Interesting thread with a lot of good posts! It is only recently that I discovered this message board, and reading it has been more than theraputic! Thanks to all.
I have a different reality to many of you though, on "Leaving the Church".
I was fortunate enough, to not be one who spent lots of time and money going up the auditing side of the bridge (I'm very thankful I didn't start OT VII). I started my tech training early on, I was on staff for many years. and I was active in the field.
- As a new Scientologist, I did get that shock, when I experienced gross admin violations. Didn't get it! From my low position, I wrote it up locally, but it still didn't get attention and it didn't get fixed.
- At the time of the mission holders conference, and when Mayo and Franks were kicked out, I thought/hoped that the crap, must have originated from them, and that things would begin to settle.
- After our 83 CMO mission, I was shell shocked. But after reports to Int management, and encouraging responses to several of us, from Int Managenment, I (along with others) were satisfied that the suppressive management we copped at the time, was acknowledged as being "off source" and would be handled. At that point though, I learned that sadly under such suppressive pressure, most would succumb, go pts, and either take on the sp valence to survive, or hide. Also, that I couldn't trust anyone - or that those one could trust, were few.
- In the following years, I scraped by. The red on white kept changing, and the green on white didn't seem to count. I queried and reported. Orders started to take precedence over tech/policy. I did get the odd positive response to write ups, and some things did change, but mostly it wasn't good.
- LRH died. My faith in him and management diminished further. My think at the time - "How could he causatively die when things were so screwed up? He couldn't have! Does management think we are stupid? They've given us another shore story. I wish they'd tell us the truth. Truth indicates and blows charge, don't they get that?". A few of us started to have some serious doubts. When the Broekers got turfed and the vacuum of data wasn't filled, I sent a comm to DM re my concerns/consids on the issue, and asked for data. I never heard back, but I was RB'ed/interviewed and assigned a condition at the time.
- After that, for a while I went into hiding, but then I changed my mind, and decided to give it another crack. I thought if I could get into a position of power either off staff or on (with others of like or similar mind), we could make a difference (silly me!).
- Got in trouble lots. Kept fighting, and kept struggling on. It was a lonely, hard time, on staff and in the field, but what we were doing/delivering, was making a difference to individuals. It was a game I still wanted to play. I saw and copped the supression from senior SO terminals, and those complying with their orders, or in their valence. I thought the problem was in ANZO, and that Int Management didn't know how bad it was down here. We had a couple of real doozies here, that were getting away with some pretty wild stuff. I blamed them for what was going on (not Int Mgt). What they were doing was so obvious, a few of us thought that they'd have to be found out and labelled sooner or later. We lived in hope. Of course we were wrong.
-Golden age of tech came out, and that burnt me on the bridge, DM and Int management. I argued with friends on various technical points, but it fell on deaf ears most of the time. I got sent to Ethics for being noisy on the subject, then to cramming so I'd see the error of my ways. I didn't change my mind, but I shut up and eventually they gave up on handling me on the subject.
I was pretty sad by this time, but persisted in the "hope", that just like there was the takeover in 82, there'd be another, and things would be straightened out. It wasn't.
- A few of us took a hard beating, at the time of an RTC Mission in ANZO, in 97. These missionaires were shockers. They were fired off to this mission directly by DM. Many staff, crew, and field staff members or ex staff were being put through the grinder. I made the mistake (or not), after some months in ethics, of voicing my consids and disagreements on the general op basis in orgs, the general think, the use of the tech to "make wrong", etc , etc, etc. I also stated that staff and crew were coward in regard to querying orders, that they were in fear, and were allowing RTC orders to negate/overide LRH tech. At that point I was dead! Went through some even worse gruelling stuff, and it was obvious I could no longer be part of that group. I had to get out after that and I did.
- I felt beaten, and I went into hiding. I was extrememly lonely for a long time. I felt deserted and betrayed even though I had many active comm lines, and wasn't disconnected at all.
- Years went by, and I came out of it. Through comm lines and connections, I heard what was still going on in the orgs, and it appeared to be getting worse.
-With my valued Scio comm lines dropping drastically over the years, with our livelihood less at stake, and with the basics evolution which really pissed me off (it was obviously a scam, and we were back on "every" call-in list all of a sudden) - I cut a lot of ties. I started to get very overt. My BPC overided my concern regarding keeping my PR in and I started calling a spade a spade. I got away with it in ANZO, but when the American SO terminals tried to pull rank on me (when I got agro on some stuffed eval or inval), my conviction became stronger. It was sad to see that so many SO crew and staff were forwarding such bullshit "lines" (about the basics), and not waking up to it, when the policy/tech that the evolution violated, was pointed out to them. Of all the evolutions I've seen over the last 30 years, this topped the lot! We've been off-lines and not into the org for years, but we copped around 200 phone calls in the first two weeks after the event. Because we didn't buy the books, the calls went on for weeks. This burnt the whole family!
- Recently, after all the anon stuff and press on Scn, I started looking up stuff on the net. I was amazed. In my naivity I had no idea there were networks out there. No idea, that so many had gone through the same stuff, and thought the same. The stuff on LRH and DM was a real eye opener and made many pennies drop. Some of the stories that I pulled strings on, and took on board, knocked me around a bit, and I certainly took on a new viewpoint. Don't know what I'm going to do yet - am still working that one out.
- However, despite all that, and regardless of what LRH was, what his intentions were, what his plan might have been, how psycho he may have been, and despite my opinions about the man - I know there is a body of tech (that when not twisted or just quoted), when known and applied - can and has made a hell of a difference. No way would I throw it away or discard it. I've applied it to life, as a parent, to work, field situations, businesses, those in trouble, etc, etc.- and it has made a positive difference.
- I don't feel I've been sucked in and wasted 20 or 30 years of my life. Yes, I was sucked in on stuff, and I had "faith/hope" when I shouldn't have, and I went on hoping for too long - but by the same token, throughout that time, I was certainly aware of what was going on in my area, and I didn't buy into or "accept" the game that the SO were pushing. During my active time in Scn, I made gains (case and knowledge and application) and contributed to others doing the same, through applying tech and policy. I'll never negate that, or not use what I know.
- Meanwhile, while I'm still getting org calls, and on the occasion when I get caught by "picking up", on an unidentified call, I'll be overt and throw the book at them, and tell them to wake up. I still care for some people still working in the orgs. I don't and won't wrong target them. However, in many cases, when some jerk forwards some robot line and tries to invalidate me, I'll let loose.
I know this post won't go down well with some, and some of you will think I'm still sucked in. So be it! I have a different history than most, and I know what I know.