastered manipulation. That’s all he did. He didn’t invent anything or crack the code on attaining spiritual freedom - he mostly just edited, re-wrote and re-jigged (plagiarised) stuff he stumbled upon.
He manipulated individuals with a deep sense of obligation (to better the world, to become better individuals, to obey and follow his ideas, etc), threw in some fears/phobias (if you leave me you won’t make it in life/eternity), added a heavy sense of guilt (bad, bad me for questioning the tech, etc.) and… ta da! Scientology was born. Too incredible!
Time after time, those of us that have somehow extracted ourselves from the insidious controls of Hubbard’s system, shake our heads and ask ourselves (or others) “how in God’s name did I think that stuff was real? I just don’t believe how I could have stayed for so long” and similar.
We are in disbelief. Stunned by our own actions, we find ourselves at a loss for words, unable to make any damn sense of how we could have let it all happen to us and others.
Hubbard sat there saying “people will suck up my bullshit because I’ve made it too incredible for them to reject. They all want this freedom thing. Freedom is marketable. I’ll play with them, create my own little empire (resplendent with young girls in hot pants, on a big-boys-toys boat!) make a whole lot of cash and laugh my arse off as I watch the suckers.”
All the rest, to me, is just detail. Layer upon layer of detail which resides under this proposed idea of mine.
I could be wrong but the answers to our questions very much appear to be within the system. He had the impudence to actually tell us what he was doing to us. That was part of his sick demented sense of humour.
What motivates such a man! Boredom? Greed? Lust for power?
Maybe. Or maybe his world was so dark and it was all he was capable of – to become a master of manipulation.
What other fucking career choices did a man like have?
p.s. I have several of these things Hubbard wrote which tells us what he was doing.
p.p.s I'd better get back on with writing my story. The life and times of someone who got done over by Hubbard's system and crawled back to her feet!
I agree wholeheartedly with Face, it is an EXCELLENT post.
Yes, Sallydannce, that is exactly what I observed and it's coupled with an additional factor on the Solo NOTs line-up. You somehow have to appear as if you fit into this bizarre world where almost everybody apparently accepts the bizarre as "normal", it's quite feat. Almost every Solo NOTs auditor will tell you of the relief experienced upon escaping Flag with his/her senses intact. I understand why we put up with it, I just have trouble believing that we did.
Keep telling it, I believe that Face has it right; this is a VERY important story.
My bolding above.
Thanks Panda.
I believe a lot of the answers to our questions are in what Hubbard wrote.
You say “ I understand why we put up with it, I just have trouble believing that we did.”
Quote Hubbard: Third party law
"…one comes upon incredible data. That is the trouble. The incredible is too easily rejected. One way to hide things is to make them incredible."
My bolding above.
There are little clues throughout his writings which tell us what he used on us.
He knew how to hide things. He tells us that the incredible is easily rejected. He designed a system which during the “root system” installation, ensured no one would ever look to him as merely a master manipulator. That’s too incredible. No one would ever question him, could question him. That theme – him running all around the show dodging authorities who dared to question him – runs through his whole life. A man who was often on the run, if you got close to disclosing what he was really doing (or tried to find out) he either ran or destroyed the one who dared to question or expose him.
He created a system which in it’s early introductory stages (the root system installation if you like) is the support for fucking insane branches and leaves. It is incredible the info people are expected to suck up in the name of spiritual freedom. E.g. some of the stuff on the OT levels (that’s probably why he wrote all the fear-mongering stuff about it not being safe to see the OT levels data before you’d been programmed sufficiently. Make it too incredible).
It is incredible the obscene amounts of money people will hand over to get some of Hubbard’s “bridge to total freedom”. It is incredible the duress and sacrifices they put themselves through to get their bridges. It is incredible people will cover-up suicides and God knows what else in this group. It is incredible people will say nothing to the proper authorities when they are witnessing crimes within the group. On and on we can list things which are just plain incredible! Things that leave us, now, shaking our heads – why?
The RPF is another example. It is a cruel and degrading program, to say the least. It is too incredible that people would seem to willingly, like lambs to the slaughter, agree to participate in such degradation. Too incredible.
Hubbard knew how to make things incredible to hide them.
He was a master manipulator. It was sick joke. This man got his kicks off sick jokes. He is no more clever than that. He mastered manipulation. That’s all he did. He didn’t invent anything or crack the code on attaining spiritual freedom - he mostly just edited, re-wrote and re-jigged (plagiarised) stuff he stumbled upon.
He manipulated individuals with a deep sense of obligation (to better the world, to become better individuals, to obey and follow his ideas, etc), threw in some fears/phobias (if you leave me you won’t make it in life/eternity), added a heavy sense of guilt (bad, bad me for questioning the tech, etc.) and… ta da! Scientology was born. Too incredible!
Time after time, those of us that have somehow extracted ourselves from the insidious controls of Hubbard’s system, shake our heads and ask ourselves (or others) “how in God’s name did I think that stuff was real? I just don’t believe how I could have stayed for so long” and similar.
We are in disbelief. Stunned by our own actions, we find ourselves at a loss for words, unable to make any damn sense of how we could have let it all happen to us and others.
Hubbard sat there saying “people will suck up my bullshit because I’ve made it too incredible for them to reject. They all want this freedom thing. Freedom is marketable. I’ll play with them, create my own little empire (resplendent with young girls in hot pants, on a big-boys-toys boat!) make a whole lot of cash and laugh my arse off as I watch the suckers.”
All the rest, to me, is just detail. Layer upon layer of detail which resides under this proposed idea of mine.
I could be wrong but the answers to our questions very much appear to be within the system. He had the impudence to actually tell us what he was doing to us. That was part of his sick demented sense of humour.
What motivates such a man! Boredom? Greed? Lust for power?
Maybe. Or maybe his world was so dark and it was all he was capable of – to become a master of manipulation.
What other fucking career choices did a man like have?
p.s. I have several of these things Hubbard wrote which tells us what he was doing.
p.p.s I'd better get back on with writing my story. The life and times of someone who got done over by Hubbard's system and crawled back to her feet!
sallydannce
Gold Meritorious Patron
My foggy lean – part one
I’m not sure how to proceed with this story. It is like scrambled eggs in my head.
I am having to dig deep, to find the energy, the anger - the passion - to piece this together sufficiently so it is somewhere in the region of readable.
Shit I hope this is gonna make sense…
We got back to Shanghai early 2007. Everything is very foggy for me around this time.
Here’s what I can remember.
I could not read. I mean: I. Could. Not. Read.
I have been a prolific reader since childhood. Books are my friends. I love to read!
I have this vague memory of looking at a book and all I could see were black marks on a page. I could not comprehend the words/symbols. At all.
I vaguely remember being terrified. I know I was completely confused as to why I could not comprehend the words.
I have no sense of time in all this – how long I could not read – it might have been for one day, one week or months.
I remember pretending I could read. I would sit with a book or magazine and “act” like I was reading. I’d sit on the sofa by myself, look at the pages (just black marks on some paper) then turn the pages about the time I thought would be an appropriate length of time to have read a page. I’d try to have facial expressions that I thought I usually had when concentrating. God it was terrible. It was so dark and scary.
I remember practising this at home and then going to a café where they had magazines. I sat in the café pretending to read a magazine like I had previously done the year before. It somehow brought me comfort to find some little part of my past. I remember the thought “I used to come into this café, sip coffee and read.”
I remember thinking if I pretended long enough maybe I would remember how to read. I remember putting my finger on the page, pointing at one word and trying to read that one word. I was desperate to find one word I recognised. I remember looking at pictures/photos in magazines and be able to determine what the images were. That was an awesome feeling.
I thought I was I going to die. That didn’t seem to matter too much. Nothing really mattered.
I am sorry this is so grim. But it was.
I’m not sure how to proceed with this story. It is like scrambled eggs in my head.
I am having to dig deep, to find the energy, the anger - the passion - to piece this together sufficiently so it is somewhere in the region of readable.
Shit I hope this is gonna make sense…
We got back to Shanghai early 2007. Everything is very foggy for me around this time.
Here’s what I can remember.
I could not read. I mean: I. Could. Not. Read.
I have been a prolific reader since childhood. Books are my friends. I love to read!
I have this vague memory of looking at a book and all I could see were black marks on a page. I could not comprehend the words/symbols. At all.
I vaguely remember being terrified. I know I was completely confused as to why I could not comprehend the words.
I have no sense of time in all this – how long I could not read – it might have been for one day, one week or months.
I remember pretending I could read. I would sit with a book or magazine and “act” like I was reading. I’d sit on the sofa by myself, look at the pages (just black marks on some paper) then turn the pages about the time I thought would be an appropriate length of time to have read a page. I’d try to have facial expressions that I thought I usually had when concentrating. God it was terrible. It was so dark and scary.
I remember practising this at home and then going to a café where they had magazines. I sat in the café pretending to read a magazine like I had previously done the year before. It somehow brought me comfort to find some little part of my past. I remember the thought “I used to come into this café, sip coffee and read.”
I remember thinking if I pretended long enough maybe I would remember how to read. I remember putting my finger on the page, pointing at one word and trying to read that one word. I was desperate to find one word I recognised. I remember looking at pictures/photos in magazines and be able to determine what the images were. That was an awesome feeling.
I thought I was I going to die. That didn’t seem to matter too much. Nothing really mattered.
I am sorry this is so grim. But it was.
Sharone Stainforth
Silver Meritorious Patron
Sally,
I am so deeply moved by your last two posts, it is difficult to find the words to reply, but I feel I must.
With regards Hubbard and the 'too incredible to believe it to be true', I find myself wondering how the hell I hung onto that for so many years and I was out in a different world. But I did hang onto to it in the belief that I wouldn't be believed.
I so understand what you mean about reading, I spent years with ME trying to read and unable to. I love reading and books also and I was determined to cling onto something I loved to do. To suddenly find you could make head nor tale of what was in front of you was so debilitating. I would often finish a book and think "what was that about", undeterred I'd go onto the next one and at the end of that one, I'd have not a clue what I had read.
You say 'scrambled egg', my head was more like cotton wool or fluffy clouds, it was almost like my memory had been erased and left with emptiness.Scrambled egg is a good description and more closely resembles a brain devoid of ability to think coherently.
Now to try and gather my thoughts together, I'm going to do a bit of gardening.
You make so much sense, out of something that is very difficult to make any sense of.
Thank You so much Sallydance,
With Love,
Sharone
I am so deeply moved by your last two posts, it is difficult to find the words to reply, but I feel I must.
With regards Hubbard and the 'too incredible to believe it to be true', I find myself wondering how the hell I hung onto that for so many years and I was out in a different world. But I did hang onto to it in the belief that I wouldn't be believed.
I so understand what you mean about reading, I spent years with ME trying to read and unable to. I love reading and books also and I was determined to cling onto something I loved to do. To suddenly find you could make head nor tale of what was in front of you was so debilitating. I would often finish a book and think "what was that about", undeterred I'd go onto the next one and at the end of that one, I'd have not a clue what I had read.
You say 'scrambled egg', my head was more like cotton wool or fluffy clouds, it was almost like my memory had been erased and left with emptiness.Scrambled egg is a good description and more closely resembles a brain devoid of ability to think coherently.
Now to try and gather my thoughts together, I'm going to do a bit of gardening.
You make so much sense, out of something that is very difficult to make any sense of.
Thank You so much Sallydance,
With Love,
Sharone
Thank you for a truly beautiful and sad and at the same time hopefull story.I rejoice in your freedom it is so good to find the real kind after years of the fake(Hubbard) kind .Sometimes the taste of freedom is most sweet when one has spent time in the mental prison called Scientology.
One insight I take from my own story is how Hubbard used shame to control people.He was so good at making people feel like they failed in Scientology rather then that the tech was crap.Reminds me of abused kids who blame themselves for the abuse instead of the adults who did it.Hubbard knew how to play the shame game very well.
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