I still have issues
I was raised in the cadet org from age 4 to age 13, when I joined the S.O. I was in the S.O. untill I was 20 and left, but I have been battling a whole bunch of psychological issues since then. I'm searching for help, so if anyone can point me in the right direction, let me know.
As I said I joined when I was 13, and went on the TTC until I was 15, I then went on post as an examiner. I remeber my dad being kicked out(declared) when I was 15, up until that point we had a great relationship. He did screw up royaly and had an affair with an underage girl, so i understand their response of cutt all ties, but he was a good dad to me. So I cut all ties to him, and went about my business in the S.O., than my mom dies when I'm 16 of cancer that was too advanced to cure. My mom Syma Zimmer was also in the S.O. for about 20 years before she passed. Ok, then I get turned over to a guardian in the S.O. and keep doing my work. I had maybe a half a day to grieve about my mom passing, and no time to grieve when my dad was kicked out. Still I was young and full of life, and things went on, ocassionally wishing I could talk to my dsd now and then. I eventually met a boy I really liked, who was also in it when I was 17. We eventually got married, but he wasn't commited, so he left back to California, and left the S.O. I was not told by anyone that he was leaving, he was on the RPF at the time he wanted to get out, so it was easy for him and everyone else to lie and say "he's getting through the program, nothing is wrong". I found out the night he flew back, by a friend of mine, who had some inside information. I flipped out. I went off on the security guards, and that's when the depression settled in, I started feeling like no one else would want to date me, I wasn't sure if I was over him, I couldn't talk to him, though I desperatly wanted to face to face. So I knew a few months after he left I was unhappy, and I knew noone else compared to him there, so I finally started to introvert, and start making myself create this facade, so noone would think anything, was wrong, I felt I just needed time to figure out how I wanted to leave, and in fact if I did really want to leave, before saying anything. So several months went by, and I remeber the sleeping disorder set in right about that time, because I was stressed all the time, for months on end. Plus I decided to go vegetarian aroung the same time, I guess it was the only thing I felt I could control in my life. I remeber watching my health diminish, I couldn't jog anymore, my back started to hurt allot. So eventually I spoke up and got out of there, but I had been there for 2-3 years faking my every move, and I was numb emotionally and physically. I trained myself to not feel, and if I didn't feel they couldn't see my emotions, or that I wanted out. Now to this day I have severe insomnia, I have bad cramps, I still can't jog otehrwise my back hurts, I get depressed, and find myself in relationships with guys just because they're company, and because I'm afraid to be alone, I actually can't sleep, and get very nervous when I'm alone. I don't know what to do. My hair has been falling out for about 4 years now. I am never quite happy. I have big dreams, but physical and mental blocks are always present. I need help!!!!!
I was raised in the cadet org from age 4 to age 13, when I joined the S.O. I was in the S.O. untill I was 20 and left, but I have been battling a whole bunch of psychological issues since then. I'm searching for help, so if anyone can point me in the right direction, let me know.
As I said I joined when I was 13, and went on the TTC until I was 15, I then went on post as an examiner. I remeber my dad being kicked out(declared) when I was 15, up until that point we had a great relationship. He did screw up royaly and had an affair with an underage girl, so i understand their response of cutt all ties, but he was a good dad to me. So I cut all ties to him, and went about my business in the S.O., than my mom dies when I'm 16 of cancer that was too advanced to cure. My mom Syma Zimmer was also in the S.O. for about 20 years before she passed. Ok, then I get turned over to a guardian in the S.O. and keep doing my work. I had maybe a half a day to grieve about my mom passing, and no time to grieve when my dad was kicked out. Still I was young and full of life, and things went on, ocassionally wishing I could talk to my dsd now and then. I eventually met a boy I really liked, who was also in it when I was 17. We eventually got married, but he wasn't commited, so he left back to California, and left the S.O. I was not told by anyone that he was leaving, he was on the RPF at the time he wanted to get out, so it was easy for him and everyone else to lie and say "he's getting through the program, nothing is wrong". I found out the night he flew back, by a friend of mine, who had some inside information. I flipped out. I went off on the security guards, and that's when the depression settled in, I started feeling like no one else would want to date me, I wasn't sure if I was over him, I couldn't talk to him, though I desperatly wanted to face to face. So I knew a few months after he left I was unhappy, and I knew noone else compared to him there, so I finally started to introvert, and start making myself create this facade, so noone would think anything, was wrong, I felt I just needed time to figure out how I wanted to leave, and in fact if I did really want to leave, before saying anything. So several months went by, and I remeber the sleeping disorder set in right about that time, because I was stressed all the time, for months on end. Plus I decided to go vegetarian aroung the same time, I guess it was the only thing I felt I could control in my life. I remeber watching my health diminish, I couldn't jog anymore, my back started to hurt allot. So eventually I spoke up and got out of there, but I had been there for 2-3 years faking my every move, and I was numb emotionally and physically. I trained myself to not feel, and if I didn't feel they couldn't see my emotions, or that I wanted out. Now to this day I have severe insomnia, I have bad cramps, I still can't jog otehrwise my back hurts, I get depressed, and find myself in relationships with guys just because they're company, and because I'm afraid to be alone, I actually can't sleep, and get very nervous when I'm alone. I don't know what to do. My hair has been falling out for about 4 years now. I am never quite happy. I have big dreams, but physical and mental blocks are always present. I need help!!!!!